


Lover

by mundane_blues



Series: The Loververse [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Friends, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, bc it's a real slow burn between friends to lovers, hopefully the non-linear narrative isn't too wonky, real emphasis on the friends part, trust me it's a really slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-01-06 06:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 132,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21222224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mundane_blues/pseuds/mundane_blues
Summary: If you had told Mark on his first day of summer school music class that he’d eventually live with the guy who hated him, he would’ve just ignored you and said, “okay man, cool, whatever”.But here they are, in their apartment, with the rules unwritten because they already understand each other so well.And it feels like things could never feel as right as they are now.





	1. Back to December

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first time posting/writing fanfic LOL, heavily inspired from a song (I'm sure from the title you can guess what it is). Definitely recommend listening to it for this fic (at least for this chapter).
> 
> The working title for this fic was "can i go where you go?" but I think, in the end, Lover works better as a title. It's more fitting.
> 
> UPDATE: Here's the official playlist for this fic! → [can i go where you go?](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ZkOabBMhNqXQQejm34G0G?si=h8wvYOKzQ8SOcUd71ucQCQ)

** _We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January_ **

“Why wouldn’t you want to leave them up until January? They’re so pretty even when Christmas is over,” Mark says with a dumb smile on his face as they walk down the snow-covered street. 

And Donghyuck feels it it deep down. 

No matter how much he wants to get into a long argument about how you should, at the very least, show common courtesy and take Christmas lights down before New Year’s Day. And wants to argue with Mark because he thinks it’s stupid. And then go off tangentially into how Christmas is just a capitalist’s holiday in general. Deep down he knows, he likes it more when Mark is just blissfully happy like this. He likes seeing Mark glow almost angelically under the streetlights.

Because deep down, he knows it makes him happy too.

So he doesn’t say anything. He just nods in agreement. “Yeah, they are pretty, I guess,” Donghyuck says. “I can see why you like them so much.”

_ Why do I keep thinking that they’re not as pretty as you? _

Donghyuck never had particularly strong feelings for Christmas. After all, it was just another holiday. Of course he loved spending time with his family for the holidays, and the food, and the winter break for a month off from school, but he never really understood why people loved the season so much. He liked it more for the winter break than the actual “holiday spirit.” Whatever that was supposed to mean.

But something about the way Mark loved Christmas might convince him otherwise. It’s stupid, to believe something like “Christmas magic” exists in the real world. But maybe Mark was just that naive enough to believe in it.

Or maybe Donghyuck is stupid enough to believe him. Because it makes him happy.

“Look, see that over there?” Mark points out. “That’s Lafarge Lake. Every year, they put up these amazing Christmas light displays and it always feels so magical when you walk through them,” he beams excitedly. “And the suspension bridge too – it’s so amazing, you would love it!”

Donghyuck wants to shrug in indifference. He wants to say that they’re just lights. They use electricity and are a waste of time and energy. And that if anything, it’s kind of tacky that a bunch of light bulbs are supposed to be the “Christmas magic” that he’s supposed to be believing in.

And again.

Again. He feels it rise up somewhere in his stomach.

That feeling of resisting the urge to argue with Mark about how dumb this holiday is. How “the magic of Christmas” is only there if you believe in it, and he doesn’t. And then explain to Mark why having this idealized version of Christmas and placing emphasis on one day, out of the entire year, to celebrate consumerism was a bad practice for society in general.

But he can’t. He can’t find the will in him to do it.

Because there’s just something enchanting about the way Mark believes in it that makes him stop and think, and wonder if he’ll ever know what it’s like.

What it’s like to feel the way he seems to adore Christmas. 

Maybe it makes Donghyuck believe in Christmas too.

And so all he offers in return is a small but genuine smile.

“I’m sure I would love it. You should take me there.”

“Well come on then, let's head over there together!” Mark says brightly.

It’s such a simple phrase and it shouldn’t tug at his heartstrings, but it does.

* * *

** _This is our place, we make the rules_ **

If you had told Mark on his first day of Music 25 with Professor Park that he’d eventually live with the guy in his summer school class who hated him, he would’ve just ignored you and said, “okay man, cool, whatever”. 

But here they are, in their apartment, with the rules unwritten because they already understand each other so well. Jaemin is chatting happily about his Classics lecture, him and Jeno are listening along, Renjun is cooking dinner for everyone, and Donghyuck is on his way back home from a club meeting, but he can’t wait to tell him about his first ever U Team practice. 

And it feels like things could never feel as right as they are now.

** **

Honestly, when Donghyuck first suggested that they move in together, he was a bit surprised at himself saying “yeah, let’s get it man!” without even thinking about it. He was surprised at how easy it was to say yes and give up living in his previous apartment.

This was because Mark had already found a stable home living in his apartment with Yeri, Jungeun, Chaeyoung, Yukhei and Jungwoo. He’d already found a home with his friends from his freshman year with them. 

And living in their apartment was so, so nice. It felt so domestic, living in that apartment with the six of them. How they could all relate to struggling in their lower div classes. How he could hang out and game with Yeri and Jungwoo. How Chaeyoung would have impromptu little rap battles with him in the kitchen. How Jungeun and Yukhei could also relate to the woes of being international students at an American college.

It really was a home away from home. With the drunken escapades and wildly misgiven mishappenings of college age students alongside it. And he loved that.

But when Donghyuck asked Mark if he wanted to move in with him and the others, it set off fireworks in him that he didn’t know had already been sparked.

Don’t get Mark wrong. He loved living in his previous apartment. He loved the movie nights, the dinners they had going out for KBBQ, the kickbacks they would throw, the stupidly wild rounds of drinking card games they would play until 2 in the morning.

But something about his 2000-born freshman friends pulled him towards their company like gravity. It felt like it came natural to him.

If he was being honest with himself, Mark shouldn’t have been so surprised at his own decision. He found himself going out to dinner with Jaemin and Jeno a lot. He invited Renjun and Donghyuck to his apartment to play games. He even willingly went back to the freshman dorms to go visit all four of them a few times.

But it wasn’t just that. There’s always been something more to it. It was like, somehow, he felt connected with them in a way he hadn’t with any of his friends before them. Yes, he had his apartment mates, and he’d recently made it on the U Team so he’s looking forward to getting to know his teammates, but this...this has always been something different. It never just feels like they’re just friends.

It feels like they’re his family. Like, no matter what, he could talk to them about anything, be vulnerable, honest, emotional, insecure in ways he couldn’t with his previous apartment. Like no matter how stupid he felt a conversation was, it would never be stupid because every conversation with them makes him feel special. Because the four of them are extremely special to Mark.

That feeling first hit Mark when he stayed up talking with the four of them in their dorm suite until 2 AM. They had gotten back from a Christmas party that Jungwoo's business club had thrown after finals had ended. Jaemin had passed out on his bed, Jeno and Renjun were just humming a song, and his conversation with Donghyuck had died down. Mark had still felt slightly tipsy and was sobering up enough to walk home, and then realized he was tired and he had to walk all the way back to his apartment. Instead Jeno surprised him when he told Mark to sleep on Donghyuck’s bed. 

“But what about you?” Mark asked, skeptical about taking Donghyuck’s bed for the night.

"Hey, don’t worry about it, I can sleep on Jeno’s bed,” Donghyuck dismissed his concerns. “It’s not like we haven’t done this before.”

"I-wait, okay, you-”

"Geez, get your head out of the gutter, Mark,” Renjun snapped. “It is _ not _ like that at all. Now go to sleep before I kick you out of my humble dorm room and actually make you walk all the way back home.”

Mark yawned. He was sleepy, he’d admit.

“But I feel like I’m overstaying.”

“Hey,” Donghyuck chided him. “If you were overstaying, we wouldn’t be letting you sleep in our room. Just get some sleep, it’s pretty clear you’re tired. You can go home in the morning when there’s actually daylight outside.” 

No resistance remained in him. Jeno, Renjun and Donghyuck walked him over to their room next door in their dorm suite. He could feel himself dozing off as a fuzzy feeling started washing over him, half of it sleepiness and the other half some strange, rising sensation in his chest that he couldn’t quite understand, but it felt familiar and warm.

“Thanks, you guys,” Mark nodded sleepily, suddenly feeling the weight of his body crashing down on him and onto Donghyuck’s bed. Wow, he was exhausted.

"You don’t have to keep trying to stay awake, you know,” Jeno laughed sleepily.

“Mmmm,” was all Mark could say, his eyelids fluttering shut as he shifted slightly on the pillows. It was so comfortable. He didn’t remember his freshman dorm being this easy to fall asleep in. Why was this so comfortable?

The last thing he remembered before quickly drifting into sleep was Renjun whispering, “Sweet dreams, Mark.”

Renjun never owned up to it when he asked him about it later. But he swore, on his whole life, that he knew Renjun told him to sleep with sweet dreams.

After that night, Mark felt something change in their dynamic. He wanted to spend more time with them. And not because he wanted someone to hang out with or talk to. It was because he’d never felt as comfortable as he had when he was with them.

And it was then when Mark started to wonder about what it would be like, living with them. About living with the people who loved to tease him but also loved to love him. It wasn’t _ just _ friends with them. He felt like he was going to be lifelong friends with them. 

Mark isn’t sure about many things. But he had never felt so sure of something in his life, this feeling like a cozy, fuzzy sweater keeping him warm whenever he got to spend time with them.

** **

So when Mark had texted everyone in their apartment chat and gathered everyone on the couch, and told everyone the news, he expected the worst. They had all been silent the entire two minutes he had given his speech about moving out. After finishing, he couldn’t shake the feelings of guilt and fear that refused to exonerate themselves from his heart.

He felt guilty for not admitting how much he had wanted to move out earlier. He felt guilty for having to make them figure out the rent situation again. He expected them to be angry for not telling them sooner and initially lying to them about staying the next year. 

But he was scared, most of all, that he was going to lose his friends and the close-knit group he had in their apartment. He felt like he was betraying his friends. Because he’d slowly been spending less time with his apartment, and more time with Donghyuck and his friends. And that wasn’t fair to them at all, and he felt awful about it.

It was Chaeyoung who first spoke seven seconds into his post-speech silence.

“Hey, we get it Mark,” she said evenly. “And honestly....well, I don’t know about anyone else, but we’re really not that surprised.”

“What?” Mark looked up, shocked, not expecting that reaction.

Jungeun let out an audible sigh. “Oh my god, this dumbass–”

“But he’s _ our _dumbass. And it’s okay bro, we get it,” Yukhei agreed. “Even if it’s gonna suck ‘cuz you’re not here for me to whoop your ass in Mario Kart anymore, we’re alright with it.”

“Remember to come visit us though!” Jungeun quipped. “Don’t forget about us.”

“I mean, come on Mark, we see how close you are with them,” Jungwoo chimed in. “We’re not oblivious. Actually, we’ve all kinda talked about it, so we can’t say we didn’t see it coming.”

“You have?” Mark didn’t know whether mortification was the appropriate feeling. “You...you’ve talked about me moving in with them?”

“Well...yeah.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, 100 percent.”

“One of them mentioned it in passing once, I think it was Jeno?” Yeri said.

“He did?!” Mark didn’t know that Yeri talked to the four of them.

"I guessed that you’re closest with Donghyuck and you’re rooming with him,” Yukhei said teasingly. “It seems like you never shut up about him.”

"Personally, I think it’s Jaemin but we were all placing bets,” Yeri said.

"I think it’s either Renjun or Jeno, you adore them like little brothers,” Jungwoo noted.

"It’s Donghyuck, right? I just know he’s the one who asked you to move in with them,” Jungeun insisted. “Please tell me it’s Donghyuck so I can take Yeri’s twenty dollars.”

"Don’t take that the wrong way though,” Chaeyoung added, noticing the sheepish expression on Mark’s face. “We just had a feeling it was gonna happen. I mean, we didn’t actually know you wanted to move out, we just kinda joked about it. But honestly, even though we are really sad you’re moving out, we can’t be super upset about it.”

"You’re...you’re not upset?” Mark asks bewilderedly.

"Of course not, Mark,” Yeri smiles at him. “We see how happy they make you. And if they make you happy, then you should be happy and move in with them.”

“But, but-but I feellikeI’mbetrayingyouguys and I-”

“Oh my god Mark, don’t be so dramatic,” Jungeun rolled her eyes.

Yukhei nodded in agreement. “You really are bad with your words, dude.” 

“Seriously, why are they friends with you? You’re such a loser. Are you tricking them into thinking you’re cool or something?” Yeri teases. They all laughed at that, Mark albeit more nervously than the rest of them.

Yeri continued. “It’s not a betrayal. You like being their friend, you like being our friend, and we all like being your friend! It’s not bad for you to want to move in with your new friends too. I mean yes, you’re not living with us anymore, and it sucks because now we all have to pay a bit more for rent, but we’re not mad at you, Mark.”

“You-you’re not?”

“Of course not! You can have both us and them.”

“I-I can? But I-I-”

“You are such an idiot sometimes,” Jungeun said tiredly. 

“Don’t you mean all the time?” Yeri asked.

“It really is all the time,” Chaeyoung nodded. 

“Can’t say I’ll miss that about him when he moves out. But you know what?” Jungeun turned back to look at Mark. “Yes, you can. Because we’ll still be your friends.”

“And we’ll still love you,” Chaeyoung smiled.

“And I get to move into your single now,” Yeri said gleefully. “So now me and Chaebae both get singles, and it’s okay with me!”

“And it’s okay with me too, in case you were wondering,” Chaeyoung added.

He felt like the world was spinning.

“And I’ll still kick your ass at Mario Kart,” Yukhei teased.

“Not if I kick his ass first,” Jungwoo added playfully.

“Only if you guys stop – oh my god Mark, are you gonna cry?” Jungeun asked.

It was too much. He felt so, so overwhelmed by everything. To have the support of his friends, to actually have them supporting him, to be okay with him, that he was going to have all his friends, Haechan and Injunnie and JenJen and Nana and Lippie and Katy Kim and Xuxi and Jungpal and Chaebae and–

Warm embraces surrounded him. It was all he felt for the next thirty seconds.

"Hey, come on, don’t cry,” Chaeyoung said tenderly. “You’re gonna make me cry too!”

“God, you are both so soft, too soft,” Yeri mumbled in disgust.

“This might be the first time I ever get to see you cry, and it’s over this?” Jungeun said disappointedly. “Not even the time I told you your scrambled eggs could kill twenty dogs?”

“Seriously dude! You’ll get emotional over this but not when Simba saw Mufasa die in the stampede?” Yukhei asked a bit too loudly, but Mark didn’t care, he was so, so happy that his friends still cared about him. That they would still be his friends.

"We’re your friends, Mark,” Jungwoo said softly. “And they can be too.”

* * *

** _And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear_ **

_  
You always make that stupid face, _ Donghyuck thinks to himself as Mark jumbles over his words switching between Korean and English. He doesn’t even care about this story Mark is telling him about. Why does he even care about his face? That stupid, dumb cute face? _ That stupid face and also those stupid dorky ass noises you make whenever you get excited...why do I like them? _

  
God, he is so hopeless.

  
“So anyways, this was the time when Yeri and I were like ‘Oh shit, Chaeyoung is gonna kill us if she sees all the shards on the kitchen floor’ and-”

  
Donghyuck cuts him off by pinching Mark’s left cheek, to which Mark yelps and spazzes out of his seat. “Yo, that actually hurt! What was that for!?” Mark half-screams, half-asks.

  
“Eh, you were talking too much, and I'll be honest Mark, I really don’t care about this story of how you broke Chaeyoung’s favorite cup.” _ And maybe I just wanted to pinch your cheeks_.

  
Mark pouts. 

_  
Oh god, why is it so cute? _

  
“I thought you would enjoy the story,” Mark sulks. “Sorry if it was boring.”

  
An idea pops into his head. “I did like the story,” Donghyuck says mischievously, and the change in tone has Mark standing up straight in a flash. “But I like pinching your cheeks even more-”

  
“Donghyuck, no!”

  
Too late, Mark leaps out of the passenger seat and they’re already running around the parking lot like a bunch of four year-old kids. But it’s okay. Maybe Donghyuck kinda likes it.

  
Maybe he might like Mark’s company. 

  
Or maybe it’s just Mark.

  
“You idiots are gonna get run over if you’re not careful!” Renjun yells at them.

  
“Eh, let them get run over,” Jaemin says casually. “Then they won’t have to pay for college anymore. International tuition...yeesh,” Jaemin shudders at the thought.

  
“Tell me about it, it sucks dude,” Jeno says. “Oh! But if they died, I would get Mark’s guitar.”

  
“Uh sorry dude, I already called that,” Jaemin tells him. “And his ukelele too.”

  
“What? Jaemin you don’t even play the guitar!”

  
“Oh, and _ you _do?”

  
“Knowing the chords of 'Love Yourself' is playing guitar,” Jeno argues.

  
“Oh okay yeah, and I watched a whole season of 'Grey’s Anatomy' last night, so now I’m a neurosurgeon!” Jaemin says sarcastically. “Seriously, maybe you should _love yourself_ and actually learn to play the guitar instead of trying to have a successful ASMR career.”

  
“And maybe you should love yourself and stop trying to be an Instagram influencer,” Jeno replies seriously. “But seriously, I would stop being friends with you if you ever become one.”

  
“Wait wait wait wait, _ backup_, Jeno, most boring friend, is backtalking me? Okay this one hurts. I really didn’t think you had it in you to just go and crush my dreams like that,” Jaemin pouts.

“Oh for the love of – Jaemin that is not a real dream, that night you were so drunk after three shots of tequila, you got two orders of chalupas at a Taco Bell drive thru!” Renjun says exasperatedly.

  
“Hey!” Jaemin exclaims. “It was _ five _shots.”

  
“Oh come on, really? You? An Instagram influencer? I would rather eat my own foot than be friends with another LA influencer,” Renjun retorts annoyedly. “Ten is bad enough as it is.”

Jaemin gasps in abhorrence. “Me? As bad as Ten? I’m so offended you would even suggest such a thing, Injunnie. As if I would ever be caught spending twelve dollars on avocado toast!”

* * *

** _Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?_ **

Right before Mark had left for his graduation ceremony, Jaemin had insisted they take a bunch of photos with him in his cap and gown. 

The four of them had all been asleep after they had all stayed up watching _Love, Actually_. And probably would have stayed asleep too, if not for Mark stumbling over one of the kitchen table chairs and startling Renjun awake. Two minutes and twenty seconds later the rest had followed suit, and that’s how Mark had found himself taking a bunch of photos with his friends in their pajamas.

“Jaemin, make sure the angle is right!” Donghyuck complained. “These are going to be our Christmas card photos! We have to look good.”

“Since when did you care about Christmas card photos?” Jaemin asked impatiently as he clicked the button. “You didn’t even want to be in the ones we took last year!”

“Well, that was different! I actually find Christmas tolerable now,” Donghyuck said.

Jaemin crossed his arms. “Oh really? And why’s that?”

“Because Canada made it...tolerable.”

Renjun shot both of them a look as Mark felt a wave of heat spread across his face.

“How come you never invited me home with you, Mark?” Jaemin asked. “Just because I’m barely as tolerable as Donghyuck doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate it!”

“Oh please, you’re barely tolerable in general, _ backtalker_,” Donghyuck said, Jaemin sticking out his tongue before snapping another picture. “Hey, I wasn’t ready!”

“It was because Donghyuck wasn’t flying back home for a week after the semester ended,” Mark sighed. “I already told you guys this so many times, you guys all left before I could even ask you, and Donghyuck was just going to be here by himself for a week.”

“It’s okay, you told me you’ll take me to Canada next year!” Jeno said. “Just as long as you keep your word on that, Mark.”

“Jeno, the only reason you got invited and not us is because you and Mark are both as stale as white bread,” Renjun replied, “with the collective brainpower of a rotten toaster.”

“That doesn’t even make sense, toasters can’t get rotten,” Jaemin said as he snapped another photo. “You know, you guys are supposed to be looking candid, but you all look miserable and Mark looks constipated, maybe don’t call him a rotten toaster.”

“Are you going to photoshop Jisung into this one?” Jeno asked. “I feel like we should be waiting to take Christmas card photos until, you know, we’re all in the apartment?”

“Oh, please, you’re acting like we’re not going to take more tomorrow, this was just a candid moment of us that I wanted to capture,” Jaemin said humorously.

“Uh, I kinda have to leave for graduation, soon, guys,” Mark tried to say.

"Shh, we’ll think about that later,” Donghyuck replied, waving his hand in dismissal of Mark’s concerns. “We want cute photos with you in our PJs right now.”

“Wouldn’t photos be better if we took them at graduation–”

“Mark, Donghyuck and I don’t even have tickets for your graduation, and we all currently look extremely adorable and you look not-ugly for a change, we’re seizing the moment, deal with it,” retorted Renjun. 

“And you do look adorable in your cap and gown,” Jeno smiles. “We’re having fun right now.”

“And you’re not just not-ugly for a change. You do happen to look quite stunning in your cap and gown, if I may say so myself,” Donghyuck winked. “All grown up.” 

Why did Mark take more pride in these compliments than he thought he would?

"Uh, okay, I, uh, okay okay, uh, okay, we–”

"Mark, just shut up and let us do this, come on, this is one of our last days with you!” Jaemin shouted, meant in a joking way but it came out a bit too terse and firm, and Mark didn’t like that. He didn’t like being reminded that this was one of his last days in the apartment with them, before he left and wouldn’t be living here anymore.

***

It took exactly 20 seconds for Donghyuck to immediately regret spending today not going to Mark’s graduation ceremony. He should’ve bought a ticket to the ceremony. It was the minute Mark walked out of the apartment and closed the door and he realized that soon, Mark was going to be walking out of that door forever.

It took Jaemin 18 seconds to regret coming to Mark’s graduation ceremony when he had left the apartment after seeing how sad Donghyuck looked. He knew this was foolish, it was foolish to feel sad. It wasn’t like Mark had died or something. They had seen Mark in their apartment two hours earlier in his cap and gown. There was no reason for it to feel different now. But it did, and he didn’t like that. He didn’t like that soon their photos together would no longer be the seven of them, but now six of the seven of them.

It took Jeno 17 seconds to regret coming along with Jaemin when he spotted Mark and he realized this might be one of the last times they saw him, before he moved to New York. And that they weren’t going to have him in the apartment anymore. No more dumb jokes. No more weird smell of burnt eggs. No more teasing him endlessly for how awkward he could be sometimes. No more late nights talking about the MCU. 

It took Renjun 21 seconds to regret not buying tickets when he made himself breakfast and saw how utterly sad Donghyuck was, sitting at the kitchen table with a glum look on his face. It put him in a sad mood too.

Because this was all so illogical, really, to feel this sad. Mark was graduating. It was natural. It was a part of college. Of course they were going to see him graduate. They would have to graduate next year, too. Mark was a year older than him. Yes, he was graduating early, but Mark had a life after college – it’s not like they could all just remain at this age forever. They all had to grow up. And it’s not like they were saying goodbye forever, right?

They were being illogical. They all were. Renjun knew they were. But deep down he could understand why, because as much as it was a natural part of life, it was hard to accept that, in four days, Mark would no longer be a part of their apartment and instead be on the other side of the country. And when they all came back for the start of school next year, there’d be an empty space in their apartment. And no one was going to fill it.

After spending fifteen minutes on public transportation, ten minutes waiting in line, and and five minutes looking for them, Jisung had finally found Jeno and Jaemin and sat down in the seat next to Jaemin. He had noticed that they seemed particularly silent, even though all around them, people were cheering or shouting names. Shouldn’t they all have been shouting Mark’s name right now? 

Jaemin was usually super cheerful and talkative, and normally Jeno would be shouting cheerful words and support, and Jaemin would probably be taking so many photos of Mark right now. So why had they become so quiet and still? Were they still sad from whatever movie it was they had stayed up watching last night?

Briefly, Jisung wonders if he should’ve just said no to Jaemin buying him a ticket, and could've not skipped his officer meeting for this, and would've done something with Chenle today instead. But Jaemin would've bought it anyways, he did want a reason to skip that officer meeting, Chenle wasn't available since he had to go back home to visit his relatives from Shanghai that were in town. He couldn’t attend Mark’s graduation ceremony, but he was going to be back in time for their apartment’s Secret Santa exchange.

It was weird, Jisung thought. There was this strangely sentimental feeling rushing through him, and he didn’t know why. He wondered if the others felt it too. But shouldn’t graduation be a happy time, he thought? Shouldn’t they be celebrating that Mark had finished his degree, and was graduating a semester early? He thought that was something to be proud of. He looked up to Mark a lot, at how hardworking and dedicated he was.

Well maybe, Jisung realized, maybe that’s why they were so sad. Because they were losing someone they looked up to. But he knew it was definitely something more than that. And he didn’t know why, but he suddenly felt a cold feeling rise up and seize in his chest.

***

Donghyuck shouldn’t feel sad right now. He’s known that this day was coming, from the moment he had befriended Mark. And he shouldn’t feel so upset, because it’s not like he would never hear from Mark or see him again. 

But sometimes how you say you feel is different from how you actually feel.

After everything him and Mark have been through, it was time for Mark to graduate. Their summer music class and project, their time living in their apartment together, their time spent together over winter break in Vancouver, their huge fight that almost ended their friendship, and their summer with Chenle and Jisung, it’s all coming to an end.

In five days, Mark will be hopping on a plane to Vancouver, where he would stay until New Years Day, and then he’ll be moving to New York and starting his new job at Spotify. Of course, Donghyuck was happy that Mark had landed a job with them as an Assistant Urban Underground Music Editor. He knew that they would want to hire Mark after his summer internship with them downtown.

But it hurts. 

As proud as he is of Mark’s success, it hurts Donghyuck so, so much that Mark is leaving earlier than he wants him to leave. He knew his time with Mark was limited, and that Mark is a year older than him, and he’d graduate before Donghyuck did with Renjun and Jeno and Jaemin. And he thought he had grown to accept that.

But having to look at Mark’s empty bed, he started realizing that soon it wouldn’t be in their room, and soon it wasn’t going to be their room at all, just Donghyuck’s room. And that’s not something he was ready to face. Of course he’s happy for Mark. He still has some time with him – their apartment dinner, the graduation party, their Christmas card photoshoot, and their last movie night and Secret Santa exchange. There’s still time, it’s not like Mark was leaving just yet. 

But Donghyuck’s lying if he says it doesn’t hurt, to know and feel that this is the end. 

It’s the end of an era, and he doesn’t know what happens once Mark leaves, and moves on to bigger and better things, while he’s still here, left on the other side of the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was super narrative/long-rambling thought-heavy, I apologize if this was a super dense read haha, next chapter is less set-up heavy and more fun interactions!
> 
> I plan on updating this fic weekly, hope you enjoy the ride!


	2. You Belong With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How melodramatic,” Mark grins.
> 
> “Not as dramatic as you look whenever you get dressed up in a tuxedo.”
> 
> “What, do you want me to walk you down the aisle or something?” Mark says jokingly.
> 
> “Ew, gross, don’t talk about that, we’re not even old enough to be married yet!”
> 
> “Technically, the legal age to get married is like 18, yeah? So we actually are,” he says slyly.
> 
> “Why are we even talking about marriage?” Donghyuck asks him.
> 
> “Well, everyone does say that we bicker like an old married couple.”
> 
> Donghyuck feels his stomach go queasy at the idea of marrying Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! Sorry if the non-linear narrative is making everything wonky to read – in hindsight I realize this fic all makes sense to me because I know everything that happens in this story, but it might be confusing for you to read. If you have any questions about timeline/when things happen, feel free to ask me on SNS (see the notes after this chapter).
> 
> Hopefully all the cute interactions among Mark + '00 line this chapter make up for it! :-)

** _Can I go where you go?_ **

“This is kind of an awkward question, but…”

“But what? Spit it out, Mark Lee.”

“Uh, well...can I go with you when you go to your voice lessons today?”

Haechan looks at Mark Lee with a bewildered, slightly annoyed expression across his face. This has to be a joke, right? Seriously, sometimes he can’t stand it when Mark Lee tries to be funny.

“And why would you be interested in coming to my voice lessons?”

Mark Lee attempts to shrug nonchalantly. It comes off as awkward instead. He is such a loser, but why does Haechan find it kind of endearing? “I think you have a nice voice. And we’re taking a music class this summer together? We’re partners for this project, you know. Maybe we should get to know each other better?”

“And? That doesn’t mean you have to come with me to my voice lessons. You can hear me sing when we meet up for this project anyways. We’re just partners for this project.”

“I dunno, I guess...it would be nice to hear you sing something you like, for once.”

What?

“I...I like your voice when you sing, Haechan.”

Oh.

He wasn’t expecting that.

Half-jokingly and half-heartedly Haechan teases, “What, do you want me to record myself singing you a song I like, or something?” 

Oh god, he wasn’t expecting Mark to look so embarrassed.

“Please don’t tell me you have a singing fetish, Mark Lee, especially for my voice, because if you do, I'm going to email Professor Park right now and ask for a project partner switch.”

“Okayyy okokokok it’s not that it’s just...I like it when you sing...like when you sang that one Dean song,” Mark says softly.

Blasphemy. Dean, his favorite singer? “And you must be tone deaf because seriously, how can you like my voice more than _ the _Dean, himself, singer of I’m Not Sorry, one of the greatest songs in existence?” Haechan says to him. “How are you even a music major if you’re that tone deaf?”

“I just...I think you have a pretty voice, okay?” Mark Lee crouches further into himself.

It’s so embarrassing seeing Mark Lee like this. Pitiful, almost. Haechan always knew he was a huge loser, the minute he walked into the first day of music class, tardy with a cup of coffee in his hands.

So why does Haechan also feel his cheeks getting hot?

* * *

** _Can we always be this close, forever and ever?_ **

“Isn’t it crazy how I hated you the first day of music class?” Donghyuck laughs, thinking about their awkward first days of Professor Park’s music class.

“Yeah,” Mark agrees, a smile on his face. “It feels like you’ve been my best friend forever.”

“And it’s going to be forever and ever,” Donghyuck teases. “Unless you’re too busy for me, now that you have the U Team and everything.”

Mark thinks Donghyuck might mean something else by saying that, but he brushes it off.

“What? No, of course not, I’m still gonna have time for all of you!”

“You say that now, Mark Lee, but three months from now you’ll probably be dancing your all the way to showcase, too busy to even think of me, your best friend,” Donghyuck sighs dramatically. “Soon I’ll be forgotten, just a memory of the past in Mark Lee’s tragic loser life.”

“How melodramatic,” Mark grins.

“Not as dramatic as you look whenever you get dressed up in a tuxedo.”

“What, do you want me to walk you down the aisle or something?” Mark says jokingly.

“Ew, gross, don’t talk about that, we’re not even old enough to be married yet!”

“Technically, the legal age to get married is like 18, yeah? So we actually are,” he says slyly.

“Why are we even talking about marriage?” Donghyuck asks him.

“Well, everyone does say that we bicker like an old married couple.”

Donghyuck feels his stomach go queasy at the idea of marrying Mark. 

“What, do you want to get married or something? Please, like I would ever marry you. That’s gross, that’s like marrying...a loser,” Donghyuck grimaces.

“How do you know I wouldn’t be the one to propose you?” Mark grins cheekily.

“Oh yeah, as if I would ever say yes and settle for someone like you.” 

“You mean someone as smart and handsome as me?” 

“If you’re trying to charm me into marrying you, you’re not, you’re just proving to me what a loser you are,” Donghyuck says as he tries to shove Mark off his chair.

“Are you sure you’re just not the tiniest bit inclined to be my husband, _ lover _?”

“Oh my god, shut up, you are so annoying! First of all, you mispronounced _ loser _ there, Canada. Second of all, Mark Lee, you will never, and I repeat _ never _ convince me that marrying you would be a good idea,” Donghyuck fires back. 

“So you’re saying you _ could _get convinced into marrying me.”

“Not by you, I wouldn’t.”

“But by someone else.”

“Well that’s pathetic, that you’d have to have someone else convince me to marry you and not you yourself,” Donghyuck says condescendingly. “But it makes sense, you probably couldn’t even convince a doorknob into marrying you.”

“But what you’re saying is, you’re not one hundred percent opposed to marrying me.”

“Okay, _ fine _, if you were the only other person on the planet, then yes, I would have no other choice but to marry you. Because I would literally have no other choice.”

“Really?” Mark looks flattered by that. And it’s kinda cute, but not cute enough to keep Donghyuck from taking that down a couple notches.

“But I’d be one hundred percent opposed to paying for anything though. No way am I giving you any money for a wedding if I have to end up married to you.”

“Alright, fine. Deal.”

This sounds suspiciously similar to a conversation he had with Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin a year ago in a cafe over milkshakes.

“Seriously?”

“Eh, why not. If neither of us are married by the time we’re forty, we’ll marry each other. We’ll be like, you know, each other’s backups.” Mark’s stupidly white-toothed grin is killing Donghyuck.

“Wait. Back up. Are you trying to get me to be your backup, like they do in Friends, so that we get married twenty years from now?”

“Wha-no, no! No!” Mark says flusteredly. “I-I’m not trying to do that! Where’d you get that silly idea from, Haechannie?”

That’s how Donghyuck knows he’s right.

“Unbelievable. You’re such a loser, and you’ll still be one in twenty years, you know that right? Same how Friends is still a mediocre show twenty years later.”

“Hey, hey, first of all, Friends is a classic show, I don’t get why you pretend to hate–”

“It’s really not a classic–”

“And SECONDLY,” Mark interrupts him, refusing to let Donghyuck criticize one of his favorite shows again, “how would you know that if you don’t like Friends?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “One, we’ve all watched Friends without you, as we’ve told you multiple times already, and it’s not our fault you’re a loser and haven’t seen it until now.”

“But why did you watch it with them if you didn’t like it?” Mark teases.

“And second,” Donghyuck ignores him, “I heard that episode playing from when you were watching the Season 6 finale with Jaemin a couple days ago. You turn the volume up really loud, Mark. Headphones exist for a reason, you know. It was kinda obnoxious.”

“Liar!” Mark laughs at him. “I know secretly Phoebe is your favorite. And you just admitted that you knew which episode it was!”

“Okay but that’s only because–”

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t want to hear about you pretending to hate Friends again, I’m actually being serious! You should consider it. Be my backup. It’s not like it’ll be that different from how we are now.”

“Mark, we’re literally in college. Forty is over 20 years from now. That’s so far away. I don’t even want to think about being forty,” Donghyuck says. “I’ll be so old by then. Do you know how long 20 years is? Anything could change. I literally spent 18 years of my life not knowing you and how much of a loser you are before we met in summer school.”

“Ok but I bet you thought that too, when you were in elementary school, that college was super far away,” Mark counters. “But here we are!”

True. He did think that in elementary school. College did creep up on him rather quickly. And never in a million years did he think he’d meet Jaemin, Renjun, and especially Mark. Maybe he feels incredibly lucky that the universe let them all find one another.

“Fair.”

Mark grins victoriously “So I’m right,” Mark gloats triumphantly, thinking he’s won this argument. “You like Friends, and you _ would _marry me in twenty years. See? So, let’s be backups!”

But it doesn’t matter.

Mark can’t win this argument anyways. And he knows why.

“Well sure, except no, because third, you can’t win this argument anyways,” Donghyuck smugly says, crossing his arms victoriously. “Because sorry, but I already HAVE a backup, and it’s not you, Mark Lee. I’m already marrying someone else in twenty years. You missed your chance.” 

No matter how long he’s known Mark, his surprised, ridiculously flustered expressions will never get old. Whenever Donghyuck turns the tables on him, it is so satisfying to see Mark disintegrate into disconcerted disbelief. Every. Single. Time.

“What-what!? What do you mean you already _ have _ a backup?”

“Jeno!” Donghyuck singsongs across the hallway.

“JENO?!?”

“Cheerful Lee, stop ignoring me, get your ass in here!” Donghyuck yells loudly.

“Eh, what’s up?” Jeno asks, coming in.

“Jeno, we’re each other’s backup’s, right?” Donghyuck sweetly asks him, batting his eyelashes affectionately.

Jeno nods in agreement. “Of course, dude. Why, did Mark ask you to be his backup just now or something?” He points a finger at Mark.

“Mmhmm.”

“Sorry Mark, Donghyuck’s already _ mine _, find someone else!” Jeno replies cheerfully.

Okay, so maybe Jeno emphasized the “mine” a bit too strongly, but that’s okay. Donghyuck already knows that around their fifth year into marriage they’ll probably be going to a couples counselor for this. And by this, Donghyuck means dealing with both Jeno’s possessiveness and his own melodramatic tendencies. Similar to how he told Jaemin that him and Renjun would be in couples therapy their fourth year into marriage when Jaemin’s coffee addiction finally cracked Renjun’s mind.

But it’s to be expected. After all, just because they’re backups doesn’t mean they’re literally made for each other. That would defeat the whole point of having a backup – they’re there for when you don’t find who you’re made for.

“No he’s not!” Mark cries with irritation. “He can’t be your backup!”

“Awww, don’t be bitter Mark, maybe you’ll get to marry the pinnacle of human perfection in another life,” Donghyuck coos condescendingly. “I’m talking about me by the way, no offense Jeno.”

“You’re so conceited, Hyuck,” Jeno shakes his head.

“But he’s not your backup!” Mark says.

“Look, I’m sure Jisung or Chaeyoung or Chenle or Yeri or someone else would agree to be your backup but–”

“No, he’s literally NOT your backup!”

“Okay Mark, I think you’re taking this a little too seriously,” Jeno quips.

“No, Donghyuck is literally NOT because Jaemin said that you’re his backup, Jeno!” Mark points his finger at Jeno.

“Wait, what?” Donghyuck says amusedly. Amused, but confused.

Since when had Jeno become Jaemin’s backup?

“Yeah, sorry, what? Do I need my ears cleaned?” Jeno asks humorously. “Sorry to tell you Mark, but Jaemin was never my backup. He’s with Renjun after we all made a New Deal that Donghyuck was going to be my backup.” 

“What?”

“Donghyuck is my backup, not Jaemin,” Jeno says. “Didn’t know you took the backup stuff this seriously, dude.”

“What? No he’s not!”

“Although to be fair,” Jeno ignores Mark’s protest, “it’s your fault that you didn’t watch Friends until now and didn’t know what a backup is. We all watched it our freshman year in the dorms without you. You’re lucky Jaemin likes re-watching it so much.”

“No, that’s not true!” Mark yelps again at Jeno. “When we were watching the Season 6 Finale two days ago, the one where Rachel and Phoebe argue with Joey and Ross about who’s their backup, I asked Jaemin if you guys already had backups and he told me you were his backup, but Donghyuck didn’t have a backup yet so I could be Donghyuck’s backup!”

“Geez Mark, you really don’t like to lose an argument, are you seriously lying right now? You didn’t even know we had backups until two days ago, and I already told you that–”

“But you’re not his backup!” Mark says as he points at Donghyuck. “Jaemin said so!”

“Now, now, _ Mark Lee _–”

“Yo, Renjun!” Mark shouts into the hallway.

“Seriously, Mark?” Jeno shakes his head.

“Go bother someone else, Mark.” Renjun calls from his room.

“No wait, this is kinda entertaining, Renjun,” Donghyuck says.

The sound of a chair squeaking, feet shuffling, and Renjun pops into his and Mark’s room alongside Jeno.

There’s suddenly tension in the air between Mark and Jeno for no good reason. Really, Donghyuck thinks, there is not a real good reason to get this upset over the whole backup situation. Yes, it’s entertaining, and he’s going to love it when Renjun yells at Mark for wasting his time, and Mark gets all flustered again, but still, this was all kind of pointless.

***

Jeno is Donghyuck’s backup. 

“I mean I guess it’s like the lesser of three evils, the worst thing about you is that you’ll have awful taste in tableware and invitation stationery,” Donghyuck had complained when they first decided it. “And you’ll probably make us walk down the aisle to Pachabel’s Canon in D.”

“Wow, what a tragedy,” Jaemin had said sarcastically.

“Uh, how do you know that?” Jeno had asked confusedly. “Why would I know what any of that stuff is if we’re not even married yet? Little judgmental there, Haechannie.”

“Because you’re so _ basic _, JenJen,” Donghyuck had grimaced.

Donghyuck had also pondered about how Jeno would probably be overdramatic and say stupid sentimental shit that would make Donghyuck cry at the altar or some sappy rom-com trope like that. But he decided to keep that to himself because he didn’t want Jeno to think that he actually had the power to make Donghyuck cry.

Even so, Jeno is his marital backup. And maybe Mark would be a much more practical backup. But he’s already committed to Jeno after the four of them had made their New Deal. They’re in this together until they turned forty. 

It had all happened one Thursday night after they all had finished their midterms. They’d been watching the finale for Season 6 of Friends (which had Jaemin and Renjun crying when Chandler started proposing). Moved by the finale, an impassioned and sentimental Jaemin had (much to Donghyuck’s chagrin) dragged all of them down to the cafe open three blocks down from their dorm to get food and coffee and talk about being each other’s backups.

The New Deal is two parts. Part one stipulates that Jeno and Donghyuck are each other’s backups because Donghyuck needed Jeno’s six-figure structural engineering salary to support his actor-artist-singer-thespian-traveler career. Part two specifies that Jaemin and Renjun are each other’s backups because Jaemin would need Renjun’s six-figure cognitive science salary to support Jaemin’s coffee addiction and taste for expensive vintage cameras. 

That, and Jeno would probably be the only one out of the four of them who wouldn’t go insane handling Donghyuck’s personality long term, and Renjun and Jeno being each other’s partners was totally unfair for three reasons. 

“One, that’d mean you two would have all the money out of the four of us,” Donghyuck had crossed his arms. “You’re both making six-figure incomes combined and choose each other as backups instead of us? Absolutely insane and selfish.”

“How does that make any sense,” Renjun had retorted. “Aren’t you the ones being selfish by asking us to share our well-deserved incomes with you two jobless hacks?”

“Can’t I just choose my own backup myself?” Jeno had asked.

“Point number two,” Jaemin had said loudly, ignoring both of them, “you and me” – he had flitted a finger between him to Renjun – “have been childhood best friends since forever, and Jeno and Donghyuck had been best friends since high school in Korea. It just makes sense to marry who you know is going to be most reliable.”

“Not that you’re not reliable, Renjun, just that you won’t be as reliable to me as you will be to Jaemin,” Donghyuck had added.

“And what makes you think I won’t be reliable to Jeno?” Renjun had asked.

“You would be, you just wouldn’t be _as_ reliable as me.”

“Hyuck, you literally forgot last week that we were all getting In-N-Out and you were the one who planned that.”

“Uh, don’t I get any say in all of this?” Jeno had raised his hand.

“No,” the three of them had all firmly replied in unison.

“Dude, you’re like the lottery and we all got the same winning ticket, so now we’re trying to figure out who gets to take the prize home, fair and square,” Jaemin had explained.

“Uh, thanks? Although it’s not like you’re winning my hand in marriage here, you guys.”

“Oh please, do you see how all the girls in math lecture gawk at you like you’re a cheat sheet for a midterm?” Renjun had said cheekily. “We’re definitely winning.”

“Winning what? What is the prize? Me?”

“Yes, idiot, you're the prize. Although clearly, brains don't come with the package. Anyways, finally point number three,” Donghyuck had continued, “that’d leave me and Jaemin–” he had flitted a finger between the two of them “–single _ and _ broke _ and _starving artists at forty. And friends don’t let friends be single, broke, and starving forty year-old artists.”

After some deliberation, a milkshake agreement had sealed the deal, and they decided the backups - if they’re all still single by the time they turn forty, Jaemin and Renjun would have a double wedding ceremony with Donghyuck and Jeno in Las Vegas, to be officiated by a priest in a Spider-Man costume. It just naturally made sense at the time. 

It’s Mark’s fault that he was so late to watching Friends, and becoming friends with them, and suddenly wants in on their longstanding New Deal. As Renjun says, sucks to suck (“unless you want to suck something else,” Donghyuck would cheekily add, which would earn him a kick in the shin from Renjun).

Not that Donghyuck would ever watch Friends on his own. He only watched it with them because Jeno and Jaemin were obsessed with it, so him and Renjun had gone along with the Netflix binge. Except Renjun actually liked Friends, and Donghyuck does not. It’s not like Donghyuck secretly rewatched the finale and cried, thinks Phoebe is the most relatable character, and has Smelly Cat on his playlist.

***

“So, Renjun, backup?” Donghyuck asks a little too pointedly.

“Huh?” Renjun looks befuddled.

“You know,” Mark explains, “how like, in Friends, if none of us get married in twenty years then when we turn forty we’ll just give up and marry each other instead? Like Joey and Phoebe or Ross and Rachel?”

“Oh, the New Deal? Why is this so serious? You called me over for this?” Renjun waves his hand dismissively. “Yeah, we had this New Deal all worked out when we first watched Friends, Mark. Didn’t Jaemin tell you that two days ago?”

“Seriously Mark, it’s really not that complicated,” Jeno says. “Renjun’s backup is Jaemin, and mine is Donghyuck, and you’re the one without a backup. Not our fault you’re an old man.”

“I’m literally only a year older than you guys.”

Now it’s Renjun’s turn to look surprised. “What? No he’s not. Why would I be Jaemin’s backup when we all switched recently? Didn’t Jaemin make the Newer Deal with you two days ago? Uh, you?” Renjun points a finger to Donghyuck. “You’re my backup now, Donghyuck, not Jaemin.”

Jeno’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor.

“What? No he’s not!” Jeno says. “I’m Donghyuck’s backup! How could Hyuck be your backup? That’s not what we agreed to with the New Deal!”

“Well that’s not true,” Renjun replies, eyebrows furrowed with frustration. “Because two days ago Jaemin told me that he had recently made the Newer Deal with you and Mark, so then Jaemin would become your backup, and Donghyuck would become my backup.”

“WHAT?!” Donghyuck shouts almost incredulously.

“Yeah, he said something about the financial stability being less important than the emotional stability, or something like that,” Renjun shrugs. “The New Deal is now The Newer Deal.”

“But that’s not true either! Jaemin told me I could be Hyuck’s backup, not that you’d be Hyuck’s backup!” Mark says loudly.

“And I’m still Jeno’s backup, not yours, Junnie,” Donghyuck says incredulously. “That wouldn’t even work out! This Newer Deal thing isn’t an actual thing!”

“Wait, wait, but Jaemin told me there was a Newer Deal where Jeno became his backup and that’s why I’m your new backup! He said he talked to you guys about this and I was the last one to know!” Renjun looks confusedly at Donghyuck. 

“No he didn’t!” Jeno says exasperatedly. “We never even knew about this Newer Deal until you literally told us just now!”

“Oh my god, pleaese, please don’t tell me you did something stupid, Renjun,” Donghyuck says nervously. “Please don’t tell me you actually thought I was your backup. We’d literally be divorced our fifth month into being married.”

“Oh my god, I’m not your backup?” Renjun stares back at Donghyuck in disbelief. “I don’t have a backup?! The Newer Deal isn’t actually a thing?!”

“Wait, backup,” Donghyuck says, the tone in his voice getting more on edge by the second. “What do you mean you _ don’t _have a backup?”

“Oh my god, I’m going to kill Jaemin.”

“Renjun.”

“You guys are going to hate me.”

“Renjun Huang, what did you do?” Jeno asks in a low voice.

“God, I’m so stupid, you guys I...I...I made a milkshake agreement with him about this Newer Deal he said he had with you guys,” Renjun admits, sounding guilty, burying his face in his hands out of embarrassment.

Jeno and Donghyuck gasp in shock and recoil backwards, scandalized that Renjun and Jaemin had gone behind their backs and _ betrayed _them. Donghyuck thinks he might have a meltdown, Jeno already looks like he’s already on the third step towards having a major freakout.

“Sorry, what?” Mark looks at them confusedly. “What the hell is a milkshake agreement?”

“Wait wait wait, back up, you made a new milkshake agreement with Jaemin for a Newer Deal THAT DOESN’T EXIST?” Jeno’s voice rises astronomically in disbelief. “You broke the entire deal and now we’re all backup-less?!?!”

“And now I _ don’t _have a backup because you broke the New Deal with a new milkshake agreement? And I have no backup plan for when I turn forty?!” Donghyuck shrieks. “I’m going to be broke AND single AND a starving artist?!”

“No one in this apartment has a backup? WE’RE ALL BACKUP-LESS? NONE OF US ARE GOING TO HAVE MARRIAGE BACKUPS WHEN WE TURN FORTY!?!?!?!” Jeno screams.

“Why are we screaming?!?” Mark shouts.

“But why would Jaemin lie to me?” Renjun yells bewilderedly, audibly shocked. “We, we planned it out and everything! We even had a pre-backup plan for when we turned thirty-five! Why would he throw it all out the window over a milkshake agreement for a Newer Deal that doesn’t even exist?!”

Wait. Back up.

_ But why would Jaemin lie to me? _Donghyuck replays that sentence in his head again. “But that means… but he wouldn't… unless...”

Jaemin was the one who told Mark that Donghyuck could be his backup. Even though that wasn’t true at all.

“Unless…” Donghyuck trails off.

Oh.

“That sneaky snake-ass _ bitch _!” Renjun screams shockedly.

OH.

Jeno and Renjun and Donghyuck all look at each other at the same time, eyes gone wide with realization and horror at the crime they just realized was committed. 

Mark just glances at the three of them confusedly.

It all came back to Jaemin. Jaemin was the one who made the New Deal a year ago. Jaemin was the one who had told Mark that he could be Hyuck’s backup. Jaemin was the one who had told Renjun that there was a Newer Deal. Jaemin was the one who said that Jeno had agreed to all of this. 

Jaemin was the one who had violated the New Deal.

There is the sound of something unlocking and their apartment door opening. All their heads turn to the sound coming from outside the room.

Jaemin takes off his shoes, placing them on the shoe rack, before setting his backpack down by the kitchen table and tossing a package onto the couch. He goes back to retrieve his keys form the door lock when he realizes something.

Jaemin realizes it’s quiet, in their apartment. It’s quiet. Too quiet.

“Yo, guys, I’m home!” Jaemin yells casually.

Even more quiet. Aren’t they all usually home by now?

“Hello? Jeno? Renjun?”

No response.

“Donghyuck? Mark?”

Still no response.

“Uh, guys?” he says. “Anyone home?”

Suddenly his friends all bolt out of Mark and Donghyuck’s room.

_ “NA JAEMMIIIIIINNNNN!!!!!!!” _

* * *

** _And ah, take me out, and take me home_ **

“Come home with me!” Mark says excitedly.

What?

“I know you’re not flying back home to Korea until a week after finals end – come home with me! It would be fun. And it’s not like you’re going to be doing anything back here, when everyone else is gone. You’ll get to experience a real Canadian Christmas.”

In his heart, Donghyuck would love that. He would love that so much, to not be alone in the apartment after finals while everyone left early to go back for the holidays. He’d love to spend the holidays with Mark. It almost sounds romantic, now that he thinks about it.

But.

“Mark, that’s really sweet, but I don’t have any money to go with you to Canada.”

“I’ll pay for it!”

What?

No seriously, _ what _?

“What? Mark, I may be a brat but I’m not THAT-”

“No, seriously! I have frequent flyer miles,” Mark beams.

Frequent flyer miles. _ Frequent flyer miles? _ Donghyuck thinks to himself. Is this boy serious? Of course he would have frequent flyer miles. _ Why is that so cute? _

“Mark Lee, are you joking or are you richer than I thought you were?” Donghyuck asks. “Are you the adopted son of a secret Chinese lesbian billionaire couple or something?”

“I’m not, I’m not I’m not,” Mark insists, “I just used to travel a lot so my parents set up frequent flyer miles for me, and now I have my own frequent flyer miles set up and everything so it’ll totally work–”

“Mark, that’s sweet, but I can’t let you spend money on me like that,” Donghyuck replies.

“But I’ve spent money on you before! I’ve bought you food before!” Mark says eagerly.

_ Is this boy really making this argument right now? _ “Mark, that was for a twenty dollar MEAL at a bougie cafe we all went to. This is for a _ plane ticket _to Vancouver, Canada, which will cost hundreds of dollars–”

“That you and I won’t spend! Because we’re just gonna use my frequent flyer miles!” Mark declares, happy energy sending him bouncing up and down at the idea.

_ Why do I find that cute? _“But isn’t that technically money you spent to get the miles?” Donghyuck asks. “Actually, technically, isn’t this all your parent’s money still?”

“Please, just let me do this for you, Donghyuck,” Mark practically begs him at this point. Oh god, he even put his hands together to make a pleading gesture with wide eyes. This is so pathetic. Donghyuck doesn’t know what he hates more, how pathetic this is, or the fact that Mark knows that whenever he begs for something like this, twenty percent of the time Donghyuck will cave and give in to whatever idiotic plan Mark had. He has too much of a soft spot for Mark sometimes.

“I _ want _ you to fly out with me. It would mean the whole world to show you the magic of Christmas in Vancouver. It actually snows during the winter! You’ll finally get the magic of Christmas! You’ll finally feel it!” Mark squeals excitedly. “Plus, your ticket gives me more miles!”

Oh god, _ the magic of Christmas _. Donghyuck wants to puke. “Uh, it snows back home in Korea too, idiot,” Donghyuck deadpans. “We have winter there too.”

“But you haven’t seen a real white Christmas in Canada,” he responds, cheeks creased from him grinning like a five year-old who just found out the tooth fairy left a coin under his pillow. “It’s so magical, Hyuckie. I swear, you’re going to love it! Please? I promise it’s worth it!”

_ Why is this so cute? _

* * *

** _You're my, my, my, my…_ **

_ Is that my old YouTube channel? _

“Are you stalking my old YouTube channel?” Donghyuck asks as he looks over Mark’s shoulder. “Wha-wh-No!” Mark shouts a little too desperately, like a child caught doing something he shouldn’t have been.

“How did you even _ find _ my YouTube channel?”Donghyuck asks. If this was anyone else, Donghyuck would’ve been angry and mildly fearful for his social life. Probably straight up creeped out. Well, maybe not if it was Jaemin. 

But this is not anyone else. This is Mark. Mark couldn’t harm a fly if he tried.

“I-I didn’t! I just...I...” Mark trails off, arms flailing with shame.

It’s not a surprise that Mark is looking at his old YouTube channel (nothing really is a surprise with Mark anymore), but Donghyuck’s very curious to know how Mark found his old “fullsun_2708” account that he used back in middle school, since he’s never told Mark about it.

“I haven’t even used this since middle school?” Donghyuck says amusedly, he’s not even shocked anymore, he’s just extremely amused. 

“I...it just – okay okokokok, I, uh… I-”

“Come on Mark Lee, spit it out.” At this point Donghyuck is just annoyed more than anything, really, it’s not like this is the most embarrassing thing he’s ever caught Mark doing. Not by a zero mile. “I don’t really care that you found it, I’m just curious to know how you found it.” 

Mark looks extremely guilty, and for what Donghyuck still can’t figure out. He mumbled something inaudible under his breath and Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

“Care to repeat that, Mark Lee?”

“Jeno.”

“What?”

“That asshole,” Mark groans.

“I still don’t quite understand,” Donghyuck says, trying to get an answer out of Mark. “What does Jeno have to do with this?”

“He sent me a link to your channel,” Mark says. “I had no idea this was a link to your channel, god, I’m gonna kill him, this is the absolute WORST timing for you to have caught me on my phone.”

“Really? The worst? And not the time you were–”

“Don’t! Please don’t bring that up,” Mark starts babbling, embarrassment creeping up hotly onto his face. “I don’t want to have to remember that.”

Alright, that’s fair. He’ll just replay it in his mind and try not to laugh about it in front of Mark right now.

“So, Jeno sent you a link to my channel then–”

  
“I didn’t know it was your channel!” Mark says again. “It was like Jeno changed the link or something because I thought I was going to read a news article about bees doing math. But instead it was just a link to your YouTube channel.” He shows him the message from Jeno on his phone. Sure enough, the URL does actually have “bees-can-do-math” in it. Along with a smiley face emoji and “wow this is so cool dude” text from Jeno.

Wait.

Bees do math?

“Bees do math?” Donghyuck’s eyes widen in surprise. “Since when can bees do math?”

“No, I don’t know if – I don’t know if it’s actually a thing,” Mark waves his hands sheepishly, “that’s just what the URL had in it so that’s what I thought it would be about.”

“Wait, but bees – do they _ actually _ do math?”

“Oh – uh, well, I don’t know? I was going to click on the URL to find out but then it was just a link to your YouTube channel that Jeno spoofed somehow and–”

“Oh my god let me Google this really quick and then I’ll get back to berating you for looking at my YouTube channel,” Donghyuck says absentmindedly as he types into Google _ can bees do math _ and Mark is stuttering something, sounds like an apology, how insincere at this point because he knows Mark shamelessly–

“Holy shit, they can do the math!” Donghyuck exclaims, unbelievable. There it is, the first article that popped up: “Bees Can Solve Math Problems That Would Stump the Average Toddler”. Unbelievable. No, un_ bee _lievable. A bee was better at math than he was. And he’s double majoring in econ.

“Renjun!” Donghyuck shouts. “RENJUN!”

“What!” Renjun replies.

“Come in here!”

“Why?” Renjun asks.

“I need to tell you something important!”

Renjun walks in from the kitchen into Mark and Donghyuck’s room, Mark still unsure of what to think of the whole situation. 

“What’s up?”

“Renjun, did you know that BEES can do math?” Donghyuck tells him. “They like, can solve math problems like kindergartners can!” 

“Uh...ok? That’s cool, but why did you have to call me over here to tell me?” Renjun asks, slightly more annoyed than he was a couple of seconds ago.

“Because it’s cool! Like, bees do math! They pollinate our flowers, they can sting us, and now they do math! They’re like, babies! Right, Mark?”

"Uh...right?" Mark says hesitantly.

“Really? That’s it?” Renjun asks, mild annoyance scrunched on his face.

“Yeah!”

“Uh, ok? Why was that so important you had to call me over?”

“Oh, well it’s also because LOOK WHAT I CAUGHT MARK LOOKING AT,” Donghyuck screams as he grabs Mark’s phone out of his hand and shoves it front of Renjun’s face. There's look of surprise, a “What the-?!”, then irritance, then realization, and finally a cheeky grin. Renjun’s eyes light up mischievously.

“NO DON’T SHOW HIM OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH AHHHHHHHHHH.”

“Mark Lee, is this Haechannie’s old YouTube channel? Have you been watching his videos?” Renjun grins a bit too widely. “Have you been stalking him? What else have you been trying to find out about Donghyuck in your spare time?” he says, a laugh stifled somewhere in between his words.

“No oh my gosh no okay no it’s not what you think Jeno did this to me he SET ME UP!”

“Ah ah ah, blaming Jeno,” Donghyuck chastises him too sweetly. It’s almost sickening. Mark wants to die in his shame. “Don’t blame Jeno for this one, Mark. You should accept full responsibility for your actions and just admit it. This is creepy. You’re a social media stalker. Who else have you stalked in this apartment?”

“OKAYOKAYOKAYOKAY you’re making this look like I’m stalking you when I’m not–”

“You’re so weird, Mark, it’s kinda more entertaining than the news about bees knowing how to do math,” Renjun laughs, and both he and Donghyuck cackle as Mark whines himself into a puddle on the ground. “It’s okay-okay-okay-okay, we know you still love us!” they both imitate Mark mockingly with glee as he buries his face in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter and are enjoying the story so far!
> 
> If you ever want to ask me about this fic (or anything, really), I've made a Twitter and curiouscat where you can find me! I'm not always super active on SNS but I promise to try! :)
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues) | [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues) | [official Lover playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ZkOabBMhNqXQQejm34G0G?si=h8wvYOKzQ8SOcUd71ucQCQ)
> 
> Also:
> 
> [Bees Can Solve Math Problems That Would Stump the Average Toddler](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiUE9E_wcTY)


	3. Delicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though he’s platonically friends with Jeno, Donghyuck wonders what it would be like to do this with Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so instead of 10 chapters it's now going to be a 12-chapter story. I realized that the story I wanted to tell would do better (pacing wise) with an extra two chapters/more separation between sections.
> 
> The structure of this chapter (flitting between current events/past flashbacks) will be used for the next three chapters. You will see why when we get there.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

** _We could let our friends crash in the living room_ **

“Hey, is it okay if I crash here tonight?” Jeno asks.

“Yeah, of course dude,” Donghyuck says nonchalantly. “You want the couch again? Me and Mark were gaming so it’s kinda messy but I can clean it up.”

“Actually...I was thinking maybe your bed,” Jeno says.

“Ohhh. Oh no. Did something happen with Renjun?”

He hesitates, and then lets go of the tension in his body. “Yeah, it’s just...complicated.”

“How bad?” Donghyuck asks him.

“So bad that Jaemin is actually upset at me too.”

“So bad that you don’t want to go back to Santa Monica?” 

“Yeah, you could say that,” Jeno says.

“Damn, man, what happened?”

Jeno doesn’t respond to that, so Donghyuck figures he’s going to have to coax it out of him. Sometimes Jeno can be stubborn like that. 

“Y’know, this would be a lot less complicated of a living situation if you, Jaemin and Renjun had stayed here for the summer, instead of subleasing a place down there,” Donghyuck starts. “It would make it a lot easier to hang out with you guys.”

“Yeah, but you know that we all wanted to move to the beach for a summer,” Jeno whines softly. “And we all found summer jobs and internships in Santa Monica, so it worked out because we wanted to live closer. None of us really felt like commuting.” 

“I did offer to drive you guys,” Donghyuck adds.

Jeno just shakes his head. “You have a life too, Hyuckie. Didn’t think it was fair to restrict you like that. Also you know that you would start feeling like a taxi and you’d hate it.”

Donghyuck sighs. “I guess you’re right.”

He lets out a small noise when Jeno moves slightly to rest his head on his lap.

“It just sucks, I thought summer was going to be going better than this,” Jeno says.

Donghyuck knows how Jeno feels. He’d felt uncertain about his own summer only three months ago, when he thought Mark was going to stop being friends with them forever.

***

“I know. I’m sorry,” Mark had apologized. “I really am sorry, Hyuck. But don’t worry, I’ll make it up to you, yeah? We have summer, once the semester is over,” Mark tried lightening the conversation. “During summer, when I’m not as busy, we can do more stuff, you know? Like old times?”

Donghyuck couldn’t help but roll his eyes, irritated at Mark’s excuses. “Get a grip, Mark Lee, we’re not  _ that  _ ancient. Old times? Really? What, are we forty now? It’s only our third summer together,” he replied.

Mark had only grinned cheekily in response. “Still open to being my backup?”

Donghyuck had thrown a pillow at him. “You wish.”

“We’re still best friends though, right Haechannie?”

Donghyuck paused.

_ Are we still friends?  _ Donghyuck had thought to himself.  _ Why do I even have to think about that, as if it’s questionable to wonder that now? _

He felt disappointment wash over him.

“Yeah, of course we are,” Donghyuck had tried saying breezily, but that wasn’t the truth. “Of course we’re always best friends!” he had said cheerfully, except that wasn’t how he actually felt.

***

“D’you wanna talk about it?” Donghyuck asks. “Renjun texted me and asked if you were here, you know. You wanna tell me what happened?”

Another small noise, but this time it’s from Jeno.

“It’s okay if you don’t,” says Donghyuck.

Five seconds of silence follows.

“I just, it’s so dumb that Renjun doesn’t understand that I feel left out,” Jeno says reluctantly.

“You guys have never had a fight before, right?”

“Well, I mean technically, we all did fight about the New Deal.”

“Okay, that doesn’t count. I meant like a serious fight.”

“Then no,” Jeno says. “It’s...this is our first serious fight.”

“Does it have to do with what you told me a few days ago, about you being a bit jealous?”

“Ah...it’s not...um...yeah,” Jeno admits. “I just felt like it was a chance for all three of us to get close but...I just kinda blew up on everyone.”

“Why were you jealous?”

“It felt like they were getting closer without me,” Jeno replies softly, his breathing even but louder now. “I mean, it was my idea to move to Santa Monica for the summer with the three of us, and Renjun wasn’t on board at first, but now they’re the two who are closer and always going out and...it feels lonely. And I hate it.”

“But they’re your friends, Jeno.”

“But it doesn’t feel like it,” Jeno says. “It just makes me feel dumb because I know they don’t mean it, and it’s dumb to be jealous but my feelings are valid, right?”

“Yes, your feelings are valid,” Donghyuck tells him. He knows this well enough, because he knows exactly how Jeno feels. He knows the feeling well enough after last semester with Mark being on the U Team. Too well, actually. “But you don’t have to always let those feelings control you.”

“I know," Jeno says defeatedly, an apologetic tone coloring his words.

“So why is Jaemin also mad at you?”

“It’s because...I ended up yelling at Renjun, and Jaemin didn’t think that was fair. He was so quiet the whole time, just watching us argue. We never fight.” 

“Oh.” That was incredibly out of character for Jeno, whom he had never heard raise his voice at anyone. It reminds him of when he also acted irrationally, out of turn, when he had the worst fight of his life with Mark a couple months ago.

***

"Newsflash, Donghyuck, my life doesn’t revolve around you!" Mark had shouted angrily. "I don’t have to respond to you every time you call or text me or ask me to hang out because guess what? I have a life of my own! And I’m allowed to live it without you because it’s  _ my  _ life, not yours!”

Donghyuck had slammed his hands on the table. “You can’t just blow me off like I’m nothing!" he yelled back. "I have been so fucking patient with you and instead of having the fucking decency to text me back, you treat me like I don’t even exist! Ignore me while you post on social media that you’re hanging out with U Team instead!”

“Then that’s your problem, not mine! Get over yourself!” Mark had shouted.

“No, it is your problem! Seriously, what the fuck is your problem, Mark? You think I should just  _ get over myself  _ when you can’t even be mature and fucking text me back or talk to me? Give me a straight answer? Like I’m not your best friend?”

“You are my best–”

“Shut up! Just shut up!” Donghyuck had screamed angrily at Mark, frustration boiling over and exacerbating the severity of each word. “You’re not my best friend, because if you were you wouldn’t be treating me like this! You’re just a jackass, Mark Lee!”

***

“He texted me later and told me that it wasn’t cool that I blew up on Renjun like that,” Jeno says. ”And I shouldn’t have stormed off like that. And I shouldn’t have made Renjun cry. And that I needed to apologize.”

“Ah, yeah, I see why you don’t want to go back right now, that’s...that’s really bad.”

“But it just, it wasn’t fair of me but I was so mad, Hyuckie,” Jeno says softly, almost too familiar to Hyuck. It burns, how familiar this entire situation is to him. Because he knows exactly how Jeno feels, because he’s been there too, a few times. With Mark being on the U Team last semester. It’s like he’s looking at a mirror that’s reflecting onto his own past.

“They would always go out to get dinner or takeout or see a movie, and of course I work later because my shifts start at noon and end at 10 PM and...I don’t know, even when we had free time together, they never wanted to do anything. Just stay in the apartment,” Jeno rants to him. “But when it was the two of them, they wanted to go out, and hang out with Yangyang. I don’t even know Yangyang, but Renjun and Jaemin cared more about hanging out with him than they did with me.”

***

“Where are you going?” Donghyuck had asked.

“Oh, me and some of the U Team guys are going to get a quick snack before practice!” Mark had said happily. “There’s this new boba place that opened up and we’re gonna go check it out right now.”

“Wait, but I thought you were busy before practice today and that’s why you couldn’t hang out?” Donghyuck had asked confusedly.

“Oh, no, I’m usually busy! I go with Sicheng and Doyoung to study for our business class together, since we all end class at the same time. But I came back here to eat beforehand.”

“Oh.” Donghyuck felt really hurt, and he didn’t know why he felt like he was being excluded when he wasn’t even on the U Team. All he knew was that he felt upset that Mark had prioritized hanging out with the U Team instead of with him.

“Yeah. Hey, I’ll see you later!” Mark had called back as he strolled out of the apartment.

“Okay, sorry, yeah, I’ll see you–” 

But Mark had already gone out the door.

***

“Dude, I get that. It’s a shitty feeling, like you’re being excluded,” Donghyuck comforts him, running his thumbs over Jeno’s palm absentmindedly, memories flashing back to the fight he had with Mark and its aftermath. “But at the same time, you should realize that their schedules match up better than yours with theirs and maybe they just want to go out and see Santa Monica, you know? You’re only there for one summer. All of you want to make the most of it.” 

“I know, I know,” Jeno says. “I know, it’s stupid of me to be jealous when I already felt like this was gonna happen, because they have days off on the weekend and mine are during the week. I know I should’ve handled it better. I just...I was just so frustrated, it’s so hard, Hyuckie, when you feel like you’re being left out.”

“It’s okay, Jeno,” he replies tenderly. “It’s okay. It is hard when you feel like that. You know how much I understand that. I get it, Jeno. I get it.”

They sit like that for awhile, in silence, Jeno’s head lying on Donghyuck’s lap, staring at the ceiling lights for a bit, as Donghyuck hums a bit of a tune they all know. Jeno can feel Donghyuck’s stomach inhaling and exhaling.

“Do you want me and Mark to come with you to Santa Monica tomorrow and we can all talk about it? Would it help if we came? You all know that me and Mark had a similar conversation a few months ago too,” Donghyuck offers. “They probably don’t understand why you’re so upset. Maybe they will if I tell them that you feel like how I felt when me and Mark had that bad fight.”

“Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Maybe when they realize it’s kinda similar to you and Mark...I don’t know, I hope it doesn’t get that bad,” Jeno sighs. “No offense, Hyuckie, but I literally thought all of us were never going to be friends again after that.”

“None taken. I wouldn’t want you guys to go through what we went because that was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in college and I never want to do that again. It’s better you talk it out than be idiots like me and Mark were.”

“You still are idiots,” Jeno jokes.

“I would tell you to shut up, but it’s true,” Donghyuck laughs. “Mark is an idiot. I’m only stupid when I want to be though.”

More silence. Jeno shifts a bit in Donghyuck’s lap, and it’s not uncomfortable but it makes him adjust his legs a little bit. Donghyuck hums a lullaby his mom used to sing to him when he was younger. Jeno closes his eyes. “We can move to my bed if you want,” Donghyuck remembers. 

Jeno glances up at him with glassy puppy eyes and a cute pout. “Please.”

He can’t say no to that.

They get up, and Jeno grabs the blankets and they head over to Mark and Donghyuck’s room. Donghyuck’s bed is comfortable. Warm. Familiar. Jeno doesn’t really like to snuggle, but falling asleep with Donghyuck is one of Jeno’s favorite ways to fall asleep. He always insists that it’s just so warm, whenever he sleeps with Donghyuck, and it’s nice to have someone to fall asleep against.

Jeno once tried explaining his need for a sleep buddy by comparing it to how Ross and Joey were each other’s nap buddies. Donghyuck had hated that he used Friends to try and explain it, so much that he almost stopped being his sleep partner right then and there, if Jeno wasn’t so damn adorable with his cute little puppy eyes and cute little apologies.

One time Donghyuck told Jeno to get an actual love life so he could do this with someone else. Jeno politely reminded him that they are backups and he should get used to it, in case they’re still both single at forty.

Donghyuck lies down and puts his hands against the pillow, petting Jeno’s hair. It’s so soft and fluffy and cute. He could card his fingers through it forever.

“Are Jisung and Chenle okay?” Jeno asks, a yawn passing over him.

“Yeah, they’re fine,” Donghyuck replies. “Chenle’s back home with his parents, and Jisung’s asleep right now. He passed out on Jaemin’s bed.”

“Oh my god, Jaemin would absolutely die if he found out about that,” Jeno says amusedly.

Having Jisung and Chenle sublet Jaemin’s plus Renjun and Jeno’s room was actually working out fine, surprisingly. They both appreciated having a single in the apartment, so they didn’t mind paying the full rent for their rooms. Jaemin also didn’t mind adding Jisung to his room for the next school year. Actually, Jaemin was probably a little too keen about it – poor Jisung has no idea what he’s about to get into, living with all of them. But especially with Jaemin. 

Donghyuck was surprised that Chenle’s mom was okay with him staying in the apartment instead of living at home. He knows Chenle’s parents are stingy with money, so they were all very surprised when Chenle told them that his mom was was okay with him subletting Renjun and Jeno’s room. But having Chenle in the apartment for the summer was fun, because Chenle loved to talk shit, and that was definitely one of Donghyuck’s favorite pastimes. Especially when they talked shit about Mark.

“You’ll love Jisung in the apartment next year,” Donghyuck tells him. “Now it won’t just be me and Jaemin making fun of you, it’ll also be Jisung too!”

Jeno yawns. “Yeah, he’s just a freshman baby but it’s kinda endearing, in a way,” he says sleepily. “Thinks he’s all tough even though he’s such a softie.”

He shifts a bit to get in a more comfortable position. Donghyuck doesn’t spoon him yet, but he lies down next to Jeno under the covers. Jeno snuggles closer to him to feel his warmth.

“Hey, I gotta stay up for Mark to get home because he forgot his keys so I have to let him in, but it’s okay if you fall asleep without me,” Donghyuck smiles into the back of Jeno. “Is that okay with you?”

Jeno hums in agreement. “Thanks, Hyuck,” he says.

“Did it feel better talking?”

“Yeah. I think I feel better about talking to them tomorrow.” 

“Of course. Anytime, dude.”

“You’ll come, right?”

“Promise.”

Jeno pauses a bit.

“Thanks for letting me stay,” Jeno turns to face him once more as he yawns.

“Why wouldn’t I? This is your apartment too, idiot,” Donghyuck teases him lightly. “Just because you’re not living here now doesn’t mean you didn’t live here. And you’re moving back here anyways in a month and a half. You’re stuck with me, Cheerful Lee,” he laughs airily.

Jeno smiles and yawns again. “Can you cuddle me until I fall asleep again, Witty Lee?”

Donghyuck scrunches his nose. “You are such a child sometimes, you know that, right?”

Jeno pouts at him affectionately. “Takes one to know one. And I need the warmth of the full sun to fall asleep at night,” he insists. “You know I sleep better when you do.”

“Oh please shut up, you are so cheesy and co-dependent that I wanna vomit. Using that old line about my nickname? Really? What, are you feeling nostalgic now too?”

“Love you too,” Jeno yawns again, as he shifts his body so that Donghyuck can wrap his arms around him and spoon him.

“Y’know, Jaemin would absolutely  _ die  _ if he found out Cheerful Lee liked being cuddled to sleep,” Donghyuck says. “Just tell him you like being cuddled in your sleep and he’ll probably forgive you for everything you did today. He would never let you sleep on your own again and end up suffocating you under the cuddles of his blankets.”

“But it’s only with you that this works for me. Which is why this is  _ our  _ little secret, ok, Haechannie?” Jeno replies with closed eyes.

“Well, you just know how much I love secrets,” Donghyuck says coyly.

The conversation ends as Donghyuck can sense Jeno is getting too sleepy to keep talking, so he just stays in that position until he can feel the rise and fall of Jeno’s chest, his breathing becoming more even and fluid, like an autumn breeze in Seoul. After about ten minutes of waiting, Donghyuck slowly unwraps his arms from Jeno and looks to see that he’s fallen deep in slumber, peacefully sleeping on his bed.

Even though he’s platonically friends with Jeno, Donghyuck wonders what it would be like to do this with Mark. Their relationship is platonic, and Mark is one of his best friends, and he knows he shouldn’t try to, not after everything they’ve had to work through already, when he finally feels like they’re in a normal, healthy place again with each other, but it’s–

_ Oh right, Mark. _

He checks his phone – there’s a text from Mark that says he would be home in five minutes, which he had gotten five minutes ago. Donghyuck goes back to the hallway just in time to hear the buzzer. He picks up. 

“Hey, can you let me in? I _ really _ need to pee,” Mark whines.

Donghyuck stifled a giggle. He doesn’t know why he finds that so funny, but it just is. “But Mark, what if I told you that I  _ really  _ need to take a  _ shower _ in  _ Niagara Falls _ –”

“Okay okay okay please, Hyuck, please let me in.”

“You’re so weak,” Donghyuck laughs through the phone as he presses the button to unlock the complex’s door for Mark. It never gets old, pushing all of Mark’s buttons. 

It’s not even a minute before there’s a loud banging on the door, followed by Mark’s extremely loud pleas that his bladder is going to explode if Donghyuck doesn’t open the door right now. He laughs as he unlocks the door but leaves the chain latched on, which makes Mark whine even more.

“Tsk, you’re going to wake up Jeno and Jisung,” Donghyuck chides him quietly. 

More annoying whines. 

“If you promise to be quiet so you don’t wake Jeno up, I’ll open the door,” he singsongs softly. “It’s your call, Mark.”

“What–why is Jeno even here? I thought he was in Santa Monica for the summer with Renjun and Jaemin?” Mark asks him, lowering his voice. “Did something happen?”

“Well, I could tell you, but I don’t want to  _ spill  _ all the secrets that would just  _ flow  _ out in a  _ rush  _ of words–”

“You’re insufferable sometimes, you know that?” Mark furiously whispers through the crack of the door. “Beyond insufferable. If I was Jeno you’d let me inside, no problem, but no, because it’s me, I’m literally about to frickin’ piss my pants and you won’t even open the door.”

Donghyuck grins. “But you love me for that,” he whispers back lovingly.

“Just let me in, please, before I actually pee my pants,” Mark practically begs as Donghyuck laughs evilly. It’s just too much fun, sometimes, teasing Mark.

“Say you love me and I will. Jeno just told me he loved me. Why can't you?”

“Okay, fine, fine, I  _ love  _ you, there, now let me in to pee.”

“You don’t actually mean it,” Donghyuck pouts playfully. “You just want to get in to pee. Why can’t you just say you love me? Jeno just told me he loved me, why can’t you?”

“Yes, okay, fine, I do, I love you, now please let me in–”

“Say it like you mean it.”

“Fine. I love _ you _ .” Mark spits it out. 

He knows Mark doesn’t mean it, so he toys with him a bit more.

“Will you leave me?”

“No, why would I leave, I need to pee right now.”

“Will you be there, right beside me?”

“What are you–are you just quoting Drake?!”

“Yes, now  _ actually  _ say that you love me like you mean it!”

“Donghyuck, you’re being ridiculous–”

“Okay, so what if I told you that we’re near a flowing  _ river  _ and there’s so much water  _ rushing  _ down the  _ stream _ as it pools  _ ridiculously  _ near–”   


“Motherf–Donghyuck Lee _ ,  _ just open the goddamn door!” 

* * *

** _This is our place, we make the call_ **

“Your call, Mark.”

“I hate when you do this,” Mark says.

There’s tension in the air. Donghyuck has been trying to get under Mark’s skin for the past five minutes, slowly but surely. Maybe this is just him being a little evil, but he gets some sort of sadistic kick out of seeing Mark get so worked up over nothing. Seeing Mark all riled up, all feisty over nothing like it’s something.

So he stays as cool as a cucumber, just pretending to be innocent and like nothing is wrong.

So maybe he is more than just a little evil.

“I’m not forcing you to do anything,” Donghyuck insists innocently.

“See, you’re doing it again! You’re doing it again, trying to get me to–”

“It’s literally your decision-”

“Don’t!” Mark exclaims, waving his hands. “Don’t play mind games with me! Please!”

“Oh?” Is that so?

“Why, am I being too much of a tease?” he says sarcastically.

Mark cries in frustration.

“I KNOW you’re the mafia, Hyuck!”

“This is  _ literally _ just a game, Mark,” Chenle deadpans.

“Chenle, you don’t understand!” Mark says. “He does this  _ every  _ time we play mafia, every time I think he’s a mafia he’s not, every time I think he’s innocent he’s not, every time I think he’s the doctor he’s not, every time I think he’s telling the truth he’s not, every time I think he’s lying to me–”

“I’m not?” Donghyuck finishes for him, smiling sweetly. “And I’m not lying right now.”

“You are so stupid, Mark,” Chenle says as he shakes his head. “How could Donghyuck be the mafia? I literally just told you that  _ I’m  _ the doctor and I saved you and if Donghyuck was mafia, no one would’ve died, right?” Chenle tries reasoning with him. “But I saved you, and the mafia killed Jaemin, not you.”

“But, but Jisung can’t be–”

“I’m not!” Jisung protests. “Come on, you guys, this is my first time ever playing, how would I be the mafia? I don’t even understand the rules!”

“See? See!” Mark points at Donghyuck. “He’s the mafia!”

“No I’m not,” Donghyuck says flatly. “If I was mafia, I would’ve tried to kill you, and Chenle saving you would have meant no one would’ve died. But you’re not dead, because Chenle is the doctor and is literally telling you that you didn’t die because he saved you, and Jaemin died instead.”

“I...wait,” Mark scrunches his face, eyeing Jisung suspiciously. 

“I mean, doesn’t it make sense?’ Chenle shrugs. “Jisung doesn’t like Jaemin that much. He’s just playing innocent as an act to trick you.”

“Hey!” Jisung yelps.

“Lies,” Jaemin says smugly. “Everyone knows I’m Jisung’s favorite, and Jisung loves me the most. There’s a reason he loves to sleep on my bed,” he practically coos, and honestly Donghyuck wants to vomit. But he also can’t be mad, because if Jeno wasn’t such a shy baby he would be bragging about how much Jeno likes sleeping in his bed too.  _ And  _ cuddling with him, on top of that. It would make Jaemin so furious if he found out, he’d love the absolute mess of it all. But he won’t ever tell Jeno’s secret. 

That was something he would have to let Jaemin find out on his own. It’ll be more satisfying to watch the mess unfold when Jaemin gets mad at Jeno after he eventually finds out.

“Hey!” Jisung yelps again at Jaemin.

“He’s not your favorite, Jaemin. I know for a fact that I am, because he told me so,” Chenle says cockily. “Oh, and he also personally told me that he only likes you for your bed because he doesn’t like climbing up to the top bunk.”

“No he doesn’t, he loves me, I’m his favorite,” Jaemin gloats. “We even picked out our bunk bed because Jisung liked it the most when we went to Ikea! Right, Jisungie?”

But Jisung’s slight hesitation gives it away. “I...well–”

  
“Jisungie!!!!” Jaemin whines as he goes to tackle a wailing Jisung who’s desperately trying to shake Jaemin off his shoulders. 

“Ohmygod Jaemin please getoffmethisissouncomfortable–”

“Hey! Dead people can’t interact with townies, stupid,” Renjun snaps as he pulls Jaemin off of Jisung and smacks his head.

“Jisunggieeeee,” Jaemin pouts, trying to stretch his arms out to grab onto Jisung again. “You lied to your Nana.”

“Can you please shut up so they can finish the game?” Renjun huffs exasperatedly. 

“You’re just bitter you got killed off first, Injunnie,” Jaemin sticks his tongue out.

“Seriously Mark, just make up your mind and kill someone already,” Jeno says in agreement with Renjun. “You’re the tiebreaker vote. You’re taking way too long to decide on this.”

“I–”

“Come on Mark, Jisung is the mafia, it’s so obvious how flustered he’s gotten this entire game,” Donghyuck says. “Told you the innocent act was just an act. Can you please kill him so the townies can win?”

“I, you, Donghyuck I swear if you’re lying–”

“Come on, Mark, I literally told you,  _ I’m  _ the doctor,” Chenle says.

“I...fine,” Mark sighs resignedly, raising his hand. “I vote Jisung.”

There’s a finality to the way he said it.

And that’s how Donghyuck knows he’s won. And he’s so happy that he gets to trick Mark  _ again _ , he loves seeing how flustered Mark gets every time. He doesn’t care if he finds it cute, he just likes seeing Mark all embarrassed and uncomposed. And this time will be such a treat, because it’s not just him, it’s also–

“Alright, done! Jisung, were you the mafia?” Chenle asks innocently.

“No! You’re all the worst!” Jisung whines. “Gosh, Mark, you’re so dumb, I can’t believe–”

Betrayal spreads across Mark’s face as his eyes widen with realization. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh OH MY GOSH THAT MEANS YOU’RE–”

“I didn’t lie to you though–”

“YOU LIED TO ME DONGHYUCK–”

“But I didn’t  _ try  _ to kill you, me and Chenle agreed that–”

“THERE WERE TWO MAFIA?!?!”

“Oh my god, Mark, I literally told you that at the beginning of the game, were you not listening?” Jeno groans.

Loud, high-pitched screeching laughter fills the room as Chenle falls over in a fit of giggles, cackling, “I can’t believe you never realized that  _ I  _ was lying to you!”

“This is why I have trust issues!” Mark wails.

“And this is why you’re literally the biggest loser on the planet,” Donghyuck sneers.

“It’s literally just a game, you guys,” Renjun says.

“I told you the innocent act was all an act,” Donghyuck says cheekily as Mark groans.

Jaemin uses the commotion as an excuse to cuddle Jisung again and whine in his ear. Jisung screams again, Renjun tackles Jaemin, and Jeno jumps off the couch to avoid the crossfire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll find out why exactly Mark and Donghyuck were fighting in the next two chapters.
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues)
> 
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues)
> 
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	4. I Knew You Were Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’d been through a lot of firsts with Mark. His first music class. His first apartment roommate. His first best friend from Canada. And his first large, serious fight.
> 
> He’s known Mark for more than three summers now, and he wants them all. He wants all those firsts with Mark, and only Mark. And it scares him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so just a warning – this chapter (and the next one) are pretty emotionally heavy. I've been slowly hinting that this was coming, but here's the **fight** that they have.
> 
> I more or less thought of this as what I thought their Summer 2017 fight would be about. Obviously, I don't actually know what happened, but this is more or less what I think could have happened.
> 
> I know this is kind of an abrupt change of pace in terms of tone, but I think that's what happens sometimes, whenever you reach a really, really rocky part and fight of a friendship. Suddenly unsaid things that simmered under the surface come to a roiling boil and you're faced with no longer having to think of someone as a friend who will always be there for you, but someone who you need to evaluate and think about in terms of where they fit in your life.

** _And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you_ **

Today is April 25th, and Donghyuck decided to hold off on having this conversation with Mark until now, after Jeno’s birthday party two days ago. 

Mark had just gotten home four seconds ago.

“Hey, Hyuck,” he says.

“Well hello to you too, jackass.”

Maybe he should’ve started out with a better line than what he had said, but it’s too late. At this point, the damage had been done, and there’s no turning back.

“Uh, wow, okay, harsh much?” Mark laughs, trying to play it off. “How was your day?”

“Oh good, you know, just waiting for you to come back home. How was yours?”

“My day was good, I just got back from–”

“From what? U Team Practice? With Sicheng and Jaehyun and the ‘wow they’re so cool guys’ and all that fun stuff, right?”

Mark only stares back. “Do you have to be so hostile right now? Why are you being like this?”

“Really, Mark? Really? No, the better question is, why are  _ you _ being like this?”

“Being like what?”

“Oh, actually, you know what? I have an even better question to ask you,” Donghyuck muses sarcastically. “In fact, it’s  _ so  _ much better that I’ve been waiting all day for you to come home, just so I could ask it straight to your face!”

Mark looks at him, a bit apprehensive. “You could’ve just found me on campus.”

“But on campus wouldn’t be the appropriate place to ask you a question.”

Mark attempts to laugh, trying to diffuse the situation. “You couldn’t just ask me over text?”

“Oh, I  _ would _ , except you don’t bother answering my texts anymore, since you’re too  _ busy _ all the time for me now, right?”

Donghyuck sees Mark tense at the tone in his voice.

“I...what are you trying to say?”

“I’m going to ask you a question, Mark.”

“Donghyuck, please don’t, now really–”

“No, now is the perfect time, actually,” Donghyuck says as the anger starts rising up in his chest, “to ask you why you’ve been a complete fucking jackass to me for the past three months.”

***

Mark had tried out for the U Team at the beginning of the semester.

It was a special “subunit” competitive team that was part of NCT, which was a team that was a part of SMTown, the largest dance crew on campus that were notorious for taking everyone but only letting select the best for their advanced teams, like Red Velvet and NCT.

Donghyuck had tried out and gotten onto the NCT’s 127 subunit team last fall semester, but decided to take a break from it this semester to focus on school and the first of his harder upper division classes. Mark had auditioned for The NCT Team, and then later the U Team, at the start of the spring semester. It was going to be his way to alleviate his stress during school. 

To everyone’s delight, Mark’s audition went well and had been invited to join the U Team for the spring. Donghyuck was beyond thrilled when he found out. He was happy that Mark was going to be on a dance team, and he couldn’t wait to have mutual friends with Mark when he met his old teammates from 127 on the U Team.

“Donghyuck, I got on the team!” Mark screamed ecstatically when he got the email.

“Oh my god, you guys! Mark got in!” Donghyuck yelled into the hall.

“Into what?” Renjun called back from his room. “A cult?”

“No, NCT’s U Sub-Team in SMTown!”

“Oh my god – congrats, Mark! That’s big!” Renjun yelled as he hugged Mark.

“Dude!!!” Jeno squealed as he hugged all four of them.

“Hey, don’t group hug without me!” Jaemin whined from his room.

“Get in here, Nana!” Donghyuck shouted.

“Guys, I’m gonna be on the dance team! You can come see me on showcase next semester like we did last semester with Hyuck!” Mark said happily. “I’m gonna go to dance competitions now! Oh my gosh, I’m gonna be on the U Team! I’m a dancer!”

“We’re so proud of you, Mark,” Donghyuck replied excitedly.

***

Five minutes in and their conversation is going absolutely nowhere. 

If anything, Donghyuck is just finding it harder and harder to quell the rage burning inside his chest, threatening to light every part of his body aflame.

“Why are you so upset that I’m hanging out with Taeyong and Jaehyun instead of you?” Mark’s voice rises from his usual mellow timbre. “Is it that big of a deal that I’m close to the U Team guys now? And you’re not because you’re not on the 127 team with them anymore? Are you that petty and upset?”

There it is again, Donghyuck thinks bitterly, Mark deflecting and refusing to admit he fucked up and is wrong.

“Yes, I am _ that  _ petty and upset!” Donghyuck raises his voice in return, so upset and hurt that Mark doesn’t understand why this makes him feel so angry. Shudders at that awful feeling washing further up beyond his gut and into his chest and he hates it, he hates feeling like this. He hates that he hates Mark right now. 

“Haechan–”

“Don’t! Don’t you dare try and pull that shit on me! You have no right,” he almost yells furiously, “to try and blame this on me when I have been nothing but nice and supportive and patient when I keep putting up with your complete load of crap–”

“Why do you care so much who my other friends are?!” Mark blurts out. “They’re your teammates and friends too! You were literally on the 127 subunit team dancing with some of them last semester! Am I not allowed to do that, too? I’m allowed to have other friends, Donghyuck!”

“Oh, I’m your friend? That’s hilarious, Mark. Because you keep blowing me off and ignoring me to hang out with them! Who apparently matter more than me, because you don’t even care about hanging out with me anymore! About hanging out with any of us!”

“I’m not blowing any of you off! They’re my friends, just like you guys are! I make plans with other friends. And if you can’t understand that I have a life outside of what revolves around you–”

“Oh, so are you saying  _ I’m _ being the  _ self-centered _ one when you literally won’t even respond to my texts or just tell me, just be HONEST with me, about having plans with other people?” Donghyuck seethes, trying so hard not to raise his voice at Mark. He has never felt this furious with him before.

***

“Hey, Mark?” said Jeno, voice a bit higher than usual.

Mark glanced up from his homework to see Jeno looking at him with an anxious expression. Usually Jeno wasn’t one to get anxiety over homework assignments, so he wondered if maybe Jeno was freaking out about his midterm tomorrow. 

“What’s up?” Mark replied.

“I...I, uh, was wondering if I could ask you something,” Jeno said nervously.

“About?”

“Uh...oh gosh, there’s really no way I can say this without it being awkward,” Jeno huffed wearily. “But, uh, I need to ask you about something.”

I didn’t sound like it was related to his midterm tomorrow.

Mark felt very confused by how Jeno was acting and how vague he was being. Usually Jeno wasn’t someone who got nervous talking around him. In fact, he probably had the easiest time talking with Jeno, because he was so nice and friendly. Jeno had been the first of Donghyuck’s friends that Mark had felt close to.

“You can ask me anything, it’s okay,” Mark smiled reassuringly.

“I...well, I was talking to Donghyuck–”

Mark’s brain short circuited a bit.

What had Donghyuck said? Did he say that Mark was avoiding him? Was Donghyuck telling everyone that? Why did Donghyuck think that he was avoiding him intentionally? Why couldn’t Donghyuck just be a normal friend and not freak out about this? He wasn’t avoiding him. 

Right?

“–and, uh...well,” Jeno hesitated slightly before continuing, “he said that you uh...or at least he uh, noticed, I guess, that you kind of don’t want to hang out with us anymore.”

“What?” Mark squeaked incredulously. 

If Jeno had just said “with him” anymore, it would be okay. Mark would take it up with Donghyuck personally, just try talking to him again about how things had gotten awkward and figure out what went wrong. But “with us” meant that Jeno might be feeling how Donghyuck felt as well. And that felt like an awful, painful punch to the face.

" What do you mean, Jeno? We’re hanging out right now,” Mark said tentatively.

“No, I know, just...well, you don’t really hang out with us much outside of studying or getting dinner sometimes,” Jeno replied. “And uh...well, Donghyuck mentioned it was because you would always be busy with your U Team stuff, or something, and uh...well, do you not want to hang out with us anymore?”

" What? No, no, of course I do!” Mark tried explaining. “It’s just, I’ve been busy this semester, it’s a huge commitment, being on the team and, well, I just, I’ve been busy, networking and working for my future.”

“It’s just...like, do you remember when we all went to the Jaehyun’s frat party back in February? And then you kind of just...well, ditched us,” Jeno said hesitantly. “I never told you, but Donghyuck got super mad that you went off to go talk to Sicheng and Jaehyun.”

“But that’s not what Donghyuck told me!” Mark replied angrily, then regretting it when he saw Jeno flinch at his change in tone. “Sorry, sorry, I don’t mean to sound upset, I just, Donghyuck told me that night that you guys were leaving to go to another party. I thought you guys had left already.”

“No, Mark, we...we left because we weren’t really feeling it,” Jeno admitted. “We went to hang out with you. But Donghyuck said he had tried finding you but you were just hanging out with your U Team friends instead.”

Mark felt an unsettling sensation grow tight in his chest, constipating his breathing and threatening to boil up into his throat. He felt a huge breach of trust. It was one thing if Donghyuck had a problem with Mark avoiding him. It was another thing if he told the others that he was intentionally avoiding them.

“That’s not true,” Mark tried saying as evenly as he could manage. “That’s not true at all. Donghyuck ended up talking to me for half an hour and we played beer pong together. He ditched you guys, I didn’t do anything. I just...I...why is he being so self-centered?”

Immediately Mark regretted saying that. That Donghyuck was self-centered. But it was too late - the word lingered in the heavy, humid air.

“Well, it doesn’t matter if what you said happened is true or what Donghyuck said happened is true, just, we were all drinking, Renjun was really out of it and Donghyuck was really moody, it was a weird night,” Jeno sighed. “Just, Donghyuck talked with me about how you’re kind of hanging out with us less and I thought he was being a bit dramatic but...I don’t know, do you not like us?”

“What? No, of course not! Of course I like you guys!”

“Donghyuck said you think we’re not cool enough for you, is that true?” Jeno stared at him.

“What? No! I don’t care if you’re cool or whatever, that doesn’t mean anything to me! You guys call me a loser all the time, what would I know about being cool?” Mark replied anxiously. “I just like hanging out with them, but that doesn’t mean I like hanging out with them more than you guys, I just...I just, I don’t know.”

“I don’t know either, it’s just...I don’t always agree with Donghyuck, you know that,” Jeno said tensely, his body stiffening. “And I don’t believe you think that we’re not good enough for you, but you...I do notice you tend to avoid him now, so that might be why.”

“But I’m not trying to avoid him,” Mark said softly. “I don’t mean it like that.”

“But even if you don’t mean to make him feel that way, you have…”

J eno paused, hesitant to continue, and it had Mark on edge, his heart beating rapidly in his chest as he tried so, so hard to just stay calm and not lose his cool in front of Jeno.

“...Mark, I don’t want to have to pick between you and Donghyuck as my friends,” Jeno sighed again, taking another deep breath. “I just don’t want you guys to grow apart or fall out or fight and then...and then the rest of us have to pick. And yeah, Donghyuck and I are high school best friends, but that doesn’t mean I want to stop being your friend either.”

“I...what should I do?” Mark said quietly, his mind going blank. Trying not to feel anything, but the apathy just made him even more upset. “I don’t want to have a falling out with Donghyuck. I just...I’m genuinely sorry. I really haven’t been trying to avoid you guys, and I’m sorry if it came across like that.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay, I just...I’m scared to talk to Donghyuck, but I’ve never felt this way before. Why is this happening, Jeno?”

“I don’t know, but...can you please talk to him? I know you’re just trying to avoid it, and I know Jaemin jokes about how much more awkward it is when we all go out together, but I don’t think it’s a joke anymore. And it...it just makes me feel anxious whenever we’re hanging out with both of you now,” Jeno finished fearfully.

***

“I didn’t say you were self-centered,” Mark says cautiously. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

“Well you couldn’t have been clearer, Mark. Do you think I’m that much of a dumbass that I believe everything revolves around me?” Donghyuck replies icily. “Do you think I’m that fucking self-centered and absorbed?”

“No, I don’t, I–”

“Just say it, it’s fine, I don’t care, you think I’m self-centered because I want my  _ friend _ to actually talk to me and respond to my messages and communicate with me? Like friends are supposed to do? Like best friends, right?  _ We’re still best friends though, right, Haechannie? _ ” he says mockingly. “Isn’t that what you asked me two weeks ago?”

“Stop. Stop saying that, acting like we’re not best friends.”

“We might as well not be, with how selfish you’re acting,” Donghyuck snaps.

“Oh, so I’m selfish now?” Mark says annoyedly. “How am I being the selfish one, when you’re the one who can’t stop being–”

“–being what, self-centered?” Donghyuck finishes his sentence for him. “That’s what you wanted to say, right? That I’m self- _ centered _ ,” he dangerously exaggerates the word one second too long and before he knows it, something in Mark finally snaps.

***

“What’s wrong with you and Mark?” Renjun had asked Donghyuck yesterday.

“What? Nothing’s wrong with me and Mark. Everything’s fine,” he lied.

“No it’s not,” Jeno said. “You wouldn’t even talk to him yesterday at all. You were acting a little hostile towards him, Hyuck.”

“That’s not true. We talked when we were watching ‘Hercules’ last night.”

“Him asking you to pass him his phone from the table is not the same thing as you two talking to each other,” Jaemin pointed out.

“Why does that matter? It was your birthday, Jeno. It wasn’t about me.”

“It is about you because you usually talk Mark’s ear off at a party,” Renjun replied.

Donghyuck crossed his arms. “Why do I feel like I’m being interrogated here? I thought we were just getting milkshakes, not dissecting my personal life under the microscope,” he retorted.

“It’s not just your personal life when this is starting to affect all of us, Haechannie,” Jeno. said. “We’re not...dumb, you know. We see the tension between you and Mark.”

“And it’s not the sexual kind, it’s the serious kind,” Jaemin said jokingly, but it didn't lighten the air as intended, only making the mood more awkward.

“Can you guys just talk to each other?” Jeno asked.

Right, Donghyuck thought, because talking was all that they had to do to work out their problems. Talking was going to fix everything. If only he had tried that. Oh wait, he had a couple times now, and each time it did absolutely nothing. Talk was cheap.

He steeled himself, remembering to keep calm and to not raise his voice at the three of them. They were his friends, they were only trying to help.

“You don’t think I’ve tried? Guys, you know I’ve brought this up with him just as much as you guys, and every time he just...goes into this weird denial mode and just won’t open up any discussion about it,” Donghyuck says. “If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then that’s on him. It’s not my fault things are awkward now.”

“Even if it’s not your fault that he won’t talk, it’s…”

“It is your fault,” Renjun says bluntly, finishing Jeno’s sentence. “I’m not saying it’s cool that he keeps ignoring us, and especially you, but obviously you’re not being any better than him. This is a complete breakdown of communication here, Haechannie.”

No, Donghyuck thought to himself, a complete breakdown of communication was Mark ignoring him in the first place. Donghyuck was only giving him a taste of his own medicine. They didn’t understand.

It wasn’t like he wanted to feel this way about Mark. He didn’t want to feel resentful. He didn’t like feeling like that towards anyone. And it made him so upset because he didn’t know what he had done wrong, when he was the one trying everything he could to get back to that place with Mark, and it seemed like Mark didn’t care at all.

“He’s been ignoring us for three months, and now suddenly when I ignore him and just pretend he’s not there like he’s been doing, it’s a breakdown of communication?” Donghyuck said a bit too harshly. “How is this my fault when–”

“Because you guys wouldn’t talk to each other!” Renjun exclaimed. “If we could sense it yesterday at Jeno’s birthday party, then you know how bad it is. And we enjoyed yesterday, Hyuck. We really did. But we didn’t enjoy seeing two of our best friends act so cold towards each other.”

“Renjun, this isn’t–”

“No, you’re not going to talk your way out of this one,” Renjun said. “You need to fix this because we can’t keep dealing with this. Either you do, or we will.”

“But this is between just him and me!” Donghyuck protested hotly. “It doesn’t matter what you two say when this is just between the two of us! It’s a breakdown of communication between  _ us _ , not us plus you and Jeno and Jaemin!”

“That’s the problem, dude,” Jeno replied, eyes looking down at the table. “It is us. It’s not just between the two of you anymore. It’s starting to affect all of us.”

“Donghyuck,” Jaemin said seriously, “it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I can keep joking about this anymore because I’m starting to think it’s turning into a serious thing.”

That realization left an emotional knot contorting in his heart like an unexpected plot twist. It was the complete shock of it that had thrown him off guard.

Jaemin was the one to usually diffuse things with cheap jokes and witty banter. If he couldn’t even find humor in the situation anymore, then something was wrong. 

“Please be honest with us, Haechannie,” said Jeno. “Please just tell us what’s going on.”

“Because...well, is this serious?” Donghyuck asked himself out loud. “I don’t even know anymore, guys, I don’t know what happened between me and Mark and why things got all awkward. It’s just...I don’t know, I don’t know, I’m just so frustrated and tired, and I’m so sick of Mark acting like nothing’s wrong,” he finished quietly.

***

“You know what, fine, yes, you are being self-centered!” Mark almost shouts exasperatedly, anger rising in his voice. “Newsflash, Donghyuck, my life doesn’t revolve around you! I don’t have to respond to you every time you call or text me or ask me to hang out because guess what? I have a life of my own! And I’m allowed to live it without you because it’s  _ my  _ life, not yours!”

“If I’m self-centered then you’re just an inconsiderate asshole!” Donghyuck yells back, slamming his hands on the table. “You can’t just blow me off like I’m nothing! I have been so fucking patient with you and instead of having the fucking decency to text me back, you treat me like I don’t even exist! Ignore me while you post on social media that you’re hanging out with U Team instead!”

“Then that’s your problem, not mine! Get over yourself!” Mark shouts back.

“No, it is your problem! Seriously, what the fuck is your problem, Mark? You think I should just  _ get over myself  _ when you can’t even be mature and fucking text me back or talk to me? Give me a straight answer? Like I’m not your best friend?”

“You are my best–”

“Shut up! Just shut up!” Donghyuck angrily screams at Mark. “You’re not my best friend, because if you were you wouldn’t be treating me like this! You’re just a jackass, Mark Lee! A huge fucking jackass! THE BIGGEST GODDAMN JACKASS ON THE PLANET! FUCK YOU!”

“FINE, FINE! MAYBE I AM AN INCONSIDERATE JACKASS! MAYBE I AM THE BIGGEST JACKASS ON THE PLANET!” Mark screeches back at the top of his lungs. “And I’m  _ sorry. _ There. Are you happy now? Are you happy that I’m fucking apologizing again, when you refuse to apologize and say you’re sorry? Will you even say you’re sorry for being just as much of a jackass,  _ Haechannie _ ?”

If Donghyuck wasn’t so infuriated right now, he would’ve been more scared at how angry Mark is with him. He’s never seen Mark this angry before, never seen him yell, and especially yell at him. It’s frightening. It hurts, knowing Mark is so angry at him.  


But right now he’s more angry at Mark than he is scared of him, and he refuses to back down. This is the line they shouldn’t have crossed but it’s far too late to pretend that they haven’t.

“NO, BECAUSE YOU ARE A JACKASS! You’re a jackass because that’s not a real apology, and you know it!” Donghyuck screams back. “Why should I apologize to you when I know you don’t even fucking mean it at all!”

“You think I’m being insincere?” Mark yells loudly. “How can you think I’m being insincere when you don’t even care about hearing me out, you just want me to say I was wrong and you were right? That’s so fucked up because you  _ are  _ out of line and you fucking know it!”

“No, I’m not! You’ve been out of line, and I’m not putting up with it anymore! You keep pretending like nothing’s wrong and you’re doing nothing wrong and I’ve  _ had it _ , I can’t take this bullshit from you,” his voice almost cracks but he refuses,  _ refuses  _ to break in front of Mark. He refuses to let Mark see him vulnerable. Not after all the shit he’s had to put up with the past three months. Not after Mark has ignored him for so long and now suddenly cares. He  _ refuses _ .

“You know what? Fine, maybe I have been an asshole for not texting you back all the time, because I don’t want to hurt your stupidly fragile feelings whenever I want to hang out with other fucking people,” Mark spits out venomously, almost like it’s poisonous, talking about Donghyuck.

It’s just the tiniest of inconsequential pauses between what he said before and what he consequently says after.

“But maybe that’s because I needed a goddamn break from being your best friend, because it’s exhausting having to second-guess everything I say just to try and please you.”

***

“Hey, can I talk to you about something?” Donghyuck asked Jeno cautiously.

“What is it?” Jeno said as he lay down next to Donghyuck in his bed, trying to fall asleep. “What’s on your mind?”

“It’s...it’s about Mark.”

Jeno glanced at him with a guarded and cautious look in his eyes. “Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Is everything okay with you and Mark?”

“Honestly...no,” Donghyuck sighed. “He keeps blowing me off for no reason. Ever since he became friends with the U Team and started getting closer to them, and started going to Jaehyun’s frat parties, and hanging out more with…” 

He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. Because that would mean acknowledging that he was hurt by Mark. And that, he couldn’t do. 

Because that would require him to really, really assess how he truly felt about Mark. And Donghyuck was too scared to figure out what the truth would be.

“...he’s been getting more distant,” Donghyuck continued. “I don’t get to see him much. He doesn’t respond to my calls, or my texts, prefers to just talk to me ‘in person’, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean,” Donghyuck mumbled into the sleeve of Jeno’s hoodie. Jeno pet his head softly, carding his fingers through Donghyuck’s hair.

“I get it, Hyuckie, I really do,” Jeno nodded sympathetically, understandingly. “We’ve all seen how much Mark likes hanging out with the U Team members, and how good of friends he is with them. But maybe...maybe we shouldn’t take it so personally,” Jeno finishes.

“Yeah but it’s so hard,” Donghyuck’s voice cracked, chest growing tighter the longer they talked about this. He was supposed to be helping Jeno fall asleep, but honestly he just wanted Jeno here to comfort him, even if he knew how selfish he was by wanting that. 

“It’s so hard, when he was the first friend I made the summer before we all started college. We’re so close, Jeno. And now I feel like we’re just becoming even worse than when we first met each other.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Jeno comforted him, soothing the searing pain in his chest with a sense of serenity. “It’s hard to see your best friend grow apart from you. I get it. Sometimes… sometimes I worry that’s how I’ll be one day with you guys. It’s dumb, I know, but sometimes I’m scared that we’ll resent each other for being closer to people that aren’t us,” Jeno confessed.

“But that’s different,” Donghyuck whimpered. “I’ve known you since high school. It’s not going to change no matter what because we know each other. But Mark...I thought Mark would be that way,” Donghyuck choked out, tears welling up in his eyes. 

“Why do you think it’s not that way?”

“Because...because I thought he would always be our best friend. But he’s grown so distant lately and likes hanging out with the U Team guys more...I feel like, it’s stupid, but I feel like we’re being replaced,” he said as tears started welling in his eyes, trying to hold them back.

“Are you just scared of things changing?” Jeno asked.

“Yes,” he replied in a small voice.

“Sometimes we just have to accept change,” Jeno said, hugging Donghyuck closer to his body. “Sometimes we have to let people change, otherwise they’ll resent us for never letting them free.”

Donghyuck sniffled. “That’s sounds so fucking fake poetic and fake deep, I hate it,” he sulkily mumbled. “But maybe you’re right, I don’t know…I don’t care, I hate that Mark has changed. That he likes his new friends and we’re being left behind. I’m being left behind.”

It was petulant, possessive and immature. Donghyuck knew this. He knew that people changed in college, they’re all at an age where they’re discovering themselves, becoming new people, shedding old friends and finding new ones, switching majors, trying things they never had before, taking shots and not knowing if they’ll hit or miss, taking massive leaps of faith every day.

But this wasn’t change. This was an absolute nightmare, a disaster of emotions that he wished he didn’t have but he does, they’re stuck to him, and he was stuck feeling this way about Mark.

“Why do you hate that things changed?’ Jeno asked softly.

“Because...because I hate that I’m not his best friend anymore,” he confessed. “I hate that I’m not someone he trusts anymore. That he’s closest to anymore. I’m being replaced, I’m just nothing compared to the friends he has on the U Team now.”

Jeno stayed silent.

Fuck it. It’s not like he’ll ever be this emotionally vulnerable with Jeno again.

“I think I like him too much, Jeno. It’s stupid to feel jealous, I know he’s still my friend, but I think it’s starting to ruin our friendship. I don’t know if it’s healthy,” Donghyuck sobbed. “I just...I just want him to trust me more–I mean, I...I–I don’t know, I–”

“Hey, don’t worry too much about that, it’s okay,” Jeno interrupted, not to cut him off, but to soothe his fears and affirm his support. “We will always be your friends, no matter what. And so will Mark. Please don’t forget that, Hyuck. But I think you should talk to him about this. Honestly. Because it’s not good for you to keep bottling your feelings inside and not tell him.”

“I’m just...I’m so sad, I hate feeling like this, I don’t know what to do. And I feel like any time I want to have a serious talk with him, he just blows me off.”

“You have to be honest, Hyuckie. You have to just tell him how you feel.”

“Easier said than done,” Donghyuck responded bitterly. “I’ve already tried and he just avoids talking to me whenever I do.”

Jeno didn’t know what to say to that.

***

“A break, a break?!” Donghyuck shrieks, infuriated that Mark would even think that was the right thing to say. That he would even try to run away from this, like he ran away from everything. He refused. He refused to let Mark be right when Mark had done him so, so wrong. 

“Do you know how fucking ridiculous you sound? As if you haven’t been acting like our friendship hasn’t been on a break for the past three months? What have I done wrong? I have been  _ trying  _ so, so hard, and you just treat me like absolute shit! Like our friendship means nothing to you!” Donghyuck shouts.

“It does mean something–”

“No it doesn’t, because your just ignore me like you don’t even know me! And it’s not just me you’re an asshole to, it’s to everyone else, Mark!” he almost chokes on a sob but he still refuses to break in front of him. He still refuses to let himself shed tears in front of Mark, who is the absolute last person on the planet Donghyuck wants any pity from.

“You ignore me, Jaemin, Jeno, Renjun, everyone!” Donghyuck shouts angrily. “Do you know how long we’ve tried bringing this up? And every time you ignore us? You act like you don’t even know us anymore!”

***

“Hey, Mark? Can we talk?” Donghyuck asked.

Mark looked up from his laptop at the kitchen table. “Sure, what’s up?”

Donghyuck took a deep breath. He had practiced various scenarios with Jaemin on what to say, how to respond to what Mark would possibly say back, and had thought deep and hard about making sure to try to explain how he felt as clearly as possible.

“Lately, I just feel like you’ve been ignoring, or, I don’t know, you’ve just been avoiding me,” Donghyuck said. “I feel like you don’t want to hang out with me anymore.”

“What? That’s crazy! Why would you think that?” Mark looked back at him, actually laughing a bit, as if he found the whole notion ridiculous. “We’re best friends!”

It wasn’t ridiculous to Donghyuck.

Mark, I’m trying to be serious here,” Donghyuck replied. “Are you avoiding me?”

“No, Donghyuck! I’m just busy, that’s all.”

“Oh.”

_ I’m busy too _ , he wanted to say, but he thought it wasn’t the right thing to say.

“So, you’re just busy?” Donghyuck asked him. “Because you keep ignoring my texts.”

“Well, yeah, you know, U Team commitments, and then I have a lot of upper div classes this semester, and you know I’m trying to apply to a bunch of summer jobs and internships right now, so I’m in the midst of all that,” Mark replied. 

“I know that. I just feel like you don’t want to hang out anymore? I feel like you’ve been super distant lately. Did I do something wrong?”

“What? No, you’re not doing anything wrong,” Mark smiled back, but Donghyuck was unsure whether that smile meant anything. “I’ve just been really busy, sorry. I don’t really respond to texts that much anymore.”

“But why have you been so flaky lately?”

“Donghyuck, I’ve been like that with everyone.”

“You have?”

“Well, yeah.”

  
“But you’re going to hang out with the U Team guys tonight,” he said quietly.

“What? Oh, no, that’s just because we have practice tonight,” Mark waved off his concerns. “We’re just gonna hang out afterwards because that’s what we usually do.”

“But you just said you were flaky with everyone.”

“I meant in this apartment, dude. I’ve been so busy that I don’t have time to see you guys as much, you included,” Mark replied. “I only see my U Team friends because we have practice together.”

“Oh.”

Donghyuck was unsure of what to say. He had gone through all the different scenarios, of Mark being upset at him bringing it up, at Mark denying anything, but he hadn’t been prepared for this with Jaemin, so now he felt like he was charting into unknown territory. He didn’t know what to say, because now he was afraid he would mess it up and say the wrong thing.

“Can you, uh...maybe hang out with us instead of them after practice sometime?”

For the first time, Mark looked genuinely confused. “What do you mean?”

“I just mean that instead of hanging out with them after practice, you hang out with us?” Donghyuck asked with a twinge of uncertainty. “We can get dinner after your practice sometime?”

“Oh, come on, Hyuck, you know that’s a bit much,” Mark laughed. “It’s just natural that we hang out afterwards, because we’re all on a dance team and we practice together, that’s all.”

“Well, could you also hang out with the people who live with you?”

“Aren’t we hanging out right now?”

“No, Mark, that’s not what I meant–”

Mark’s phone suddenly buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket. “Hey, sorry, this is Jaehyun, I gotta take this,” he told Donghyuck.

“Okay.”

After answering the call, Donghyuck listened to Mark talk with Jaehyun on the phone for thirty seconds or so, and then suddenly Mark closed his laptop and stood up, putting on his coat. Donghyuck felt very confused.

“Okay, yeah, see you outside dude!” Mark said as he hung up the phone.

He hadn’t felt this awkward with Mark in a long time.

“Where are you going?”

“Oh, me and some of the U Team guys are going to get a quick snack before practice!” Mark practically beamed at him. “There’s this new boba place that opened up and we’re gonna go check it out right now.”

“Wait, but I thought you were busy before practice today and that’s why you couldn’t hang out?” Donghyuck asked, feeling extremely stupid right now.

“Oh, no, I’m usually busy! I go with Sicheng and Doyoung to study for our business class together, since we all end class at the same time. But I came back here to eat beforehand.”

“Oh.”

When Donghyuck got out of class earlier today, he had asked Mark if he wanted to study with him, and Mark texted back that he’d been busy.

“Yeah. Hey, I’ll see you later!” Mark called back as he strolled out of the apartment.

“Okay, sorry, yeah, I’ll see you–” 

But Mark had already gone out the door.

***

“That’s not fair,” Mark says, dangerously quiet, almost too quiet, a preternatural calm suffocating the air around him. “You know how much I care about you guys. You know how special I think you guys are. Don’t you dare,” Mark seethes, infuriated, aiming an accusatory finger at him, “don’t you dare suggest that I ever stopped caring about our friendship. You’re out of line, Donghyuck.”

“Oh, I’m out of line? I’m not the one pretending like everything’s been okay for the past three months when it’s not because you’ve been–”

“Yes, you have been out of line!” Mark cuts him off. “You’ve been out of line ever since you told them that I care more about my U Team friends than I do about any of you. Do you know how much that sucked, having Jeno ask me if we’re all still best friends?”

“Don’t pretend like you care about that, when you didn’t even consider how any of us felt until Jeno told you that,” Donghyuck says lividly. “Don’t you dare act like you cared when you just said I’m being self-centered for wanting to talk to you.” 

“Because you’re not being reasonable–”

“What, what’s not reasonable, Mark? Is it not reasonable to think you’re replacing us for your cooler dance team fuckboy frat friends that–”

“I don’t fucking care how cool they are!” Mark replies furiously. “I never have. I care about my U Team friends and I care about everyone who lives in this apartment, and I care about you. And it hurts so much that you think I wouldn’t. It hurts so much, Hyuck, how you keep going behind my back and telling everyone I don’t.”

“Really? Really?!” Donghyuck sneers resentfully. “Well that’s just  _ rich _ coming from you, Mark, because it’s not just me, we’ve  _ all  _ talked about how much you act like you don’t care. How much you blow off hanging out with us to get boba with the U Team guys, or get dinner with them and forgetting first Friday, or ditching us at a party.”

“That’s not fair, and you know it,” Mark says angrily. “You got lunch with your 127 Team multiple times and posted about them on SNS last semester, and none of us had a problem with it. But suddenly I do it with U Team and now I’m the bad guy?” 

“Because the difference is I never ignored or forgot about you guys! I never, ever treated you guys like you weren’t good enough for me. And I especially did not just  _ love  _ to talk about Doyoung, or Jaehyun, or Sicheng, or Taeyong, or how cool they are.”

“Stop it, Donghyuck–”

“No I’m not going to stop, becuase you are so fucking far up all their asses, every time Jaemin and Jeno and Renjun go to one of their frat parties and you invite them because you say you want to hang out with them but–”

“Stop it!” Mark scowls rancorously, “just stop it. Stop making this about them. Stop being so fucking self-centered. This isn’t about them. This is about you.”

One shot, right into the pit of his stomach.

“It’s always been about you being fucking insecure. You’re the one who told them I was avoiding them at the party, not me. And any time I try bringing up how you’re not being any better, you just don’t even care what I have to say, you just think I’m always wrong, all the fucking time. And I’m fucking sick and tired of it.”

Two shots, straight through the breath in his lungs.

“Shut up, Mark. Shut the fuck up. You are wrong. I can’t believe this–”

“No, I’m not going to just shut the fuck up! I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep letting you decide when I’m your friend and when I’m your enemy,” Mark says bitterly. “You’re your own enemy, not me. Because you have a sick idea of friendship if you think  _ this _ , this is us being best friends. I can’t believe I thought you were actually a good person.” 

Three shots, dead centered at the beating of his heart.

“Just shut up, right now, before you say something you regret,” Donghyuck says hatefully, rage clouding his vision. “Shut up or you’re going to regret it.”

“No, you can’t just tell me to shut up! I’m not just going to let you walk all over me,” Mark glares back at him resentfully. “You think everybody loves you and wants to be friends with you and you’re never wrong, but in reality you are so fucking  _ awful _ . And I’ve only figured that out now, because I’ve wasted so much time with you. You’re just a mean, toxic person, Donghyuck.” 

Something starts breaking inside him.

Donghyuck almost punches Mark in the face for calling him that. He has never felt so furious and angry before. In that single sliver of a moment, he hates Mark so much that he almost does it. He can feel his body almost lurch forward and smash his fist into the right side of Mark’s face. He imagines almost punching him in the face so he never has to hear him speak again, never has to talk to him again, never has to think of him again, never has to be with him again.

Almost.

***

Jaemin is terrified.

Mark and Donghyuck don’t know they’re home, the three of them trapped in Jaemin’s room. After spending an hour going over the sublease, signing it, and then coming up with the room and food situation for the apartment down in Santa Monica, they’d all felt mentally exhausted. 

Jaemin had a History midterm that morning and his hand was cramped from writing seven pages in an hour, espresso running through his veins the entire test period. Renjun had a presentation he’d spent all night practicing for, and Jeno had a four-hour lab, and after each of their stressful, busy days they had wanted nothing more than to unwind by watching Princess Mononoke on Renjun’s iPad.

And it had been nice to just relax, watch a movie mindlessly, rest his head on Jeno’s shoulders while Renjun slept on his lap. It felt like a dream, as he drifted off into sleep about thirty minutes in. He hadn’t felt so blissful in a while and was glad, just happy that the three of them had finally gotten to unwind.

Jaemin was the second to wake up to the nightmare of raised voices from beyond their room door. He was tired, at first, and thought the movie was still playing, but as soon as he heard Mark say in a spiteful voice–

“–and Jaehyun instead of you? Is it that big of a deal–”

– through the door, he knew something was wrong. 

He looked to see that Renjun had already been awake, looking back at him with wide eyes. 

The three of them had joked amongst themselves about Mark and Donghyuck fighting before. Jeno would be Team Hyuck, Jaemin would be Team Mark, and Renjun would be a neutral third party in between. They joked because they didn’t want it to be serious, like it is now.

Jaemin had thought it was just the two of them being overdramatic like they sometimes were when they had a petty argument. Like the time Mark was mad at Donghyuck after he had pranked him into eating a chocolate cake with ketchup frosting. Or that one time when Donghyuck wouldn’t talk to Mark for four days straight, because Mark had told Donghyuck that he’d never make a career out of playing Overwatch competitively.

Even when they had talked about it yesterday, Jaemin hadn’t thought of it as serious. He thought of it as something Mark and Donghyukc would just need to take some time talking about, and then they’d clear up the issue and everything would go back to normal.

He never thought any of them would fight this badly. It’s so scary, hearing Mark and Donghyuck talk like that to each other beyond the door. So heated and hateful, full of fury, mirthed with misunderstandings and bruised feelings of unsaid anger. He never thought it was going to be this serious.

He hates this. It reminds him of when he was little and his parents would shout at each other downstairs while he cried himself to sleep at night, fearful of their wrath towards each other.

He hates how Mark and Donghyuck fighting right now reminds him of that.

***

Jeno is jolted awake after Donghyuck slams his hands on the table. Startled awake by the angry sounds of acrimonious argument coming from the kitchen, Jaemin puts his index finger to his lips and stares at Jeno stonily so he understands to be quiet, to not do anything.

They’re practically screaming at each other, and briefly, in the back of Jaemin’s mind, he thinks the neighbors in their apartment might file a noise complaint. Then he dismisses that from his mind because he doesn’t care anymore how many noise complaints they get. It’s trivial at this point. It doesn’t matter.

What does matter is how resentful Mark and Donghyuck sound towards each other. What he does care about is how much this is affecting all of them.

Jaemin hates how Renjun is crying because he knows out of all of them, Renjun takes arguments and bumps and rocky parts of their friendships the most seriously. That he will end up feeling guilty about this because he was the one to tell them to talk it out, and he'll probably think that this is entirely his fault, beat himself over something because he thought it was his entire responsibility.  


Jaemin hates how they’ve woken Jeno up and now Jeno looks so downcast and motionless. Looks so forlorn, empty, as if trying to stop his brain from processing anything. Apathetic, empty, the complete opposite of who Jeno was, is, as a person. How Jeno looks so dead in his eyes, when usually they were full of hopeful light.  


But most of all, Jaemin hates how he feels so powerless in this situation. How he feels like they’re all trapped behind this door, in this apartment, because they’re all too scared of Mark and Donghyuck right now. That he can’t just open it, crack a joke or two, say something comical, and diffuse the situation and everything goes back to normal. It’s like he’s seven again, pretending to be asleep in his bed, like he can’t hear his parents downstairs yelling at each other. 

He hates how scared they all are. Jaemin hates that he’s so scared of his friends right now.

He’s terrified of the possibility that he doesn’t even know who Mark and Donghyuck are anymore. That he won’t recognize them when they finally have to open the door.

* * *

** _I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all_ ** ****

9 PM. Cafe with lots of people but noise is ambient. Slow song, it’s ‘Lover’ by Taylor Swift. Playing over as they wait for their food to come to the table.

Mark’s come back to LA. It was nice, Donghyuck thinks, to have Mark back in town, even if it is only for a couple of brief days.

He had moved to New York to continue working at the company he interned for after he graduated last winter, and to be closer to home. It was hard, sometimes, not being able to see him.

But they always managed to keep in touch. It was hard, resisting Mark, who drew him in like gravity. It was magnetic.

Of course, there are still his friends back here. He loved all of them. He had never felt as close to anyone in his life as he did to Renjun and Jeno and Jaemin. Chenle and Jisung too, surprisingly – he hadn’t expected to be such close friends with underclassmen so late in his college career.

They’re more than just his friends. They’re his family. 

But with Mark...it wasn’t just that. Something felt different.

And not necessarily in a bad way.

It felt...like he wanted more of it.

That feeling.

It felt like honey. Sweet, sticky, and tacky. Clinging to Donghyuck’s heart ever since Mark had left. Even though he was in New York, across the country, far and away from him, he still thought of Mark all the time, making sure to call or text him whenever he could.

He’d been through a lot of firsts with Mark. His first music class. His first apartment roommate. His first best friend from Canada. And his first large, serious fight.

He’s known Mark for more than three summers now, and he wants them all. He wants all those firsts with Mark, and only Mark. And it scares him.

It scares him how Mark is the first person he’s loved this much.

It scares him to think about the fact that maybe, just maybe, he might not just be falling in love with Mark.

That he is, without a doubt, in love with Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll find out what the aftermath of their fight is in the next chapter. Again, next chapter will be pretty emotionally heavy, just a warning.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! And thanks for keeping along with this fic. Hope you've enjoyed the story so far!
> 
> As always, feel free to talk to me/ask me about Lover on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues) or [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues)! Until then, see you next week!
> 
> Also, ANNOUNCEMENT: because I know emotionally heavy stuff can be hard to read, and there's still more to come, as a sorta "lighthearted break" after Chapter 5 next week, next next Thurdsay (two Thursdays from now) I'll be publishing a one-shot special based on how they all spent their very first American Thanksgiving together :-) Fun, silly shenanigans to ensue. Hope you look forward to it!


	5. All Too Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark says nothing, just moves to sit at the kitchen table, still silent.
> 
> “Can you please talk to me? Am I not even good enough for that?”
> 
> Mark says nothing.
> 
> “You can’t keep ignoring me, Mark. Please. Please, I’m sorry, just talk to me.”
> 
> Mark says nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Donghyuck are there again, before they lose the one real thing they've known, it was rare, they remember it all too well.
> 
> Disclaimer: this is a pretty emotionally heavy chapter. It's not a super fluffy read – it's fairly angsty, and even I'll admit that this was really hard to write at points. I'm sure by the title of this chapter, you can tell this won't have a very heartwarming tone (it will probably be the opposite of that).

** _Can I go where you go?_ **

Almost.

He almost punches Mark for saying those awful, awful words to him.

But Donghyuck doesn’t punch Mark. Instead, he just feels like punching himself. He feels defeated, and lost, and alone. And that’s the worst part, because he feels like Mark isn’t there anymore, just a stranger in his kitchen. And Donghyuck doesn’t know who this is, how he got here in their apartment, standing across from him.

“You know what, I could punch you in the fucking face for saying that, but I’m not going to,” Donghyuck exhales exaustedly, the will to fight starting to drain out of him. Because it’s too much. It hurts too much, what Mark said. “I’m not going to because I’m sick of this. I’m so sick of feeling like this. I’m so tired of arguing with you, Mark.”

Mark says nothing. He doesn’t even look him in the eyes. Donghyuck can’t keep pretending like he doesn’t feel like crying, only because he refuses to break down in front of Mark.

“I’m tired, I’m tired of fighting about this and being upset about it. I’m tired of pretending that you’re still my best friend.”

Mark says nothing, just looks off somewhere else.

“I’m tired, I’m sick and tired of feeling like shit every time I see you or talk to you, feeling like I don’t even know you anymore,” Donghyuck starts crying, and he can’t control it anymore, he can’t refuse this part of himself anymore, tears spilling over. “I can’t fight you about this anymore, not if you’re going to be this awful about it.”

Mark says nothing. He stands completely still, unmoving.

“I’m trying, Mark, I’m trying so hard to be a good friend, to be your best friend, do you know how much it hurts, how much it fucking _ hurts _that you think I’m being toxic to you?” Donghyuck sobs shakily. “That you think I’m a toxic friend? That I’m an awful friend?”

Mark says nothing.

“Do you know how much I care about you? How much I care about my friends? About you?” he gasps out, a choked cry stifled in his throat, tightening around his chest, cutting off his air, and he feels like he can’t breathe and his whole body is collapsing in on itself.

Mark says nothing.

“I’ve been trying so hard to get through to you, Mark. And I know I’m not perfect. I know I’ve made mistakes. I know you have other friends, I’m not an idiot. I have other friends besides you too, you don’t think I get it?”

Mark says nothing.

“I care about you so much, Mark. And you say we’re still friends but you don’t even act like you care. Just, fucking hell, Mark, if you would just _ talk _to me instead of ignoring me, like you’re still doing right now–” he holds back another sob, wiping the tears out of his eyes, his vision blurring, entire body shivering and shaking involuntarily.

“I do care about you,” Mark says quietly, breaking the spell of silence. “I care about our friendship. I care about being–”

“No, I, no, you–you can’t, you don’t get to say that, I’m not–I’m not the one that keeps avoiding his best friend,” Donghyuck breathes out angrily, “I’m not the one who keeps ignoring his best friend because he doesn’t want to talk to him.”

Mark says nothing in response, only looks at the ground stonily.

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. Is that what you wanted to hear? I’m _ sorry _.”

Mark says nothing. He only clenches his fists tightly.

“What, can’t you say anything? Are you just going to go back to ignoring me?”

Mark says nothing, just moves to sit at the kitchen table, still silent.

“Can you please talk to me? Am I not even good enough for that?”

Mark says nothing.

“You can’t keep ignoring me, Mark. Please. Please, I’m sorry, just talk to me.”

Mark says nothing.

***

“Hey, Hyuckie, I’m gonna go grab some–whoa, are you okay?” Renjun said.

“What?” Donghyuck looked up from his phone.

“Are you okay, dude?” Renjun asked him again. “You look like you’re about to cry.”

“What? No, no, it’s nothing, nothing,” Donghyuck quipped defensively.

“Hyuck, what’s wrong?” Renjun said.

"What do you mean? I feel fine!” Donghyuck replied, smiling back at him. “See?”

“Stop lying to me,” Renjun looked at him dead in the eye. “You can lie to Jaemin and Jeno and they’ll believe you or just play it off, but I’m not them. So just tell me what happened.”

“Nothing.”

“Donghyuck, it’s not nothing, otherwise you would just tell me and you wouldn’t look so upset,” Renjun replied. “What is this about?”

Donghyuck had nothing to say in response. He knew what it was about but didn’t want to talk about it with Renjun, because actually thinking about why he was so upset at the moment just made him feel like crap.

“Is it about Jeno?”

Donghyuck said nothing.

“Is it about me?”

Donghyuck said nothing.

“Is it about Jaemin?”

Donghyuck said nothing.

“Is it about Hyunjin? Jaehyun?”

Donghyuck said nothing.

“Heejin? Johnny? Some other friend or person I don’t know?”

“Work? Parents? Siblings? Midterms?”

Donghyuck said nothing.

Renjun looked reluctant to ask the last question before he did.

“Is it about Mark?” 

Mark.

Hearing that name just hurt Donghyuck even more.

It was the first Friday of March. On each first Friday of the month, him and Mark would go grab dinner at this old hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant near downtown. Haechan would drive, Mark would grab some pork tacos and he’d get a chicken enchilada, they’d chat about their lives, and then afterwards probably go walk around downtown or go somewhere else, like the shopping centre or the ice cream place down in Koreatown.

It was a tradition him and Mark had made after they had gotten dinner together one time after their summer music class and fifteen minutes spent exploring Yelp reviews, and his cousin Taeil offered to drive both him and Mark for free instead of having them take an Uber. 

Slowly it had become a habit since then after Taeil had sold him his car, and when they had to skip it was usually because one of them couldn’t make it, due to a midterm or a project or a schedule conflict in general. But they always tried to make time for it because they really enjoyed the food, and each other’s company.

Or at least, they used to.

“He forgot,” Donghyuck said miserably.

“What did Mark forget?” Renjun asked, looking at him apprehensively.

“Do you know how me and Mark always get dinner on the first Friday of the month?” Donghyuck started to explain, even though it pained him to say this to Renjun.

“Yeah, you guys go get Mexican food, right? Unless something comes up, why, is Mark busy tonight or something?” Renjun asked.

“No, he just...he forgot, and he finally responded to my texts this week but he just texted me really quick saying he’s sorry and we can just do it next first Friday,” Donghyuck said sadly.

“I’m confused, why are you sad about this?” Renjun replied. “You’ll just get dinner with him next month, right? Or you can just hang out with him some other time.”

“This is different, Injunnie,” Donghyuck said sadly. “We only miss it if it’s for a good reason. But even though he forgot, he can’t do it because he has other plans already.”

Renjun raised an eyebrow at him. “Who does he have plans with already?”

“He already had plans with his U Team friends instead of getting dinner with me,” Donghyuck winced, his chest seizing up tightly. “He forgot about our first Friday pact and made dinner plans with U Team to get food tonight.”

“Oh.”

Donghyuck didn’t know why it felt so awful, and he really did try to be sympathetic, think of an explanation for Mark. But this was something they did every first Friday, and he had even texted Mark about it a couple days ago telling him how excited he was to go back down and get chicken enchiladas. But all he had gotten back was a text from Mark that said “sorry dude I totally forgot! Can’t tonight, busy :( next time“.

It wasn’t until he had been scrolling through Instagram and checked Jaehyun’s story that he had seen Mark was instead getting dinner with his U Team dance crew. It was only a brief ten second clip, but he could recognize Mark in his Adidas snapback. Mark had forgotten about him, and had decided to hang out with them instead. 

“I saw it on Jaehyun’s story...he posted him getting hotpot with his friends and Mark was there with them.”

Renjun was a little lost for words.

“I’m sorry, Hyuckie.”

"Don’t be,” Donghyuck sighed. “I just...it’s not your fault, it’s mine, for expecting us to get dinner when we never made official plans and I forgot to remind him.”

“But that’s still not right,” Renjun said. “It’s not fair that he chose to hang out with other people if he knows how much this means to you, if you guys have done this every first Friday, and if you talked about it a couple days ago.”

“I know,” Donghyuck said sadly. 

“Hyuck...I think you should call him out on that,” Renjun said. “Jeno told me about how he forgot about the plans you guys made last week too. Do you want me to call him out on that? I can if you want me to.”

“No, no, please, don’t,” Donghyuck waved his hands hastily. “Don’t, it’ll just make things worse. He always just avoids it when I tried talking about this before, it’s just...it gets weird, whenever I try to bring this up with him.”

“But this isn’t fair to you,” Renjun responded. “Seriously, that pisses me off so much. I’m not talking to him until he apologizes to you, that’s messed up.”

“No, it’s just, I just...it’s just complicated,” Donghyuck sighed. “Please, just don’t say anything. Please don’t tell Mark anything or that I’m upset about it. I’ll just get over it.”

That was a lie and both him and Renjun knew it.

“Hyuck…”

“I’m serious, Renjun, I’ll be fine,” Donghyuck tried allaying Renjun’s concerns. “It’s not a problem. I’m just gonna eat leftovers or something.”

“But I...well, actually, I was going to ask you if you wanted to grab some food,” Renjun said gently. “I figured I would check to see if you were home but...if you’re not in the mood, you know, I can just get you takeout or something.”

“No, it’s okay, I don’t know want to go out tonight,” Donghyuck replied softly. “I think I just want to stay here and eat leftovers.”

Renjun didn’t want to leave Donghyuck home alone when he saw how badly he was handling this, so he made a snap decision.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Renjun told him. “Actually, I’ll just get us a pizza from the place near the bakery, I was probably gonna bring it back home anyways. I can get you something too, and we can just watch a movie or something.”

Donghyuck seemed to perk up a bit at that. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, no, I was just gonna eat in my room anyways, don’t worry about it,” Renjun replied reassuringly. “We can also watch a movie on Netflix or something, if you want.”

“Are you sure?” Donghyuck said. “I thought you made plans tonight.” 

“Nah,” Renjun lied easily. “I was just gonna have a quiet night in my room, but I’ll get you some food too, and then we can watch a movie or some episodes of Adventure Time, if you want!”

The faint smile on Donghyuck’s face was enough for Renjun to know he had made the right choice. “Thanks, Injunnie,” he said warmly. “Can you get margherita, please?”

"Okay,” Renjun smiled back. “I’ll go get us a margherita.”

After closing the door, Renjun texted Dejun that he couldn’t go out with him and Hendery with the rest of their friends tonight, because he needed to stay in to take care of a friend who was feeling really sick.

It wasn’t a total lie. He did need to be there for a friend tonight. But maybe taking care of a sick friend was a lot better than the truth.

That Donghyuck and Mark’s friendship was starting to deteriorate.

And Renjun had no idea what to do at the moment but try and comfort Hyuck.

It felt like a dam that was going to break, but he wasn’t going to let it, just yet. He knew it was going to overflow at any minute and just needed to wait until Renjun left. He listened carefully, until he heard the apartment door open and close and the clack of the door locking, and then the tears began falling into his pillow.

Donghyuck hated feeling like this. Alone, confused, and upset. It made him feel like he was being emotional for no reason. But being alone in his apartment, with no plans on Friday night because he had expected Mark to be there, hurt more than Mark would ever know.

Because this was now the fourth time Mark had cancelled on him for something they had said they would do but Mark had forgotten and made other plans, and Donghyuck was starting to feel it weigh down on him. He didn’t know how to make things better. 

He didn’t know why things had ended up this way.

***

“Please, Mark, say something!” Donghyuck almost yells, unsettling anger rising in his chest again, grabbing onto Mark’s shoulders in a desperate attempt to get him to speak. 

Mark says nothing.

“Please, Mark, say something!” he cries again as he grips Mark’s shoulders even tighter. But Mark still says nothing, refuses to even look him in the eye. 

“I was stupid, okay?” 

Mark says nothing.

“Mark, I’m sorry, can you just please–”

“No, Hyuck!” Mark shouts as he stands up from the chair and shoves his hands away. Donghyuck looks back in shock as he sees Mark distraught, sees him holding back tears. And it takes all of his willpower to not fall over and keel. It’s instantaneous, how horrible it makes him feel, seeing Mark so upset. 

“I know shouldn’t have said..I shouldn’t have called you toxic and awful. I know you’re a good friend. I’m sorry. But you...you can’t do this,” Mark struggles, visibly distressed and miserable and, worst of all, heartbroken. “You can’t just–you can’t just yell at me and call me a jackass and then say you’re sorry, and that makes it all better. You just– you can’t!”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” Donghyuck replies weakly, voice wavering.

“Don’t! Don’t, please don’t, Hyuck,” Mark’s voice cracks, and it’s tearing Donghyuck apart, ripping his heart into millions of pieces, shattering his entire person to hear Mark sound so anguished, broken, disconsolate. “You can’t do this. It’s not the same. Everything is...it’s not the same.”

“I...I’m sorry,” Donghyuck is almost crying again. “Please, Mark, please, I’m still the same. I’m still the same person you met in summer music class. I’m still the same friend you’d get tacos with on first Fridays.”

“No you’re not, because I thought you would never, ever treat me like this,” Mark breathes, slowly, painfully, blinking back tears. “Even when you call me names, when you play jokes on me, when you get mad at me, I knew it was never because you hated me. And now, just…”

“I don’t,” Donghyuck cries. “I don’t, please, Mark, I never hated you, I’m sorry.”

“No! No, Donghyuck, no, you can’t...you can’t...you don’t even know how much it hurts, hearing you say I’m a horrible friend, telling me and them that I don’t care,” he struggles to finish. 

“Please...please, Mark, I’m so sorry,” Donghyuck slumps back into the wall, trying to support himself, his legs dangerously close to caving away as he leans over, his legs can’t stop shaking, he’s almost close to falling on his knees. “I’m sorry, Mark, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry that I–”

“It do-doesn’t matter how many times you say you’re sorry, I...I can’t just pretend that’ll make everything okay and we pretend nothing happened,” Mark chokes up as he breathes louder, sharper, each one sounding more painful.

***

“Hey, can we talk?” Donghyuck asked him one afternoon, two weeks ago.

Mark, a bit puzzled by his tone, looked up from his theory homework. “Sure, what’s up?”

“Why are you ignoring me and acting like you’re not?”

It caught Mark like a deer in headlights. 

If Mark was being honest with himself, he had been avoiding Donghyuck lately. He was avoiding him because Mark could tell that he was growing resentful. Resentful that he had joined an SM Team the semester Donghyuck had taken a break from SM. 

It was an unwritten rule between Mark and Donghyuck that they are best friends, best friends who do almost everything together, and nothing was going to come between that. 

And Mark still believed that. He still believed that nothing could ever come between them. They were best friends, through thick and thin. He couldn’t imagine his life without Donghyuck.

But was it unfair of Mark to want to have other friends too? He loved hanging out with Doyoung and Taeyong, going to Jaehyun’s frat parties, the late nights spent talking about whatever was on their minds until 3 AM. He loved dancing with them, and getting closer with Jungwoo and Yukhei again after they both made it on the U Team this semester. He loved the late-night meals in dingy diners or rundown restaurants, getting cold sandwiches and stale chips with everyone else.

And he was allowed to have more than one set of friends, right? Jeno, Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jaemin all had friends outside their apartment. So he could too, right?

_ You can have both _, Yeri had told him when he confessed he was moving out. 

So why did he feel like he couldn't?

“I’m not avoiding you, Donghyuck, I’m just...busy,” Mark worded carefully, unsure of how Donghyuck would interpret what he would say. “It’s just, team practices, and this semester is tough, and y’know, I’m trying to finish all my class requirements, while applying for summer jobs and internships…”

He knew they were excuses. But they weren’t lies. Mark was busy and he couldn’t overwork himself to the bone. And yeah, maybe he did find himself hanging out with the U Team guys more, but it wasn’t because he thought they were cooler or better, or that he’d stopped caring about Donghyuck and Jeno and Renjun and Jaemin. It was far from that.

He couldn’t ask Jeno to edit his resume and give him networking advice like he could with Jaehyun, who screened applications as a member of his business club’s board. He couldn’t talk to Jaemin about his future and where he wanted to go like he could with Doyoung, who had a six-figure salary job lined up after he graduated.

He couldn’t get advice about working at a company as an international student with Donghyuck like he could with Sicheng, who already knew how the visa process and paperwork went. And he couldn’t get advice on his classes or his coursework with Renjun like he could with Taeyong, who was going to graduate with honors and a senior thesis. 

He’d tried explaining this to Donghyuck before. But it was so difficult, sometimes, when he could get really sensitive about the topic, and it was so difficult to deal with Donghyuck when he was _ actually _mad at you. Because then Donghyuck would just try guilt-tripping Mark into feeling bad when it just made Mark feel shittier than he already did.

“...I’m just really busy, Hyuckie, I’m sorry,” Mark tried apologizing. “I really haven’t been trying to avoid you, I just have a lot on my plate. It’s not anything you did.”

“Okay, but whenever I bring this up, it’s always the same excuse, that you’re busy, or whatever, or you just forgot. I’m busy too, you know,” Donghyuck replied. “I’m actually trying to make time to hang out with you, Mark. Like I do for my friends and my friends do to me. So if you’re my friend, then why is that so difficult for you to do?”

_ You don’t think I’ve been trying? _Mark almost said this time, but he knew better than to add sparks to the smoke. Because every time they had this conversation, he was scared Donghyuck was going to take what he said the wrong way, that he would say something wrong and it would actually start damaging their friendship. 

If he ignored it, then maybe it would just go away.

“I know. I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I really am sorry, Hyuck. But don’t worry, I’ll make it up to you, yeah? We have summer, once the semester is over,” Mark tried lightening the conversation. “During summer, when I’m not as busy, we can do more stuff, you know? Like old times?”

_ During our third summer together _, Mark thought to himself.

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “Get a grip, Mark Lee, we’re not _ that _ancient. Old times? Really? What, are we forty now? It’s only our third summer together,” he retorted, as if reading Mark’s mind.

Mark grinned cheekily. “Still open to being my backup?”

Donghyuck threw a pillow at him. “You wish.”

“We’re still best friends though, right Haechannie?”

Donghyuck paused hesitantly.

It was too long for Mark.

“Yeah, we are,” Donghyuck finally said breezily, and Mark can tell he didn’t really mean it. “Of course we’re always best friends!” he said cheerfully, except Mark felt like he was lying to him. 

“Well, good to know we’re still friends! You scared me there for a second,” Mark replied, trying to lighten the mood. “I thought you were going to say we aren’t.”

“You had me scared there too. Although...come to think of it,” Donghyuck paused for a moment, “this third summer you’ll be taking classes and having team practices, right? So this third summer it’ll be just like this semester, where you’re still too busy to hang out for me,” Donghyuck joked backhandedly, not actually joking but just accusing him without explicitly saying it.

“Donghyuck…” Mark tried to say something, but anxiety started creeping up in his chest, fearful that anything he said would be the wrong thing.

“But yeah, we’ll still be best friends, right Mark? Because there’s nothing wrong with anything, right? You’re just too busy to call or text me back, right? But wait, you won’t be busy this summer, ‘networking’ for your future with them, isn’t that always the excuse?” Donghyuck said a bit too tightly. 

“I...I just want to focus on my future,” Mark replied quietly. “I’m...I’m sorry. My future is important to me, Hyuck. They have connections and–”

“Oh good, well since you love to talk about the future so much,” Donghyuck continued disdainfully, “let’s talk about the future this _ third _summer, when suddenly everything will be just peachy. Third time’s the charm, right? I’ll just pretend you never hurt my feelings and I’ll just forget you’ve been avoiding me, right?”

Mark didn’t know what to say.

“I, I don’t know. I’m sorry, Hyuck–”

“Well, do you know if we’ll keep saying we’ll hang out but you flake instead? Because by then you’ll graduate and leave and never talk to me again. But that’s okay because you pretty much do that already! Right, Mark? Because you’re _ always _right. You never do anything wrong, and it’s just me who’s the asshole for feeling this way.”

Mark hated that Donghyuck thought that was the reason why he was avoiding him. He was avoiding Donghyuck because he didn’t want to have the conversation they were having now, when he knew Donghyuck was going to be negative about it and refuse to be understanding. That no matter what he said, Donghyuck would take it the wrong way.

“No, no, no, um, uh, you’re right, you’re right! You’re right, Haechannie. I’m sorry, I really am, I will make it up to you, I promise, we’ll still have time to hang out even when we’ll both be busy this summer, don’t worry!”

“Oh, I’m _ right _ ? Because you told Jeno the other day that I was wrong, and that I’m _ self-centered _, right Mark?!” Donghyuck’s voice rose. “I’m just a self-centered asshole, aren’t I?!”

Mark froze. That’s not how he meant it when he said that to Jeno. Hyuck didn’t know that Mark didn’t mean it like that.

“I didn’t mean it like that–”

“Okay, well how else were you supposed to mean it?”

“I just, I, it’s not, that’s not what I meant–”

“No, but it’s okay Mark! Because you’re right, I _ am _a self-centered asshole, because clearly I’m the one who’s been lying to his best friend and avoiding everything.”

“No, Hyuck, I’m sorry, please just–”

“No, it’s okay, I get it, you would rather call me a self-centered asshole than actually be apologetic and genuine about it.”

“I’m sorry–”

“Oh, so now you’re sorry? Now you’ll just say you’re sorry, like you haven’t been ignoring me and blowing me off instead of just talking to me–”

“You’re right, okay? You’re right! You’re right, I’ve been an ass. Please, Hyuck, it’s just this semester, things will get better this summer,” Mark tried, but it rang hollow, came out angrier than it sounded in his head, more accusatory than apologetic.

Donghyuck didn’t say anything to him. He just looked at Mark spitefully before walking out of the room. Mark could hear him mutter “you’re such a lying jackass” under his breath as he closed the door a bit too loudly.

He didn’t know when their friendship got like this. Or why. But he didn’t like it. Every conversation with Donghyuck had him on edge, made him feel uneasy and anxious, like he was doing something wrong and it was all his fault. And sometimes, Mark did wish it could be like old times. When he wasn’t scared to tell Donghyuck he was wrong.

Because whenever he tried talking to Donghyuck now, this attitude would stain their conversations. It put a strain on Mark, trying not to break and get angry, because Mark didn’t want to believe Donghyuck was trying to guilt-trip him about this. But Mark was starting to believe it, and he was starting to think that Donghyuck’s passive-aggressive comments were hurting him. 

And sometimes Mark wondered how long he could keep pretending their lives were what they used to be, before something finally broke and neither of them would know how to fix it.

***

“I’m sorry. Please, Mark, please, I’ve fucked up, I know that, I’m–I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care if you’re sorry,” Mark says, but it’s not out of spite, it’s not out of anger, it’s out of heartbreak. “Do you know how much it hurts when you say I don’t care about you guys? You know that I care about you so much, Donghyuck. And the fact that you think just because I don’t…I don’t...”

Mark stops mid sentence, trying to catch his breath between sharp breaths, steadying himself as Donghyuck falls on his knees and wraps his arms around Mark’s legs. 

“Please, Mark, please...I’m sorry, I never wanted to hurt you...I’m sorry I said you didn’t care…” he whispers feebly as his tears seep into the denim of Mark’s jeans.

Maybe Mark is right. Maybe he is an awful friend.

“Hyuck, I never stopped caring about you. I’m sorry for ignoring you, and for not hanging out with you as much,” Mark almost whimpers, sounding so broken, tired, defeated, and it’s killing Donghyuck inside, killing him that Mark sounds so inconsolable. “I just wanted to hang out with my friends on U Team more, okay? I didn’t realize that it was affecting everything so negatively. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Please, Mark, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please forgive me Mark–”

“No,” Mark’s voice cracks, his soft intonation breaking. “I’m not, I’m not, I’m...I can’t do this, I can’t just let you say you’re sorry and then it’s over. I can’t. You can’t just tell them that I’m horrible and that I hate you guys, and then it’s okay. You say all this awful stuff about me and I’m just supposed to ignore that it’s coming from my best friend?”

“Mark, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Donghyuck says softly into Mark’s jeans, tears feeling hot as they stung his face. “I just wanted you to care, I just...I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“But you did, and it changed the way we are now,” Mark replies, sounding like he’s in absolute grief. “You can’t...you can’t just say that, Hyuck. You can be mad at me, okay? You can hate me. But you can’t tell Renjun and Jeno and Jaemin that I think I’m too good to hang out with them–”

“Mark, please, I’m sorry, I just wanted–”

“No. No,” Mark repeats fragilely, barely above a whisper. “I can’t just keep doing this, letting you hurt me and pretending like you’re the only one getting hurt when you don’t know how awful it makes me feel.”

“But I know–”

“No..no, you don’t. You don’t know how much it hurt when you said I didn’t care about you, when Jeno asked me if I was still his friend, when Renjun wouldn’t talk to me for a week.”

“Mark, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t mean for any of that to happen,” Donghyuck cried.

“But it kept happening, and everytime, I would just try to apologize to you. But you never, ever apologized until now, when I got so angry at you. You never meant it until I yelled at you, like I can’t even talk to you like a friend. Do you know how awful that makes me feel?” 

Donghyuck looks up at Mark and it burns, it burns to see that Mark’s actually starting to cry now, tears welling up in his eyes and threatening to break loose. He’s never felt so horrible before.

All this time, Donghyuck only cared about how much Mark hurt him, how much it hurt that Mark was being an awful best friend, how much it hurt that Mark would never know how he felt. He never stopped to think if maybe he had hurt Mark. That maybe he was being as awful to Mark as he thought Mark was being to him. That Mark was just as upset as he was.

Maybe Mark was right. Maybe he is self-centered.

“Of course I know,” Donghyuck chokes, another sob threatening to rise up in his throat. “I know, Mark, and if I didn’t know I do now, okay? I know how much it hurts, we’ve both called each other horrible things, but just forget it, okay? Please, Mark, please...they meant nothing. Those things mean nothing.”

“No...I-I-I can’t,” Mark stutters. “I can’t keep pretending. That what you do or say doesn’t hurt me. Because it means something. I wouldn’t feel like thi-things ch-ch-changed if they hadn’t.” 

It’s like a slap in the face when he hears Mark say that word again. That awful, awful word. 

Change.

“It’s ch-changed everything and I hate that I don’t even know if any of them think I’m their friend, because you told them I didn’t care,” Mark sobbed, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. “I hate that I can’t even feel happy calling you my best friend anymore. I can’t even feel happy saying that, do you know how horrible that makes me feel inside? That I don’t even know if I can call you my friend?”

“Mark, please, please, I never meant–”

“No, Hyuck, no...I’m sorry, I just..I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep being your friend if we keep treating each other like this.”

“Mark–”

“I’m sorry, Hyuck. I’m so sorry for everything. I’m sorry things got like this.”

“Please, Mark, we can–”

“No, I can’t, I...I need to go,” Mark is shaking, his entire body a deluge of ceaseless tremors. “I can’t keep pretending like this feeling’s just going to go away. I don’t want to keep getting hurt.”

No.

It has to go away. Mark can’t leave.

No.

“Please don’t go, Mark.”

No.

Donghyuck gets up from his knees, letting go of Mark’s legs and stands back up on his feet, desperately hugs his arms around Mark, trying to hold onto him, to make him stay, force him in place, holding him so tightly, hugging him so he won’t move. He never, ever, wants to lose Mark. He doesn’t want to lose Mark. He can’t.

“Hyuck, let go of me,” Mark chokes up, voice hoarse. “Let go of me. I don’t want to be here. I..I can’t keep being here, it hurts, everything hurts.”

“Mark, please don’t go, please, please, please,” he’s almost begging, “can we talk, please, I won’t say anything, I’m so sorry–”

“No.” Mark shudders, his entire body convulsing, tremoring, as he pushes him away again.

The space between them feels like it’s spreading out of control. The hole in Donghyuck’s heart grows larger and larger, as cold waves of shock flood over his body. “I can’t. I ca-can’t, ca-can’t...can’t,” Mark stutters again, his voice sounding like it’s ice cracking and shattering from a place far, far away, like he’s vanishing right before Donghyuck’s eyes. “I can’t...I can’t keep pretending like everything’s the same anymore. It doesn’t matter what you say, Donghyuck. It’s not nothing anymore. Everything has changed.”

No.

_ Sometimes we have to let people change, _Jeno had said.

No.

_ Otherwise they’ll resent us for never letting them free, _Jeno had concluded.

No.

He wraps his arms around Mark again and refuses to let go, refuses to let him leave.

“Please, Mark, please, we can talk about this, please–”

Mark pushes away from him again. “I’m sorry, Hyuck, I have to go, just please, let me leave, I can’t do this,” Mark looks at him with teary eyes seeped in sadness.

“Mark, please don’t leave–”

“I can’t, I don’t even know how to feel anymore. How can we be fr-friends now? I-I-I don’t even kn-know if you’re my fr-friend, I can’t e-even say I-I-I, I hate, I hate this, I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t have let this happen, this-this is all m-my f-f-fa-faault–”

“Mark, please, please–”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Mark sobs, tears streaming across his cheeks, both of their vision clouded in the overwhelming haze of emotions, “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I let it come to this, I’m sorry I was an awful friend, I’m so sorry I fucked up everything, just let me go, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry–”

“Please! Please Mark! Please,just stop, you aren’t hurting me, I’m sorry, I never wanted to hurt you. Mark, please, please, I-I don’t know what to do without you,” Donghyuck cries as he desperately grabs onto Mark’s sleeve.

“Let me go, Hyuck,” Mark’s hand is shaking so badly and it’s killing him, it’s killing Donghyuck inside. “I can’t stay here, just let me leave, please, just let me leave.”

“I can’t,” Donghyuck sobs, “I can’t, I don’t want you to leave. I can’t lose my best friend.”

Mark pulls away again, and Donghyuck is starting to lose the will to keep going after Mark when he keeps pushing him away further and further.

“Mark, please–”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Donghyuck, you deserve a better friend than me–”

“Please, please, don’t leave, I can’t lose you, I’m sorry,” Donghyuck almost shouts, and it’s so painful, so agonizing, like daggers digging deeper into his chest. But he still fights, still holds onto Mark as he grabs his wrist again. “I can’t let things end like this. Our friendship can’t just end like this.”

The subsequent sob that comes choked out of Mark’s throat cracks his heart into a million pieces. He hates seeing Mark this upset. He hates that he’s so scared of losing Mark.

“Then why does it feel like it already has?” Mark whispers back somberly, his eyes a rosy red, his cheeks a watery patchwork, his voice a painful gray grief.

“Mark...it can’t be,” Donghyuck cries. “I can’t...I can’t let you leave.”

“No, you...you can’t do this, just, stop, Donghyuck, let me leave–”

“Mark please, PLEASE, please, stay!” He’s desperate, disconcerted, he’ll do anything, give anything to get Mark to stay. “Please, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Mark–”

“Donghyuck, you can’t do this–”

“Mark, please, please, _ please _–”

“I can’t, I can’t, I, fuck, fuck, all I do is keep hurting you here, I can’t keep doing this, all I’m doing is making things worse–”

“No, it’s not your fault, it’s mine, it’s all my fault, please, Mark, _ please _–”

“I fucked up, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m so sorry for everything–”

“Mark, please, _ please _! PLEASE! You can’t leave! Please talk to me, please Mark, I can’t lose you, please, PLEASE–”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything, I’m sorry I messed everything up, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Mark sobs through tears as he grabs his keys and backpack, runs out of the apartment door and slams it behind him. Slams the door on Donghyuck. Pushes him away again.

Donghyuck doesn’t feel like himself when he sinks down into a broken mess on the floor.

He doesn’t know who he is anymore. How he got here, what he’s doing, why he’s so, so heartbroken over everything. Donghyuck doesn’t know who it is that’s crying on the kitchen floor of the apartment that Mark and his friends live in, but it’s not him. Because Donghyuck would never, ever hurt Mark. He would never even think of hitting Mark, of harming Mark, of hurting Mark, of hating Mark. That’s not who Donghyuck was. That’s not who Donghyuck is.

But Donghyuck doesn’t know who he is anymore, and he hates it. He hates whoever this is, angrily crying against the wooden floor of the kitchen, choking back sobs and unable to breathe.

Everything hurts. His chest sets on fire, his lungs collapse under their weight, his eyes lose their sight, his brain feels like it’s about to explode. It doesn’t matter. Everything is over, nothing will be the same, because Mark changed. And he now he’s gone. 

Sometimes Donghyuck is reluctant to let in change.

Sometimes he turns resentful at how much he refused to let it free.

He hears footsteps and a door open. As he tries to compose himself in the moment, tries to stop crying uncontrollably, he sees Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun slowly walking out of Jaemin’s room, terrified as they look at him on the floor.

Oh god. He’s fucked this up so bad. 

They heard everything. 

He’s fucked it up so bad.

Whoever it is that’s here in the apartment shared by Mark, Renjun, Jeno, Donghyuck, and Jaemin, whoever it is that’s sunk to the floor on his knees, whoever it is trying to wipe his tears away, that person has fucked it up so bad. It can’t be him. Donghyuck would never fuck up this bad.

But what does he know, he doesn’t even feel like himself anymore.

He never wanted them to see him like this, like he’s not himself. He feels awful.

“Fuck, were you guys in there this entire time?” he croaks out, throat raw with pain.

None of them respond or say anything. None of them look like they even know him.

“Did...did you guys h-hear everything?”

Jaemin only tenses up in response. Renjun is crying but doesn’t say anything, only sniffles.

Donghyuck has fucked everything up so, so bad. He’s scared that he’s going to lose them like he just lost Mark. He had said all those awful things and they’d heard every single one of them behind the door. They probably hate him.

“I’m, I’m sorry, please, we didn’t know you were home,” Donghyuck cries, choking on his own spit as he sniffles and feels hot tears rolling down his face, “I didn’t know, I didn’t know any of you were home, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

They don’t say anything. He probably has scared them so badly. They don’t even look him in the eye. They’ll never want to see him again. They’ll never want to be his friends again. He’s going to lose them like he lost Mark.

“I’m sorry please I’m sorry, please forgive me, please, please, please don’t leave me too, I’m I–I–imsosorrypleasedonthatem-m-m-meIcantloseyouguys–”

Jeno hugs him fiercely, rushing down to wrap his arms around Donghyuck and never letting go. Jaemin embraces him after and buries his head in Donghyuck’s shoulder. Renjun cries into his back as the three of them embrace Hyuck on their kitchen floor. 

Any resistance left in his body vanishes as Donghyuck breaks down in his friend’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the most angsty/heart-wrenching chapter. Don't worry, they won't all be this sad! 
> 
> I hope you look forward to the next chapter. Hope you've enjoyed the story so far!
> 
> As always, feel free to talk to me/ask me about Lover on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues) or [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues)! Until then, see you sometime this Thursday, when I post the Thanksgiving one-shot special set in this universe, based on how they all spent their very first American Thanksgiving together :-) Fun, silly shenanigans to ensue. Hope you look forward to it!


	6. All You Had To Do Was Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark is his night sky, and he is Mark’s, and with each passing minute into the night, another star slowly grows brighter and glistens across galaxies and light years. Slowly, as the twilight blooms into a quiet sable sky, twinkling iotas of light started to shine, until eventually the light would freckle the entire canvas of nightfall.
> 
> And in that infinite space of stars and constellations painted across the dark interstellar unknown, somehow he’s found Mark, someone who’s like a nebula, a sky full of stars slowly captivating him. Like a slow, deep burn of fascination turned into a friendship that might turn into fondness. Like Donghyuck was slowly attracted to the pull of Mark’s gravity, and now he’s stuck orbiting around him.
> 
> And so, that’s how Donghyuck finds himself falling into his gravity, because he knows that Mark will still catch him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back to our non-linear narrative! I know the past two chapters have been pretty chronological, centered on a pretty major/serious event, but this story was written with the non-linear narrative intended, so this chapter doesn't really quite pick up last where we left off, exactly.
> 
> Return to this non-linear style doesn't mean Mark and Donghyuck's fight is magically resolved. This is addressed in this chapter. And now you'll finally see why Yeri is tagged as a character (and a very important one) in this story! 
> 
> Hope you like this chapter! Thanks for all the wonderful comments you've all left so far – I really appreciate them and I love reading every single one of them!

** _Can we always be this close, forever and ever?_ **

“Donghyuck, Donghyuck Lee?” Professor Park calls.

“I go by Haechan,” he almost says out of instinct.

“Ah, _ Haechan_, is my pronunciation right?”

“Yes, that’s my preferred name.”

“Alright, Haechan, nice to have you!”

It's only his first day of summer school and Haechan is already in a bad mood.

Part of the deal he had made with his parents is that, in return for letting him major in both music and economics and paying for the international tuition, Haechan would give up his last summer in Korea to take summer classes and get ahead so he’d graduate on time. 

It was a sacrifice, but it was one he was willing to make. He was willing to give up his last summer as a teenager in Korea to go start school early in America. He was willing to fly by himself, knowing no one in the States besides his cousin Taeil, never having practiced English with actual Americans, with no help from anyone but Taeil and Kun, who was a friend of a friend of a friend of Jeno’s friend. 

Thankfully, Kun was a junior also attending the same university and agreed to let Haechan stay with him in his roommate's room for the summer to sublet. And while it hadn't been easy, sacrificing his summer with his friends in Korea, and those precious memories that could've been made with Jeno, Heejin and Hyunjin, he knew that it was worth it, to meet his parent’s requirements so he could pursue his passions.

And that’s how he found himself in Music 25 this summer on the first floor of the department’s building, after testing out of the introductory prerequisites and starting his lower division requirements. However, that’s not how he found the massive coffee stain on his t-shirt this morning that he’s now covering up with a sweatshirt, even though it’s sweltering hot out today and he’s sweating buckets in it.

No, that’s because of some asshole who didn’t watch where he was riding his bike and ran into him, which had caused him to spill coffee all over himself. But instead of listening to the apologies and feigned guilt that the biker called back from his ride to wherever he was going, he decided to just shout back, “Watch where you’re going, idiot!” in Korean and started speed walking away from Starbucks this morning. It’s not like that idiot would understand what he was saying anyways.

Unfortunately, Kun’s apartment was a good 10 blocks away and he had 10 minutes to get to class. Thankfully, Target nearby was open, and that’s how Haechan found himself wearing an oversized gray hoodie to cover up the coffee shirt. Theoretically, he probably should’ve bought another t-shirt. Regrettably, when you’re moody and bitter over a stained coffee t-shirt and you’re already running late to your first day of class because you’re in Target looking for new clothes, your brain doesn’t really work rationally.

Or maybe Haechan is just petty and refuses to buy a new t-shirt just because some idiot hadn’t watched where he was going. Not his fault he had spilled coffee on himself this morning. That was that other dude’s fault. He’d probably get his bike stolen by someone. That would be his karma. And besides, he could just vent to Jeno later when he called him about biker boy, biker boy being what Haechan had decided to call him in his head.

Five minutes into the class as his professor began introducing herself and the course – Sunyoung Park, famed Korean-American operatic singer with a repertoire for her ethereal arias (Haechan likes to do a little bit of research on his teachers, after all) – there’s someone rushing into the classroom, earphones popping out and a cup of Starbucks coffee in his left hand.

Wait a minute, Haechan thinks. Is that–

“Ah, and you are–”

“Mark! Mark Lee, sorry, was late today, got caught up,” Mark Lee breathily apologizes as he sits down in the seat at the front of the class.

“Ah, yes! Here you are on the roll call, Mark Lee,” Professor Park smiles. “Welcome to Music 25! Please try to be on time though, it’s important you arrive promptly so you don’t miss anything.”

“Ah, sorry, sorry,” Mark Lee continues apologizing as he tries to catch his breath.

Holy shit. Mark Lee, aka the guy who spilled his coffee on Haechan. Biker boy. Not only had he caused Haechan to spill coffee all over himself, but he had also decided to buy a cup of coffee and it _ hasn't _spilled all over his clothes? 

Haechan is extremely annoyed right now. At Professor Park for being nice to this _ asshole _ that spilled coffee on him, at this loser named _ Mark Lee _ who was going to be in a music class with him this summer, and at himself for being this bothered by biker boy. Biker boy, who probably wouldn’t even recognize him unless he walked up to him with his coffee-stained shirt and said, “Hey, remember me? I’m the guy from this morning that spilled his Starbucks coffee all over himself when you were riding your bike!”

Haechan has already settled for disliking him, and he won’t change his mind. Maybe it’s petty, maybe it’s stupid, maybe it’s wildly immature. But clumsy coffee-drinking Mark Lee was someone he’s going to detest this entire summer, and then inevitably forget about when the school year finally starts and Jeno moves in with him to the freshman dorms. 

It’s not like they’re going to be friends anyways. After all, they’re just in the same class for one summer. He’ll get over this, eventually.

After Professor Park goes through the syllabus and a couple of other miscellaneous class guidelines, she starts the lecture off with the old adage question: What is Music? It’s fascinating, Haechan thinks, and while he generally prefers the pop singers of the 21st century, he admits that Professor Park’s approach to introducing the history and periods of music is pretty compelling. Although he has a bit of trouble following along because he doesn’t know all the English words she uses, her enthusiasm as she expounds upon each lecture slide makes him excited for music. Even though his day started off bad, he’s grateful and glad to be here, taking this class and getting to even double major in music at all in America.

The lecture ends and then Haechan is free for the afternoon. He decides he wants to get lunch and heads off to find a cafe or something to study in before his first economics class later today. On the way out, he glances up and, for a split second, catches clumsy coffee-drinker Mark Lee staring at him, as if suddenly realizing who Haechan is. Which Haechan considers rude, so he simply offers a smug smile in his direction, causing Mark Lee to break eye contact and look away.

What a loser, that Mark Lee dude, Haechan thinks to himself. _ Biker boy is such a loser. _

* * *

** _And ah, take me out, and take me home_ **

**“**Hey, can I ask you a question, Hyuck?” Mark says to him in the middle of their midterm study session at the coffee shop table.

“Hmm? Yeah, sure,” Donghyuck replies as he takes off his headphones. “Is it about this problem on the study guide? ‘Cause I don’t really get it either–”

“Why don’t you like Christmas that much?”

Donghyuck thinks it’s a bit of an odd question, since he’s already told Mark why, so he’s not sure why Mark is asking him again. “You already know, the two-month capitalism period after November 1st and everything, and how Santa is basically a marketing tactic to promote spending money to stimulate the economy and–”

“No, Hyuck, not your political or economic reasons, I meant...I meant why you, personally, don’t like Christmas,” Mark says. “It’s not just about that, otherwise you wouldn’t make a face every time I say ‘the magic of Christmas’ to you.”

“Well, I didn’t make a face now, did I?” Donghyuck says flatly, maybe a bit too guarded.

“Come on, Hyuck. Please? You can be honest with me,” Mark says sweetly. “I want to know why. I want to know you better.”

“But we already know each other well enough,” Donghyuck replies.

“Not well enough if I don’t know why you really don’t like Christmas,” Mark says. “Come on, we’ve been studying for a couple hours already. This can be our break! I wanna hear about it from you. Can you please tell me?” He pouts, like a puppy.

It’s dumb, Donghyuck thinks, how easily he caves whenever Mark talks to him sweetly and makes a pouty face or whines. He doesn’t know why Mark has this effect on him, or what it means when he feels his stomach curl into a knot every time Mark speaks with that sweet tone. But he chooses to ignore that. If he’s going to be honest about something, he’d rather be honest about his feelings regarding Christmas instead of his feelings regarding Mark.

“Are you really that keen to know?” Donghyuck asks.

“Yes!” Mark replies excitedly.

“Why?”

“Does there have to be a reason for it?” Mark smiles.

“I guess not,” Donghyuck says.

Well here’s your chance to open up, Donghyuck, he thinks to himself. _ Do you trust him? _

Trusting people with his emotions is something Donghyuck rarely does, which is why his close friends are his close friends – they’re special to him. He trusts Jeno readily, and while it definitely took some time for him to truly and honestly warm up to Jaemin and Renjun, the four of them all trust one another as if it’s instinctual. 

That hasn’t always been the case with Mark. Trusting Mark took time, patience, and happenstance, like it had for all four of them.

For Jaemin and Mark, it’s them bonding over Friends, generally bantering about the show but also talking about things that extend beyond it. For Jeno and Mark, it’s both being sporty and athletic but also Jeno wearing his heart on his sleeve and Mark noticing and genuinely expressing his appreciation to Jeno. For Renjun and Mark, it’s Renjun’s sarcastic quips and quick wit that sometimes says more than just the words, and Mark being perceptive of it from time to time.

But for Donghyuck and Mark, it’s always been something kind of different. It wasn’t something they eased into, with a commonality or easy dynamic to start off with and go back to. In fact, Donghyuck remembers hating Mark for almost a month in summer music class with Professor Park, where they first met each other. 

But it makes him feel special, for Mark to spend so much time slowly getting to know him better, figuring him out, and him doing the same to Mark. Something about the way their friendship worked makes him think of the night stars. 

Mark is his night sky, and he is Mark’s, and with each passing minute into the night, another star slowly grows brighter and glistens across galaxies and light years. Slowly, as the twilight blooms into a quiet sable sky, twinkling iotas of light started to shine, until eventually the light would freckle the entire canvas of nightfall. 

And in that infinite space of stars and constellations painted across the dark interstellar unknown, somehow he’s found Mark, someone who’s like a nebula, a sky full of stars slowly captivating him. Like a slow, deep burn of fascination turned into a friendship that might turn into fondness. Like Donghyuck was slowly attracted to the pull of Mark’s gravity, and now he’s stuck orbiting around him.

And so, that’s how Donghyuck finds himself falling into his gravity, because he knows that Mark will still catch him.

“Well...it’s not that I hate Christmas,” Donghyuck says reservedly. “I just kinda...don’t like how much emphasis is placed on one single day when, I dunno, I don’t find it to be very special?”

"What do you mean?” Mark asks.

“I just don’t get what the big deal is, that’s all,” he tells Mark. “Like, there’s so much buildup to this one day, and just...it comes and goes, like any other normal day? I mean yeah, you get to see your family and all, but there’s nothing super special that happens, really.”

“So you’re saying you don’t like it because you’ve never found it special?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “I guess. It’s just another day of the year in Korea. It’s more for couples to go on special dates than for special family gatherings. I dunno, does this make sense?” 

“I think it does,” Mark replies.

“I dunno, I just...I just never really saw the point, all this buildup and it’s just a regular day. It’s nothing life changing,” Donghyuck says. “Like, when everyone told me I would remember graduation day in high school and the ceremony and it’d always be with me...I can barely remember it now.”

“So that’s why you don’t like Christmas? Because it’s just an ordinary day, in both Korea and in the grand scheme of things?” Mark asks.

“Well...yeah, I guess.”

To be fair, that’s not exactly true. Jeno loves Christmas and the festivities, so it’s not like it’s just because he grew up in Korea. And it’s not like Donghyuck wants to hate Christmas. He genuinely doesn’t have a problem with people who enjoy the holiday. He’s just not one of them, and he really, really hates how the whole holiday cheer is only temporary because “tis the season” dictates all festivities.

It’s not like he’s the Grinch who’s stealing presents. 

“I’m not a Grinch, I hope you know that,” he adds hastily. “I just...I just don’t really like Christmas being waved in front of my face for a whole month. Or any holiday, really. It just feels obnoxious. Like here in America, it’s expected that I love Christmas when I don’t want to.”

Mark gives him a bit of a perplexed stare. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh,” Mark says. “That’s funny because, well, everything you just said, those are the reasons I love Christmas in Canada! And I’m Korean too, dummy, but I still love it!”

A nerve short-circuits in Donghyuck’s brain. “Sorry, what?”

Of course he knew Mark was Korean and Canadian. What did that have to do with anything?

“The way all the people come together, to celebrate something, and spread peace and love and joy, I don’t know, maybe we just see it differently, but I always think it’s beautiful, how every year people come together for a holiday,“ Mark says cheerfully. “Like, people put aside their differences for one day of the year and just are kind to one another. That’s always been something of a miracle to me.”

“But I don’t think it should be seen as a miracle though,” Donghyuck responds. “It should be seen as something normal that you can do any day of the year. That’s my whole point. It shouldn’t be considered miraculous to be kind to merry and joyful year round.”

“If you think about it though, Christmas is a sort of miracle,” Mark beams joyfully. “Like, during World War I, in 1914 the Germans and the French stopped fighting just to celebrate Christmas together? Like, even during a war of sworn enemies across the world, they put aside all their differences to come together for one day.”

"That was only once, though,” Donghyuck says. “It only happened once, and the next few years after that they never did it again and went back to fighting. Also, please don’t tell me you’re romanticizing Western warfare.”

“Nononono sorry, sorry, I’m not trying to do that,” Mark replies quickly. “Sorry if that’s what you thought, no I just meant, like, Christmas and the holidays in general are times where people look for joy, and hope, you know? Christmas means something to people regardless of where they come from.”

“Well, what if where they come from isn’t a place that celebrates Christmas?”

“But even if people don’t celebrate Christmas, there’s still Kwanzaa, and Hanukkah, Boxing Day, and New Years Eve! And even if you don’t celebrate any of those, just the whole month of December is special, because you can just feel the spirit in the air. And I love that feeling whenever Christmas comes around each year.”

"So what you’re saying is, you don’t necessarily like the actual day of Christmas itself, but the festivities and merriment of it all?” Donghyuck says.

“Exactly! The holiday cheer!” Mark replies ecstatically. “Like, finding gifts you think will mean a lot to your family and friends, all the smells of cookies and gingerbread, all the different kinds of candy canes, snowmen and holiday songs...it’s just, it makes me feel so warm inside.”

Donghyuck doesn’t know what to say, because to an extent, he understands that warm feeling Mark talks about so lovingly. Sometimes, when it’s just him and Mark, having a deep conversation at their kitchen table, or on a bench in a park, or during a study session in a coffee shop like this, he feels warm. It’s a warmth that starts in his stomach and spreads up his abdomen and chest, glowing up against him like the hearth of a fire. Instead of burning, it creates a warm sensation in Donghyuck’s chest that he enjoys but doesn’t quite understand. 

Sometimes, he wonders if Mark has this affect on other people when he talks to them. Because the thought that he’s the only one who feels this way also sends a cold shiver through him, equally as much as it radiates heat through his veins.

“I get that,” Donghyuck nods. “It’s the feverish mood of it all, I suppose. I guess for like graduation, or before a party, there’s always excitement running through the air that gets you hyped for the event. Or Chuseok, how everyone celebrates and dresses up festively and spends time with their family and we all have fun. I totally understand, I just...I don’t know, I’ve never experienced what it’s supposed to feel like.”

“But your family celebrates Chuseok, right?” Mark asks.

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, I guess it’s sort of like the Western Christmas of Korea, right? Do you feel special when you guys celebrate Chuseok?”

“Well, sure.”

“Can you imagine it as the same feeling I get when it’s Christmas, maybe?”

Donghyuck pauses. “Hmm. I dunno, I guess it’s a cultural difference? But that’s not exactly true, even Jeno likes Christmas and his family celebrates it. But Christmas generally isn’t as big of a deal in Korea as it is in the West.”

“But that doesn’t explain why you personally seem actively against it,” Mark nods.

“I guess...I guess I’m against it because I think it’s overrated,” Donghyuck admits. “I think it’s overrated because even though this is only my second year being a student in America, I still don’t get the hype about Christmas. Even for Chuseok, I’m not as over-the-top excited about it as my other Korean friends are, or how you are for Christmas.”

“That’s because you’ve never experienced a Canadian Christmas with my mom’s hot chocolate,” Mark grins happily. “You would love Christmas in Vancouver, Hyuck. It’s so warm, and special, and it’s so magical. I wish you could come see it. I think you might finally feel the magic of Christmas you never got to have!”

There it is again. That warm, fuzzy feeling whenever Mark is genuinely happy for no reason than to just be happy. It’s just so pure, so special, and it makes him feel light inside. For how much he enjoys to tease Mark, make fun of him, calling him a loser and annoying him to no end, this feeling of happiness he has whenever he sees Mark merry and happy will always be something he’ll value the most. He’ll always value how Mark can make him feel happy over even the tiniest things that Donghyuck can’t appreciate or enjoy, like Christmas, or the ideal of it.

“Maybe I’ll come visit you in Vancouver, one day,” Donghyuck replies, genuinely smiling back at Mark. “With the way you talk about it sometimes...maybe I’d finally understand why you love ‘the magic of Christmas’ so much.”

“I hope you do,” Mark says excitedly. “If you ever come, and visit for Christmas, I’ll make sure it’s something you never forget, because I’m determined it’ll be the first time you fall in love with Christmas. And that it’ll feel as special to you as it is to me.”

The fuzzy feeling warms his soul in a way Mark could never even realize. The fact that Mark cared so much about getting Donghyuck to experience the magic of a merry Christmas has his heart soaring over constellations, across the endless expanse of his own galaxy as he slowly gravitates closer and gets lost in Mark’s orbit.

In the back of his mind, Donghyuck wonders what’s going to happen when eventually it becomes too strong and he ends up free falling and crashing into Mark.

* * *

** _You’re my, my, my, my…_ **

“Hey, Yeri?” Mark knocks on her slightly opened door.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Yeri asks him, lounging on her bed as she pauses the movie she was watching. 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t go back home yet, can I crash here another night?” Mark asks her timidly. “Please, Katy?”

He knows Yeri won’t say no, but he also can tell that she might be getting tired of his presence in the apartment. He also knows she’ll be the most honest with him when it’s just the two of them here. No Xuxi, No Jungpal, no Lippie, no Chaebae. It’s just him and Katy here now.

“Sure,” she replies apprehensively. “Just…”

Mark doesn’t know what she’s hesitant to say.

“What is it, Yeri?”

She lets out a sigh. “Just please, please talk to Donghyuck. Or Jaemin. Jeno. Renjun. Whichever one of them it is, regarding whatever you did to fuck up something. You can’t keep running away. You know, like how you told us when you were moving out, but eventually you did it anyways? Because you knew it was the right thing to do?”

“It’s not that simple,” he says sadly. “It’s not as easy as you make it sound.”

“I know I keep asking and I know you’ll say no, but…” Yeri trails off, then sighs, sounding disappointed. “Maybe if you explained it, I would understand why it’s not easy and why it’s so hard right now, Mark. You can’t expect me to be sympathetic if you refuse to tell me what happened...”

Mark’s mind starts swimming in his own thoughts. 

Of course Mark wants to talk about it. But he’s scared, about what’ll happen if he says it out loud, because saying everything out loud to someone else would mean that what had happened was real. That he and Donghyuck aren’t friends anymore. 

It’s been almost a week since their fight. A week since Mark had walked out the apartment door, since he had slept in his bed in the room him and Donghyuck shared. 

He was too ashamed of his behavior to go back into the apartment and talk to Donghyuck. He screwed up really, really bad. Yes, Donghyuck had said some horrible things, but it’s not like Mark had been any better. He only added fuel to the fire. He should’ve just stopped and handled it maturely, like friends are supposed to. 

But he couldn't because he was scared to admit that Donghyuck was right. Mark had hurt Donghyuck. He had thought that avoiding it, letting it blow over and pass by, pretending nothing was wrong, would make everything okay again. That eventually, the awkwardness and the tension would just vanish into thin air. But it had actually made everything so much worse. 

Ever since he had left, he had always texted Jaemin if Donghyuck was home before he went back to the apartment. He already knows Donghyuck’s schedule, but on the off chance that he was trying to catch Mark when he would go home to change and shower between classes, he wanted to be sure he wasn’t home.

He’s still avoiding Donghyuck, still won’t answer his calls, and still won’t tell Jaemin the truth about where he is and why he hasn’t come back home yet. He told them that he was staying in Sicheng’s apartment and just needed some time on his own, just needed some time alone, when that was a total lie. He needs his friends. He needs to talk to Donghyuck. He needs to be honest with Yeri about everything, because she couldn’t keep lying to everyone else in her apartment for much longer, telling them that Mark’s apartment was getting some work done in their kitchen. 

Mark knows this is his fault and he feels bad that he’s causing everyone so much trouble for his mistakes. He should own up to what he did wrong and try to make it right. But Mark thinks he’s too much of a coward to do that. He’s too scared of making things worse than they already are.

“Hey! Mark! Are you even listening to me?!” Yeri snaps Mark out of his thoughts as she raises her voice at him. “Have you just ignored me this whole time?”

"Sorry, what?”

“Did you just space out on everything I just said?” Yeri says a bit angrily. "Have I just been talking to myself here?"

“Sorry, sorry–”

“No, you know what? I’m only gonna say this once, Mark Lee. I’m not letting you stay here past tonight,” Yeri says seriously, rising up from her bed to stand up. “I know this is your old apartment and all, but this has got to stop.” 

“I know, I’m sorry, Yeri, I feel bad.”

“You can feel bad for yourself but you can’t make me feel bad for you. I’ve been super patient with you this past week, Mark. I’ve been understanding. But you can’t expect me to play babysitter for you here. That’s not cool. I’m your friend, not your mom.”

“I’m sorry,” Mark apologizes. He feels like this is just all he’s good for, to just have the worst ability to fuck everything up for everyone in his life, apologize for it but nothing ever good comes out of it, and he’ll always be too scared to try and fix it.

"I don’t care if you’re sorry, save it for when you actually mean it,” Yeri says, raising her hand up to chest level to pause him. “You just need to tell me what happened. If I’m kicking you out tomorrow, then at the very least I want to make sure you’re going to be okay.”

Something about the way Yeri says it strikes a chord in Mark. He wants to be upset that she said it, but he can’t, because something travels up his throat and it’s an instinct, telling him that she’s right and she cares about him. But that instinctive feeling gets drowned out as the gnawing ugly voice in his head begins to swirl grey clouds of doubt across the sky.

“Why?” Mark asks, his tone a bit harsher than he had thought it would be. “Why do you care if I’m okay? You’re not my mom, right? Isn’t that what you said?”

Yeri seems taken aback, her hard frown softening and her eyes focusing on him even more. “Why do I care if you’re okay? Hello? Because you’re my friend, Mark! That’s what friends do, they care about each other.”

“But I’ve been such an awful friend these past few days,” Mark says dejectedly.

“Yeah, I’m aware. You have been awful the past week, wallowing around in your self-pity in the apartment with no explanation whatsoever. It’s been super inconsiderate and honestly, it’s kind of pathetic,” she says coarsely, the hard tone in her voice sending a shiver down Mark’s spine.

“Then why haven’t you kicked me out yet?” he asks her, almost angrily. “Why are you still letting me stay one more night if I’m not a good friend and I’m just making you upset? If I’m that awful?!”

“Because friendship isn’t all or nothing, Mark!” she almost shouts. “Just because you aren’t a good friend now doesn’t mean you aren’t a good friend at all!”

Suddenly he feels all the scratching in his throat stop as he feels his chest fall into his gut and the clouds in his mind halt to a standstill, a mountain breeze of butterflies dancing in his abdomen as the trees entangle him in their wooden branches.

“What?”

“What do you mean, ‘what’, do you think that’s what our friendship is? If you screw up and do something that seriously pisses me off, it’s over and we’re not friends anymore?” Yeri asks him. 

“Yes? When people screw up they don’t become friends anymore! When you hurt people they don’t want to be friends with you anymore. And then you just let them go and move on and you find other friends. That’s how it works!”

Is it not?

“No, Mark! That’s not how it works! That’s not how any of this works!” she shouts back. “Do you think I would put up with this if that’s how it worked?”

He hesitates. “I...well, no–”

“No,I wouldn’t! But I put up with this _ because _I am your friend, and I still care about you. If I gave up on you the first time you actually made me upset, if I gave up on you because you’ve been so goddamn thick the past week, would we still be friends right now?”

Mark’s mind races all around him, the storm clouds swirling into a strong, wild wind that blows his thoughts out of control and out of his mind and out of what he can realize or understand.

“Wait, is that what this is all about?” Yeri asks, the alertness in her words causing the hairs on his arms to stand up. “You got in a bad fight with one of them or did something bad, and because it was bad and it hurt them and it was caused by you, you just think your friendship is over and there’s no going back to it?” 

“Wha-what do you mean?” Mark says nervously. “Where, where’d you get that idea?”

“Oh my god, that’s what this is about,” Yeri realizes, the tone of her voice crashing into Mark, spilling all over him and knocking him off balance and sending him rushing away as the gust of current sweeps him off the ground. “You got in a major fight with one of them, and you don’t think you can fix it because something got broken, so you ran away from it.”

“Yeri, that’s not–”

“Don’t pull a ‘Yeri, that’s not true at all’ on me, Mark Lee–”

“I don’t talk like that!”

“Well come on, don’t lie to me again.”

“I’m not lying!”

“Yes you are, I always know when you’re lying because you’re so bad at it,” Yeri says keenly. 

“Why would I lie about them?”

“Because it’s exactly what happened, because there’s no way you would go this long avoiding your apartment unless something happened. The five of you are best friends and if you haven’t gone back for this long, it’s because you got scared.” 

A wave of denial sends him back under the tow. “No I’m not. I’m not scared.”

_ Yes you are _ , says the gnawing voice in his head. _ You’re a coward. _

“Yes you are,” she fires back. “You’re scared that you guys aren’t friends anymore. That’s why you’re still here and not with them.”

He’s trying to find purchase on anything but there’s nothing below him but a moment of deep blue clarity as the current brings him under. He doesn’t know what to do, he feels trapped and he can’t swim, only sink. He can’t tell Yeri what happened. Because then he doesn’t know if he’ll ever breach the surface again.

He just wants to ignore it. If he ignores it, it will all go away.

“Yeri, please, please don’t say anything,” Mark pleads. “Please don’t tell anyone, please don’t tell Jungwoo or Jungeun or any of them, I didn’t even tell Jeno and Renjun that I was staying here–”

“You didn’t tell them you were here? Holy shit Mark, how bad did it get?”

“That doesn’t matter,” Mark says protectively. He doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s just something that he’ll deal with by himself. “I don’t want to talk about it, because it’s hard to talk about. I’ll leave tomorrow, I promise. I’ll talk to them and I’ll leave so you don’t have to deal with this anymore. I just don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s...it’s not your business.”

Yeri’s eyebrows rise slightly as her expression mellows out. She walks past him and closes the door to her room, then turns back around to face him. “And that right there is the problem with all of this, Mark,” she says as she gestures to the space between them, leaning back into her door.

“Yeah, and–wait, what? What’s...what’s the problem?” Mark frowns.

“The problem is that you don’t want to talk about it because you think it’s too hard to talk about,” Yeri says calmly. “You think it’s none of my business, but it is my business.”

“But it’s not, you don’t...you don’t even know what happened.”

“I may not know what happened, but what I do know is that it is my business,” Yeri firmly says. “As soon as you asked me if you could sleep over here, it became my business. How do you expect me to understand if you don’t want to talk about it? Sometimes you have to talk about the hard stuff because it’s the only way you’ll solve it.”

“I...I don’t understand,” Mark replies. “Nothing you said makes sense.”

“Well of course it doesn’t, because if it did, we wouldn’t have to have this conversation right now,” Yeri says bluntly, but there’s a small smile forming on her lips. “But here we are, having it.”

“Why are you smiling?” Mark asks nervously. “Yeri, why are you smiling?”

“Because this conversation we’ve been having right now, it’s been about hard stuff to talk about, right?” Yeri tells him. “Mark, you’re one of my best friends. Do you think I like having tough conversations like this one?”

Probably not, Mark thinks.

“No, I don’t,” Yeri continues. “I honestly would rather you just tell me what’s wrong and I just give you advice that pushes you in the right direction to let you do your own thing, so that you can fix your own problems. But since I can’t keep hoping you’ll do something about it, I’m talking about this so that I can help you out.”

“But why do you want to help me?” Mark asks her. “Why do you want to fix it when it’s not your problem, it’s just mine? You don’t have to deal with this.”

Mark doesn’t get it. Why does Yeri want to try fixing what happened between him and Donghyuck? That was no one’s fault but their own. Only Mark caused it, only Mark would fix it. That’s how it had to be. If he didn’t own up to it and clean up his own mess, he would never fix what had happened.

“Oh come on, do I have to say it again?” Yeri replies almost impudently. “It’s because I’m your _ friend _, Mark! And I don’t need any other reason to support you.”

“It can’t just be that simple though,” Mark says. “It can’t be, because…”

_ Because otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation right now _ , the gnawing voice says.

“Yes, it can be my only reason! What other reason do I need other than that you’re my friend and I care about you? You can make stupid decisions and do stupid things, and sometimes I’ll laugh at that. Sometimes I’ll be upset and angry about that. But when you need it, I’ll be your friend and I’ll always help you. And clearly, you need some help.”

The storm in Mark’s mind rages on, spinning into a huge vortex that twirls him round and round. He tries grasping onto something but there’s nothing to grab onto, just the loud whirring of his thoughts whipping him about violently all the way up to the dark clouds above.

“But I don’t need your help,” Mark says, but he doesn’t even believe that. “I...I just needed some time away from the apartment, that’s all.”

“Oh really?” Yeri raises an eyebrow skeptically. “Then tell me, Mark. What do you call me letting you sleep in my bed each night, because I know your back always hurt whenever you crashed on the couch in the living room?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, well what do you call me letting you stay without any explanation why, lying to everyone else that your apartment’s under construction, and I just let you in, no hard questions asked until now?”

“I don’t know, Yeri,” he repeats. “I don’t know what you’re trying to say.”

“Well, do you know what it’s called when I care about making sure you can go back to your apartment and that you’re actually okay with going back?”

“I...I don’t know, you tell me, I have no idea,” Mark tries avoiding her question.

“Well that’s okay, because I have an answer for you,” she tells Mark. “It’s called being your friend named Yerim Kim. It’s called helping your friend named Mark Lee. And I don’t care what you think, I _ am _your friend and nothing has changed that. Because I care about you.”

“But...how can you care about me when you said I’ve been an awful best friend?”

“Because my awful best friend is also an amazing best friend,” Yeri says warmly. “And you aren’t always awful, and you aren’t always amazing. And if you were truly awful all the time, I wouldn’t be your friend. But you’re not, and I still care about you because you’re not awful, Mark. You just have awful days. And I still care about you when you’re at your worst, awful days just as much as when you’re at your best ones.”

“It’s…” Mark says hesitantly, scared of saying the words because he doesn’t know how much weight they will carry, “it’s...you said...it’s not all or nothing?”

“No,” Yeri laughs. “It’s not. Because you can’t always be great. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has bad days. Even your best friends. And I know you’re scared, to be that close to someone, to have a friendship so perfect that you’re afraid of messing it up. I know how special they are to you, Mark. But it doesn’t matter, everyone messes up.”

“But, I messed up too much, I messed it up so bad,” Mark says shakily. “I...I really messed up everything with them, Yeri. It’s broken. It’s like breaking...it’s like glass breaking into a million pieces. You can’t...you can’t put that back together.” 

Yeri shakes her head and sighs, as if she knew Mark was going to say that. “Friendship isn’t fragile like glass, Mark Lee. It’s not something so beautiful that you’re afraid to handle or break. It’s sturdy, like a rock, it’s weathered some storms and it’ll weather more.”

“But I’m supposed to be their best friend–”

“No, what you want is to be their_ perfect _best friend. That’s what you want, Mark. A perfect friendship. And that’s why you’re always so scared of messing something up, because you think it won’t be perfect anymore. But here’s the thing, Mark. People aren’t perfect.”

“I know that Yeri! I know that people can’t always be perfect.”

“Exactly, you know that _ people _ can’t be perfect. People mess up, it happens. I mess up! But _ you’re _ people too, and you mess up too. You can’t always be perfect and you mess up, but then you make up, and we move on. That’s how it is. That’s how life works.”

“But it can’t be that simple?” Mark thinks out loud. “I can’t just mess stuff up and then everything just goes back to the way it is?”

“Of course it can be that simple! When you and I broke Chaeyoung’s favorite cup, did she hate us forever? No! She forgave us and we made it up to her, literally, we made her a new cup.”

“But...but that’s different,” Mark tries arguing. “That’s not the same thing as a serious fight.”

“Okay then, when I played that stupid prank on Jungwoo and Jungeun, and they were super upset with me, did they never talk to me again? No, because I admitted I was wrong and apologized to them. And we moved on.”

“But...but that was you, not me,” Mark says weakly, but he knows that’s not true. “I...I can’t make mistakes because then they’ll hate me for it. Like they do now. They hate me, Yeri.”

“But you have made mistakes, Mark! When you puked all over Yukhei’s bed after that one party, did he hate you forever after that? No, because after I got him to talk to you, you apologized and helped clean it up and he forgave you for that!”

“So it’s...it’s not all or nothing,” Mark finally says. “It isn’t always perfect.”

“And that’s how it’s always been,” Yeri answers him. “Because we can forgive. We set boundaries, we talk about things that hurt us, what we can work on, and how we can be better friends. Like how we had a serious talk about how I didn’t like you teasing me for my pigtails, so you apologized and stopped.”

“You’re still upset about that?”

“No, and that’s the point! I haven’t forgotten that it happened, but I’m not mad anymore and I’ve forgiven you. And we’ve both grown from that since.”

“But what if he doesn’t forgive me?” Mark wonders aloud, the biggest fear in him rising up to the eye of the storm and thinning out his voice. “What if they...what if they just hate me forever? This isn’t just like pulling your pigtails, Yeri, this is...this is like something a hundred times worse. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me for everything I did.”

“Then he hates you forever,” Yeri says bluntly. “He hates you, and you’ll just have to move on from that. You forgive, but don’t forget. And you just have to accept and respect that as his decision.”

Her words thunder through the night sky, sending bolts of lightning raining down on Mark as the rain showers done in a tremulous torrent. That’s his worst fear. That Donghyuck will never forgive him and he’ll lose his friends, the four of them, the people he cares so much about. He can’t lose them.

“But let me ask you something. Do you still think you can be friends?” she says. “When you showed up knocking on my door a week ago, looking like absolute shit, did you run away because you thought he’d never _ be _ your friend again, or because he’d never _ want _to be your friend again?”

“What’s the difference?” Mark asks.

“The difference is that either he never forgives you, or that you never give him the chance to forgive you because you’ll never forgive yourself, because that would mean admitting that you did something bad.”

“But...I don’t know if I can just do that,” Mark sighs. “Just because I forgive myself doesn’t mean he’ll forgive me. I know I did something awful, but...I can’t just pretend like everything is okay and that he’ll forgive me and things will go back to normal.”

“Then don’t,” Yeri replies. “Don’t pretend like it’ll go perfectly like you want it to and it’s going to be an easy fix. Admit to yourself that it won’t. That it’ll be hard and you’ll have to work on it. Because it’s hard to talk about, and you never want to talk about the hard stuff.”

“But what if he doesn’t want to talk about it?”

“Well, then he doesn’t. But newsflash, Mark. You think you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, but your friendship is the rock, and the real hard place is when you choose not to talk about this hard stuff.”

It’s like lightning let out of a bottle, smiting Mark smack in the face, crackling electricity through his veins and energizing the air around him.

“But it’s...it’s not that simple, I can’t just talk to him and give him the chance to forgive me, and then we just...we’re back to being friends again?” Mark murmurs nervously, standing back on the ground and feeling the rain-stormed earth touch his feet.

“You can be, if you both want to be friends. You just work on it like you do with anything in life. You said this is something a hundred times worse than normal, right? But it’s still just that, hard stuff,” Yeri says gently. 

“Just hard stuff,” Mark repeats softly.

“Yes. And I know it’s hard to admit what you did wrong, but if you can sincerely express how sorry you are, and talk with him about how you can make it up to him, then hopefully that’s enough for the two of you.”

“But I don’t know if that’s enough for him. I don’t think he can forgive me.”

“Would you be able to forgive him?” Yeri asks, taking Mark’s hands and rubbing them gently with her thumb.

“Yes,” he says without hesitation, looking her dead set in the eyes. “I would forgive him, I would do anything to fix this mess and see everyone again and just go back to being friends.”

“So what makes you think he won’t do the same for you?”

Thrown by the whiplash of the storm’s wind, he tries finding footing before he gets blown away by the dauntless current.

“But it’s so much harder to forgive me. I fucked up so bad, and I can’t just make it up that easily when so much happened and–”

“And what? It’s still hard, but when did you ever think it was going to be easy? It’s not, that’s my point, Mark,” Yeri says. “That’s what I’ve been trying to say. There’s no easy, perfect fix.”

“But–”

“But what? There is no _ but _, you just have to sit down and talk about it, and be honest with each other. And that’s why you guys are all friends, right? Because they’re honest, and you can count on them? Because they make you feel happy, and safe, and loved? Because they’ll support you through the hardest, most awful of times?”

In the darkest rage of the storm, in the blackest part of the night, for all the wild wind has whipped and scorned, Mark sees a glimmer of shining light. And he’s never felt so stupid in his life, but he’s also never felt more grateful.

“I...I think I just realized why we all have friends,” Mark nods sheepishly. 

“And why do we have friends?” Yeri smiles. “Why am I still your friend?”

“I just...I never realized why I had friends. I just always knew I liked having them as friends, but...I guess I never realized why. But now I do,” Mark concludes, smiling at Yeri as he looked her in the eyes. “It’s because we make each other happy. And because I can be honest with them. And with you. Even about the hardest things there are to talk about.”

Yeri claps her hands and smiles, relieved. “Congrats, you just figured it out! And I do genuinely mean it when I say this, I’m happy for you, and it may have been a long, painfully hard conversation to have with you, but I’m glad you know why your friends are there for you. And that if you can forgive yourself, then they can forgive you too.”

Then she crosses her arms, and Mark gulps.

“So, now that I just had this long, awful conversation with you about hard, awful stuff,” Yeri grins, a sincere grin on the rise but a mischievous glare in her eyes, “are you ready to have a long, awful conversation with me about what happened between you and Donghyuck?”

What? His mind discharges and his brain blows a fuse, exploding and sending his heartbeat flying as fast as a rocket jetting to outer space. _ Wait, how did she know it was Donghyuck? _ he thinks. _ I never even mentioned his name. _

“Oh please, I knew the moment you wouldn’t admit what happened the first night you came over here,” Yeri scoffed as if reading his mind from his reaction. “Who else would you get in this explosive of a fight with besides Donghyuck? Do you really think I’d believe Jeno or Jaemin could get in this big of a fight with you?” 

“Well...no, I guess, but how did you know it was Donghyuck?”

“Okay well, Renjun, that’s kinda believable, maybe Jaemin if you _ really _set him off, but really, out of all the four of them, only Donghyuck could pull you in so close and push you away so far.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mark yelps, cheeks burning suddenly, as if there’s a hidden implication to the words she chose.

“It means nothing,” Yeri replies coyly. “Why, do you want it to mean something?”

“Wha-no, no!” Mark sputters.

“Right,” she smirks.

“Okay okay okay okay, yeah, yeah, yes it was me and Donghyuck who got into a bad fight, okay, okay?” Mark stammers out flusteredly. “I’m sorry I didn’t want to talk about it. You made me realize that you can talk to your friends and be honest about stuff that’s hard to talk about. The hard stuff. I guess I was just being dumb.”

“You _ were _being dumb.”

“Yes, you’re right, I was being dumb. I should’ve talked to him. I should’ve stayed and talked it out. God, I’m so stupid.”

“What else is new,” Yeri snorts. “Now, stop avoiding it. No more running away from the hard stuff, okay? Tell me what happened between you and Donghyuck. Because I’m your friend, and I’m gonna help you fix it.”

“Thanks, Yeri,” Mark says sheepishly.

“No, no,” she waves off his thanks. “Thank you, for finally facing your fear.”

“What fear?”

“Talking about the hard stuff,” Yeri says to him tenderly. “You never want to do it. You always ran away from it and avoided talking about any bumps or problems with friendships. The only time you did it was when you wanted to move out to live with the four of them. And I really, really thought that things had changed after that.”

“They didn’t change?”

“Well, no, because here I am, still having to talk to you about it. We always had to coax it out of you. Do you know how hard it was to get Yukhei to initiate the conversation with you because you were too scared to talk to him, even though you were the one who puked on his bed? It’s been such a pain in the ass, trying to get you to talk every time.”

“But...but you did, just now? Right?” Mark asked confusedly. “Didn’t you initiate it, Yeri?”

“But the difference is now I’m not forcing you to now, Mark,” Yeri smiles. “Now you actually want to talk about the hard stuff, all the messy bumps and problems you have with Donghyuck right now, on your own accord. And for that, I’m proud of you, Mark Lee.”

He realizes she feels proud of him, and now he’s blushing bashfully.

“Of course, you’re still an absolute idiot because it took you this long to figure it out,” she adds candidly, “but at least now you’re less of an idiot for finally feeling good enough to talk to me about it on your own. And maybe with Donghyuck after.”

Mark laughs. “Guess I am actually learning something in college.”

“Now there’s a shocker, you actually learned something instead of just cramming it fifteen minutes before a midterm,” Yeri replies playfully. 

Mark smiles at that. And, for the first time, he feels the daylight peaking through the horizon after the end of a long, long storm clouding his mind. The rosethorn scars on his hands from the practice room tingle gently.

He's not out of the woods yet, but looking at it now, he can see the faintest hint of the storm clearing out on the horizon.

“So,” she pats the side of her bed and Mark goes and lies down next to her, “what’s all the hard stuff that happened between you and Donghyuck that had you crying yourself to sleep on the couch the first two nights you were here?”

“Oh my god, you heard that?” Mark groans.

She snickers mischievously. “I hear _a_ _lot _of things, Loser Lee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all for this week! Hope you enjoyed reading.
> 
> Next week's chapter isn't going to have any sections or lines about their fight – it focuses on other events, but I hope you enjoy reading about those as well!
> 
> Also, in case you missed it: here's the (American) Thanksgiving one-shot set in this universe: [It's Nice to Have a Friend(sgiving)!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21602752) It's written to be fun, comedic, and lighthearted, and is more focused on how '00 Line are a great recipe for best friends...and also a great recipe for absolute disaster LOL. 
> 
> As always, if you ever wanna ask about anything in this fic or the Loververse, you're more than welcome to ask me on [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues)!
> 
> One final thing – I decided to change this story's length to 13 chapters – I realized that one of the parts I had written for some of the lines in the bridge are pretty long, and some of them work better as their own stand-alone chapters.


	7. Love Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The audience cheers and Jaemin screams loudly for the two of them, Renjun even louder, Chenle the loudest and highest-pitched. 
> 
> “This will be the Mister Lees singing an acoustic version of Love Story, by Taylor Swift,” Mark says cheerfully. “We thought it was perfect for the fall weather. We hope you enjoy!”
> 
> “Let’s get it!” Donghyuck cheers happily into the microphone and the audience laughs and claps loudly again, knowing they’re in for a wonderful performance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Again, I would like to emphasize what I said in last week's note and that this story has a non-linear narrative – this chapter contains no continuation about their fight. However, overall we will continue to move towards future events, as well as follow-up on things brought up in previous chapters.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter! Once again, thank you all for the wonderful comments – I really appreciate them and love every single one of them!

** _Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?_ **

“Are we late?” Jisung asks as him and Chenle walk towards the auditorium.

“No, no, they haven’t gone yet, but they’re gonna be up soon!” Jaemin whispers as him and Jeno scramble over hurdles of legs to sit in their seats next to Renjun, who’s sitting next to Yeri and Yukhei. “Ah, sorry!”

“Wait, what are you sorry for?”

“No, not to you, Jisungie, to some lady whose legs I accidentally stepped on,” Jaemin mutters.

“Oh okay, we’re about five minutes away, think we’ll make it for their performance?”

“Yes but hurry! You don’t want to miss it, that’s the whole reason you guys are coming!” Jaemin whispers, taking his seat next to Jeno.

“Okay, we’re almost there, see you soon!” Jisung says as he hangs up the call.

Jaemin puts his phone in his pocket and adjusts his position in the seat.

“What took you so long?” Renjun asks them. “The showcase started like 20 minutes ago.”

“Sorry, sorry, it was my fault,” Jeno says, embarrassed. “I overslept and didn’t get ready until Jaemin woke me up like, twenty minutes ago when he came home.”

Renjun hums disapprovingly. “So typical of you.”

“Hey, it’s okay dude, I can definitely relate to that,” Yukhei says.

They stop talking and listen to the current performance. It’s an acoustic guitar piece, being performed by Yerim Choi, Jaemin recognizes her name in the program. She’s one of Donghyuck’s classmates he’s met before.

After she finishes her piece, there’s a huge round of applause and Mark sees a bunch of girls near the front row stand up and wave a bunch of banners. 

“Hey, isn’t that Jungeun? Down there?” Jaemin points her out to Yeri and Renjun. “And that’s Heejin sitting next to her.”

“Yeah, that’s Jungeun, she’s sitting down there with her friends,” Yeri replies.

“Oh, yeah, it is,” Jeno says. “Heejin is friends with Yerim, her and Hyunjin always talk about her. Hey, wait a minute...isn’t that Jiwoo next to her? That’s the girl who works with you at the coffee shop, right Jaemin? She’s kinda cute.”

“What? Oh, yeah, we work together, and yes, Jiwoo is  _ very _ cute. Wait, how does Heejin know Jiwoo?” Jaemin wonders out loud.

“And that’s Chaewon Park next to her,” Renjun adds. “She was in my project group for graphic design class this semester.”

“Are they all Jungeun’s friends? They must all be in a club or something,” Jeno asks.

“Huh, we all know one of them, isn’t that funny,” Jaemin says amusedly.

Wait a minute.

“Hey, Yeri?” Renjun turns towards her.

“What’s up?” 

“Do Jungeun and the girls down there all know Yerim?” Jeno asks them. “Are they all friends or something? Do they all know each other too?”

“Oh, that, yeah, a lot of them rushed a sorority together,” Yeri replies casually. 

“What?” Renjun says with disbelief. “They’re all in a sorority?”

“Wait, are those all Heejin’s sorority sisters?” Jeno asks.

“Well, not all of them ended up joining the sorority they were rushing, but I guess they all enjoyed rush so much that they ended up becoming friends. At least according to Jungeun.”

“But I thought Jungeun lived with you guys in your apartment?”

“You don’t have to live in the house to be in the sorority or frat,” Yukhei explains. “I mean yeah, I’m still in Sig Chi and Jungeun’s still in her sorority but no way in hell are we living in a house on Greek row again, you see some crazy shit there, man. Like, did Mark ever tell you the story about how I had to clean a bathtub full of spaghetti?”

“Ok, I  _ don’t  _ need to hear that story again, so please shut up Xuxi, I don’t want to have more nightmares about spaghetti sauce tonight,” Yeri shuts down the conversation immediately. 

Lucas simply shrugs. “I don’t blame you, bro. I got nauseous just thinking about it. Bathtub spaghetti. That’s some freaky shit.”

“Anyways, yeah, you don’t have to live in the sorority house to be a part of the sorority,” Yeri tells Renjun. “They’re all in ADPi. I think they have a group chat together? They call it Loona, or something like that, I can’t remember what Jungeun said. But yeah, Jungeun and Jiwoo are Heejin’s bigs, she got two for some reason.”

Holy shit, Jaemin thinks to himself. He feels like he’s just put together the biggest story in the history of knowing Mark. It’s the epiphany to end all epiphanies, the Enlightenment of their generation as the lightbulb goes off in his head.

Jungeun and Jiwoo are both Heejin’s bigs. Jiwoo knows Heejin. Jiwoo’s story about the red nose guy. Heejin telling him the story about trying to find one of her best friends.  _ Oh my god. Oh my god, Mark, you did not. Oh my god, he totally did. Mark, you idiot. _

And the best part? It’s not Donghyuck who knew all of this and figured it out. Jaemin can now claim that he’s the cleverest of them all. And he can’t wait to rub it in Donghyuck’s face that he knows something about Mark that’s completely secret to everyone else.

“Wait wait wait wait, backup,” Jaemin says with excited disbelief. “Jiwoo, Heejin, and Jungeun all know each other? They’re all sorority sisters together?”

“Yeah, why?” Yeri asks.

“Oh my god, do you know anything about what happened to Mark his sophomore year of Halloween?” Jaemin says like it’s a conspiracy, and they’re all about to learn some hot gossip. “Because Jiwoo recently told me all the messy details about their thing at work two weeks ago.”

“Wait, Jiwoo and Mark were a thing?” Yukhei asks impishly. “Bro, were they like a  _ thing  _ kind of thing or like more than a thing? Like, in each other’s thing kind of thing?”

“Oh my gosh, what? No, he never said anything about a thing with her! I never knew what happened to Mark that year on Halloween! Him and Jungeun always get flustered and they refuse to talk about it, apparently they hooked up or something that night? What happened between Mark and Jiwoo? Do you guys know something? Spill the tea,” Yeri says knavishly.

“Spill the tea? Don’t you mean the juice?” Jeno replies confusedly.

Now it’s Yeri’s turn to look confused. “The  _ what? _ ”

“He means the tea,” Jaemin explains. “It’s just a thing we say now. Everyone else calls it tea but after a really crazy party once with Renjun plus some jungle juice gone south, we just call the tea the  _ juice _ .”

“Oh my god, please don’t bring that up right now,” Renjun says.

“Okay so, first of all, ignoring how  _ bad _ that is,” Yeri retorts brazenly, “and please don’t ever say ‘the _juice_’ in front of me ever again, now there’s also a crazy party story with Renjun that I don’t know about? That involved jungle juice? You have to tell me everything.”

“Dude, even  _ I  _ don’t know what the hell you’re talking about with this jungle juice stuff,” Yukhei replies. “And I know almost every wild story about you from Kun.”

“Holy crap–wait, wait, backup, that story was about  _ Mark _ ?” Renjun asks, eyes wide. “In the story you told me that Jiwoo told you at work once? Oh my god, wait–”

“And that’s just part one to part two about Mark that I learned from Heejin,” Jaemin stares back at Renjun incredulously, a devilish glee running through him. “Heejin was telling me a story about one of her big’s best friends and I assumed it was someone I didn’t know, but when she was telling us about the reindeer – that was Mark! The two stories from Heejin and Jiwoo are both one big story about Mark, holy shit.”

Oh, they are never going to let Mark live this down.

“Wait, what story?” Jeno asks cluelessly.

“Fuck, Mark is so screwed once he knows that we know,” Jaemin cackles evilly. “Oh my god, do you think Mark knows that I work with Jiwoo? And Jiwoo knows Heejin? And I know both of them? Does he know that I know what Heejin and Jiwoo know?”

“That’s too many ‘knows’ dude, you’re giving me a headache,” Yukhei whines. 

“Oh my god, I cannot believe this day finally came, the day I get to  _ really  _ expose Mark Lee,” Jaemin cackles gleefully. “The story that Jiwoo told me was bad but the other part of it that Heejin told me is even  _ more _ embarrassing, oh my god, I can’t believe it’s about Mark, we’ll tell you after their performance, Mark’s gonna kill us but it’s so funny, I’m laughing just thinking about it.”

“Wait, what?” Jeno says confusedly. “What happened between Jiwoo and Mark? Why is there a part one and part two? What does Heejin know? Do they know each other? Why didn’t you guys tell me anything? What does Renjun know that you know that Jiwoo knows but I don’t know?”

“Oh my god, can you both stop saying ‘know’ already and just tell us because I don’t know!” Yeri complains. “Jaemin you are seriously the worst, talking about this and none of us even know what you’re talking about. Just tell us what happened!”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe it–”

“So ladies, gentlemen, and folks of other persuasions,” Donghyuck and Mark’s music professor begins to say, “sorry for the delay with the technical issues, but we’re now getting on with the next part of our music program’s autumn showcase! So, won’t you please give a warm welcome to the next of tonight’s Dream Acts from the music department, starting with Haechan Lee and Mark Lee, or as they like to call themselves, The Mister Lees!”

“Crap, that’s them!” Jeno exclaims. “Where are Jisung and Chenle?”

“Hey, there they are!” a voice shouts loudly at them.

As if on cue, they all turn to their left and see Chenle waving at them at the end of the aisle and an embarrassed-looking Jisung as they make their way through the aisle.

“Oh my god, that was so loud,” Jaemin snickers as they all tried to stifle their giggles. “Did Chenle even realize how loudly he said it?”

“That was so bad,” Renjun laughs. “Gosh, that’s so embarrassing, like what my mom would do at my performances sometimes.”

“Wait, what performances?” Jeno asks. “You used to perform?”

“Oh Jeno, there’s so much you don’t know,” Renjun coos affectionately as he pinches Jeno’s cheeks, Jeno yelping in recoil at the sensation. “You’re so innocent.”

“Shhh, what are you guys so loud for?” Chenle shushes them loudly. “Mark and Donghyuck are about to go on stage! Oh my gosh look, there they are!!! So cute.”

“You’re talking kind of loudly, Lele,” Jisung whispers to him.

Mark and Donghyuck walk across the stage and sit down in two chairs in the middle of the stage. The audience claps, Yeri and Jaemin and the rest of Mark’s apartment mates, old and new, cheer loudly for them.

“Hi, everyone!” Mark says into his mic. “I’m Mark Lee, and this is my duet partner, Haechan Lee. I don’t really sing that well, so I’m just the guy with the guitar who sometimes raps, although this definitely isn’t that kind of performance,” he admits, and the audience laughs.

“But, my best friend over here is the one with the amazing voice, so we decided to prepare a song for you together!”

The audience cheers and Jaemin screams loudly for the two of them, Renjun even louder, Chenle the loudest and highest-pitched. 

“This will be the Mister Lees singing an acoustic version of Love Story, by Taylor Swift,” Mark says cheerfully. “We thought it was perfect for the fall weather. We hope you enjoy!”

“Let’s get it!” Donghyuck cheers happily into the microphone and the audience laughs and claps loudly again, knowing they’re in for a wonderful performance.

* * *

** _With every guitar string scar on my hand_ **

There’s a knock on the practice room door. “Mark?”

Mark looks up from his guitar and sees Haechan waving at him through the door window.

“Oh, hey!” He gets up to open the door and let him in. “How’s your day been so far?”

“Ah, it’s been alright. You?”

“Yeah, same. It’s been okay!”

Haechan doesn’t say anything in response, just nods. Mark wishes he would try to make small-talk at least. He would feel less awkward if Haechan at least pretended to like him.

“So, did you decide on the artist for our project?” Haechan asks.

“Uh, I was thinking, maybe we could do...Taylor Swift?”

Haechan makes a face. “Taylor Swift?”

“Well, the project said we had to do an analysis of an analysis of how major songs or artists impact the music within their era,” Mark points out. “Isn’t she one of the biggest pop stars in the world right now?”

“I mean, I guess…”

“We can do something else though!” he adds hastily. “It doesn’t have to be Taylor Swift, uh, I, just, that’s who I thought of when we first picked our project so...yeah?”

***

Mark wishes it wasn’t this awkward between them.

It’s not like he can’t stand Haechan. On the contrary, he actually wants to get to know him better. But he’s not sure if Haechan feels the same way. 

After all, they hadn’t exactly started out on the best of terms – Mark realized on the first day of class that he had accidentally knocked Haechan’s coffee all over his t-shirt that morning. Yes, it was his fault that he was running late for class and wasn’t looking where he was going as he rode his bike that morning. But it wasn’t his fault that he had to drop off files at Yukhei’s internship after he’d texted Mark that he’d forgotten the folder on their kitchen table. And that his internship was the opposite way to class.

Still, it is his fault for running into Haechan that morning and barely half-assing an apology to him, but Yukhei’s internship was another ten minutes in the opposite direction, and he didn’t want to be super late on his first day of class.

Mark just thought that Haechan was going to be someone in his class he never talked to and would just awkwardly acknowledge whenever he saw him around campus. Just an afterthought in his brain and someone he would forget about as time passed on. But Professor Park had other plans in mind, because halfway into their course, she had assigned partners for their final project and had paired him and Haechan up for it.

Their first conversation was nothing short of awkward.

“Uh, hi, I’m Mark,” Mark extended his hand. “We’re project partners.”

“Haechan Lee,” he said back with a bit of an accent. Haechan did not try to shake his hand.

“Oh, uh, cool! We have the same last name,” he tried laughing lightheartedly, but it clearly fell flat by the look on Haechan’s face. “That’s kind of funny. I guess?”

Haechan, unamused, simply stared back at Mark disapprovingly.

“Uh, anyways, we uh, have this project together and uh–”

“Do you speak Korean?” Haechan asked him.

“Yes, would you prefer that over English?” he replied back in Korean.

“I would.”

“Alright. We can talk in Korean.”

Again, there was another haphazard pause in their conversation.

“So, uh, I actually have to go, I have to meet some friends after class for lunch and uh–”

“It’s fine, should we just exchange numbers?”

“Oh! Oh, yeah, sure! Let’s do that.”

“Okay.”

Haechan took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Mark. Mark entered his number into the phone and then handed his phone to Haechan so he could do the same.

Afterwards, Mark had said, “Okay, well, I’ll, uh, see you soon!” before making a beeline straight to the door and out of the classroom. He had never been so grateful that he had agreed to go with Chaeyoung and Jungwoo to get twelve dollar avocado toast for lunch earlier that day.

***

“Well, if we did Taylor Swift, what song would it be?” Haechan asks him. “I only know two of her songs well enough to sing them.”

“Oh! Which two songs?”

“Love Story and the one about haters?”

“Shake It Off?”

“I think so.”

“Uh...we’ll just do Love Story,” Mark says. “Since you at least know the name of the song.”

“Okay. Let me pull up the lyrics really quick.” He types on his phone.

“Do you need me to change the key or–”

“No, the original is fine.”

“Okay.”

Again, Mark wishes that their conversations weren’t so short and curt.

But they are.

He starts strumming the chords on his guitar and looks at Haechan intently. However, Haechan doesn’t look up from his phone and he doesn’t start singing, even when Mark tries humming the melody to try and jog his memory. Eventually, Mark starts to feel a bit exasperated and stops playing. He tries asking Haechan what’s wrong.

“Uh, is everything okay?”

“Yes.”

“Then why aren’t you singing?”

“You keep staring at me,” Haechan says awkwardly. “It’s really weirding me out.”

Oh.

He didn’t even realize he had been staring.

“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable,” Mark looks down sheepishly.

“Could you...could you try playing your guitar with your eyes closed?”

“Oh...uh, well, I could try? But I don’t know if I would get it right.”

“Oh.”

Again, there’s another pause that goes on for too long.

“What if I just turned around and played without facing you?”Mark asks.

“No,” Haechan says, “it wouldn’t work. Because then I can’t see that your eyes are closed.”

“You just don’t want me to see anything while you sing?”

“Can you just try for now? Sorry, it would make me feel less...weird, singing in front of you.”

“Is it because of the staring thing? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Honestly...yes, sorry, it's just...I don’t like singing in front of strangers.”

_ What is this strange feeling? _

Hearing Haechan call him a stranger, and not even a classmate or an acquaintance, kinda hurt more than Mark thought it would. It’s also a bit discouraging that Haechan thinks it’s weird to sing in front of him. Is Haechan that insulted by his presence? Does he think Mark is weird or unworthy to hear him sing? Or is it just him being weird about everything today?

“Okay, yeah, I’ll try,” he says as he shuts his eyes and feels the strings on the guitar.

He pretends he can see, and that the strings he envisions in his mind transform into a tactile sensation he can recall. His fingers trace the guitar strings slowly, positioning themselves in the chords that he tries to remember, unsure of how much is correct and how much is just his fingers pretending to know what they’re doing.

After about ten seconds adjusting to the feeling of open ears and closed eyes, Mark tries playing the chords, listening very intently to the sound quality that each strum of the guitar brings. D major, A major, B minor, G major. It’s typical, and it’s something that comes natural on the guitar, but he still has to think about every chord he makes – it’s much more difficult to do it when he only has his hands and not his eyes. He relies on muscle memory to take him through the progression.

And then Haechan starts singing.

"We were both young, when I first saw you, I closed my eyes, and the flashbacks start, I'm standing there..."

Mark isn’t sure what comes over him but it immediately feels like a trance.

Haechan’s voice is beautiful. There’s no other way to describe it. It’s slightly nasally, but not so much that it’s glaring. It’s so clear, so soothing, but there’s something magnetic about it that keeps his attention. He’s never heard a timbre so distinct and sharp yet soft and fluid. 

"So I sneak out to the garden to see you..."

Mark keeps his eyes closed, imagining what Haechan looks like in his head. In his mind, he’s not in the music room anymore, and Haechan fades away from his imagination – he’s in a forest, painted green and ochre with a pastel blue sky poking out above in between the crevices of the canopy leaves. He walks through, the soft crunch of fallen leaves heard underneath his feet. Haechan isn’t there, but his voice is like a slow and gentle breeze, guiding him forward in the path among the trees. 

He starts humming the melody quietly to himself. If Haechan can hear him, he doesn’t seem to mind, because he continues to sing the second verse of the song.

The path leads him to a garden of roses. The clouds cover the sky above, and he realizes the roses are not blooming. They are dry and desiccated. He reaches out to touch them but the thorns lash out and dig into his hands, blood running down his fingers.

"I got tired of waiting...wondering if you were ever coming around...my faith in you was fading..."

Then Haechan gets to the bridge, and the key changes and suddenly it rains. But he doesn’t feel wet, he feels...warm. The breeze has stopped, and he looks around him and the roses sprout and bloom into towers of stems and blossoms miles and miles above him. He begins to feel himself float into the sky, and the thorns graze him but don’t prick past his skin. He realizes that, from above, the garden of roses he found himself in was blossoms that make an impression of Haechan’s face onto the landscape.

Mark thinks it's one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen.

Then Haechan stops singing, his fingers halt, and he opens his eyes. 

Mark doesn’t know why his heart keeps beating fast. The song is over, the vision is gone, and he’s back in the practice room. The wooden piano bench he sits on reminds him of where he is. The white faded walls surround the room, remind him that he’s just in the music hall, and it’s just him and Haechan here.

But his hands have scars of thorns, and the scent of a floral breeze. It still feels warm. He closes his eyes just for a moment – the roses are still there.  


Why does he feel like this? Why does his heart keep beating so fast? 

Haechan clears his throat, and he looks and sees him staring at him awkwardly. Mark suddenly realizes he hasn’t said anything ever since Haechan stopped singing and feels embarrassment hot on his face.

“Uh, sorry, sorry, uh...wow, you were really good,” Mark finally says.

“Uh, thank you.”

More silence.

“I think it’s perfect.”

“Oh, uh, thank you?”

“No, seriously,” Mark says. “I think this is the song we should use for our project.”

* * *

** _I take this magnetic force of a man to be my..._ **

“I don’t know what you guys are mad about,” Jaemin shrugs nonchalantly. “You were all aware of this deal. Even if I didn’t tell you explicitly, you all should have put two and two together sooner. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one, Renjun.”

“We were not aware!” Renjun says. “You can’t just tell me you have Jeno as your new backup when you actually don’t! Do you know how long I’ve planned our backup wedding, Jaemin? You can’t just throw everything we had away!”

“Wait, you actually planned it?” Jaemin pouts cutely. “Oh my god, you care about me that much? Wow, that’s so sweet!”

“And you lied to me!” Mark glares at Jaemin crankily. “You told me I could be Hyuck’s backup but you lied to both me and Renjun! And Jeno too!”

“Okay, well, to be fair, Jaemin never told me anything, so technically he never lied,” Jeno says.

“But don’t you see, it all makes sense,” Jaemin replies coolly.

“What do you mean, it all makes sense?” Donghyuck asks impatiently.

“Seriously, Nana, explain yourself right now,” Renjun demands.

“Okay, so, we were all each other’s backups, right?” Jaemin says.

“Well, yeah,” they all agree.

“We had a whole dumb thick New Deal,” Renjun retorts.

“Oh my god, Renjun, just, please don’t ever say dumb thick again, it just...it doesn’t suit you,” Donghyuck says botheredly. 

“But that was  _ before  _ we were all friends with Mark,” Jaemin continues. “And then, two nights ago when I was rewatching that episode of Friends with him, you know what I realized? I realized that we don’t have our backups backed up! And that we’re not good for each other as backups. So we had to cancel the whole New Deal.”

What?

“What?” Renjun spits out confusedly. “That’s not what you told me!”

“That literally makes no sense,” Donghyuck says flatly.

“No, but it does! Because like, what if I lose Renjun because he finds a hot art student that fulfills his whole manic pixie girl fantasy–”

“I do  _ not  _ have a manic pixie girl fantasy!”

“–whose parents have a trust fund or something and then I don’t have a backup anymore?” Jaemin explains. “And then what? I’m forty and single, Renjun is married and rich, and suddenly I don’t have a backup? What if the economy is bad? That makes me broke, single,  _ and  _ needy, and that’s definitely not a hot look when I’m forty, you guys. And then it’s like, what’s the point of having backups anyways when they’re not going to work because they’ll ditch you for a hot trust fund baby who moonlights as a manic pixie girl?”

“Oh my god, Yuqi Song,” Jeno gasps in realization. “The art student in his–”

“I do  _ not  _ have a manic pixie girl fantasy!” Renjun snaps as he smacks Jeno behind the head.

“That still doesn’t explain why you tricked Renjun into having  _ all  _ of us lose our backups,” Donghyuck argues. “Maybe you wanted to back up your backup, or whatever, but we didn’t. We all agreed to the New Deal about the backups. You were the only one who agreed to this Newer Deal of no backups!” 

“So what? Deals can be changed,” Jaemin says. “Milkshake agreement, remember?”

“Uh, not without telling us first! You tried snaking your way out of this, Na Snake-min. That’s not gonna fly in your guy’s marriage, by the way,” Donghyuck flits his finger between Renjun and Jaemin. “Trust is like the backbone of all lasting marriages, just so you’re aware, Injunnie.”

“Eh, it’s whatever. He’s just a backup,” Renjun replies to him dismissively.

“ _ Just  _ a backup?” Jaemin repeats. “I’m just a backup? See, this is the kind of backtalk that’s not gonna fly when we’re married! And that’s why the Newer Deal is that there is no deal. You guys keep backtalking.”

“Hello? We shook on it!” Jeno says, dumbfounded. “You can’t just go back on the New Deal! We even did the whole secret handshake! That seals the deal as a promise we won’t break! Like the ice cream promise we made!”

“Wait, you guys have a secret handshake? Is  _ that  _ what a milkshake agreement is? That’s why you guys keep yelling about milkshake agreements? And you have an ice cream promise? Why have I not been included in any of this,” Mark asks, crossing his arms.

“It’s B.L.L,” Donghyuck waves him off.

“B.L.L?”

“Before Loser Lee,” Renjun tells him. Mark’s eyes go wide. “We weren’t all like  _ friends _ with you then, you know? Just Donghyuck was. You were still just an acquaintance. Come on, I thought you knew this already.”

“Waitwaitwaitwaitwait– I’m _ Loser _ Lee?” Mark’s jaw almost drops on the table, arms falling to his side in disbelief. “You guys nicknamed me Loser Lee behind my back? I thought my nickname was Beloved Lee!”

“Well, yeah, because you’re a loser and your last name is Lee, duh,” Donghyuck rolls his eyes when Mark stares at him with a look of betrayal. “What? Don’t get offended, it’s not a big deal. Technically it should’ve been Stupid Lee, since  _ stupidly _ is an actual word, but Loser Lee just rolls off the tongue better and it just suits you more. Right, Jeno?”

“Wait, you guys  _ all  _ use this nickname? You all think I’m a loser?” The fact that he sounds so dejected about it just proves to Donghyuck that Mark is, in fact, a loser.

“What, did you think we were friends with you because we thought you were a cool kid or something?” Jaemin says amusedly. “You’re kind of just a massive dork ninety percent of the time.”

“Hey! Well, actually...I think Yeri said something like that when I first told them I was moving out,” Mark says. “But that means I’m cool the other ten percent!”

Jeno laughs and shakes his head. “Well, Donghyuck is Witty Lee, I’m Cheerful Lee, and you’re Loser Lee. No offense. But to be fair, you kinda are the biggest loser out of the three of us. And it just rolls off the tongue and it really does suit you. I mean, the whole bees and math thing? Seriously dude? You actually believed that?” Jeno snickers.

“That doesn’t mean that Loser Lee should be my nickname!” Mark whines in protest. “You guys are bullying me. Calling me a loser, what kind of best friends are you?”

“Uh, honest best friends? At least we’ll tell you the truth straight to your face,” Jaemin says smugly. “And come on, Mark, I told Yeri about it and she thought it was hilarious.”

“I-wait, you told Yeri?!” Mark groans. “Jaemin, why! Now all of my friends are gonna call me Loser Lee too! I don’t need that from Yukhei and Jungeun and–”

“Whatever, Loser Lee, we’re getting sidetracked here,” Renjun snaps, “you’re supposed to be mad at Jaemin, not at us for calling a spade a spade here.”

“But I am cool and I’m not a loser–”

“Anyways,” Renjun cuts Loser Lee’s complaining off, “You should be used to my back talking anyways, Jaemin, because that was part of our New Deal anyways, you know, when we all shook on it, B.L.L?”

“I’m  _ not  _ a loser!”

“Okay but see? See how you guys didn’t even tell Mark he was Loser Lee and now it’s causing rifts and trust issues between you too?” Jaemin sighs dramatically. “It’s a whole problem! I realized I can’t handle that in a marriage! So, I decided that I would back out, and according to the milkshake rules, if someone backs out, then the handshake is broken and a newer deal has to be formed, per our September 23rd milkshake amendment.”

“Wait...what? I don’t get it,” Jeno says. 

“Wait, you guys have milkshake  _ amendments  _ now too?”

“Again, before–”

“Stop calling me a loser! Also Jaemin you’re the one who literally just told Yeri my nickname was Loser Lee,” Mark complains. “Isn’t that backtalking? That’s not fair.”

“You don’t even know what backtalking means, Mark,” Donghyuck says. 

“But yeah, what Mark said, that’s not fair!” Renjun adds. “Well, the Loser Lee thing, that’s actually fair–”

“Hey!”

“–but you can’t just use the milkshake agreement and amendment like that! That’s not what it was made for.”

Donghyuck, incredibly annoyed at how much of a hypocritical idiot Jaemin is, decides that he’s going to point out the fact that Jaemin is a hypocritical idiot since he doesn’t seem to be realizing it.

“Also literally  _ none  _ of this makes sense,” Donghyuck says disdainfully, frowning with disapproval. “Do you even realize what you’re saying Jaemin? You are so annoying.”

Jaemin laughs mockingly at that. “I’m annoying? That’s rich, coming from you,” he says sarcastically. “And yes, I’m saying that I’m not going to trust you guys in a marriage if we can’t be straightforward with another, and we don’t have backups to our backups, so the backups are not backed up anymore,” he states as if this is obvious. 

“Uh, sorry, no.”

“Uh, sorry, yes. No more backups. It’s better for all of us, anyways.”

“Uh, sorry, back up. So because you don’t like that we aren’t being straightforward and are backtalking, and you think that we can’t change that since the backups can’t be backed up…” Donghyuck draws out slowly, so that everyone, even Mark, can understand his point.

“I changed the deal, yes, what doesn’t make sense?” Jaemin asks impatiently. “I backed out of the New Deal. I’m allowed to do that. The milkshake was a chocolate one. The milkshake agreement and amendment allows me to. I made a new one with Renjun a couple nights ago. The deal is sealed.”

“The milkshake agreement doesn’t matter, because since you think we  _ can’t change _ , you decided that _our _ _ backups  _ can’t be backed up,” Donghyuck repeats again for emphasis, “ _ backups  _ which we  _ all  _ chose, and instead of talking straight with us...you went behind our backs... _ changing  _ our New Deal...and  _ backtalking  _ it…which is what  _ you _ were scared Renjun would do to you behind your back...” 

He pauses for dramatic effect, and before Jaemin realizes what’s going and Donghyuck is calling out his hypocrisy and tries defending himself, he continues on. 

“And so you, opposed against all of this backtalk...went ahead and basically backtalked all our backups...when your whole back-point...was that all of us  _ except  _ you were backtalking and that wouldn’t fly for you in a backup...but you literally went back and then back-acted out your own fears of us by _ backtalking _ your backup,” Donghyuck finishes monologuing scornfully, more condemning than that one religious cult leader on campus who shouted at everyone that they were going to hell. 

He decides to let that marinate with all of them for a bit. Jaemin’s eyes go wide when the entire hypocrisy of the backup situation hits him in the back of the head, realizing he didn’t think this far ahead and might have been a bit rash in his decision making. Jeno and Mark, cute as they might be, are taking a bit longer to comprehend what exactly Donghyuck is saying.

Mark raises his hand. “Uh, sorry, what’s a back-point and what’s back-acting?”

Renjun, who’s always been the most perceptive among them, takes about five seconds to understand what Donghyuck just said before yanking Jaemin out of his seat at the kitchen table and shaking him by the collar of his t-shirt, to which Jaemin responds by wailing loudly in protest.

“NA JAEMIN, YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL SKANK ASS SNAKE!” Renjun bellows, Jaemin totally disconcerted at the sudden attack. 

“Wait, Renjun, don’t attack him!” Jeno says.

“Injunnieeeee let go of meeee!!!!” Jaemin wails loudly in his aegyo voice.

“Oh my god stop using that voice,” Mark grimaces uncomfortably, “please  _ please  _ don’t use your aegyo right now, Jaemin, please–”

“Jaemin, you backtalked and back-acted on me this entire time, you fucking hypocrite,” Renjun seethes. “You are the worst backup in the world!”

“Injunnieeeeeeeee–”

“Seriously, stop using that voice!”

“Junnie, let go of him!”

“And you thought  _ I  _ would be the one to backtalk the backup and chase after a hot art student with a trust fund before I’m forty?” Renjun seethes furiously. “Forget the wedding plans, forget the prenup, forget the manic pixie girl fantasy, oh my god you idiot I hate you, I fucking swear–”

Suddenly the front door – with Jaemin’s keys still in it – opens and Jisung is walking through the doorway of their apartment. “Hey Jaemin, sorry, someone let me into the apartment complex, and your keys were in the door and, uh, uh…” Jisung trails off.

Renjun is grabbing Jaemin by the collar. Jeno is tugging on Renjun’s hoodie. The three of them are all now staring back at Jisung, frozen in place.

“Uh...is this–is this a bad time?” he squeaks out in a high-pitched voice.

They’re all looking at Jisung with wide, disbelieving eyes. Jisung stares back with equal disbelief, briefly wondering if he should actually move into this apartment next year, or just live by himself in a storage unit instead. At least the storage unit would be peaceful.

“Uh...um,” Jisung says awkwardly. “Uh...uh, sorry, Jaemin, sorry everyone, for uh, uh, walking in on, uh...uh, but, uh, Jaemin, uh, you, uh, you forgot to take your, uh, um, your uh, um, wallet back–”

“JISUNGIE SAVE MEEEEE,” Jaemin wails as he escapes Renjun’s iron grip and hides behind poor Jisungie.

“NANA YOU ARE NOT USING YOUR CLUELESS FRESHMAN AS A HUMAN MEAT SHIELD!” Renjun bellows and Jisung actually screams as he sees Renjun lunge forward to tackle him.

“No, Renjun, don’t! Don’t!!! Think of the children! Think of our apartment lease! Think of the rent! We can’t scare him off from living with us next year!” Jeno grabs onto Renjun’s sweater collar to stop him from slide tackling both of them as Jisung cowers back in fear. 

“Jeno get off of me RIGHT NOW! I’m going to kill him RIGHT NOW! Jaemin is not using Jisung to get out of trouble again! Not this time!” Renjun shouts. 

Jeno still holds Renjun back. “He’s just a child, Injunnie! We need him! We need the lower rent! The landlord adores him! Boa will do it just for Jisung, Junnie! We can’t lose him!”

“OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH,” Mark panics, “DONGHYUCK DO SOMETHING STOP THEM–”

“Why do I have to do something?!?” Donghyuck yells back. “Jaemin messed up the backup situation, I’m not the hypocrite here, Loser Lee! And this is your fault anyway!”

“Don’t call me that!” Mark yelps. “How is this my fault!”

“You’re the one that rewatched the Friends episode with him two days ago and got him rethinking our backups!”

“Jaemin what did you do this time?!?!?!?” Jisung wails nervously. 

**“** NA JAEMIN!!!”

“Renjun–wait, Junnie, no!”

“ _ Jisunggieeeeeeee _ !!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week you'll find out what happens when Mark finally goes back to their apartment.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this week's chapter! The follow-up structure (i.e. linking back to previous events) will sort of be used as this fic continues to be updated.
> 
> I may/may not do a double update when Chapter 9 is supposed to be posted (two weeks from now) as a sort of Christmas gift – I'll keep you posted on that!
> 
> As always, if you ever wanna ask/comment to me directly about anything in this fic or the Loververse, you're more than welcome to send me something on [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues)!


	8. Daylight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark inhales sharply as he stops in front of the apartment door. Suddenly he feels his nerves getting to him. He can’t do this. He can’t, it’s too hard. He’ll screw everything up again, he’ll just end up making things worse, and then they’ll all hate him more than they already do. He shouldn’t have listened to Yeri. He should’ve just never come back home.
> 
> No, Mark steels himself, trying to drown out his doubts. You have to face this. Stop doubting yourself. You have to face this, there’s no turning back.
> 
> Mark takes his keys out of his pocket, and unlocks the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's where you get to see what happens when Mark is finally honest about what happened, and what happens when he goes back to make up for his fight with Haechan.
> 
> I already showed you what happens when they handle those feelings irrationally and pretty poorly and in the heat of the moment. This is what happens when Mark tries to apologize for being wrong, instead of yelling that he's not the only one who's been wrong. 
> 
> OR: here's where you get to see why Hurt/Comfort is one of the tags for this fic ahahahaha.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

** _My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue_ **

Mark calls Jaemin. He picks up. “Hey, Nana.”

“Hey, Loser Lee,” Jaemin replies playfully. “What’s up?”

“Is uh...is Donghyuck home?”

Jaemin pauses on the other line. “No, he’s not. Why?”

“Oh. Uh...I think I’m coming back home now.”

“Oh. Do you need me to get your–”

“No, Jaemin, I meant...I mean I’m gonna come back now. I’m not going to be sleeping over somewhere else now. I’m...going to come home for good now.”

“Oh.” Jaemin pauses again.

“Are Jeno and Renjun home too?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, uh...I think I need to talk to you guys. About everything. I’m sure Donghyuck has already told you what happened but, uh...I think I need to tell you guys everything too. And then...then I’ll finally talk to Donghyuck, when he gets back home.”

“No, yeah, of course, I understand,” Jaemin replies nonchalantly, but it’s hard to know how Jaemin feels about that when he can’t see him face to face, read his expressions.

“I’m sorry, about everything,” Mark says softly. “You guys shouldn’t have to go through this.”

“Don’t worry about it Mark, just...come home as soon as you can, okay?”

“Okay. I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.”

“I’ll see you soon, Mark.”

“See you, Jaemin.”

Mark punches in their apartment number and the speaker rings. 

“Hello?” Jeno says on the other end. 

“Hey, it’s Mark. Jaemin told you I was coming, right?”

“Oh, yeah, hey, uh...I’ll let you in.” The buzzer goes off and the door unlocks, and Mark makes his way into the apartment complex. Each step feels more difficult to climb than the last, taking more effort to push forward. But he has to. He needs to make amends. 

_ So what makes you think he won’t do the same for you? _

Yeri’s words echo in the back of his mind. 

He has to do this. There’s no running away. He has to face the hard stuff.

Mark inhales sharply as he stops in front of the apartment door. Suddenly he feels his nerves getting to him. He can’t do this. He can’t, it’s too hard. He’ll screw everything up again, he’ll just end up making things worse, and then they’ll all hate him more than they already do. He shouldn’t have listened to Yeri. He should’ve just never come back home.

_ No _ , Mark steels himself, trying to drown out his doubts.  _ You have to face this. Stop doubting yourself. You have to face this, there’s no turning back. _

Mark takes his keys out of his pocket, and unlocks the front door.

He’s thrown off guard when he opens the door and sees Donghyuck sitting down at the kitchen table, looking at him intently, a neutral expression guarding his face.

The blood rushes out of his brain and he feels the world go numb around him.

He sees Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun in the hallway to their rooms, looking at the two of them nervously, but they all look cautiously optimistic, in a way. Renjun only has a small smile, but it’s better than nothing. Jeno simply grins and gives him a thumbs up. Jaemin shrugs good-naturedly.

“You said you wanted to talk to Donghyuck when he got back home,” Jaemin says tenderly. “But we were just waiting for you to get here.”

There’s a swirl of emotions simmering up in his stomach, and he’s scared he’s going to break or say the wrong thing, end up breaking and never get to what he needs to say.

But the three of them just glance knowingly at him, and then Renjun and Jaemin retreat into Jaemin’s room. Jeno still looks at both of them carefully.

“If you need us, we’re here for you guys,” Jeno smiles back. “Just...try to talk to each other, okay? You two deserve to hear each other out, at the very least.”

Then he shuts the door behind him.

Donghyuck speaks first.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Mark replies back nervously, chest beating loudly in his chest, ringing in his ears.

“Do you wanna sit down?” Donghyuck gestures toward the chair next to him. His voice is toneless, no emotion conveyed, sounding forlorn and far away.

“Uh...uh…”

Mark doesn’t know.

“Actually, can we just um...sit on the couch?” He points to it.

“Would that be more comfortable for you?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Mark went to go sit on one end of the couch. Donghyuck had gotten up to sit on the other end. Their feet are close, but don’t quite touch. 

It’s been five minutes. Each minute passes, but nothing is said. Mark knows he has to be the one to talk first. He’s the one who started it, so he has to be the one who finishes it. Finally, Mark musters up the courage to talk.

“So...should I go first?” Mark asks nervously.

“It’s up to you,” Donghyuck replies neutrally. “If you think you should go first, you can. But if you don’t want to, I can.”

“I think...I think I should go first.”

“Okay.”

Mark breathes in, then breathes out, but some of the air gets trapped in his chest and he feels it caving in on him, seizing and threatening to strangle his feelings. He’s so scared, that Donghyuck will forever be angry with him, upset at him for not coming for so long, leaving instead of facing him. For screaming at him and saying horrible, horrible things to him. He’s scared Donghyuck won’t ever forgive him, that this is all for nothing, that he’s too late to fix this.

It’s not all or nothing? Mark had asked.

No. It’s not. Because you can’t always be great. Everyone makes mistakes.

That’s what Yeri had said.

“I made a lot of mistakes,” Mark begins. “I’ve made...a lot of stupid decisions, in these past three months. Ignoring you, pretending it was okay when it wasn’t, not being honest with you...it was really, really stupid of me.”

Donghyuck only looks back at him quietly. His lack of response just makes Mark more certain that he’ll never be forgiven. Donghyuck will never be able to forgive him.

“And...and...this is...this is all something I wish I could take back,” he continues, struggling to keep himself calm. “I wish I could just go back in time, tell myself how stupid I was, and just have this never happen. But it did, and it...it was stupid. I was stupid.”

It’s too late, the water rises above the bridge and now it’s flooding over the cobbles, spilling over and he starts to feel tears well in his eyes. Donghyuck refuses to look at him in the eyes now, staring at the kitchen table instead. Donghyuck doesn’t even move.

He messed everything up so bad. This was his one chance to make things right, and he failed.

“I’m so sorry, Donghyuck,” he chokes out between tears, unable to bring himself to look at Donghyuck anymore. “I was so, so awful to you, and it wasn’t fair of me, at all. A-and, I..I, I don’t know if I-I’ll ever be able to make it up t-to you, but I-”

He’s cut off by arms wrapping around him tightly, pulling him into a hug, Donghyuck clutching him close to his chest, that he can almost feel Donghyuck’s heartbeat.

“Wh-why...why are you hugging me?” he sobs.

“Because…” Donghyuck says, his voice sounding equally as wrecked, crackly and fragile and delicate, “because it’s not all your fault, Mark. Please...please don’t blame yourself. I’m just as much to blame for this mess as you. You were right. I did hurt you. And I never...I never ever wanted to hurt you.”

“But–”

“No, please...please Mark, just please, let me say I’m sorry,” Donghyuck says shakily, sobs choking out between his words, “please...just let me honestly, truly, sincerely say that I’m also sorry for everything I said and did.”

“I...of course I do,” Mark shudders, his entire body shaking and threatening to break down and run away. “Of course I can forgive you. But I...I’m the one who screwed everything up–”

But Donghyuck only holds him closer, keeping him steady. He may be talking about the hard stuff, and it’s in a hard place, but he finds purchase on his rock. Donghyuck keeps him in place.

“I thought...I thought you would never forgive me,” Mark whispers.

“Of course I forgive you,” Donghyuck replies back. He loosens his grasp around Mark, moving his hands up to his shoulders, and now they’re looking at each other face to face. Donghyuck’s eyes are puffy, glassy, and watery, there’s tears shedding down his eyes, and the bags under them look dark like the night. But he’s not angry.

“I forgive you. Because I...I’m your friend, and I still want to be your friend.”

“I...so do I,” Mark says. “I don’t want to lose you, you...you’re one of my best friends, Hyuck.”

“Then don’t,” Donghyuck replies. “Don’t lose me. Just...let’s just talk, please.”

“About the hard stuff?”

Donghyuck looks puzzled. “The what?”

He simply laughs at himself in response, wiping away his tears. He forgets that it was only him talking to Yeri yesterday. “Nothing, nevermind. Let’s just...let’s just talk about what happened.”

“Okay.”

They both take a couple of minutes to cool down, wipe their eyes, and Donghyuck gets some tissue from the kitchen counter so they can both wipe their eyes and blow their noses of the snot congealed in their nostrils. Then they regain composure, and exchange patient glances, each expecting the other to initiate the conversation. Eventually, Mark decides to take the lead.

“It was wrong of me to ignore you,” Mark starts. “I shouldn’t have done that. I should’ve been more considerate of your feelings, because they do matter. I shouldn’t have blown you off and I should’ve just tried being honest with you, about how I felt about everything.”

“And I should’ve tried handling it better,” Donghyuck says.

“And you’re my friend, and I care about how I make my friends feel. And it was wrong of me to keep treating you like that. And I should’ve stayed. I should’ve just stayed here and talked to you.”

“And I shouldn’t have told Jeno and Renjun and Jaemin that you thought you were better than all of us,” Donghyuck returns. “I shouldn’t have been so hostile to you, and I shouldn’t have made it worse by being self-centered.”

Mark flinches, regretting that he ever called Donghyuck self-centered. “No, come on Hyuck, I didn’t mean that, that was stupid of me to say, you weren’t–”

“No,” Donghyuck raises his hand to stop him, “I was. I was...I was self-centered for thinking that I was the only one who was hurting. I didn’t think about how much I was hurting you back.”

“It’s okay. It’s not any worse than what I did, Hyuck–”

“No, but you were right, it’s not okay. And I take full responsibility for that, on my part.”

“And I take full responsibility for my part as well.”

They fall quiet. They’ve both said what they wanted to say. They had both apologized to each other. Now what?

He tries to think of what Yeri had told him, what she would say or do in this situation, but his mind just draws a blank space.

“So...what do we do now?” Mark asks him with uncertainty.

“Well...we should try and figure out how to not go through this again,” Donghyuck says.

“How should we do that?”

“I think...I think we should talk?”

“You mean just try talking to each other more?”

“Well, no, because that didn’t really work out the first time, now did it?” he smiles sarcastically at Mark, and Mark can’t help but laugh a little at that.

“So...what should we do?”

“Well, Renjun called this a complete breakdown of communication, between the two of us,” Donghyuck says. “And I think that’s just because, well, you’re really reluctant to say how you actually feel, and I get super worked up about how I feel.”

“So...we should just try to be more open about our feelings?”

“Well, it’s a good place to start, right?”

“I know, just…it’s more than just that,” Mark sighs. It’s difficult, trying to figure out how to stop this from happening. It was more than just being open about their feelings. They clearly had been when they exchanged blows and yelled at each other, and it hadn’t ended well. It’s not just as simple as that.

He wishes it were that easy.

_ When did you ever think it was going to be easy? It’s not, that’s my point, Mark. _

That’s what Yeri had been trying to tell him. There’s no easy, perfect fix.

“I don’t think it’s just that, we were pretty honest about how we felt last time we talked to each other,” Mark says. “Even if it wasn’t...you know, the nicest way to say it.”

“Yeah...yeah, you’re right,” Donghyuck reluctantly agrees. “You were upset, and so was I, and technically both of us were being honest, we just expressed that...badly.”

“So...what should we do?” Mark asks. “I...I don’t know what to do from here.”

He’s lost. He doesn’t know where it goes from here. They could apologize to each other, make up, and that’s the easy way out. But it doesn’t solve everything and it’ll keep eating at them until it consumes them again, gets them right back where they started. And Mark never wants to go back there. Never again.

“I’ve been thinking a lot, this week,” Donghyuck says. “About what we said. About how we reacted towards each other. About you.”

Donghyuck pauses, looking to see if Mark will say anything, but Mark simply nods, wanting to listen to what he has to say. So, he continues talking.

“I guess...I guess it’s not what we said, it’s just how we handled it,” Donghyuck goes on. “It wasn’t mature, for either of us, to react that way. And we should’ve tried to be more understanding.”

“So...less shouting angrily at each other?” Mark asks.

Donghyuck shakes his head. “No, not just that, just...less, well, I don’t know, taking it personally. Although that’s hard, because our feelings are personal. So, maybe…”

He pauses, and again, Mark simply waits for Donghyuck to collect his thoughts.

“I think,” Donghyuck continues, “I think that we should just try to be open about being honest about our friendship. Just, ask each other how we feel about things, if we’re on the same page. And be understanding if we might not be on the same page.”

_ If you truly were awful all the time, I wouldn’t be your friend _ , Yeri had said.  _ But you’re not, and I still care about you because you’re not awful, Mark. You just have awful days.  _

“To trust that we can talk about things, and no matter how awful they are, it won’t ruin our friendship,” Mark says. “Because they’re just us being awful on our off days.”

Donghyuck raises his eyebrows, surprised that Mark said that. “That sums it up pretty well, I think. Yeah, exactly. And I think that feels okay.”

“Yeah.”

“So, we just make sure we’re okay, and not going towards a bad place.”

“What if we, you know, get overbearing towards each other?” Mark asks. “What if we start to get codependent on each other? Or just...we can’t handle our feelings well enough?”

“Then we stop before we get towards that place. We’ll just talk about it, and cross that bridge when we get there,” Donghyuck says. “We can’t plan for everything, you know. But at least...at least we’ll have an idea of how to fix it. Because we’ll understand what to do now.”

“Yeah,” Mark agrees. “That’s fair.”

Again, they fall silent, unsure of what else to say. But something doesn’t feel resolved.

There’s a lingering question Mark’s been avoiding. But he has to ask, because this is the hardest part. They have to address why this all happened in the first place.

“So...will you be okay then, if I keep hanging out with the U Team?”

Donghyuck tenses up in response.

“I...yeah, I think so,” he sighs reluctantly.

“But...you have to tell me why,” Mark says. “I know you were upset because I ignored you to hang out with them and that was really, really stupid of me. And I won’t do that again. But you...do you have any other reason why you were so upset?”

“Do you think there’s one?” he asks Mark evenly.

“I don’t know, but I want you to be honest with me,” Mark responds. “Because I don’t want this to happen again. I need to know how you felt, so I know what I did that hurt you. Because I don’t want to make the same mistake with you again, Donghyuck. I don’t want to lose you, you’re my best friend.”

Donghyuck looks at him pensively, reluctant. But his expression slowly softens.

“I was upset because I was...jealous, I guess, that you liked hanging out with them more than me,” Donghyuck admits.

“What? Donghyuck, that’s–”

“Silly, yeah, I know, but...I don’t know, I guess I just felt jealous, and it’s not like you ignoring me made it any better,” Donghyuck says. “Obviously it was stupid to feel jealous–”

“You weren’t stupid, Hyuck. I probably would’ve felt the same way the roles were reversed.”

Donghyuck regards him carefully, then continues. “Then you have to understand Mark, I was upset because you’re one of my best friends and you didn’t even try sometimes.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry Hyuckie.”

“I just...if we’re gonna be okay, and we’re gonna be friends,” Donghyuck says, “then you have to promise me that you won’t forget about me.”

Mark looks at him confusedly. “What do you mean?”

“Look, I know that they’re your friends,” Donghyuck begins. “You love dancing with them and hanging out with them. I can see that, clearly, otherwise you wouldn’t spend so much time with them. But you liked them so much that...well, it felt like you forgot I was here too. It felt like you forgot that I existed.”

“I..I’m sorry, Haechannie,” Mark apologizes. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.”

“I know, and it’s okay, I understand better now,” Donghyuck says. “And I want you to be friends with them. I see that you’re happy whenever you get to hang out with them, and you deserve to be happy. But just...don’t forget about us too, okay? And not just me, but Jaemin and Renjun and Jeno too.”

“I won’t ever forget you guys,” he says firmly. “You guys are special to me.”

“And you’re special to us too,” Donghyuck replies. “But...maybe...maybe you need to stop...stop treating it like it’s so special that it’s too perfect to mess up.”

“I...I’m sorry, I just don’t know what you mean by that,” Mark says confusedly.

“I mean that you shouldn’t be afraid to be honest with us, and you shouldn’t feel like you’re betraying us, for feeling like it’s not special anymore,” Donghyuck says.

Mark feels his nerves crackle like lightning again.

Why does this sound so familiar?   


_ It’s not something so beautiful that you’re afraid to handle or break. It’s sturdy, like a rock. _

“What...did someone tell you that?”

Donghyuck smiles. “When you were gone, the second night after you’d passed out on her bed, Yeri called Jaemin, demanding at least one of us meet her to tell her what was going on. Jeno ended up talking to her and sorta...explained some of it.”

“What did he say?”

“He just said we’d gotten in a fight, that was all. He didn’t want to say more, because he felt like it wasn’t his place to tell Yeri everything, and that if she wanted to know more, she should just talk to you about it.”

_ So she knew _ , he thinks to himself.  _ Wait, that’s how she knew it was Donghyuck! She wasn’t reading your mind. _

“Then, last night, after you’d talked with her and you’d fallen asleep, she texted me and told me to call her. And she told me what you guys talked about, and well...it made me cry, not gonna lie,” Donghyuck laughs lightly.

“I...well, I guess, you’re welcome for making you cry?” Mark replies awkwardly, and then they both end up laughing when they realize how ridiculous that sounded.

“Yeah, so she called,” Donghyuck says. “And she told me she felt like it reminded her of when you first moved out, and she remembered that you said something that had stuck with her.”

“What was it?”

“That you felt like you were betraying them for moving out and moving in with us.”

“Oh.”

Mark gets lost in the fog of his own thoughts a bit.

“It’s not a betrayal,” Donghyuck says. “But if you think it is and act like it is, then, well...I feel like it is too. I felt like you were betraying me because...because you acted guilty, like you were.”

“But I was.”

“No, you were not.”

“But–”

“No, Mark, you weren’t,” Donghyuck replies firmly but gently. “Betrayal is hurting someone who trusts you. I do trust you, but you didn’t hurt me by being friends with them. You hurt me by acting like they were friends you could trust, and I was not.”

“But...isn’t that betrayal? That sounds like the exact same thing.”

“No, because you being friends with other people isn’t going to hurt me anymore, in any way. It’s only when you act like you can’t trust me or you can’t be my friend, and that you were always choosing them over me, that’s when it feels like betrayal.”

It’s not that simple, Mark thinks. It was more nuanced than he’d given it credit for. It’s not black and white, it’s a scale of grey.

“But I can’t...I don’t know if I can be friends with both of you guys.”

“But why not? You seem to manage with our old apartment mates and us pretty well, no? Yeri’s still one of your best friends. And you still talk to all of them pretty regularly.”

“Because...because it's...I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”

“Try me. It can’t be harder than microeconomics this semester.”

“Okay, I guess…” he takes a deep breath, “the reason I feel like I’m betraying you guys is because, at the time, I wanted to hang out with the U Team more than I did with you guys. And I felt bad, that I was prioritizing you guys less when you were all so nice to me and wanted me to move in with you. I felt like I wasn’t being a good friend in return.”

“What do you mean?” Donghyuck asks evenly. “I don’t get it.”

“Just...you guys were so good to me, my sophomore year,” Mark begins to explain anxiously. “I know it doesn’t make much sense, but...I felt like you guys were the best friends I ever had. And I didn’t want to do anything to ruin it. I was...I was scared that being better friends with the U Team, it meant that...it meant that I was being a shitty friend to you.”

“But you’re not a bad friend. You are a good friend, Mark. I wouldn’t still be friends with you if you weren’t one of my best friends.”

“But I just...I fucked up, and I didn’t want to admit it,” Mark finally admits quietly. “I didn’t want to admit that I was being a bad friend. I want to be a good friend to you guys and...and instead of doing what a friend would do, and be there for you, I just...I just shut you out, and decided to be with them more than always being there for you.”

“But there’s also a million other ways that you’ve been a good friend to us,” Donghyuck says. “Hanging out with other people, and not always being there, it won’t change those millions of ways.”

“But I was always choosing them over you–”

“No, it’s when you choose them  _ and  _ you stop talking to us,” Donghyuck interrupts him. “Stop thinking in absolutes. There’s no such thing as ‘perfect’ in a friendship. You can have both, Mark. You just have to stop feeling like you can’t be friends with both of us.”

“But...what if you get upset again?” he asks.

“Mark, I’ll only be upset if you stop being our friend, like how you acted for the past couple of months,” Donghyuck says. “Just be our friend too, please. You can be friends with the U Team and the people you live with too.”

Mark vividly flashes back to when he first heard this from Yeri, the night he was moving out.

_ It’s not a betrayal. You like being their friend, you like being our friend, and we all like being your friend! It’s not bad for you to want to move in with your new friends too.  _

“But how can I keep being friends with all of you without having to choose? It’s too much, you guys and U Team and my old apartment and–”

“Mark,” Donghyuck interrupts his rambling. “I’ll only feel hurt if you stop being friends with us because you feel like you can  _ only  _ choose one or the other. But you don’t have to choose. You don’t  _ always  _ have to be there. Just be there when it counts.”

“But...it’s so overwhelming, sometimes, having you guys, and the U Team, and my old apartment, and other friends, and not being able to satisfy all of you guys,” Mark says. “I just...I can’t be there every time you need me. I just...I feel like I can’t do it.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just, it’s hard, I feel bad whenever anyone wants to hang out and I already have plans. I feel like I have to pick who I want to see because I’ll burn out if I try hanging out with everyone all the time. Because I want you guys to always feel like I do care about you and I do value you.”

“We know that, Mark. We know you care about us.”

“I know, but I did a pretty crappy job of doing it, these past months. I didn’t even bother trying to hang out with you guys as much. And it sucked, feeling like I was betraying you guys. But I...I have to prioritize people, because I can’t always make plans with everyone. Or I’ll just burn myself out. And it was...it was harder with you guys, because we live together, and I felt bad. I felt so, so bad that I refused to think it was a problem.”

“But did you ever think that we can understand that?”

What?

He looks back at Donghyuck with wide eyes.

“We understand that, Mark. We get it, we’re all busy, we all have our own lives,” Donghyuck starts. “But it doesn’t have to be plans, okay? It doesn’t have to be us going out and making it an event to do things together, something we planned or do out of habit. I know I got upset about the first Friday stuff, but it was less actually getting tacos with you and more that you forgot that me, Renjun, Jaemin and Jeno are in your life too.”

“What? I don’t get it–”

“Geez, no wonder Yeri said it was so frustrating talking to you last night,” Donghyuck says sarcastically. “You’re really dumb thick sometimes.”

“I’m sorry–”

“No, no, don’t apologize, it’s okay, we’ve all grown to love that about you, too,” Donghyuck puts his hand up again. “But what me and Yeri are both trying to say is that you don’t have to be afraid of trying to spend your time with people in the same ways with so much planning, for like parties, or events, or going out. Because any of the other millions of ways to spend time with you, it’ll be time we’ll cherish.”

_ Y _ _ ou can have both us and them. _

“But...I feel bad, that I don’t get to hang out with you guys and go out to dinner with you. I don’t want you to feel like I like doing cool stuff with them instead of with you. It’s never been about you guys being less cool, or anything like that. None of that ever mattered to me.”

“And it doesn’t matter to us either, Mark. You think we moved in with you because we thought you were cool?” Donghyuck smiles. “We still live together, Mark. It can just be as simple as joining us on the couch whenever we’re just talking or watching a movie. We just want you here, that’s all. It’s your apartment, but it’s ours too. Just don’t forget we live here, okay?”

“But how could I forget–”

“Not that you literally forgot we existed, I know you’re not that dumb,” he adds cheekily. “I just mean that you don’t have to plan your friendship with us. Maybe you have to for the U Team or for other people, but not for us. Because it doesn’t have to be at dinner, or going out to a party, or going hiking on a beautiful trail, or getting boba at this new hip place. Just hanging out with us is ‘special’ enough for me.”

“But you got jealous last time I did all of that,” Mark says. “I thought you got mad last time, when I forgot about our first Friday dinner.”

“I know,” Donghyuck nods. “I did. And that was wrong of me. Because now I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter what I’m doing with you, whether it’s cool, or special, or whatever else. I just...I just like being with you! I don’t care anymore if it’s not me you’re getting boba with, or having dinner and first Fridays with, or going on a road trip with. I don’t even care if you spend your frequent flyer miles to take another friend with you to Vancuouver. I just want to spend time with you whenever we can.”

“So...it’s okay? Even if it’s just us studying at Starbucks, or eating dinner at the apartment? Simple stuff? That’s okay?”

_ But it can’t be that simple _ , Mark thinks.  _ Can it? _

“Yes. Even though I really, really like it when we go out and have fun and do the ‘cool’ things, I’m okay with just doing simple stuff too,” Donghyuck smiles. “Because I like spending any kind of time with you, because that time will always be special to me.”

_ That time will always be special to me _ , Mark repeats to himself. 

Why do those words make his heart feel special?

“And that’s...that’s okay? Are you sure?”

“Of course I am,” Donghyuck affirms. “You’re my friend, Mark. And I always want to be there for you. And yeah, we have a lot to work on, and this is all just us talking it out.”

“But I don’t want to screw this up again–”

“You won’t. I promise you, you won’t. And yeah, we say this now, even though we don’t know what’ll happen in the future. But at least it’s a start. And that’s something. And even if you screw up again...well, if you do screw up again, it’s okay. Because you’re allowed to make mistakes. You just have to be honest about those mistakes, okay?”

_ That’s why you guys are friends, right? _ Yeri had said.  _ Because they’re honest, and you can count on them? Because they make you feel happy, and safe, and loved? _

Mark feels the scars tingle on his hands, rosy thorns leaving traces of prickly feelings shimmering up and across his entire body. He feels like the storm has passed, and now there is nothing but the next day. The storm has passed, and after what feels like has been the longest of nights, he finally sees some daylight.

The emotions overflow again. The rain falls, but it’s soft, wet, earthy, like the rain that he found in the practice room over two years ago when Donghyuck first sang to him.

“Thank you,” Mark says tearfully, feeling his eyes welling up. “Thank you, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck’s eyes widen in surprise. “Why are you thanking me? I didn’t–”

“Thank you for forgiving me,” he says, and he feels the tears start to roll down his cheeks but he doesn’t care. He’s not sad anymore. He feels so relieved and so, so grateful and happy. “Thank you for being patient with me, and forgiving me for being so stupid. I’m sorry I ran away from you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for being such an idiot.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Donghyuck tells him gently, moving in to embrace Mark again, gently wiping his tears off his cheeks with his sweater wrists. “You can be really stupid, sometimes. Incredibly stupid, actually. More stupid than Jaemin sometimes.”

Mark laughs between the tears.

“But it’s okay,” he murmurs softly in Mark’s ear. “It’s okay, because you’re my friend, and I’ll be there for you, no matter how awful you get sometimes. Because I know you’ll be there for me too. And because I know that you’re sorry and you’ll always make it up to me.”

“Thank you for forgiving me,” he repeats again, hiccuping on his tears. “I’m so-sorry for everything I d-did to you. I’m sorry...I’m sorry f-for being a bad friend.”

“It’s okay,” Donghyuck says. “It’s okay, Mark. And I want to thank you too.”

“F-for what? I was...I was so dumb–”

“I don’t care, I don’t care,” Donghyuck laughs tearfully, looking at Mark with smiling glassy eyes. “I just..I want to thank you, for forgiving yourself. And for just being here, right now. And for being my best friend again.”

They keep their warm embrace of each other for one long, silent minute. Just Mark trying to calm down, trying to stop the tears but they won’t stop falling, and Donghyuck trying to comfort him by rubbing his back, holding him softly, slowly getting him to match the rhythm of his breathing. Mark still feels raw, tender feelings, still cries, but his breathing evens out as Donghyuck holds him, and in his embrace he can only see and feel Donghyuck’s daylight.

A knock on Jaemin’s door cuts across the quiet.

“Can we come out now?!” Renjun shouts from behind the door. “We’re dying in here!”

Donghyuck lets go of Mark, and then they stare at each other, processing what Renjun just said. And then they both laugh.

“Yes, you can! Come out!” Donghyuck yells back, standing up from the couch.

The three of them rush out of Jaemin’s room and hug the two of them, and now all five of them are hugging on their apartment couch, Renjun crying and Jeno smiling and Jaemin just laughing.

“You guys are finally friends again,” Jeno says happily. “We’re all friends reunited again!”

“We are,” Donghyuck smiles, and Mark also sees that there’s tears running down his face, but it’s okay, because Mark knows they’re tears of happiness.

However, he’s not sure what the tears running down Renjun’s face are.

“I love you guys so much,” Renjun wails loudly. “I love you guys sooooo much.”

“Excuse him, he may have drank the remaining rum from a bottle stashed in my room. He was really nervous about you two and wanted to take the edge off,” Jaemin explains. “Oh, and speaking of, Renjun, you owe me and Yeri twenty– _ ow _ !” Jaemin yelps as Jeno kicks him in the shin.

“Don’t ruin the moment,” Jeno chastises him.

“Wait, did you...did you guys bet on how long it would take for me and Donghyuck to make up?” Mark asks surprisedly. 

“Well...no,” Jeno says hesitantly. “I mean…maybe? Except not really?”

“Except yeah. We did exactly that,” Jaemin laughs heartily. “Don’t take it the wrong way though, it was my idea, we just really believed that you guys were gonna be friends again. I mean, come on! It’s you guys! And look at us all now! The gang’s all back together.”

“That’s...that’s so sweet,” Mark says tearfully. Normally he would feel a bit embarrassed and indignant, but right now he’s so, so touched that Jaemin was confident enough in him that he knew Mark would be honest with himself and come back home.

“Well, we just knew it would happen. We had faith in both of you, Mark,” Jeno replies softly, a sincere smile on his face. “You just had to stop running away.”

_ You actually want to talk about the hard stuff, all the messy bumps and problems you have with Donghyuck right now. On your own accord. And for that, I’m proud of you, Mark Lee. _

Mark feels proud of himself too.

“And now that you have not run away and are here to stay, I believe that our little drunk Injunnie here owes me and Yeri–”

“Oh hell, shut up, you always have to ruin the moment, Nana!” Renjun sobs into his shoulder. 

The rest of them laugh happily at that.

* * *

** _All's well that ends well to end up with you_ **

Donghyuck is panicking, heart racing. He has fucked things up for Mark so, so bad. 

He has made a huge mistake. And not only that, but if Mark finds out, then Mark will never speak to him again. What if Mark gets as mad at him as he did when they had that fight last year? What if he never wants to be his friend again? It’ll be the end of their friendship if Mark finds out. 

He’s never felt this stressed before, pacing around the apartment with no plan to fix this.

“This isn’t going to end well,” Renjun says knowingly.

“What do you mean?” Donghyuck pretends he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

“Come on Donghyuck, I know you’re not an idiot.”

Donghyuck is many things, but an idiot he is not. If Renjun thinks he should tell Mark, then he truly is out of options. But he can’t be. There has to be a way out of this mess.

Fuck, he is so screwed. He feels like crying. Mark is never going to forgive him for this.

“Okay but Mark can’t know. He can’t find out,” he pleads urgently.

“You know it’s going to end badly if you don’t say something. You have to tell him, Hyuck.”

No, he can’t know. Mark will literally never speak to him again.

He knows that he’s had a conversation with Mark about communication and being honest with each other about how they feel, trying to be on the same page. 

But fuck Mark’s feelings and being honest. This is one of those exceptions where he needs to lie because the truth will upset Mark so badly. He needs to think of a bunch of convincing lies to tell him so that Mark doesn’t get hurt. Because Mark might actually hurt him if he finds out.

“Are you thinking about lying to him?”

“No!”

Yes, the voice inside his head says.

_ Fuck you, voice of resason inside my head _ , Donghyuck thinks bitterly.

“Don’t lie to me!”

“I’m not lying!” he cries.

Yes you are.

_ Shut up! _

“I thought you and Mark had a whole conversation about, you know, being honest, and not lying to each other and transparency with each other–”

“Yeah okay, okay, okay but that was about if we have any problems with each other, that’s like, not the same thing as problems that arise unintentionally!”

“It kind of is intentional–”

“No it’s not!” he exclaims.

“Donghyuck,” Renjun says in a stern voice. “You’re not really making a solid case for yourself here. This is easily one of the worst things you’ve ever done.”

“No it’s not! You’re totally exaggerating that, Renjun!”

“Am I?” he asks both rhetorically and annoyedly.

Fuck, he is so screwed.

“Okay okay okay but he doesn’t have to find out!” Donghyuck says hastily, his brain going into full-blown frustration mode now. As long as Mark doesn’t find out, as long as he doesn’t find out that he’s ruined everything, Mark can’t get mad at him, right? 

“But he will. Because if you don’t tell him, then I will.”

Donghyuck feels dread drop in his stomach. “You wouldn’t dare,” he whispers panickedly.

“But I will. I’m not above doing it. I will ruin this for the both of you if you don’t,” Renjun fires back harshly. “You know I will if you don’t. Because you may as well have ruined all of this already.”

“But. But. You. You can’t!” he almost cries.

“Holy shit, you sound so whiny, almost like Mark. Is he starting to rub off on you? He’s all the way in New York! Seriously, you sound so annoying right now,” Renjun grimaces with disgust.

Donghyuck feels incredibly offended. He would say something back equally as sassy if not for the fact that he’s in full-blow panic mode right now. 

“Oh please, like I could ever fall to the level of  _ loser _ that he exists at,” Donghyuck scoffs. “How can you think so lowly of me, Injunnie? That’s  _ not  _ what a backup would say–”

“For the  _ last  _ time, I am not your backup! That was a mistake. We already settled this and the Newer Deal is off and Jeno is still your–”

“Oh come on, let’s do it,” Donghyuck says, eager to change the subject of the conversation. “Let’s just become backups and screw the two of them, they can deal with each other! Let’s run away and start a new friend group. Come on, you know me and you are the best ones.”

For a moment, Renjun seems to seriously consider it. “But what about Jeno?” he asks.

“He can come too! We’ll just tell him when he gets home and then we’ll buy plane tickets back to Korea–"

  
“Oh my god, I was kidding Hyuck, you literally told me  _ you  _ would divorce me in the fifth month of our marriage if we were each other’s backups!”

Oh, right. 

“Okay, okay but I changed! I’ve changed, Injunnie, I’ve changed for the better, let’s do it, please, come on, be my runaway backup, please?”

“We’re getting off-topic, don’t try changing the subject–”

“No! What?!” Hyuck scoffs extra loudly with fake incredulity. “I’m not, I’m not trying to change the subject!” 

“Yes you–”

“No I’m not! Oh, you,” he smiles and scrunches his eyes towards Renjun. “You, silly Injunnie, being all silly and thinking I’m being  _ random  _ like that, hah!” He tries laughing with fake sincerity.

Renjun just rolls his eyes. “Whatever, Hyuck. Just tell him or I will.”

“Okay but–”

“No, you have to tell him. He needs to know.”

“No, I can’t.”

He can’t. If Mark finds out, then it’ll ruin everything he has with Mark, and he doesn’t know if Mark will ever forgive him for this. Mark will never talk to him again.

“Donghyuck, you need to own up to it!”

“But-”

“Donghyuck Haechannie Blabbermouth Fullsun 2708 Lee,” Renjun talks over him annoyedly, “Mark will LITERALLY kill you when he finds out you told Jisung about his surprise party, and that he’s been planning to secretly visit as a surprise within the surprise party for over a month now!”

“I know but–”

“Mark literally bought a $500 plane ticket to come here just to surprise him, and you ruined it with your big mouth by telling Jisung! You know he’s been planning this for a month, Hyuck. And you know Jaemin’s been planning this for a month too. If Mark doesn’t murder you when he finds out, Jaemin will when he finds out you also ruined the surprise.”

“Okay, but that’s  _ if  _ he finds out, not when, and he won’t because not Jisung won’t say anything,” Haechan smiles back desperately. He doesn’t care what it takes to make Jisung quiet, a couple hundred dollars, Renjun’s iPad, Jeno’s gym membership, Jaemin’s deepest darkest secrets. He’ll do whatever it takes to make sure Jisung keeps his mouth shut.

“No, but how do you know Chenle won’t?”

Oh fuck.

“No! No–oh but they don’t, he doesn’t know!” Hyuck babbles hysterically. “I didn’t–”

“Oh yes you did. Because Jisung is best friends with Chenle. And Chenle has a big mouth, and who do you think he told all this to, huh?” Renjun says indignantly. “You think I just figured out all of this on my own?!”

He groans with hopelessness. That’s just extra layers of complication he doesn’t need.

He is so incredibly fucked.

Jaemin is going to kill him when he finds out he ruined the surprise for Jisung.

And that’s if Mark doesn’t kill him first, when he finds out he ruined the surprise within the surprise for Jisung.

* * *

** _Swear to be overdramatic and true to my…_ **

21:00. Venue that functions as both a cafe and a bakery. Cold, but mildly warm inside for an evening in Los Angeles. Definitely not as cold as New York at this time of year. Acoustic song plays softly in the background amidst the chatter of the nighttime 20-something crowd. Sounds familiar – Taylor Swift, maybe?

He had ordered a sandwich and was scarfing it down readily. If there was one thing Mark missed about LA, it was nights like this.

Of course, there are some things he doesn’t miss. Like Donghyuck right now, talking about ketchup and the three different times he successfully tricked Mark into eating it. This, he could do without for the time being.

“Are you always this overdramatic?” Mark half snaps, half sighs at him.

Donghyuck looks up, surprised but amused.

“What? You finally gonna admit you’re annoyed with me?” Donghyuck says smugly. “Because I’m right and you’re not?”

“Can you stop talking about ketchup, it’s not funny anymore-”

“If you can’t handle me at my worst,” Donghyuck’s voice takes on a high intonation, “you don’t deserve me at my best.” 

“Bad.”

“Like you’re any better, Mark Lee.”

“Did we miss this?” Renjun asks the table sarcastically.

“No, not really,” Jaemin replies.

“Mark’s just annoying as always,” Jisung says bluntly.

“Hey!”

“Oh come on, Mark, you’re always getting all worked up over Donghyuck, it’s not our fault you get so flustered so easily,” Chenle laughs.

“And you’re a liar, too, to boot,” Jeno pouts. “You said you would take me to Vancouver!”

“Well, unless your first name is Donghyuck and last name is Lee, it’s not happening for you,” Renjun says. “And sorry for you, but you only have one of those things. Why are you so obsessed with Vancouver anyways, Jeno? I told you that you could chill with me any time you wanted here in LA, idiot.”

“But it’s not the same as a white Christmas,” Jeno keeps pouting.

“Oh my god, can you please shut up?” Donghyuck says with a grimace. “We literally have freezing cold snowy weather back home in Korea. Don’t be an idiot, Jeno.”

“But you said it was a magical–mmmph!”

Donghyuck swiftly covers Jeno’s mouth with his hand, to which Renjun smirks and says, “What’s the matter, afraid of what Jeno was gonna say about your little romcom Christmas movie escapade with Mark last–_hmmmmph_!” Renjun exclaims as he takes his hand off of Jeno’s mouth and shoves it on top of Renjun’s.

“Oh look, now you two indirectly kissed each other,” Donghyuck says smugly.

“Oh shut up, Hyuck,” Renjun says indignantly.

“Wait, we did?” Jeno looks a bit scandalized.

“Hey. That’s hot,” Jaemin winks, licking his lips.  


“Ewwww, don’t be gross at dinner,” Chenle squeals, shoving Jaemin in the shoulder.

“Seriously though, can we just have a normal dinner?” Jisung says irritably.

“Since when is there ever a normal dinner with us?” Donghyuck asks the table.

“Fair point,” Jaemin replies. “Jeno’s the only normal one here. But that’s because he’s so incredibly boring."

“I’m not boring,” Jeno says.

“Sorry, did you hear something?” Renjun asks Jaemin. “I think it sounded kind of boring?”

“You guys are being dumb,” Jeno grumbles.

“And you’re just a bore,” Renjun teases.

“And cute, but also so, so dumb,” Jaemin says.

“Guess you really are a boredom, Jeno,” Donghyuck finishes, and they all laugh at that.

Mark is so happy that all his friends still talked to each other and were close even after he had graduated. It’s nice that he could come in town and visit all of them and it felt like nothing had changed. Like no time has passed by.

It’s hard, sometimes, being in New York without his friends. He had managed, of course. Taeyong had introduced him to the crowd he ran with in New York and they vibed together pretty well. Johnny, Chungha, Irene, and Yuta were all older than him, and it was hard being the youngest in the friend group sometimes, sure, but he enjoyed the company.

But it wasn’t just enjoying the company with his family back here.

The way Renjun always spoke what was on his mind but never said it with the intention of hurting you, just being honest. The way Renjun put thought into every action and was always so considerate of how you felt.

The way Jeno was such a goofball who liked to mess around but it was a mess you wanted to be around. The way Jeno really loved his friends and had such a pure heart of gold and always doted on everyone.

The way Jaemin was so affectionate and loving, not just for a joke but in a way that he really meant it. The way Jaemin could tease and bully you but you liked it because it made you feel special.

The way Chenle laughed at all his dumb jokes because he thought they were bad but loved when you told them because it was you. The way Chenle would always have the loudest reactions and loudest support for all of them.

The way Jisung reminded them all of times when they were freshmen just starting out college. The way Jisung never liked to show affection but always cared the most about his friends and his cute manner of speech when he got embarrassed for showing so.

And then there was Donghyuck.

It wasn’t just the way Donghyuck was or is.

It was more.

Donghyuck supporting his decision when he felt conflicted about moving to New York. Donghyuck helping him pack even though he didn’t want him to leave. Donghyuck calling him and checking in on him, even when he was so far away. Donghyuck sending him a care package. Donghyuck spending late nights telling him about what they were up to, Chenle’s latest antics or Jisung struggling to live like an adult or all the senior year woes him and the other three were going through.

Donghyuck caring for Mark, even when he’s so far away.

Donghyuck still making Mark feel this way, even when he’s so far away.

It burned.

It burns his heart.

And it feels strange.

And he doesn’t know what to do about it.

But he knows, deep down, that it doesn’t burn in a bad way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! We're now over halfway through this fic, wow! Never expected that.
> 
> A couple of important things for next week:
> 
> 1\. Next week I'm going to be posting two chapters at once. This is because some of those plot lines revolve around Christmas, and well, I want to get those out of the way before Christmas actually happens LOL.  
2\. The first of those two chapters is a fun, comedic one! It's not essential to Mark and Donghyuck's friendship and their development to something more. Instead, it is more of a chance to show off how ridiculous they are with all their friends, and how...tragically uncool and embarrassing Mark can be sometimes LMAO. It'll also be published separately, because it is fairly long and has enough of a plot of its own to be its own story.  
3\. The second of those two chapters focuses back in on Mark and Haechan's relationship. Again, a lot of those plot lines revolve around Christmas, specifically Mark taking Haechan with him to Vancouver. You'll also see Mark when he moves from LA to New York City post-graduation.  
4\. No promises but: I'm highly considering publishing some separate stories in Loververse about other specific Christmas antics the 00 Line + Mark are up to when they live together. This depends on how much I get done this week, but if it happens, I'll probably publish either before or at the same time as the next chapter update for Lover.
> 
> That's all! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! 
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues) | [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues) | [official Lover playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ZkOabBMhNqXQQejm34G0G?si=h8wvYOKzQ8SOcUd71ucQCQ)


	9. Shake It Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over two years ago, it had been the night of Halloween. And instead of doing the smart thing and studying for his intro business midterm in two days, Mark had decided to do the dumb thing and go to Yukhei’s frat’s Halloween party with the rest of his apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This chapter contains college students (re: mainly Mark) drinking. Drunk shenanigans occur. Do not attempt any of the following actions or shenanigans depicted in this work of fiction. Do not attempt to recreate or re-enact this chapter, this is written with the intent of comedic purposes only. Please drink responsibly.
> 
> Hello! Here is the first of two chapters I promised to post. Unfortunately, they will not both be posted at once as promised – I am still revising/editing Chapter 10, as that's been a real labor of love this past week. As I said, this first chapter update is pretty light, humorous, and intended to be entirely comedic. It's meant to underscore/parallel how ridiculous the Dreamies interactions are sometimes, almost to a sitcom-esque effect. Lots of characters appear in this chapter, including a lot of the LOONA ensemble (as hinted at in Chapter 7 LOL). This is such a ridiculous chapter, but I had a lot of fun (and a lot of laughs) writing it, and I hope you enjoy reading it!

** _And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me_ **

“Dude, that shit burns,” Jeno says as he gags on the shot of Grey Goose.

“That’s why you need to chase it with something,” Renjun replies as he passes him the pineapple juice carton. “You’re not good with shots anyways, why’d you take one?”

“Well, because we all were! And this is all the alcohol I’m drinking tonight.” 

“Just stick to your three beers and half a sip soju, lightweight,” Jisung says bluntly. “Save the vodka for those of us that can actually handle it.”

Tonight’s the big winter slash Christmas slash graduation party that Mark’s old roommates are throwing for him, since he wouldn’t be there when the rest of them graduated. In the spirit of keeping things festive, it’s a holiday-themed party, and Mark has decided to dress up as Jack Frost.

“Like my costume?” Mark says with a goofy grin. “I’m Jack Frost!”

“Mark, that’s not even the right color of blue for the sweatshirt, if you’re basing it off the 2012 movie,” Donghyuck replies. “Also, where is the white hair? At least Jaemin committed to his costume and got antlers and a red nose for Rudolph.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard you like reindeer and red noses,” Jaemin winks at him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mark asks.

“Oh, I dunno, not much really, maybe I was just trying to make...a dirty joke?”

Immediately Mark feels his blood run cold.

“No, no, no, okay, nah,” Mark says hastily. “Why-why-why would you think that?”

“Oh, you know...I just thought that maybe you think reindeers are cute–”

“Excuse us for a moment,” Mark says tersely as he immediately tugs on the collar of Jaemin’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer onesie and drags him into his room. He locks the door and prays that no one will hear about this.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Mark tries saying angrily, but it comes out more nervous than intimidating. Jaemin simply smiles evilly in return and briefly Mark prays that for once in his life, his prayers gets answered and this isn’t as bad as he thinks it is.

“Oh, you know...some dirty jokes about red noses and..._ making out with reindeer _?” Jaemin grins wickedly.

Mark is in full-blown panic mode now.

“NOOOOO!!!!!” he wails loudly. “No, no, oh my god, okay Jaemin how do you–”

“Hey, is everything okay in there?” Jisung knocks on the door. “You sound like you’re dying or something, Mark.”

“Oh, he’s fine–”

Again, Mark tugs on the collar of Jaemin’s costume and covers his mouth to stop him from saying anything and exposing him.

“Everything’s fine, Jisung! We’re fine! I just accidentally uh, stubbed my toe!”

“Okay! But we’re leaving soon, so you’ll need to uh...unstub your toe soon!”

Jaemin licks his hand and Mark whines in disgust as he pulls it off his mouth. He gives Jaemin a mean look but it still doesn’t wipe the smug grin off his face. 

“How the hell do you know about any of that?!” Mark hisses through gritted teeth.

***

Over two years ago, it had been the night of Halloween. And instead of doing the smart thing and studying for his intro business midterm in two days, Mark had decided to do the dumb thing and go to Yukhei’s frat’s Halloween party with the rest of his apartment.

“Are you guys ready?” Chaeyoung said excitedly. “We’re going to get sooooo turnt tonight.”

“I’m gonna be such a mess,” Jungwoo laughed happily. “God, I’m already getting buzzed from pre-gaming with that whiskey.”

“Let’s get it!!!” Mark says happily, giggling uncontrollably. He already felt himself feeling quite buzzed (borderline drunk) and didn’t know what had gotten into him. But he knew that he wanted to do something drunk, fun, and wildly stupid tonight. It wasn’t like he was going to do anything too bad, right? Just a fun night out.

***

“Does the name Jiwoo ring a bell?” Jaemin says almost too gleefully.

Mark’s face looks about as pale as the moon. Jaemin finds it extremely hilarious. “Oh my god, did she tell you? What did she tell you? Wait. But that’s not...but how–”

“Do I know about your reindeer fetish? Let’s just say I’m also good friends with Heejin.”

“Heejin? What the hell does she have to do with this?” Mark asks confusedly, trying to stop his brain from exploding. He knows she's Donghyuck and Jeno's friend from Korea, but what does that have to do with anything?

“Oh just, you know, she's also...Jungeun’s little, who is also a _ rabbit _,” Jaemin grins sadistically. “Remember that, when you were with a reindeer?”

Mark feels like his heart is about to drop out of his asshole.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, no, no, this can’t be happening, this can’t–”

“I’ll keep quiet,” Jaemin says evilly. “I won’t tell _ anyone _anything about what I know. If.”

“If? If what? If what? Jaemin spit it out!” Mark almost begs at this point. He can’t let anyone know about his freshman year Halloween. He’s already graduated and he can’t ruin his reputation right before he leaves.

“If...by the end of the night, you can get Donghyuck to kiss you.”

***

To say Mark was absolutely hammered out of his goddamn mind was an understatement.

About thirty minutes into the frat party and he had already lost his ability to walk in a straight line. He couldn’t find any of his apartment mates, but vaguely knew some of Yukhei’s frat star friends around the table. Sooyoung Park, one of the biggest flirts Mark had ever met. Jaehyun Jung, one of the most unconventional business majors Mark had ever met. And Jackson Wang, one of the most stereotypical frat bros Mark had ever met. He was vaguely trying to play King’s Cup at a table with them and some other people, barely determined not get the bitch cup (even though the bitch cup meant more alcohol, and that he wanted), when he felt his overall suspenders get tugged on. He looked behind him and saw he was being pulled by a very cute girl.

“Yo, man, what’re you doin’, I’mplayin’with my bros,” Mark slurred his words out sloppily before breaking into a fit of giggles.

“You’re cute,” the cute girl giggled back. 

Mark, who swore he would never get this drunk, was immediately enamored by the cute girl.

“Wow, I’m cute? You’re cute too,” Mark grinned back.

She giggled and blushed at the compliment, although whether it was because of a combination of Asian glow and kamikaze shots or bashfulness and flirting, Mark would never know. “Hi, cutieeee. I’m Jiwoo.”

“Nice t’meetchu, Jiwoo, ‘m Mark...Mark-ket Lee,” he said happily. Despite the ever romantic atmosphere of sweaty bodies, hazy and smoky weed stench, and spilled Coors Lights lingering in the air, Mark thought she was just about the cutest person on the planet.

“Hey, listen, I’m about to do something really stupid, and I need to try doing it with a guy I find cute and well...you’re the only one doing it for me tonight,” she whispered in his ear. “Wanna do something stupid with me?”

“Stupid’s m’ middle name, Jisoo,” he said happily.

“Jiwoo.”

“Woo?”

“Woo.”

“Woohoo!” Mark giggled happily.

“You’re perfect,” Jiwoo smiled back. “Let’s see if you’re the one.”

“Eyyyyy, go get it bro!” Jackson hollered from the other side of the table.

***

“You don’t even remember his name?” Jaemin had asked Jiwoo as she was telling him about her Halloween story from sophomore year.

“I think it was Marcus? Marvin? I don’t know, something like that, I can’t remember exactly,” Jiwoo had shrugged. “For some reason I keep thinking this guy’s name was Market or something. He was really sweet though.”

“Was this guy cute, at least?” Jaemin had asked.

“I thought he was really, really cute at the time,” Jiwoo had said. “I don’t know, on Halloween when everyone doesn’t look exactly like themselves, you get attracted to things you normally wouldn’t, I guess.”

Jaemin had crossed his arms. “What was so attractive about him?”

“Honestly...I think it might’ve been the dirty overalls,” Jiwoo had said thoughtfully. “I think that’s what did it for me. Not enough to seal the deal, but enough to get me to realize I have a thing for overalls in general. Definitely was not his red clown nose.”

“Sorry, his _ what_?”

***

“D’ya get it?” Mark grinned stupidly as he pointed to his red clown nose, unsure of why he was drinking another cup of jungle juice when he was already wasted enough for the night. But Jiwoo seemed nice, he was drunk, and she was also getting drunk, so why not. “It’s cause my costume issapun!”

“You’re a...cute farmer clown?” Jiwoo asked confusedly.

“Nooooooooooo.”

“A cutieee red-nosed cowboy!” she tried again.

“Oh my goshhh that would totally be a better costume than thissss,” Mark said as he leaned a little too hard against the wall, throwing him off balance as Jiwoo caught him. "Ha, you caught me! I'm a dirty joke! Getit? Cuz of my dirty overalls and my nose like a joke! And jokes make clowns!"

“Whoa, we should sit, I think? Let’s think,” Jiwoo said brightly. “Let’s think. I think. You think. Let’s sit so we can think!”

“Yeah!”

“Marrrrcussss, you’re sooo cuteeee.”

“Jisoooo I think...I think you’re like, in love with you,” Mark said almost seriously.

They both started laughing at each other as they stumbled up to a room somewhere in the frat house. “Dude, I think I love you in two love,” Jiwoo giggled.

“Whaaa?”

“I like love,” she said happily.

“Awwww, I love you too, bro!”

“You’re so funnyyyyyyyy,” Jiwoo emphasized the last syllable with the conviction of someone who had taken one too many sips of suspect jungle juice at a college frat party on Halloween.

Mark just giggled uncontrollably to himself until they finally managed to plop on a couch somewhere, further away from the center of the party, in what appeared to be the frat’s study lounge or common area. 

“Isss funnyyyy cause I’m the dirty joke,” he kept giggling between sentences. “Cause ‘m wearing dirty clothes and I got a jokey nose!”

“Oh my god!” Jiwoo said. “You do have a jokey nose!”

“I do!”

“Did you steal it from a joke person?” Jiwoo gasped. “That would be baaad. Stealing is bad! You’re so baaaaaad,” she grinned widely as she bopped him on his red clown nose.

“I’m baaaaaaaad,” Mark repeated drunkenly.

***

“Oh god, this is so bad, this is so, so bad,” Mark groans out loud.

“Your choice, Mark!” Jaemin says cheerfully, as if he’s not forcing Mark’s hand right now. “Just get Donghyuck to kiss you before the clock strikes midnight. Like you’re Cinderella! And I’m your fairy godmother.”

“Jaemin, shut up! I don’t even see him that way!”

“Don’t be mean, Loser Lee,” Jaemin pouts in his aegyo voice, and at this point Mark knows Jaemin is just doing this to get under his skin. “I just wanna see my favorite set of roommates kiss each other! Is that too much to ask?”

“Why don’t you go kiss him if you’re so obsessed with kissing Donghyuck?”

“Because I want _ you two _, specifically, to kiss,” Jaemin smiles innocently.

“Bullshit. Why are you doing this?”

Suddenly the door opens and Renjun walks in and closes the door behind him. He also locks it before crossing his arms and looking at Jaemin annoyedly.

“Na Snaekmin, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

***

“Can I kiss you?’ Mark giggled.

“I don’t know, can you kiss me?” Jiwoo giggled back. “I wanna try it.”

“Not if you kiss me first!” Mark laughed airily. “I like being kissed.”

“Me too.”

“I’m gonna kiss you, Woohoo,” Mark said bravely.

“You’re such a good kisser,” Jiwoo said.

“But I haven’t kissed you yet!” he said with surprise.

“But I know because our minds...they linked up,” Jiwoo whispered excitedly. “It’s like, we’re connected to the same wifi in the brain!”

“No way,” Mark gasped. “That’s...so cool!”

“I know!”

“Okay, I’ll kiss you–”

Jiwoo sloppily crashed her lips into Mark’s. It was messy, wet, and tasted like a mix of grape juice and cheap vodka. Mark, in his drunken state of mind, thought it was one of the most romantic kisses he’d ever had.

Suddenly Jiwoo pulled away and Mark looked at her with wide eyes.

“Why’d you stop? You tasted so good,” Mark whined. “I think I was getting even drunker!”

He giggled to himself. _ You can’t get any drunker, Market! _He thought to himself.

“Oh my goodness, Market...I can’t kiss you!” Jiwoo realized with wide eyes, slapping her overly blushed cheeks with her two hands.

“Wha-wha-wha-why-why?” Mark slurred sloppily.

“Can I tell you another secret?” Jiwoo said in a conspiratorial way. “Without the wifi?”

“Do you want me to turn the wifi off?”

“No, it’s okay just...we can’t share minds right now,” Jiwoo said a bit too seriously for someone who was drunk at a frat party. “You have to turn off your wifi!”

“Okay, hold on,” he said as he attempted to turn off the wifi on his phone in the control center (in reality, he had simply locked his phone in portrait mode).

“Okay, what is it?” Mark scooted closer to her to hear her better.

She started to whisper in his ear. “Markov, I think...I...think I’m a lesbian,” she said surprisedly to both him and herself. “I wanted to kiss you because I wasn’t sure but...I think I am now! I think...being a lesbian is my thing!”

Suddenly she looked extremely shocked and confused. “Oh my god. I’m...I’m a lesbian.”

Mark looked up at her with wide eyes. “Oh my god. Jiwoo. Me too!”

Jiwoo looked back with equally wide eyes. “What? Market, you’re a lesbian?”

“I’m a lesbian! You’re a lesbian! We’re all just a buncha lesbians, lesbian, lesbihonest,” Mark singsonged happily.

“But how are you a lesbian if you’re not a girl?” Jiwoo asked him confusedly.

“You have to be a lesbian to be a girl?” Mark switched the words drunkenly.

Jiwoo looked at him, then scrunched her face as if deep in contemplative thought for five seconds, and then looked back at him and smiled. “Yeah! Lesbians like girls and girls like girls like lesbians, lesbians! Lesbians. Wow, I keep saying lesbians, haha!” she started laughing.

And then she started crying. “Oh my god, I’m a _ lesbian _!!!!”

***

“So, let me get this straight – besides the fact that you’re not,” Jaemin had said. “You tried to kiss a guy one last time before figuring out if you were really a lesbian?”

“Well...yeah,” Jiwoo had replied bashfully.

“And kissing Marcus, or whatever his name was, made you figure out that you didn’t like guys? Was it really that bad of a kiss?”

“Well, I didn’t feel anything when I kissed him, and I thought he was one of the cutest guys at the party,” Jiwoo had said. “I just didn’t feel anything. Like, even though I really, really wanted to like him, I felt nothing when we kissed? So yeah. That’s how I figured out that I was a lesbian.”

“Wouldn’t this have been better if you were...I don’t know, sober?”

“But sober me would not have been brave enough to do that,” Jiwoo had pointed out.

“So, you just kissed this guy, realized you were a lesiban, and then...left?”

“Uh...no, not exactly, it was more like...I kinda lost him?” Jiwoo had said. “Well, he was making out with his own arm, and then my friends found us and–”

“Wait wait wait wait, backup, this guy did _ what _ now?”

***

“Market, I...I can’t believe it, I’m a lesbian,” Jiwoo cried hysterically.

“Jisoo, why are you crying as we’re kissing?” Mark slurred sloppily between kisses.

“Markov, that’s not me,” she whined sadly. “It’s your arm you’re making out with.”

“It is?” Mark opened his eyes and realized that it was not Jiwoo he was kissing, but in fact his own arm he had been making out with for the past two minutes. Surprisingly, even though it was slobbered in his own spit, he had never found his left arm more attractive than he did now.

“Oh my god, Jisung where did you go?! You disappeared!” He looked around the room.

“I’m right here,” she sobbed as she booped Mark’s nose again, which freaked Mark out as he flailed about and subsequently fell ass-first onto the floor.

“Marcie!” Jiwoo exclaimed too loudly for this current situation. “Marcie, are you okay? I think your ass got hurt!”

“Oh, Jieun, you’re so romantic,” Mark began to say messily. “You can talk even while we’re still making out? Wait,” he said with wide eyes and a slack mouth. “Why–why are you crying? Oh my god, is it because I’m a bad kisser? I know I’m only a 17 out of 38 but–”

“No, nooo, Mark, you’re a 10 for 10, it’s just, it’s because...it’s because I’m a lesbian,” Jiwoo started sobbing uncontrollably again. “I’m a lesbian and I love girls and I want a girlfriend and I want to kiss her but I can’t because I’m so drunk right now, and I made you make out with your own arm! I’m a lesbian _ and _a horrible person!” she continued crying.

Suddenly the door opened and Mark saw two girls standing at the entrance. In his own drunken state, Mark probably didn’t realize that him being alone in a room with a girl who was crying looked very, very bad on his part.

“Jiwoo!” one of them said. “Are you okay?”

“Jiwoo, what did he do? What did this asshole do to you?!” the other girl began screaming at Mark and now Mark was very, very scared.

“No, no, guys, he didn’t – I’M A FUCKING LESBIAN!” she screeched hysterically as she wiped her tears.

Now both the girls turned to look at Jiwoo confusedly. “What!?”

“I wanted to make out with Marley because I thought he was cute,” she sobbed. “Like a dog. I thought he would turn me not lesbian, but then we kissed and I realized I only like kissing girls, not golden retrievers,” she cried hysterically.

“I’m sorry...what? So he didn’t do anything to you?” her first friend remarked.

“No, it was all me,” Jiwoo wailed loudly. “I kissed him first and I didn’t like it and now I wasted his time because I’m a lesbian and now I made him kiss his own arm and fall off the couch and now he probably broke his own ass and has to get ass surgeryyyyy!”

“Holy shit...Chaewon, did she just confess to us she was a lesbian?” her other friend who screamed at Mark asked the first friend. Mark noticed she was blushing, a lot.

“I...I think she just did,” her first friend named Chaewon said. “Is she...okay? She’s so wasted.”

“Thank you, Marcus,” Jiwoo cried as she wrapped her arms around Mark, who was all around very confused why there were three girls in the room when just a second ago, there was only one. “Thank you for helping me realize the real lesbian was the lesbian inside me all along.”

“Jiwoo, girl, are you okay?” Chaewon asked. “You sound...out of it.”

“No,” she cried inconsolably. “I think I’m gonna puke the lesbian inside of me all over Market.”

Three seconds later, Jiwoo’s friends got her off of Mark. Her first friend helped Jiwoo to the toilet (where she promptly vomited) while her other friend started to help Mark off of the ground.

“I’m sorry, we got off to a bad start,” she said apologetically. “It’s just, you know, we were looking for Jiwoo all night, and then we saw you here alone with Jiwoo and she’s crying and...well, we assumed the worst. Sorry for screaming at your earlier, really, this was all just a big misunderstanding.”

Mark, having registered every other word in his inebriated mind, only giggled inappropriately in response. “It’s okay!” he said happily. “Now we’re all friends! Now me and Jinwoo can be friends! And now we’re lesbian linked with wifi together.”

“Uh…are you okay?”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Mark looked at her seriously.

“Uh, yes.”

He looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, and then whispered very loudly, “I think I’m really, really, _ really _ drunk right now.”

Jiwoo’s other friend began to look at him embarrassed. “Oh, uh, well, we should get you some water? Yeah? So you’re not super hungover–”

“Noooo!!!” Mark pouted. “Then the drunk will go away and I’ll have to be sober!”

“Okay but...actually, yeah! Yeah, you’re right, come on, let’s go get some more drinks!” she smiled all of a sudden.

Mark perked up at that. “Really?”

“Yes, really!”

“Oh, yay!” he giggled happily.

“What’s your name? It’s not Market, right?”

Mark shook his head. “No, I’m Marcus!”

“Okay, Marcus, I’m Hyejoo. Did you come here with friends?”

“Yeah!!!” Mark said ecstatically. “We’re here to see Xuxi!”

“Who?”

“Xuxi!”

“Sushi?”

“Xuxi! He’s in the frat,” Mark said happily.

“Okay Mark, let’s go get you something to drink, and then find your friend Xuxi. Hopefully he's an actual person, not the California rolls from Trader Joes that someone left on the beer pong table.”

***

“Injunnieeee, why do you have to ruin everything,” Jaemin says in his aegyo voice.

“Are you mocking me?” Renjun says irritably.

“Noooooooo, Injunnie, I just wanna see Mark and Hyuckie make out, don’t ruin the moment Injunnieee–OW! Hey, that kinda hurts,” Jaemin whines as he rubs his newly sore shoulder.

“I don’t care,” Renjun says, “Jaemin, what the hell were you thinking, trying to hold something against Mark? You are such an idiot, trying to get him worried about it, as if we don’t already know.”

At that last sentence, Mark feels a fuse in his brain explode.

“WHAT?!” Mark screams. “What do you mean, you already know?!?!”

“Oh, yeah, about that,” Renjun says. “Jaemin couldn’t keep his big mouth shut at Fall Showcase, so he hinted at what happened on Halloween.”

“You gossiped about me at my own showcase instead of listening to me perform!?”

“Anyways, after the showcase, me Yukhei, and Yeri figured it out before Jaemin could even tell us all the ‘_ juice _’, I guess it’s called,” he says the word with sarcastic air quotes, “after we talked to Jungeun about it. We kinda pieced it all together after I told them what Jaemin told me.”

“Oh my god, noooooo, Jungeun promised she wouldn’t tell anyone about that night,” Mark whines as he collapses onto his bed and screams into a pillow.

“Hey, it’s not like she knew that Heejin knew Jaemin, and Jaemin is a huge gossip.”

Now Jaemin crosses his arms. “And what about it?”

“You know, if it makes you feel better, I think the rest of the group don’t know. And Yukhei and Yeri agreed that they would just keep it to themselves since they know you get really embarrassed about this kind of stuff.”

“No idea why, though,” Jaemin scoffs. “Seriously, everyone at least has one crazy drunk story in college. I’m sure your co-workers in Spotify, New York will love hearing about it. You shouldn’t be so ashamed of–OW!”

“Not everyone is as shameless as you, Nana,” Renjun replies. “And as much as I would love to talk about how embarrassing Mark is, it’s not right for you to try shaming him into getting your grand romance scheme to work. _ Especially _when he’s about to leave for New York in four days.”

“Hey, that’s supposed to be _my_ secret!” Jaemin hisses.

“And you were _ supposed _to be a loyal backup,” Renjun retorts. “And yet here you are, backtalking once again!”

“Wait, what romance scheme?” Mark says incredulously.

There’s a knock on the door. All three of them turn their heads to the sound.

“Uh, guys?” Jeno’s voice comes out from the other side of the door. “So...Donghyuck and Chenle already left with Jisung because they were getting bored of the three of your arguing, so...yeah, I told them I would let you guys know that they had left.”

“They...they left without _ me _?!” Jaemin nearly screeches. “How dare they! I’m the life of every party! The party doesn’t start until I walk in!”

“Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you and your penchant for quoting pop songs,” Renjun says as he shakes his head.

***

“Hey, Marcus, you okay dude?” Hyejoo asked as she handed him another cup of water.

“This alcohol tastes funny,” Mark pouted sadly.

“It’s...it’s a special alcohol! Just for you,” Hyejoo smiled, her gummy teeth making Mark perk up and smile back at her. “It’s a secret alcohol, just for you. They...they put dihydrogen monoxide in it! It’s supposed to get you _ really _drunk.”

Mark gasped like a five year-old who was just told by his parents that he could buy the cool kitchen gadget he’d seen in a TV infomercial. “Hyejin, that’s so nice of you!”

“It’s Hyejoo,” she corrected him again for the twelfth time that night. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, you’re right!” Mark said. “Can I...tell you a secret, to your ear?”

“Sure.”

Once again, he got up close to her ear and whispered very breathily, “I can’t remember people’s names when I’m really, really drunk.”

Then he moved away from her ear and got really close to her face, looking intensely in her eyes and said, “But shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone I’m drunk!”

Although normally Hyejoo would find babysitting a drunk college dude annoying, for some reason or another, Mark was very, very endearing and kind of a cute drunk. She could kind of understand why Jiwoo, drunk off her ass, had thought she wasn’t a lesbian when she’d seen him. “Okay,” she smiled again. “I won’t tell anyone you’re drunk.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” he squealed excitedly. 

“You’re welcome.”

“Oh, oh no! I think I got too excited and now I need to pee,” he said with shocked eyes.

“Do you need me to show you the bathroom?”

Mark shook his head twelve times, back and forth, before smiling stupidly wide at Hyejoo. “Sushi used to live here! I know where he goes to the bathroom,” Mark said happily.

“Okay, if you say so. I’ll be right here if you need me. We’ll find Xuxi soon, yeah?”

“Yeah! Okay gotta gooooooo,” he called back as he stumbled off to find the bathroom. 

After spending two minutes getting to it, he realized there was a line, and that someone was puking in the bathroom. He knocked, and tried opening the locked door, but was met with a “occupied!” and he whined to himself. He really had to go. Where could he go?

Suddenly, he remembered that there were bushes right outside in the courtyard where everyone was dancing. All he needed to do was get behind one.

***

Two months ago, Jaemin and Heejin had been having a conversation about their Halloween plans. Heejin was in the middle of telling Jaemin a story about her wild Halloween experience freshman year when she walked into her friend vomiting after she had went to use the bathroom at a frat party.

“So you were helping Chaewon help your friend yak for thirty minutes? What a shitty way to spend Halloween,” Jaemin had said to Heejin. “Although that kinda sounds like this one time where my friend spent thirty minutes vomiting in a toilet after she made out with some dude.”

“Damn, that dude must have been the worst kisser if she ended up vomiting after,” Heejin had remarked. Jaemin, unsure of whether Jiwoo would be okay with him disclosing the fact that she was a lesbian to people she probably didn’t know, decided to omit that fact.

“So, what happened then? Did you and Chaewon just leave, get her back to her place, and call it a night?”

Heejin had then sighed. “I wish, but first I had to find Hyunjin–”

“Your best friend from high school? Same one that Jeno and Donghyuck know?”

“Yeah, her. She was my roommate and I had literally no idea where she was, and I wanted to make sure we both got back to the dorms safe. And I thought she was in this one room, because that’s where my friend had said she was. But she wasn’t and instead...there was…”

“There was what?”

“I…well...”

“Come on Heejin, spit it out,” Jaemin had said impatiently. “I wanna know! You can’t just tell me this story and then end it like that.”

“Okay, okay,” she had said reluctantly. “It was...I walked in on a guy and some dude dressed up as a reindeer hooking up on his bed.”

Jaemin then gasped, scandalized by the information. “You did _ not _.”

***

“Bro, are you taking a piss?”

Mark looked behind him to see a dude dressed in what looked like a reindeer costume standing behind him, somehow having stumbled upon him, even though he was down on his knees and thought the bushes covered him well enough. “Not cool, dude. There’s bathrooms for a reason.”

“I’m sorry,” Mark blushed, heat spreading across his face, and not just from the all the alcohol in his system. “I had to pee and someone was already peeing.”

“Hey, whoa, hey, hey, no shame. If you gotta go, you gotta go,” the reindeer dude said. “Better than pissing your pants. I’m just saying, next time, just use a different bathroom in the house?”

“Oh...yeah! That’s a good idea! Wow, you’re so smart.”

It took Mark a bit to realize that reindeer dude had been staring at his dick the entire time, but he finally figured it out when he glanced back at reindeer dude was looking in that direction.

Mark zipped up his overalls and went to get up from his knees but ended up falling on his butt instead. “Whoa, dude, do you need some help?” reindeer dude said.

“Yeah!”

Reindeer dude came over and helped Mark back on his feet.

“Thank you!” he said happily as he gave reindeer dude a big, long hug.

If Mark wasn’t so drunk, he probably wouldn’t have thought that the reindeer’s dude phone felt really, really pointy in his pants.

“Hey, your phone is kinda pointy,” he pouted.

The reindeer dude just laughed at that. “That’s not my phone, dude.”

“Then what is it?” Mark asked him with the innocence of a kindergartener asking their parents how babies were made.

“It’s my dick.”

“Ohhhh!” Mark exclaimed in realization, and then kept giggling profusely. “You got a boner for meeeeeeeeee. You’re gayyyyyy.”

The reindeer dude only smiled back at him. “That, I do have, and no, I’m bisexual.”

Why did Mark not mind that this guy had a boner for him? Why did he find it...attractive? Fuck, was he attracted to guys? Suddenly his mind was spinning, even more so than from the seven shots of vodka in his system mixed with jungle juice and a shotgun of Coors Light. Was this some kind of sexual awakening? “Wait...do you like guys?”

“I do,” reindeer guy nodded.

“Does that mean I like guys?”

“I don’t know, do you?”

Mark, not sure, simply shook his head.

“So I guess you don’t like guys?”

“Oh my god!” Mark giggled innocently. “I like guys! I’m not just a lesbian!”

“Sorry...what?”

“I’m not just a lesbian, I’m a lesbian who likes dudeeeesss,” Mark slurred the last word.

“Ohhh...okay.”

Feeling more bold and confident than he normally would if he was completely sober, “Hey, can I tell you a secret?”

“Go for it.”

Mark got up close to reindeer dude’s ear and whispered very breathily, “I don’t know why but I really, really like kissing people when I’m really, really drunk.”

Reindeer guy licked his lips in response.

“Can I kiss you now, then?”

Mark cheekily replied, “I don’t know, can you?” and giggled. 

“Have you ever kissed a dude before?” reindeer dude was slowly closing the proximity between their faces.

“No,” Mark shook his head playfully. “Have you?”

“Maybe,” reindeer dude whispered, and any reply Mark had was promptly stifled when reindeer guy’s lips went crashing into his own, knocking off his clown nose in the process.

***

Mark feels edgy and anxious.

He doesn’t like that Jaemin and Renjun (and apparently now Yukhei and Yeri) seem to know what happened to him that night. He doesn’t know how much they know, but for some reason it’s deeply distressful to him. It drives anxiety up in his chest – what did they know? What did they not know? Did it change their opinion of him? Why is he so embarrassed? Why does he just wish that night never happened?

Currently, Mark is trying to take the edge off by drinking some holiday punch at his graduation party. Not a good start, but old habits die hard. He’s in a circle with Donghyuck, Jaemin, Yeri, Chaeyoung and Jungwoo, and they’re all chatting about winter and Christmas break, but Mark is just staring at his drink, tuning everything out.

Normally, he would not look to alcohol for relief. But at this point talking to people is not taking the edge off, and having something to drink is calming his nerves. Not the best decision to make tonight, but it’s not like he’s known for his stellar decision-making whenever alcohol is in the mix.

He flashes back to the night he puked the morning after Halloween and shudders to himself. Briefly, he wonders if he would be the poster child for a public service announcement about drinking safely and responsibly. But he’s not that bad, is he?

His thoughts are interrupted when Donghyuck calls his name again.

“Mark! Earth to Mark, you there?”

Mark looks up from his jungle juice and sees Donghyuck staring at him.

“Are you okay dude? You’ve been pretty quiet, and you look kinda sad,” Jungwoo says.

“Yeah Mark, I’ve even been talking about Christmas magic and you haven’t said a word about it. Everything okay, discount Jack Frost?”

Mark, unsure if he’s buzzed or just feeling like being honest, frowns as he says, “I just...feel weird about people knowing about something I did, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“What?” Jungwoo raises his eyebrows. “Is this about Jaemin teasing you?”

“How do you know that?” Mark asks surprisedly.

“Renjun told us,” Chaeyoung says.

“Oh. No…I mean, he was, but then Renjun stopped him.”

“What was he teasing you about?” Chaeyoung asks.

“Nothing...it was nothing,” Mark pouts.

“Come on Mark, just tell us,” Yeri said. “You’ve been really down on yourself the whole party. We want you to have fun tonight, Mark. It’s your graduation party!”

“But I don’t wanna have fun,” he whines petulantly. “I just wanna go home.”

“Hey, I really am sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Mark,” Jaemin says apologetically, rubbing his shoulder gently. “I didn’t know you felt this badly about it. I really didn’t want to make you feel this way tonight, it’s your party. I feel really bad.”

“No...I know, it’s okay, you already apologized,” Mark mumbles. “It’s okay, Jaemin. It’s not your fault, I just...I’m caught up in my own head.”

“So, then...well, I guess I’ll be the one to ask...why are you still bothered by it?” Jaemin says.

_ Me Yukhei, and Yeri figured it out before Jaemin could even tell us all the ‘juice’ _ , Renjun had said, _ after we talked to Jungeun about it. _

“Yeri what do you know?” Mark suddenly blurts out.

Yeri looks back in confusion. “Sorry, what?”

“What did you, Yukhei and Renjun figure out about my sophomore year Halloween?”

“Ohhhhh, that’s what Jaemin was teasing you about?” Yeri says unsurprisingly, her casual tone surprising Mark. “That’s just plain dumb. I don’t know why Jaemin tried teasing you about that when we all know what happened on Halloween.”

Mark tries not to scream but fails as he lets out a loud, high-pitched squeal.

“WHAATTT?!?!”

“Oh, that thing about your sophomore year Halloween?” Donghyuck says. “Yeah, me and Jungeun already knew about everything before Yeri and Injunnie asked us about it a few weeks ago.”

“WHAAAAAT!?!?!”

“Oh, come on Mark, don’t you remember?” Donghyuck says dismissively, as if Mark has no reason to be embarrassed or surprised. “I was there with you that night.”

Immediately a red hot wave of embarrassment spreads up his cheeks.

“Wait, you _ knew _ ?!?!” Jaemin shrieks. “Lee Donghyuck, you fucking _ knew _before I even figured it all out?!?!”

“Oh my god, were you reindeer guy?!?!”

“What? No, I was not a reindeer,” Donghyuck says. “And yes Jaemin, I figured it out, hello? I was friends with Heejin and Hyunjin in high school before I even met you.”

“Oh my god, oh my god, this is like Friendsgiving all over again,” Jaemin cries in frustration.

“Then who were you? Why were you there that night?!?! How could you never tell me that you were there that night?!” Mark screams.

“Because I figured if I did, you would have this exact reaction,” Donghyuck replies coolly, “and that you would freak out. And hey, I have enough embarrassing dirt on your already, and to be honest that night is too embarrassing, even for me, since you didn’t even remember I was there.”

“Wait, what? There was a reindeer guy?” Jungwoo looks at Yeri confusedly. “You didn’t tell us about a reindeer guy, Katy.”

“Oh, that,” Yeri waves her hand. “That was just a minor hookup compared to all the embarrassing things Mark did that night.”

“WHAT?!” Jungwoo and Chaeyoung both yell a bit too loudly.

“Mark hooked up with a guy?!” Chaeyoung says shockedly and a bit too loudly. “I thought he hooked up with Jungeun that night!”

“They did WHAT?!” Yeri and Jungwoo both yell a bit too loudly.

“Oh my god, you saw us that morning?!” Mark wails miserably.

“Mark, how many people did you hook up with that night?!” Yeri says astonishedly.

“Wow, I had no idea you were such a slut, Mark,” Donghyuck cackles smugly.

***

“Hey, Hyunjin are you in he–OH MY GODDD!!” a girl screeched as she walked in on two dudes sucking face on the bed.

Mark broke the kiss and removed his left hand from the reindeer dude’s left antler to look up and see a girl dressed as the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. Who was looking back at the two of them in horror, Mark right hand palming reindeer dude’s _thought-this-was-his-phone_ through his tights and reindeer dude’s hands down his dirty overalls.

“Yo, you ever heard of knocking?” reindeer dude said irritably.

“Oh my god, I’m...I’m so sorry, I’m going to lock the door,” the girl screeched as she slammed the door behind them.

“Wait, I think...I think we scared the rabbit away,” Mark said shockedly.

“Mmmmm, it’s okay,” reindeer dude hummed as he started sucking on Mark’s neck, to which Mark only airily groaned in response.

“Mmmmmm wait, wait, I don’t even know your nameeee,” Mark breathed heavily, loose inhibitions getting him more riled up than he usually was.

“Daniel,” the reindeer replied as he continued sucking a hickey onto Mark’s neck. For some reason, Mark thought he sounded kind of disappointed. 

“Donghyuck?”

“No, Daniel.”

“I’m kissing Donghyuck? Oh my god, no, I can’t kiss Donghyuck!”

“No, you’re kissing Daniel.”

“I can’t kiss Donghyuck! You’re, you’re my best friend!”

Reindeer dude moved away and held Mark’s shoulders as he looked him straight in the eye. “Hey, again, I’m not Donghyuck. I’m Daniel, dude. Daniel Kang.”

“Ohhhhhh. Hi Danielle, I’m Mark!“

“You know what, you’re really bad with names, but you can call me whatever name you want, cutie.”

“I’m not cute, I’m Markkkkkkk,” he said cutely.

“Well, Mark Lee,” Daniel said as he moved away to adjust himself on the bed, “you are a very, very messy kisser.”

“Awwwww, thank you!” Mark cooed.

“But, I don’t think we should hook up, just yet, since you seem a little out of it, yeah?”

“Nooooooo.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah! Come on, let’s do ittt,” Mark whined as he tried grabbing onto Daniel’s antlers again to kiss reindeer dude’s lips, only to be met with a bit of pushback.

“Mark, you’re really, really cute,” Daniel said sultritly, which caused Mark to giggle joyfully in response, “and I really, really wanna go down on you. But I don’t think you’re even sober enough to last that long.”

“I’m never last! I’m always first in the lunch line, bro,” Mark grinned happily.

“Right,” Daniel smiled. “And youuu, my first in line dude, are out of it. And despite the reputation frat bros have, I would really rather do you sober when you can give me confident consent. Consent is sexy, yeah?”

“You’re sexyyyyy,” Mark giggled flirtatiously.

“Well thank you,” Daniel smirked. “And so are you. But you’d be even sexier if you could give me some sober consent. And...well, I dunno if you’re really sober enough to go all the way to third base tonight.”

Mark gasped. He looked around, conspiratorial, and then whispered to Daniel the reindeer dude, “Did someone tell you I was drunk?”

Daniel simply bopped him on the nose. “You did, bro.”

Mark recoiled back in surprised shock. “Oh my gosh, bro, you’re right! I did, oh wow, I told you I was drunk! Did I also tell you about the wifi? Wait, where’s my red nose?”

“You may have mentioned it a couple times. You also made out with your arm there, for a bit, thinking it was me you were kissing.”

“Oh,” Mark said thoughtfully. He furrowed his eyebrows, deep in concentration. “Did it turn you on, Donny?”

Daniel laughed. “You’re really, really something else when you’re drunk. But I don’t want to just kiss a drunk you. I would like to know what you’re like when you’re not this...well, drunk.”

Mark tilted his head at that, a puzzled expression on his face. “What do you mean, Danimal?”

“Bro, we’re in the same finance class this semester, and you never even noticed me until tonight,” Daniel sighed disappointedly.

Again, Mark felt very surprised by something, which was probably the forty-fourth time that night. “You are? We have a class together?”

“Yes, we are.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Mark apologized. “I never noticed your antlers until now! They’re so cute!”

“They’re not real.”

“Oh...did you grow them then?”

Daniel only laughed. “You know, me and my friends with benefits have been thinking about having a threesome for a bit. Maybe when you’re sober enough, you can give me a call if you ever wanna join.”

“What’s a tree sun?”

“_ Threesome _.”

“Do you know the full sun, Dante? His name is Haechannie!”

Daniel laughed again.

“Are you a top?”

“I’m on top of the world!” Mark declared excitedly.

“Are you a bottom?”

“Jeans jeans boots with the fur, with the fur!” he giggled in response.

“Are you verse?”

“No, Dandelion, you already said you’re three, how could I be first in the lunch line?”

“What’s my name, Mark?”

“Donghyuckie!”

“Yeah, we definitely need to get you some water.”

“Noooooooo,” Mark whined. “I don’t wannnaaa sober up, I want another shottt.”

“I think you got as much shots as you needed tonight, bro.”

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

“Mark? Are you in there?”

Mark looked up, surprised at his name being called.

“God?” Mark called out. “Is that you?”

“Uhhh...yes, it’s me, I’m God,” God called out to him. “And uh...I’m here, to take you to...heaven?”

Mark’s eyes went wide. “Am I dead?”

“No?? Uh...you’re just…” God paused mid-sentence. “Mark, you’re an angel, and right now you’re just tagging along with me, your old pal, God! We’re gonna take a tour of heaven.”

“Hyuck you are so going to hell for thi–OWWW!”

***

“Oh my god, that was _ you _?” Mark gasps in absolute surprise and shame.

“Hey, don’t go saying my name in vain,” Donhyuck scolds him playfully.

“Oh my god, you and Renjun were the ones that took me to In-N-Out that night?!”

“Me and _ Jeno _, not Renjun.”

“Wait, _ what _ ?” Yeri blurts out. “You guys went to an In-N-Out that night?” She gives Donghyuck a mean stare. “I guess I don’t know everything. I thought you said you told us _ everything _!”

“Well, not everything,” Donghyuck admits. “Even I’m not one to spill everyone’s embarrassing secrets about everyone. Because that...that was something Mark probably doesn’t want anyone else to know about. Right, Mark?”

Mark gulps, suddenly making the rash decision to chug all the holiday punch in his cup.

“Mark, don’t chug that!” Chaeyoung yelps. “I put three whole bottles of Absolut in that punch!”

“No, I don’t want anyone to know that,” Mark says, already feeling the alcohol hitting him, “and yes, I do want to chug this, because I don’t want to remember this conversation happening and I want to have a good time tonight. It’s my graduation party! Let’s get lit!”

“Oh fuck, this is gonna be a mess like homecoming all over again,” Jungwoo groans. “This time he’s puking on _ your _ bed, Chae.”

***

“God, how did I end up here?” Mark cried to God, tears streaming down his face as he yakked for the sixth time that night into the toilet bowl stall.

It was now officially November 1st, and 12:30 AM. Mark, still too drunk to realize he where he was, thought he was currently dead and in some form of the afterlife. 

In actuality, he was currently kneeling over the toilet in an In-N-Out bathroom as Donghyuck, dressed up as Shaggy, and Jeno, dressed up as Scooby (collar and all), held onto him and tried to get him to vomit everything so he would sober up.

“Are you sure he’s not gonna remember this?” Jeno asked him painedly, gripping Mark’s overall suspenders to make sure he didn’t puke all over himself. 

“Positive, he thinks you’re the Buddha and I’m God or something, he’s way too out of it right now,” Donghyuck grimaced as the stench of acrid alcohol and vomit filled the air. “I’m ninety percent sure he’s crossed too, he smells like that one dude’s weed brownies.”

“Someone had weed brownies?”

“Or edibles, I dunno, but that whole frat house smelled of pot.”

"It's a frat house, Hyuck. You could've told me it smelled like literal skunk piss and I would've believed you."

"Why the fuck would it smell like skunk piss?" Shaggy asked Buddha.

“That's besides the point. Shouldn’t he know how to handle himself by now?” Jeno Dooby Doo said.

“This is Mark Lee we’re talking about. He’s like the lightest of lightweights, and he’s so uptight sometimes that he only gets this drunk when he actually goes to a party, and it’s Halloween, so…”

“I mean, I know everyone’s supposed to get fucked up on Halloween, but still...this is a side of Mark Lee I never wanted to see,” Jeno said.

“How d’you know my full name, I’m not even a Buddhist,” Mark groaned. “How, how did we get here, Buddha? Do you know where my red nose is? Does God have it?”

“Uh…” Jeno panicked, unsure of what to say.

“He uh...saw your name on the nice list!” Donghyuck improvised. “Santa showed me and Buddha his list for Christmas this year, and we saw uh, your name on top of the nice list.”

“But...Buddha’s not a Christian,” Mark says disoncertedly.

“Uh yeah but uh...Santa is a Buddhist?” Jeno tries with uncertainty.

For a second, everyone is quiet and Donghyuck briefly wondered if Mark was starting to sober up, and would recognize them. Instead, Mark started crying again and proceeded to puke a bit into the toilet bowl. 

“I’m on the nice list?” he sobbed. “Oh my god, God, Santa is gonna give me all the presenttss thiss yeaaarr and this yearrr I want Hae–”

Mark couldn’t finish that sentence as he started puking again into the toilet.

“Zoinks!” exclaimed God.

“Ruh roh,” said Buddha.

***

“Donghyuckkkkk,” Mark garbles out his words. “I think I drank too much too fast.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” Jisung says. “And I’m not Donghyuck.”

“And I’m not Sherlock!” Mark replies incredulously. “I’m Jack Frost!”

Jungwoo sighs. “It’s an expression, Mark.”

“Oh my god, this is so exciting!” Chenle squeals. “I’ve never seen Mark drunk before. This is the best Christmas gift ever!”

“Christmas is two weeks away, Chenle.”

“Do you at least feel better dude?” Jeno asks him.

“Oh my goddddd, Markkkk this is all my fault,” Jaemin sobs on Mark’s shoulder as Jeno tries to get both of them to drink more water. “I did this when I tried blackmailing you it’s my faullttttt.”

“Jaemin, please shut up–”

“It’s my faultttt,” Jaemin continues crying, sniffling into Mark’s shoulder. “I thought I was the only one who knew, but I’mmm the biggest fool of them all! Everyone knew but meeeeeee! Donghyuckieee knew before me! I’m the worst gossipppp. I’m horribleee.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Mark says, a high-pitched lilt to his voice. “I’m sorryyyy Rudolph, I just...I love you sooo muchhh. I love yourrr red nose.”

“I love you tooooo,” Jaemin sniffles. “I wanna marry you, Jack Frost.”

“God, please remind me to never let these two get drunk ever again.”

“You got it, Buddha.”

“I-I-I-I-I-I don’t want a lot for Christmassss,” Jaemin starts singing off-key as Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ starts playing over the speakers. “There is just one thing I neeeeddd.”

“I don’t care about the presenttss underneath the Christmas treeee,” Mark sings along.

“Oh my god, please tell them to fucking shut up!” Renjun shouts.

***

Donghyuck had absolutely no clue how to get to Mark’s place, because he had never been to his apartment. They hadn’t reached that level of their friendship yet – he had definitely considered inviting Mark over to the dorms though, because the four of them all got along pretty well with Mark. Not tonight, but in general. 

Mark’s phone was dead, he didn’t know any of his friend’s phone numbers, and he had no idea who Mark had come to the party with.

So, that was how he found himself in front of the frat house again at 1 in the morning, since Mark kept insisting that his friend Xuxi was in the frat and he would be okay resting there for the night.

“Yeah I’m in the frat! I’m in a frat, wow!” he said with wide, innocent eyes before he started giggling again. “Do you think I’ll find the sun here? His name is Haechannie!”

“How can you be giggling and happy again when you just puked up half of Noah’s Ark back there?” Jeno wondered out loud.

“You...made a somewhat not unfunny joke?” Donghyuck said, confused. “Wow, tonight really is a weirdass night for me. You make a joke, Mark is drunk off his ass, and now I’m God.”

Unsurprisingly, the frat party is still going strong, and even though it’s not as crowded, Pitbull songs were still blaring in the background as Donghyuck and Jeno stumbled through the courtyard.

“How do you people still have energy for this? It’s 1 AM!” Jeno yelled above the noise into the crowd of drunk college students. “Go to bed!”

“Jen, they’re drunk college students.”

“I mean, so are we, technically.”

“You barely had anything to drink tonight, dude.”

“Unlike Mark, I _ know _I’m a lightweight and one beer is enough for me.”

“Yoooo Mark!” a drunk frat dude ran into them and bearhugged both Donghyuck and Mark, much to Donghyuck’s chagrin, as said drunk frat dude was very sweaty and smelled like tequila. “I’ve been waiting to see you all night, man!”

“Sushiiiii,” Mark said very happily.

“Yukhei?” Donghyuck said confusedly to Mark’s roommate. “You’re Xuxi?”

“Xuxiiii, that’s meeee bro!” Yukhei replied chirpily. “Let’s dance, bros! It's Halloween!”

“Hey–HEY! Yo, _ Xuxi _,” Donghyuck said very loudly above the noise of the crowd.

Yukhei looked up at Donghyuck. “What’s up, bro?”

“Mark’s phone is dead and we don’t know how to get back to his place. It’s 1:15 in the morning and me and Jeno are really, really tired and wanna go home. Can you promise us you’ll take care of Mark tonight?”

“Of course, bro!” Yukhei said happily. “Me and Mark live together.”

“Wait, what?” Jeno said confusedly. “You live here in the frat but you live in Mark’s apartment? Is Mark in this frat too?”

“Is complicated, dude,” Yukhei told them with a laugh. “But yeah, me and Mark are bros! We go way back, I’ll take care of him tonight!”

Donghyuck was skeptical, but Mark had kept telling them to take him to Xuxi the entire night, and Donghyuck vaguely knew Yukhei after meeting him two times before tonight. And he was very, very tired and felt like this was as good as it was gonna get, so he decided to call it a night.

“Happy Halloween, Mark!” Donghyuck said. “Me and Buddha are going now.”

“Okay, byeeeeee Godddd,” Mark singsonged back to them. 

“Come on, let’s get home, I’m so tired,” Jeno Dooby Doo yawned.

Shaggy and Scooby made their way through the crowd and started heading back to the dorms. Yukhei turned to Mark and grinned widely.

“Bro, you wanna play ragecage with me and Lippie?”

“Lippie’s still here?” Mark’s brain lit up at Lippie’s name as if it were dopamine. “Xuxi, we should all play apartment ragecage!”

“Bro, it’s just you, me and Lippie left standing, everyone else wussed out and went home.”

“Bro...are we still gonna party?” Mark looked up to Yukhei with wide, puppyish eyes.

Yukhei looked back with a stupidly wide smile on his face.

“Yeah bro! Let’s dance and party all night long!”

***

“Mark, just how drunk are you right now?” Jungeun asks.

“Lippieeeeee,” Mark whines. “Why did you tell everyone about that night?”

“Oh my god–I did not!” Jungeun says hotly. “You think I wanted anyone to know about that? You think I wanted to see you in spaghetti?!”

“Wait, holy shit, is this about the tub of spaghetti I saw on Halloween?” Yukhei says with wide eyes, the sleigh bells on his bracelets jingling from holding a cup of eggnog. “You had an incident with that? Oh my god, don’t tell me you and Mark–”

“For the _ last _time, me and Mark did not hook up that night!” Jungeun says frustratedly.

“Why are you so embarrassed about it?” Heejin asks. “You can’t just tell me you’re embarrassed just because you were both locked in a bathroom and–”

“_ You _don’t get to talk right now,” Jungeun points an angry finger at Heejin. “You weren’t supposed to tell anyone about that night, Heejin! I told that story to you as a sisterly bonding big-little moment!”

“Hey, I didn’t know Yerim knew Yeri! And I didn’t know that she knew Mark and that it was about you and Mark!”

“Don’t say that name, I’m Rudolphhh not Yeriiii,” Jaemin whines as he slips and falls onto the couch. “Whoa, why is the world sideways now?”

“Oh my god, why the hell did you idiots let them drink?!” Renjun snaps at both Donghyuck and Jeno. “I sent the two of you with Mark and Jaemin _ specifically _so they wouldn’t get drunk! Now we have to walk them home!”

“We get to walk them home!” Chenle squeaks excitedly. “I get to walk drunk Mark home! Oh my god, this is sooo exciting!”

“Chenle you don’t even live with us,” Jisung says annoyedly, although he’s more annoyed by the fact that Chenle is paying more attention to drunk Mark and Jaemin than he is to him tonight.

“Why do you always have to rub it in, it’s not fair! You get to live with them, meanwhile I have to live by myself,” Chenle pouts.

“Chenle, your parents pay for your apartment rent _ and _ for your car insurance, do not talk unless you’ve had to live in our apartment, share a kitchen with Mark, and take public transportation,” Renjun says exasperatedly. "All the while having to pay rent."

“Hey! What’s wrong with living with me?” Jeno says.

“No, not just you, also Jaemin and Jisung.”

“You guys aren’t any better!” Jisung protests.

“Jisunggieeeeeee–”

“Oh my god _ Jaemin _–”

“Haechannieeee–”

“Mark, you need some more water–”

“Nooo I don’t wannaaa!!!!” Mark groans before stumbling into the couch on top of Jaemin. 

“Owwww, that hurt,” Jaemin whines in his aegyo voice.

“Hey, you’re kinda cute,” Mark giggles. “Are you a reindeer? I like reindeer–”

“Oh my fucking god, get them off each other!” Renjun yells.

“Oh my god this is amazing,” Chenle cackles as he records the incident on his phone.

“Oh my god, this is freshman year all over again!” Heejin screams.

“Why does everyone keep saying my name in vain?” Donghyuck says.

***

It was 2 AM on November 1st, technically still a Halloween celebration. After about an hour of playing ragecage and drinking two red cups worth of various booze, Yukhei had passed out on the couch in the common areas, Mark was trying to find an empty room, and failing horribly at it. The party was starting to die down, but he knew that Yukhei’s frat usually didn’t call shut it down until around 3 AM in the morning.

He felt slightly sober but still really, really drunk. His phone was dead and he had no idea where Jungeun had gone. He was trying to look for her so that they could go home, but had given up and now he just wanted to sleep. 

So, for the past ten minutes, he’d started feeling his way through the dark hallways of the frat house, trying to open any door because he just wanted to sleep. His head was throbbing and he desperately wanted to lie down. And while he couldn’t remember everything that had happened the past few hours, he still had enough of his dignity intact to not want to pass out on the floor of a frat house.

One door finally opened. It was a bathroom, with a...bathtub? Full of...spaghetti?

Mark didn’t even question it. Suddenly he felt really hungry and started craving In-N-Out. Why was he craving In-N-Out? It was as if the smell of double-doubles was lingering in his head. The spaghetti, as gross as it looked, seemed very appetizing. His stomach churned, and he had no idea if it was from the booze or the lack of food. He had a really, really bad case of the drunchies right now. He tried eating some of it but–he spat it out. It felt like hair in his mouth.

He groaned as his head began throbbing. He went to the sink to drink some water out of the tap. He didn’t even care if it was clean, he just did not want to wake up with a horrible hangover in the morning. He barely noticed that there was what looked like a massive person-sized lump on the toilet seat. Again, his head was throbbing so he didn’t question it.

At this point, he just wanted to sleep and didn’t even care where. So, feeling tired, defeated, and out of options, he made camp for the night in the bathroom and passed out.

***

“Wait, _ you _were the one who got all the spaghetti in Jackson’s bathtub?” Yukhei the elf says indignantly as the sleigh bells on wrists jingle. “Bro, why the fuck would you do that? They made me clean it up the next morning because they thought I was the one who did it!”

“Hey, don’t judge me, Mark and Jaemin are over there drunk off their asses,” Ten snaps back at Yukhei. “Also, can you retake that photo of me? That’s so not the right angle and I need to post this on my story.” He adjusts his ugly Christmas sweater and Santa hat for the camera. “I told you to get the good side of my face!”

“No but seriously what the hell, Ten,” Kun deadpans. “You make enough money off of being an Instagram influencer that you bought thirty cans of Campbell’s Spaghetti and put it in some frat dude’s bathtub _ just _because he started a rumor about you?”

“He did! Jackson and Yugyeom just talk shit all the time. They totally told Bambam that I didn’t want to do the collab with him for the Supreme hype party when I definitely did! I mean, do you _ know _how well Supreme sells on Streetwear websites? I could’ve made a fortune!”

“Bro, do you know how long my hands smelled like spaghetti after that?” Yukhei yells. “I couldn’t eat pasta for months, cleaning that shit was traumatizing!”

“Oh come on, Yugyeom is a total dickbag and you know it. Even Jaehyun hates him!”

“I swear, if me and Kun didn’t know you in high school, we would not be friends with you,” Renjun says frustratedly. “I cannot believe you did that!”

“Well you know what I can’t believe? That you think you’re better than me and Jaemin,” Ten says dramatically. “You know, I get you both discounts on all the streetwear brands you buy. And you have never thanked me even _ once _for my generosity.”

“Oh my god – for the _ last _ time, that is _ Jaemin _, not me! You know how I feel about that fast fashion stuff and I buy everything thrifted,” Renjun says frustratedly.

“Injunnieeeee you’re sooo cute,” Jaemin whines in his ear. Renjun shoves him back onto the couch with Mark, then realizes what a bad idea that is and goes back to holding him.

“Oh, and you’re welcome for the discount code on that reindeer onesie, by the way,” Ten says bitterly. “Seriously, do you know how expensive it is to ship stuff from Korea?”

“Ten, you used _ my _ discount code to buy yourself a cat onesie for Halloween! And you didn’t even wear it on Halloween!” Renjun cries exasperatedly.

“Yeah, well, you wouldn’t either, if your cat onesie was made of Egyptian cotton!” Ten says.

“Oh my god, I cannot believe I have to deal with you and Jaemin and Mark and–”

“Injunnnieeeee I wanna kisss Donghyuckkk,” Jaemin whines.

“You already have, idiot,” Renjun deadpans, slowly approaching the limit before he cracks like Humpty Dumpty falling off a wall.

“You were right, God,” Mark giggles happily as he takes another swig of Chaeyong’s holiday punch before Renjun snatches it out of his hands. “Hey, I was drinking that!”

“Shut up–”

“What was I right about, Mark?” Donghyuck says with one third confusion, one third annoyance, and one third amusement.

“I am a slutttt,” Mark giggles. “I’m such a slut! But you know what, that’s the best thing, because I _ AM _ a fucking slut, and nobody can judge me because I am nobody to judge. That’s your job, God!” He then takes back his drink from Renjun, chugs the rest of it and then whines in ecstasy. “Hey, everyone!” Mark shouts loudly.

The entire apartment turns towards him. Ten and Jisung take out their phones and start recording.

“Thankk youuuu for commingggg to my graduation party,” Mark says goofily, laughing between his words. “I! Have an announcement.”

Yeri and Yukhei start cackling. “Oh my fucking god–”

“I!” Mark says pointedly as he points to himself, grinning with a stupid smirk on his face. “Am a total _ slut _ and I’m proud of it. And I am _nobody _to judge because I’m a fucking slut and I cannot judge anybody! No more slutshaming for me!”

"Yes, Mark!" Ten shouts supportively. "No more slutshaming! You're doing great, sweetie!"

Yeri and Yukhei lose their minds and start laughing uncontrollably. “Oh my god, this is like the wooden spoon incident all over again–”

“Wait, what wooden spoon incident?” Jungwoo asks confusedly.

“Mark used my wooden spoon?! FOR WHAT?!” Chaeyoung screams.

Yukhei and Yeri fall to the ground in a fit of giggles.

“Yes, Jack, I’m so proud of youuu!!!” Jaemin calls out from the couch, attempting to stand up before stumbling over and joins Yeri and Yukhei on the ground. “You’re doing great, Jackie!” he says into the floor.

“Rudolphhhhh,” Mark calls out as Donghyuck and Jeno grab onto him and try guiding him toward the kitchen to get him to drink more water. “I think I’m drownning in egggnoggggg.”

“Oh my god–Mark, it’s literally just water,” Donghyuck says. “We’re making you drink water.”

“I’m drownnninggggg, I wanna kissss the sunnnn, not the eggs!”

“Why does he keep talking about the sun?” Jeno says confusedly.

“I can’t believe I ever felt sad about Mark graduating early,” Donghyuck mutters.

“You felt sad about it?” Jeno asks him.

“Jen, you weren’t even there when Hyuck said that–”

“Not a _ word _, Renjun Huang! A promise is a promise!”

***

It was the morning of November 1st, and daylight crept in through the window of the bathroom. The stench of alcohol, sweaty bodies, and canned tomato sauce drifted through the air. The festivities of Halloween had calmed down, and the frat house was mostly vacated of its guests. Birds chirped in the distance, the sound of a couple cars on the road startled a few awake, and the fervent excitement of Halloween night had petered away.

Mark started to wake up, groaning as he felt very, very moist. He hadn’t remembered exactly what had happened last night, or where he was, but he knew he wasn’t home and he felt very, very moist right now. 

He opened his eyes, which were slowly adjusting to the light coming in through the window. He looked around and–

_ Oh, fuck, what the fuck, _ he internally groaned to himself. _ How drunk did I get last night? _

Mark realized that he was completely naked in a bathtub that was, for some reason, full of spaghetti. He had no idea where his clothes had gone, just that there was marinara sauce all over him. He would feel more disgusted but a glaring, throbbing hangover was preventing his brain from properly functioning right now.

“Nnnnnnn,” a somewhat familiar voice groaned.

He looked to where the hoarse sound had come from, and then saw, sitting on the toilet, hair covered in spaghetti was–

“What the fuck!” Mark screamed, and then immediately groaned, his loud voice now sending his ears ringing and his brain reeling in the sound.

“Nnnnn–oh my god!” Jungeun jumped up out of shock and slipped, managing to get a grip on the sink to keep herself from falling. “What the fuck, Mark!”

“What the fuck, dude! Why the hell are you wearing a wedding veil?”

“Why am I wearing a wedding veil? Why the hell are you wearing nothing!? You’re naked in a bathtub full of spaghetti!”

“Oh my god, oh my god, fuck, fuck, that was _ your _hair?!” Mark suddenly felt the memory of trying to eat spaghetti, only for it to feel like hair.

“Wait, that was _ you _I felt eating my hair last night?!” Jungeun yelled. “Oh my god, fuck, fuck, what the fuck did we do last night?”

“We didn’t…” Mark vaguely remembered kissing a girl. Or a guy? Had he kissed someone last night? Immediately his blood ran cold. This was really, really bad. “We didn’t...we didn’t...right?”

“No, we didn’t, we didn’t,” Jungeun said, groaning again as she rubbed her temples, eyebrows scrunched together in marinara sauce and frustration, hair tangled with spaghetti. “Trust me, it doesn’t matter how drunk I am, I would never sleep with you.”

“Oh, gee, thanks,” Mark said sarcastically. “Really makes me feel better, Lippie.”

“Shut up, and for God's sake – just put some clothes on, please,” Jungeun closed her eyes, turning her head to the wall. “Just put some clothes on so we can go home.”

Mark, remembering he was still naked in a bathtub full of spaghetti, suddenly felt extremely embarrassed and self-conscious, one hand cupping his balls as he tried using the other to grab onto the shower handle to lift himself up from the spaghetti.

“Fuck, I need to wash off all this...sauce,” Mark groaned, head throbbing with the beginnings of a very, very bad hangover.

“Wait, are these your clothes?” Lippie pointed to a heap of garments on the ground. There were dirty overalls that were also covered in vomit, a t-shirt full of marinara, his boxers, and his ruined sneakers, which were covered in more marinara and...what looked like In-N-Out special sauce?

Surprisingly, his red clown nose was nowhere to be found. He thought he’d had it on the whole night.

“Fuck, I can’t wear any of that,” Mark groaned as he turned the shower knob. The cold water shocked him and he yelped out in response. “Fuck, that’s cold.”

“Just wash up really quick, hold on, let me...let me do something, really quick,” Jungeun said as she started to stumble out of the bathroom, locking the door behind her. “Don’t leave until I come back.”

“Not like I can,” Mark said hoarsely, just now realizing how shot his voice was. “I don’t have any clothes to wear.”

After spending five minutes getting all the spaghetti goo off himself and being careful not to slosh the wet spaghetti around, he carefully made his way out of the bathtub of wet spaghetti, washing his feet off in the sink. A loud knock on the door startled him. “Mark, it’s me! Let me in!”

Mark opened the door and Jungeun walked in, covering her eyes with a pair of board shorts.

“Where did you get those?” Mark asked her.

“I found them on some guy passed out downstairs so you’d have something to wear.”

“Dudeeee, that’s stealing! And you’re pantsing a guy when he’s out for the fight!”

“Hey! Do you wanna walk home naked?” Jungeun snapped, before looking sick. “Just put them on already! Oh, fuck, wait, fuck I think that was me who vomited on your clothes, fuck, I’m gonna vomit, wait, move, move–”

Mark, realizing she was about to hurl, instinctively opened the toilet seat and held her hair back as she started vomiting. After about two minutes of dry heaving, he asked, “You good? Or you still gotta?”

“No, I think...fuck, it was the kamikaze shots last night,” Jungeun groaned frustratedly before yakking again. “I knew I shouldn’t have let Jiwoo into taking them with me.”

Jiwoo, Mark thought to himself. Why did that name sound so familiar?

“Okay, I think...I think I’ll be good to walk home now. Are you dressed?” she asked him.

“Hold on, hold on,” he said, clumsily slipping on the board shorts.

“Wait, wait, don’t forget, your phone, check the pockets of your overalls for your keys and wallet too,” Jungeun said. “Also, we are so throwing those clothes out in the dumpster down in the parking garage.”

“Fuck wait, do I have to walk back home barefoot?” Mark groaned.

“Hold on, that guy also had some flip flops, we’ll get them when we sneak out of here.”

Mark helped Jungeun wash off most of the spaghetti and sauce from her hair, and then they both got very quiet as they looked at each other. They both realized they both looked and felt like absolute shit, and then suddenly started laughing.

“Lippie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad we’re friends.”

Jungeun couldn’t help but smile at how ridiculous of a situation they were in, very glad she was in it with someone who she trusted and lived with. “Me too, Mark.”

“We...we don’t tell anyone this ever happened, okay?” Mark said. “We don’t talk about this.”

“Agreed,” she nodded. “Do you remember how we even got here? Because I don’t.”

“No, I don’t even remember what happened last night, but I don’t want to talk about this or think of this ever again...wait, crap, hold on–”

He made a face and Jungeun knew it was her turn to hold onto Mark’s shoulders as he puked into the toilet for two minutes. “Fuck, I almost feel bad that we vomited so much in the toilet.”

“Eh, it’s a frat house. This is like what they’re made for, dude,” Jungeun shrugged as she unceremoniously flushed it all down.

***

After struggling to get Mark and Jaemin back on their feet, Jeno, Donghyuck and Renjun had managed to walk the two of them all the way back to their apartment. Jisung had conveniently made an excuse that he was walking Chenle back to his apartment so he wouldn’t have to help. Exhausted and, frankly, annoyed, they had given up on trying to get them to shower and had left Mark and Jaemin to sleep on the living room couch.

“Rudolph?” Mark says sleepily, his head resting on one of Renjun’s thrifted throw pillows. “The red-nosed reindeer?”

“Yes, Jack?” Jaemin replies. “The Frost?”

“I love you,” Mark says, snuggling closer to him. “I love your shiny nose.”

“Oh my gosh,” Jaemin whines in his aegyo voice, “that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me, Jack. I love you too!”

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to kiss the sun,” Mark says petulantly. “I really wanted to.”

“I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable, I really wanted both of us to kiss him,” Jaemin replies. “But then… you might have melted!”

“Can I tell you a secret?” Mark says as he starts feeling drowsy.

“What is it, Jack?”

“Rudolph...I really like to kiss reindeers when I’m drunk.” Mark giggles lightly after saying that, and then hiccups a bit.

Jaemin gasps. “Then Jack...can I ask you something?”

“Yes, Rudolph?”

“Jack...will you marry me? Can I be Mr. Frost?”

“I’m so tireddd,” Mark whines. “Can you kiss me to sleep instead?”

“On the cheek?”

Mark whines. “Nooooo, on the lipsss, like Sleeping Beauty.”

Jaemin struggles to position himself over Mark on the couch for thirty seconds before finally crashing into Mark’s chest and crawling his way up. He kisses Mark’s chin.

“You’re such a good kisser, Rudolph,” Mark giggles.

“You’re such a good kiss, Jack,” Jaemin smiles happily.

Jaemin moves up to Mark’s face and they unceremoniously kiss each other on the lips. Jaemin rests his head in between Mark’s shoulder and the couch pillow.

“Good night, Rudolph,” Mark yawns sleepily.

“Good morning, Jack,” Jaemin dozes off, cuddling closer to Mark.

After making sure they had both passed out, Renjun stops recording.

“Did you get all of that?” Donhyuck looks at Renjun with a malevolent grin plastered on his face. They’re definitely going to hold this against Mark and Jaemin in the future, and Donghyuck feels absolutely high on power and sadism just thinking about the potential use of this blasphemous blackmail material.

“Oh, I most certainly did,” Renjun chuckles evilly. “All six minutes and seven seconds of it.”

“This is wrong, you guys,” Jeno says. “This is so, so wrong.”

“Jeno, you’re blusshinnggg,” Donghyuck teases. “Did Jaemin make your heart all mushy?”

“I’m not! I just...it was cute, that was all,” Jeno says shakily, looking away from Mark and Jaemin passed out on the couch in front of him. “Come on, you guys, it was cute! You shouldn’t have videotaped them.”

“But they weren’t as cute as you are right now,” Renjun says teasingly as he walks back into his room.

“I’m not cute,” Jeno pouts.

“Are you jealous that Jaemin has now kissed everyone in this apartment except you?” Donghyuck says playfully. “Because we can arrange for that to happen.”

“Shut up, Hyuck, I’m not jealous,” Jeno says. “I just thought it was cute, that’s all.”

“Oh, okay, so when Mark and Jaemin do it, it’s cute. But when I try to kiss you, suddenly it’s gross and you run away,” Donghyuck says sulkily. “Come on, I know you secretly wanna kiss me.”

“No I don’t.”

“Hey, Jeno, can you come here for a second?” Renjun beckons him over to their room.

Jeno walks into their room to see Renjun. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you look and see?” Renjun smiles.

He looks up and sees mistletoe hanging from their ceiling.

“WAIT–”

Renjun suddenly grabs Jeno and pins him to the bed. “Now, Hyuck!”

“YOU GUYS STOP–”

Jeno is freakishly strong and is about to break free of Renjun’s grasp, but not before Donghyuck barges in and also throws himself on top of Jeno. He plants a sloppy wet kiss on Jeno’s lips, causing Jeno to turn the pinkest shade possible and whine.

“You guys are the worst!” Jeno says in the most unconvincing mean tone. “I hate you!”

“Merry Christmas, Cheerful Lee,” Donghyuck replies as he pats Jeno’s left cheek gently, smirking at how embarrassed and dewy-eyed Jeno looks and how hot his cheek feels. “I know you’ve been asking Santa for that kiss for awhile now.”

Jeno is simply groaning like he’s in frustrating pain, but Donghyuck doesn’t miss the way his mouth curls up all kittenish, like he’s trying to hold back the biggest smile.

***

Chaeyoung was walking back home after a wild night making out with a girl named Jihyo and her friends with benefits named Daniel. It hadn’t been a successful hookup – they’d gotten to taking off Jihyo’s shirt when she noticed that the shirt was from a sustainable clothing brand. And Chaeyoung, the lazy Hermione she was, had geeked out and started gushing to her about it.

Then they ended up talking most of the night about sustainable fashion and environmental economics. No, she didn’t get to have her threesome, but it had been an interesting talk, and she didn’t regret the intelligent conversation they’d all had. 

Daniel, indeed an expert in environmental economics as he was majoring in it, had broken the preconceived notions Chaeyoung had that all frat bros (except Yukhei, who was a good bean) were just sexist capitalists that were cogs in the heteronormative patriarchy. And Jihyo was her sexy, smart, and confident dreamboat who wanted to transfer her passion for fashion into doing environmental consulting for fashion brands to tackle increased sustainability. Ultimately, last night they’d all decided that talking about the geopolitical consequences of drought and how fashion indirectly impacted that was going to be so much more interesting than a threesome.

She had texted in the group chat that she’d be coming back home in the morning. Yeri and Jungwoo had texted that they’d gotten home, Yukhei said something about having Mark and Jungeun back at the frat, and she’d promptly passed out after she took Daniel’s reindeer antlers out of her hair and fell asleep on top of Jihyo’s boobs.

She had just rounded the corner to her apartment building when she saw Mark and Jungeun walking from the opposite direction and immediately hid behind it.

_ Holy shit _ , she thought to herself. _ Mark and Jungeun?! _

She glanced at them from behind the wall. Mark was wearing...no shirt? Nothing else actually, except some board shorts and flip flops, and his legs looked really red, like the color of rusty tomato sauce. There was a glaringly noticeable hickey on his neck. Jungeun also had tomato sauce in her hair and looked like absolute crap.

Actually, they both looked really terrible.

Chaeyoung reeled back to really think about what she had just witnessed on that fateful November 1st morning. _ Holy shit, did Mark and Jungeun hook up???? _

She definitely wasn’t going to tell anyone that they had hooked up. But she was definitely going to tease Mark and Jungeun about it endlessly. She almost cackled just thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I really enjoy writing these kind of ridiculous/comedic story lines, and while they're not always super relevant to the plot, it's really fun teasing out Mark's flustered/embarrassing tendencies ahaha. 
> 
> This chapter was all about further developing their Mark and Hyuck's, and contextualizing it in a ridiculous/comedic light and the lengths Donghyuck will go to help Mark out.
> 
> Next chapter, you'll see their relationship develop in a different way :) Hope you're looking forward to it!
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues) | [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues) | [official Lover playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ZkOabBMhNqXQQejm34G0G?si=h8wvYOKzQ8SOcUd71ucQCQ)


	10. State of Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why was it that _ love _ acted like this magic operative word, always tugging at his heartstrings whenever Donghyuck said it to him?__
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_“Yeah, well...maybe you showed me why Christmas is considered magical,” Donghyuck said. Then he immediately groaned after he said it. “God, I sound like you now when you talk about Christmas.”_  
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_Mark laughed. “See? I told you that Canadian Christmas is amazing!”_  
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_“Alright, alright, yeah yeah, I get it, whatever,” Donghyuck huffed. “Don’t push it though. I only like it because I got to get a free trip to Vancouver.”_  
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_Mark smiled to himself. “I won’t.”_  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So they were never saints, and maybe they've loved in shades of wrong. But they learned to live with the pain of mosaic broken hearts. 
> 
> And their love is brave and wild, and Mark never saw it coming, and Haechan will never be the same, but this is their state of grace.
> 
> And this is the worthwhile fight.
> 
> Love may be a ruthless game, but they played it good and right.

** _And at every table, I’ll save you a seat..._ **

Winter in New York definitely isn’t as bad as winter in Vancouver. Sure, it’s still cold, that much is certain. But for the most part, Mark finds it bearable. Then again, talking to Donghyuck makes anything seem bearable.

“So, how’s the semester going for you guys?” Mark asks over the Facetime. “What’s it like, now that I’m not there anymore?”

“It’s...well, it’s different, that’s for sure,” Donghyuck replies. “There’s definitely no smell of burnt eggs anymore in the apartment.” 

Mark laughs at that. “I’m sure you miss it.”

“Not as much as I miss annoying you!” Donghyuck says cheerfully. “So far it’s just me, Jeno, and Renjun back in the apartment. Jaemin went on a ski trip with some friends up to Mammoth, Jisung’s still back at home. Jeno’s out at the gym right now, but Renjun’s here. RENJUN!”

“What?!” a voice shouts from somewhere off-screen.

“It’s Mark! He’s on the phone! Wanna say hi?”

Mark and Donghyuck both wait for Renjun to come into Donghyuck’s room. “Hey Mark! How’s life in the Big Apple?”

“It’s good, it’s good,” Mark replies happily. “I mean, there’s definitely some moving pains, but it’s been pretty nice! I live in an apartment with Taeyong and some of his friends.”

“Who?”

“Oh, Taeyong, he was on my dance team, you remember him? I think you met him at a frat party once. Anyways, yeah, I live with him and his two roommates, Johnny and Yuta.”

“Nice! So do you have your own room, or do you share with Taeyong?”

“I have my own room!” Mark says as he takes his phone and rotates full circle around his room. Some boxes are still in the background, and admittedly he hasn’t moved in completely, but for the most part, this is his new home now. “MTV, welcome to my crib!”

Renjun sighs. “I can’t believe I actually miss your dumb jokes now, Mark.”

***

“So, did you like Vancouver?” Mark asked Donghyuck as he drove him back to the airport. “Did you enjoy the festive holiday spirit of a Canadian Christmas?”

“Actually...well yeah, I did,” Donghyuck said a bit bashfully, amazed he could even admit to that. “I really, really loved spending these past few days with you, Mark. It was great.”

“Oh,” Mark said, equally surprised that Donghyuck had said that without a sarcastic slant, blunt comment, or comedic joke at his expense. Why was it that _ love _ acted like this magic operative word, always tugging at his heartstrings whenever Donghyuck said it to him?

“Yeah, well...maybe you showed me why Christmas is considered magical,” Donghyuck said. Then he immediately groaned after he said it. “God, I sound like _ you _ now when you talk about Christmas.”

Mark laughed. “See? I told you that Canadian Christmas is amazing!”

“Alright, alright, yeah yeah, I get it, whatever,” Donghyuck huffed. “Don’t push it though. I only like it because I got to get a free trip to Vancouver.”

Mark smiled to himself. “I won’t.”

***

“Yo, Mark, you got a minute?” Taeyong asks him. 

Mark gets off from his bed and looks up at Taeyong. “Yeah, I have time! What’s up, Tae?”

“Actually, can you come to the kitchen table? We kind of need to have a, uh...apartment discussion with you,” Taeyong replies.

“Oh, uh...sure,” Mark says nervously, scared of what Taeyong meant by apartment discussion.

Mark follows Taeyong out of his room and to the kitchen, where Johnny and Yuta are looking at him expectantly, as if they are about to deliver bad news. Immediately a whirl of thoughts swirl in his mind. Is he a bad roommate? Are they going to kick him out? Is it because he didn’t wash his dishes that one time? Was it because he accidentally blasted the Spongebob Campfire Campfire Song out loud because he forgot to plug in his headphones?

“Mark...hey, so uh...well, okay, there’s not really any easy way to say this–”

“Oh come on, let’s just get this over with, bro,” Johnny says impatiently.

“Okay, fine, I’ll say it, I’ll say it,” Yuta sighs. He turns to look at Mark. “Okay, Mark, you’re a great roommate. We’re not kicking you out or anything! We like having you here in the apartment. We just all need to ask you to uh..._ not _cook in the kitchen anymore.”

For some reason, he would rather they just tell him to move out, because no matter how many times his roommates back in LA, both old and new, used to insult his cooking, he thought it was just them making fun of his cooking. And not that he was genuinely a bad cook.

“What? I...I’m not that bad, am I?” Mark says.

Johnny pulls out a jar from the kitchen cupboard and puts it on the table. A piece of paper that has “Mark Lee takeout fund” written on it is taped to the outside. There’s already four twenty-dollar bills in it.

“We really, really would rather you not cook,” Yuta says. “Like, besides that one thing, you’re great! You’re a really great roommate in spite of that. But, my god, how the hell do you fuck up your eggs so badly in the morning that it smelled like that for _ days_?”

“Uh...I–”

“Dude, if you need a meal, just ask Taeyong, he’s always making food and he always has extra, and he always wants to cook for you,” Johnny says.

“Hey, come on, you make me sound like I’m a trophy housewife,” Taeyong pouts indignantly.

“That’s because you practically are one at this point.”

“Don’t push it, Johnny.”

***

“Alright, well...this is where I get off!” Donghyuck said reluctantly as Mark parked in front of the gate and turned his hazards on. “Well, I’ll see you next year, I guess!”

He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay. Why did he want to stay? He hadn’t been back home to Korea in a year. So why did he want to stay here, with Mark?

“Oh, uh...yeah, I guess,” Mark replied awkwardly. 

“Well, yeah, thanks for everything, Mark!” Donghyuck curtly replied as he hugged Mark, before moving to open the backseat to get his suitcase. 

“Oh, uh, yeah, of course! I was happy to have you here!” Mark said.

Donghyuck didn’t want to leave.

“Okay, well, bye!” 

Why didn’t he want to leave?

“Bye, Hyuck!”

Hyuck sighed as a heavy feeling began to cling to his chest, and then turned around, towing his suitcase behind him as he made his way towards the glass doors. 

But then Mark called out from behind him.

“Wait!” 

Mark had gotten out of his car, the hazard lights still on, and he had a brown paper package held in his hands. “I, uh, I uh – I forgot to give you this!” 

Mark extended the package out towards him to take.

“A gift?” Donghyuck said. “Mark, this whole trip was paid for by your frequent flyer miles. You don’t have to give me anything else.”

“I know, I know, I know, I just...well, I wanted to give this to you,” he said sheepishly.

“Uh...okay?”

“Here! Take it, I want you to have it,” Mark rested it on top of Donghyuck’s chest, and Donghyuck took his arm and wrapped it around his package.

“Uh...what is it?”

***

“Hey, Mark!” Jeno smiles at him over Facetime.

“Hey, Jeno!" Mark smiles back. “How’s being roommates with Donghyuck again? Is Jisung enjoying his single now that Jaemin moved back in with Renjun as roommates?”

“Yeah, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed being Renjun’s roommate, and Jaemin liked his single, but both of us really missed being roommates with each other,” Jeno nods. “We still miss you, though! Donghyuck does say it’s kind of weird that I’m back in his room again, it’s like we’re living in the freshman dorms again, except you’re not here.”

“Oh,” Mark says, glad that his desk light is subpar and the quality of this call is not great, otherwise his blush would be much more obvious.

“So, what’s new with you? How’s the job so far? And you’re coming to visit for Jisung’s birthday, right?” Jeno asks.

Mark feels his brain short circuit as that bashful blush immediately turns into angry dread.

“What?” he blurts out.

“What?” Jeno repeats.

“What do you mean, how do you...how do you know about that?” Mark asks.

“Uh...Jisung told me? He said Donghyuck told him, why?”

Mark feels like screaming into a pillow. Donghyuck is so lucky that Mark moved out, because he would have done...well, something to him. Mark’s not much of a fighter, but that doesn’t mean he’s not upset that Donghyuck spoiled the surprise.

“That was supposed to be a surprise,” Mark groans loudly.

“Oh! _ Ohhhhhh_,” Jeno realizes the mistake. “Uh, no, wait, I didn’t–”

“You just said–”

“Oh my god, Donghyuck is going to kill me for telling you that,” Jeno groans.

“Not if I kill him first,” Mark shouts indignantly. "That was supposed to be a _surprise_!!!"

***

“It’s a surprise! Just uh...open it when you get back home,” Mark said with rosy cheeks. Whether it was from the wind chill or his own bashfulness, Donghyuck couldn’t tell.

“In Korea or LA?” Donghyuck asked.

“Either! Just...I would rather you open it when it’s Christmas. Think of it as, uh, my Christmas gift to you!” Mark said warmly.

“Okay?”

“And I...uh, okay, well, I have one more thing to give you.” He took off his winter coat and held it in front of Donghyuck. “Can you, um, hold this really quick?”

Donghyuck sighed exasperatedly. “You’re so weird, Mark. If I miss my flight for this, I swear–”

“You won’t, I promise,” Mark said sweetly. Donghyuck relented and held Mark’s winter coat in his arms. It smelled of peppermint, hot chocolate, and Christmas trees. For one reason or another, Donghyuck thought it smelled like Mark.

“Why are you...why are you–_ ewwww_, Mark, are you trying to strip in the middle of the airport?!” Donghyuck shouted perplexedly as Mark began to take off his ugly Christmas sweater.

“No, no, just...here, take it,” Mark said as he took off his ugly Christmas sweater and handed it to Donghyuck, taking his winter coat back out of Donghyuck’s hands. “It’s...an ugly Christmas sweater. My ugly Christmas sweater. For you.”

“What?” 

***

_ Why does that guy look like Donghyuck, over there? _

“Mark?”

_ What if Donghyuck was here, in New York? _

“Uh, Mark?”

_ What if Donghyuck was here, with me? _

“Hey, earth to Mark? Are you still here?” Irene asks him across the dinner table.

Mark snaps out of his thoughts, coming back down to the table.

“Oh, yeah, sorry, just kinda spaced out there,” Mark says. “What were you saying?”

“Oh, we were just talking about how your playlist work at Spotify so far is incredible,” Irene says. “You’ve been doing a good job!”

Taeyong nods proudly. “I knew he was going to do amazing things there when they hired him. He’s really got an ear for this kind of stuff.”

Mark shrugs humbly. “Ah, there’s nothing much to it, I just have a knack for it naturally.”

“You know what I have for a knack for naturally? Dancing,” Chungha says. “Sucks that it can’t be my day job though.”

“Hey, but our dance team is a lot of fun though,” Taeyong replies. “Don’t you think Minzy’s a great teacher?”

“No, she definitely is, I just mean that…”

Mark dozes back off again, nothing about the conversation keeping him tethered from his own daydreams in the clouds of his mind.

19:00. Restaurant that serves a fusion style of vaguely Asian with Italian, overpriced but it’s a good location. Too cold outside, much too warm inside. Some urban pop song blares on the speaker as 20-somethings take pictures of the food to post on their social media accounts. Nothing about it feels like home. And yet everything about this night just makes him think about how he and Donghyuck would pass by these places and joke that they’d never make enough money to eat at such restaurants.

Now here he is, sitting down with his roommates and their friends, but his head is back in LA, thinking of the time difference, and how Donghyuck was probably still in class right now, or hanging out in the apartment. He wonders what he’s doing. Is he studying for a midterm? Working in a coffee shop with a friend? Walking somewhere for a meeting or to hang out?

Why can’t he stop thinking about Donghyuck?

Sometimes his mind gets like this, where he gets lost in his own thoughts and one reason or another, every path leads back to Donghyuck. It’s like he can’t get him out of his mind. Someone’s chocolate cake that they ordered comes to the table, which reminds Mark of chocolate, and because it’s so warm he thinks of hot chocolate, and how him and Donghyuck drank hot chocolate when he visited him in Vancouver for the Christmas break, and before he knows it, he’s back there again...

...It was dark outside, and they’d gone ice skating earlier that day, but Donghyuck had been tired and they’d fallen asleep watching a movie on a couch, and Mark had just woken up. No one was home except for the two of them, and he shifted his head as he opened his eyes, drowsy with sleep. He stretched his arms a bit, yawned, and then looked across the couch at Donghyuck, who was still sleeping. Curled up in a bundle of blankets, breathing softly, in and out, like clockwork. 

At the time, Mark didn’t think much of it. It was just his best friend, sleeping on his couch in his living room. When he was in high school and he’d had his friends over to his house and they spent the night, it had been more or less the same thing. But looking back on it, there’s a nostalgic feeling thinking about Donghyuck, curled up in blankets and asleep on his couch. Why?

He remembered thinking it would be a nice thing to do, to make him some hot chocolate. Although he wasn’t the best at cooking, Mark knew at the very least how to make hot chocolate. And while nothing would ever taste as good as when mom made it, he didn’t want Donghyuck to have to wait for her to come home. He wanted it to be the first thing he tried when he woke up. He wanted to be the one to make it for Donghyuck.

Mark got out of his blankets on the couch and walked into the kitchen, turning on the lights and taking out some cocoa powder from the cupboard and milk from the fridge. He turned on the stove, put the two in a pan together, and took a spoon out of the drawer to start mixing them. 

He looked in the pantry for some chocolate – he saw some that his mom got from the chocolate factory and started to break it up into pieces. The milk and cocoa powder began to steam, so he mixed it some more with the spoon. Then, he began to drop in one piece of chocolate at a time, stirring it until that piece had melted before he added the next one. Just like his mom taught him.

After all the chocolate was added in, he turned the stove off and put a lid on top of the pot while he looked through the pantry for some candy canes and marshmallows. Then he remembered that he’d bought some with Donghyuck when they went out to the holiday market earlier that day, and went back into the living room to find them in one of the canvas bags. He found them under the scarf he’d bought. 

He checked if Donghyuck was awake – indeed, he was, looking up at him with soft eyes, brown and warm like melted chocolate.

“Hi,” Donghyuck yawned. “Something smells good. Is your mom home?”

“Nope, it’s something I made,” Mark smiled gently.

“Huh,” Donghyuck yawned again. “You made something and it doesn’t smell like burned eggs? I’m absolutely terrified.”

Bubbly laughter filled the air. “It’s hot chocolate,” Mark said warmly. “My mom taught me how to make it, a long time ago. I always make it whenever I’m home and it’s Christmastime.”

“Mmmm, sounds nice,” Donghyuck said softly.

“I made you a cup,” Mark said. “I, uh...wanted you to try some.”

Donghyuck tilted his head as he snuggled against the couch, wrapping the blankets around him a bit tighter. “Will it warm me up? Or is it going to kill me, like your scrambled eggs?”

Mark shook his head. “It won’t, promise. You’ll really like it.”

No resistance, no protest, no sassy comeback from Donghyuck. Only nodding, and a small “okay” from Hyuck. It felt warm, soft, cozy, in the living room, sugary scents wafting through the air as the kitchen light glowed softly upon Donghyuck’s face. Almost angelic, a cozy halo of velvety luminance warming the hot chocolate in Donghyuck’s eyes, warming up the hot, simmering sensation somewhere in his heart...

“Mark.”

“Huh?”

”Are you ready to go?” Yuta asks him. 

“Oh, yeah, yeah,” Mark says absentmindedly as he gets up from the table to move along with the rest of them out of the restaurant.

“Remember to Venmo me, Mark!” Taeyong says.

“Yeah, yeah, of course!”

***

Donghyuck’s heart began to beat terribly fast in his chest. This was...something that crossed into unknown territory. He found himself in that unknown, the fog and mist clouding a forest in his mind as he suddenly felt incredibly lost.

At least, that’s what he told himself. But even then, he never really acknowledged how much Mark affected him. How much Mark tethered him back down, like Mark was his own personal force of gravity. But even if Mark was his force, he couldn’t force himself to feel something unknown and uncertain to himself.

“Did I, um did I do something wrong? I’m sorry if you, uh, don’t like it? Or if this is weird?” Mark stuttered and stammered flusteredly. “I just, um, I just wanted to give you my sweater as a gift to you. Is that too weird?”

“What?” Donghyuck repeated.

“I mean, uh, uh–”

“Mark, all I said was _ what_,” Donghyuck replied swiftly, trying to avoid the unknown entirely. “That’s all I asked. Why are you giving me your old sweater? It’s going to be stinky and smelly, like you.”

Except that wasn’t true, because for Donghyuck, it would smell like hot chocolate and soft, warm memories of gentler, simpler times. 

“Oh, ohhhh oh, sorry, sorry, okay okay okay, my bad, I, uh, just got weird again, huh?” Mark asked sheepishly.

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “You’re such a loser,” Donghyuck said annoyedly.

This felt more natural. Donghyuck being witty and clever, Mark being a stammering flustered mess, and nothing more. Only gravity drawing the two of them closer together, until inevitably one of them crashed into the other...and then what?

He quickly shut that thought out of his mind. He wasn’t going to do this. Not when he was about to get on a plane back to LA.

“Yo, dude! You gotta move your car or I’m calling the airport police to tow you,” a security officer called over to the two of them. “Other people gotta drop off at the airport too!”

“Oh, uh, yeah! Yeah, sorry, sorry,” Mark called back sheepishly. “Okay, uh, just, uh, really quick–”

“Oh my god, spit it out, Mark” Donghyuck said curtly.

“I...okay. I want you to wear this Christmas sweater, it’s mine. Uh. Because, well...because you enjoyed Christmas so much. And now, whenever you think of Christmas...you’ll be reminded of the time you spent with me here,” Mark finished meekly, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck, a red flush spread across his cheeks.

“...Oh.”

Why did Donghyuck also feel his cheeks burning red?

***

“So, what’s new with you?” Mark asks Jaemin on FaceTime, perspiring profusely, the fan turned all the way up as the sweltering heat of summer beats through the dark night. “Is it as hot as it is in LA as it is here?”

“Oh, definitely not, it’s actually _ really _nice,” Jaemin grins playfully. “I just love how it’s always a nice 75 degrees this past June.”

“I wish it was 75 degrees,” Mark groans.

“Shouldn’t have moved to New York, should’ve just stayed here,” jaemin says cheekily. “Although I’m sure you don’t miss us that much.”

“No, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you,” Mark laughs. “So, are you and Jaemin and Renjun subletting that place down in Santa Monica again?”

“No, because we all found stuff to do in different areas, Jeno and Renjun are commuting with Kun to Santa Monica together and then me and Hyuck are getting a ride from his cousin to Downtown for our work this summer.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Yeah, although I’m not getting dinner with him tonight, like we planned last week,” Jaemin sighs irritably. “Because he has a date.”

It’s like his heart seizes upon hearing the word _ date_.

“Oh, a date?” Mark tries saying casually, but he’s not sure how much the tone in his voice betrays how he actually feels about it.

“Yeah, a date,” Jaemin replies annoyedly. “I mean, I get it, he wants to put himself out there, but we _ literally _made plans and then he told me like two hours ago he can’t get dinner with me tomorrow because that’s when she’s free.”

“Oh.”

Why is he upset that Donghyuck is going on a date with someone? It’s not like he’s dating Donghyuck. Or that he wants to go on a date with Donghyuck. The idea of him going on a date with Donghyuck seems ridiculous, just thinking about it.

But if it’s so ridiculous, then why has his heart still seized up somewhere in his chest?

“Who’s he going on a date with? Do you know anything about her?” Mark asks a bit edgily.

“Not really,” Jaemin shrugs noncommittally. “I know her name is Yeji–”

_ Why the hell would he date this girl, Yeji? _ Mark thinks to himself. 

“–don’t really know anything about her, other than that he was in one of her classes this semester, and then she decided to ask him out on a date when the semester ended.”

“Oh. So...they’ve been on a date already?” Mark says a bit too tightly.

“Yeah, they went on a date like a month ago, then she asked him out again and he decided to just go for it again,” Jaemin says. “Said it might lead to something more.”

“Oh. That’s...interesting.” He tries to make it sound like he’s disinterested, but in reality it comes out a bit too disheartened.

Even over FaceTime, Jaemin is as perceptive as always to Mark’s feelings and smirks. “Why? Do you not want their date to lead to something more?”

“What?!” Mark exclaims, flabbergasted that Jaemin would even insinuate such a ridiculous notion. “No, nooooo, come on Nana. I’m happy for him. He should, you know, get to _ put himself out there_, if that’s what he wants so much.”

“Okay, sure, I agree, he should be happy,” Jaemin says knowingly.

“I mean...I mean, what? Am I supposed to date him? Or something? No! That’s ridiculous, he’s like, my best friend,” Mark says unconvincingly. 

“Right.”

“Not that – not that I wouldn’t, you know. Date him. I would! I totally would. It’s just, yeah, well, okay, uh, I’m straight.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What? I am!”

“Reindeer–”

“Okay, okay, fine, maybe I’m not _ entirely _straight, but still, that doesn’t matter, because I don’t care. I don’t – I don’t care if he has a date, I’m happy for him!” Mark insists.

“You don’t seem happy about it.”

“Well, uh, you – you, don’t seem very happy about it either,” Mark stumbles over his words.

“Are you sure you’re not talking about you?”

“Are you sure you’re not talking about you?” Mark parrots back to him.

Jaemin only sighs. “Look. You can be in denial as much as you want about how you actually feel about it, but deep down, it’s okay to admit you feel...jeal–”

“Hey I’m _ not _jealous, I’m totally–”

“Okay, fine, fine, wrong word, not jealous. Just...well, unhappy. You’re not entirely happy that he’s seeing someone.”

“What? Yes I am! I’m _ so _ happy for him. You’re the one making me unhappy right now, making stuff up and pretending that I’m not happy for him because I am, he should date whoever he wants,” Mark says unhappily, but he’s not sure if it’s because Jaemin is wrong, or because Jaemin is right.

“And what if I am making you unhappy about this?” Jaemin asks. “If I’m making you unhappy right now, then you know what would make you happy?”

Mark sighs annoyedly. “What would make me happy?”

“If you ask yourself two questions.”

“What kind of questions?” Mark says skeptically.

“Just these two. One, why are you lying to me? And two, why can’t you just tell me the truth?” Jaemin says neutrally.

It’s like he’s a deer caught in the headlights, rendered completely frozen as he sees his entire life flash before his eyes before the vehicle slams into him and his head crashes into the glass and he’s tossed into the air, freefalling before he slams into the uneven pavement of the road.

“What?”

“This is Donghyuk we’re talking about, right? The same Hyuck who you flew out to Vancouver with you for Christmas? The same Hyuck who you wanted to be your backup so bad?” Jaemin says a bit more seriously now, crossing his arms.

“I…I don’t know? Yes? Yes, I know who Hyuck is. Why are you asking me to tell you the truth about Donghyuck? I–I know that Donghyuck is Donghyuck, Jaemin!”

Jaemin sighs. “Okay, well, just think about it. You don’t have to give me an answer right now.” 

“I don’t need to, I already gave you my answer.”

“Okay, well, thank you for answering, I guess,” Jaemin replies half-heartedly. “Anyways, I gotta go right now, but I’ll talk to you later.”

“Wait, but–”

“Sorry dude, I have to go meet with someone right now, so I’m going to cut this short,” Jaemin says curtly. “But we’ll talk later, okay?”

“O-okay.”

Jaemin ends the call, and Mark is stuck sitting on his desk, in the sweltering summer heat of the city, his mind frozen in the moment right before his head hits the pavement, perpetually and frustratingly fixated above the pavement that’s only inches away from his face, as if everything before impact has stretched out into an endless eternity. 

But even in that endless eternity, his heart still beats.

***

“Anyways, I have to, uh, go now,” Mark said as he started moving forward before giving Donghyuck a quick hug. “I’ll see you next year!” he added as he ran back to his car.

“Bye, Mark!” Donghyuck called back.

Then Mark turned off his hazards, and Donghyuck watched as he drove off into the left lane, before disappearing in the crowd of cars on the road to the airport.

He regarded the ugly Christmas sweater in his hands. It was hand-knitted, with blue yarn and some red and white stripes along it. There was a snowflake pattern made with some of the white yarn. Some embroidered gold ribbons and jingle bells have been stitched onto the sweater. 

It smelled like the hot chocolate Mark had made for him a couple of days ago, after he had woken up from his nap. And even though it was only a couple of days ago, it smelt nostalgic. As ridiculous as that sounded to Donghyuck, the smell and feel of Mark’s Christmas sweater made him feel sentimental for a holiday he thought he didn’t love.

But what had this trip ended up making him love more? Christmas? 

Or Mark?

***

“Hey, I saved you a seat,” Mark says as he takes his stuff off the chair in the coffee shop. 

“Thanks, Mark,” Taeyong replies. “So, what are you gonna do today?”

“Oh, I’m just gonna...um...well, work on some stuff, I guess,” Mark says stiffly, not sure of how to come up with a good lie for what he’s actually got pulled up on his laptop.

“Ah, work stuff? Yeah, that’s a bummer, I hate having to do work on the weekends,” Taeyong nods his head empathetically. “I mean, technically I don’t have to work today, but I still gotta work on a presentation I’m giving on Monday, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mark says.

_ Donghyuck would like this coffee shop, _he thinks.

Somehow, everything goes back to Donghyuck.

He should be working on a report that’s due on his boss’s desk on Monday. They’re supposed to go over the data from last week’s files in a meeting with the head manager for what’s working for their popular urban underground playlists. 

In reality, Mark is making a list of the pros and cons of being Donghyuck’s friend.

It’s a ridiculous idea, Mark realizes. If Donghyuck ever found out that he had made it, he would probably never hear the end of it. But if there’s one thing college and work had taught him, it’s that lists were effective if you really believed in what they were doing.

On one half of the page are the cons, of which there are some notable notes. For one, they don’t live in the same city, let alone the same state anymore. Long distance makes keeping in touch harder, and while he doesn’t want to grow apart, the longer he stays apart, the more he feels like there’s a greater risk Donghyuck will eventually slip away, and eventually they’ll just be “college friends” who see each other once every five years. After all, there’s no onus to put in the work to maintain a connection, it’s not like they’re in a long distance–

Mark shoves that thought to the side to stop it before he finishes it.

There’s also the fact that Donghyuck can be really annoying and at times, and very reactionary. He thinks back to their fight, over a year ago now, when Donghyuck had felt jealous and they’d yelled at each other. It brings up bad feelings, awful memories rushing into his mind. Of course, Donghyuck hasn’t been that way since, and even though he’s gotten closer with Taeyong, his roommates, and their friends, and he’s told Donghyuck about them, he’s never indicated that he felt left out or jealous.

Then again, Mark is doing his part in keeping in touch with Donghyuck, checking in with each other and talking about what’s going on in their lives. Not ignoring him and shutting him out again, like last time. Just talking to Donghyuck makes him feel stupidly happy.

He knows what this is. It’s just him projecting, pretending that Donghyuck is the jealous one, trying to make Mark equally as jealous by dating Yeji, to make him feel like...like…

Well, what is he supposed to feel? It’s confusing, because Donghyuck is his best friend. He’s supposed to be supportive of him, and be there for him, like Donghyuck has been for him, always checking in with him and responding to his texts and never shutting him out, like Mark had done to him. So why...why can’t he support Donghyuck dating Yeji? Why does he...why does he feel–

Again, Mark shoves that thought to the side to stop it before he finishes it.

He sighs as he takes a sip of his coffee.

“You okay?” Taeyong asks him. “You seem stressed?”

“What? Oh, yeah, yeah,” Mark says evenly. “I just...actually, well, this isn’t about work, but can I ask you a question?”

“Okay, sure, what’s up?” Taeyong says as he adjusts his position in his chair.

“I...I have this one friend, who I know from, um, a work party,” Mark words his thoughts carefully. “They don’t work at Spotify, they just came as someone’s plus one for a party. We’ve hit it off since then, and we’ve been friends for awhile, ever since that, uh, party.”

“Okay,” Taeyong nods along.

“And, well...well, we’re really good friends. You know, I guess I would...I would call them one of my best friends here, in New York,” Mark says. “After you guys, of course.”

“Ah, well that’s good to hear!” Taeyong says. “I’m glad you’re meeting new people and making new friends, Mark.”

“Yeah, me too,” Mark continues. “I just...I don’t know, I think...I think I might like this person, Taeyong. Like...want to date them. But...they’re dating someone, right now.”

“Mmmmmmmmm,” Taeyong hums. “I see your predicament.”

“Yeah, I just...I don’t want to ruin our friendship, you know?” Mark says. “I mean, we’re good friends, and they’re one of my best friends, so I don’t want to...ruin it, you know? Because our friendship really means a lot to me, and I don’t want to do anything to ruin it.”

“I see,” Taeyong nods as he crosses his arms. “Well, let’s say your friend and their partner broke up. If they broke up, would you date them, then?”

“I...yeah, I think? I don’t know,” Mark rubs his temples roughly, face scrunched up in frustration. “I don’t know what I would do if they were single.”

“Why don’t you know?”

“I just...I don’t know if I could go through with it.”

“Asking them out?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if you asked them out, do you think if you guys broke up, or like...it didn’t end well, it would ruin your friendship?”

“I...yeah,” Mark sighs tiredly, heart sinking at the thought of ever ruining or jeopardizing his friendship with Donghyuck over anything. Including this. “I think it would make things too awkward for us to be friends afterwards. I mean...how many people are still friends with their exes? Are you still friends with any of your exes?”

“Mmmm, well, technically, Johnny and Chungha are exes–”

“Wait, Johnny?!”

Taeyong laughs. “Ah, yeah, I guess I never told you. Me and Johnny hooked up at a party once. It wasn’t anything serious, we fooled around a bit more and we tried to go on a date but we realized we’re better off as friends. So technically, I guess we never dated, so he doesn’t really count as an ex. Though I like to think of him as one.”

“Oh...okay,” Mark says shockedly. “I didn’t...didn’t know that.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not like we try bringing it up at the dinner table,” Taeyong shrugs. “It’s just something that happened. Doesn’t change anything for us. Although I hope that doesn’t make you–”

“No, no! No, I, just, wow, I had no idea,” Mark says.

Taeyong nods. “Yeah, so me and Johnny fooled around a bit, but we never dated, so I guess technically...we’re not exes? Chungha though, you know, that was mutual, and we’re a lot happier as friends than we are as lovers.”

“So, was it...you know, awkward, between you and Chungha?” Mark asks.

“It was, at first,” Taeyong says. “We only dated for a couple of months, but after we stopped dating, hanging out with our friend group was really awkward. Not like, so bad that we couldn’t be in the same room, but it was weird, like we were dancing around things.”

“But what changed?”

“I guess we both realized that just because there weren’t any feelings left between us.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think we both, you know, moved on?” Taeyong replies. “Like, yeah, there were definitely some times when I missed her a lot. And she told me that she did miss me, sometimes. But eventually...I don’t know. We both moved on. And I’m still single, yeah, but Johnny and some other fun hookups have happened since.” He winks at Mark playfully.

Mark feels himself getting flustered. “Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s, uh, cool. Yeah, that’s cool–”

“I’m just playing, Mark,” Taeyong laughs. “Don’t worry, I don’t like you that way. You’re like a little brother to me.”

“Oh, yeah, that was, no! Okay, yeah, that was funny, I’m a little brother,” Mark stammers out.

Taeyong laughs a bit more. “So, did that help? Would you, you know, be able to move on, past your feelings for your coworker, if you did end up dating but then broke up?”

Mark flashes back to the crash as he feels himself become the deer in the headlights again. Midway, stuck in the air in that moment of time, inches away from the pavement as his body flies freefall in the sky. When he comes crashing down, will he land there on his feet, or will he slam headfirst into the icy pavement?

“I...well, how would I know, if we haven’t even dated?” Mark asks with uncertainty.

“That depends on how good of friends you were before you started dating,” Taeyong answers. “Me and Chungha knew each other through mutual friends but we never really hung out that much, yeah? Me and Johnny, we were close, but close enough to know that we were better off as friends than lovers. So, where are you with your co-worker?”

“I...I guess I don’t know,” Mark says softly. “Maybe somewhere in between.”

“Well, I guess you have to figure that out first, before you try asking them out,” Taeyong says. “Because it’s a scary thing, you know? Asking out a friend, no matter how close you guys are. But if you think it’ll work, I say you should go for it. If they break up with their partner, of course. Until then, I think you should give them space, or try to get over them, you know?”

“Get over them?” Mark repeats. “But, I don’t know if I was ever–”

“I know, I know, it’s like a crush or whatever and those come and go,” Taeyong says mildly. “But still, don’t get too hung up on this girl, or dude, or however they identify as, okay? There’s plenty of people in New York you can meet. I can even hook you up with a couple of people, if you want.”

_ But I don’t want to meet people_, Mark thinks sadly. 

He wants to meet Donghyuck again.

Because that’s the only pro on the list, and even with everything else on the pro side, it’s the only pro Mark will think of, being being friends with Donghyuck.

The pro that Donghyuck makes him feel loved, makes him feel like he’s in love, regardless of whether that’s as his best friend or something more.

***

As he boarded the plane and put his backpack underneath the seat in front of him, Donghyuck held Mark’s package in his hand. Brown paper package, tied up with string, one of Jaemin’s favorite things – or at least, what he liked to sing about in the kitchen.

Which reminded him of Mark, in his home kitchen, making hot chocolate, and it tasted really sugary and sweet but it made him feel so warm inside, almost like the way Mark made him feel whenever he talked about Christmas…

“...Will it warm me up? Or is it going to kill me, like your eggs?” he asked sarcastically.

Mark shook his head. “It won’t, promise. You’ll really like it.”

“Ah...okay,” he said.

He took the cup from Mark and held it above his knees, snuggling a bit warmer in the blankets. It smelled like peppermint, which was probably because of the candy cane Mark put in it. He took a sip – it was far too sweet, but he didn’t mind it. Even though the sugary taste coated his tongue, it still made him feel like something was glowing inside.

As the warmth radiated through his veins, slowly meandering up with every breath, that feeling grew brighter, cozier, stronger. Like a sun, he felt his space shine like the Christmas lights that Mark took him to see two days ago, full of iridescent colors and brightly lit glows. 

But it’s not like the sun, because in that infinite sable space that he found himself in again, he is not the center of gravity. Mark was his center of gravity, the hot chocolate was the catalyst to pull him closer and closer, and then–

–and then, he was here.

Here, in Mark’s living room, wrapped up snugly in cozy comfort of bedroom blankets, resting his back on the cushions of the couch, slowly sipping on holiday hot chocolate. The light emanating from the kitchen didn’t make everything cool; rather, Donghyuck thought the world looked sepia, everything in amber and beiges, except–

–except Mark. In his ugly Christmas sweater, with the blue and red stripes accented by the ribbons stitched onto the sweater. Mussy black hair scattered across his face, hazy hazel eyes twinkling with the kitchen lights. Who only looked at him softly. Warmly. Patiently.

Lovingly.

“So, how is it?” Mark asked expectantly.

He hesitated to answer. Why was he hesitating to answer?

Why did he feel like the gravity in the living room was too strong?

“It’s good, Mark,” he nodded. “It’s really sweet, though. I think you put way too much chocolate or sugar or something in it.”

“Ah, sorry,” Mark replied sheepishly. “I like mine really sweet, it makes me feel extra festive, you know? When it warms you up, it feels, like...like–”

“Like home?” Donghyuck finished.

A surprised expression colored Mark’s iridescent gravity. “Yeah! Like home,” Mark repeated cheerfully…

“Sorry, can I get in?”

"Huh?"

"Sorry! I'm the window seat," someone snapped him out of his thoughts.

Donghyuck looked up and saw a woman standing in the aisle.

“Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry,” he replied as he got up and let her into the window seat.

He sat back down and took the package in his hands, regarding it carefully.

Then, he decided to open it. 

***

Mark walks into his apartment complex after a long day at work, burnt out from the three meetings he had at work today. One before lunch, one after lunch, and one right before he got off work. He feels his body creak with exhaustion as his stomach growls in protest. Feeling lazy, he takes out his phone and orders some Chinese takeout to be delivered to the apartment.

He goes to the mailboxes and checks to see if there’s anything there for him. 

There is.

It’s a package. He checks the label, and sees that it’s for him. The return address is the one for his old apartment, back in LA. Where Donghyuck still is.

He sighs. It’s been a month since he last talked to Donghyuck. He took Taeyong up on his offer, went out on a couple of dates with some people he’d hooked him up with. But none of them made him feel like Donghyuck. There had been a guy, Jihoon, that he’d ended up liking and dating for a month and a half, before it burnt out and they’d called it off. But nothing felt like...like the spark. The moment when he knew…

“...Hey, um...so I’m getting picked up by my cousin, Taeil, in an hour or so,” Haechan said carefully. “He’s getting me some In-N-Out – you know, like, uh, last week, when I saw you at In-N-Out with Kun. Do you uh, want to get dinner with us? He’s really nice–”

“Yes!” Mark blurted out a bit too zealously before Haechan even finished.

Again, Haechan regarded him skeptically, and Mark realized he had answered too hastily. “Uh, I mean, yeah! I’d, uh, like to get In-N-Out, if that’s okay with you,” Mark said. “If you let me.”

“Uh, I am? That’s why I’m asking you?”

“Oh! Right, right,” Mark laughed nervously. “Uh, sure, yeah, then I’d, uh, like to come!”

Once again, Haechan sighed. “Mark Lee, you’re one of the biggest losers I’ve ever met.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Mark said with stride.

Haechan smirked back at him. “It wasn’t a compliment.”

“I know,” Mark grinned happily…

He shakes off the memories of that first summer and starts to walk up the stairs to their apartment. 

He’s seeing Donghyuck in a couple of weeks, with these feelings still there. He thought it would be easy to move on before he sees Donghyuck then, but now he’s not so sure, starting to doubt himself.

***

When Donghyuck opened the package, he wasn’t expecting what was inside.

There was a pair of navy blue flannel pajama pants, with red, blue, yellow, and green Christmas lights patterned on it. He remembered that Mark had picked them out, and Donghyuck had said that he had hated them. 

Donghyuck can’t help but smile. It reminded him of when he gave Mark a bottle of ketchup for his birthday, because he knew he hated the condiment.

A piece of paper poked out between one of the folds, and he took it in his hands. It was an index card, with a note written on it from Mark. 

_ Hi Haechannie, _

_ I got these Christmas pajamas for you, when we saw them in the store a couple of days ago. You didn’t like them, but that was the moment I knew I had to get them for you. _

_ I hope that my ugly Christmas sweater and pajamas remind you of Christmas with me. I don’t know if you’re ever going to come back to Vancouver to visit, but I hope you do. _

_ I know you don’t like Christmas, in general. But I hope when you got to spend it with me, you didn’t hate it as much as you did before you came to Vancouver. And even if you still hate the idea of Christmas, I hope you still like the sweater and pajamas. Think of them less as reminders of Christmas, and I guess more of reminders of your December days in Vancouver with me. _

_ Thanks for being my friend, Hyuck. It really means a lot that you came out to see Vancouver with me. I had a lot of fun. I hope you had a lot of fun too! I’ll see you next year! Isn’t that funny? Haha. _

_ I’ll catch you back at the apartment! _

_ \- Mark Lee _

***

As Mark warms up some old leftover rice, he looks back at the package on his desk. He wonders what it could be. The microwave beeps and he takes his rice out, takes his order of Chinese takeout off the kitchen table, and goes back to his room to sit in front of his desk. Responding to some emails, browsing SNS, reading some news articles, doing a bit of work. He finishes his food throws the containers in the trash and places his rice bowl in the sink.

When he walks back, the package from Donghyuck is still there.

Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him and he opens the package.

There’s an ugly Christmas sweater inside. It’s made of green yarn, except for the arm sleeves which are sewn with red yarn. It’s covered in felt, cut out to look like Christmas lights as white string connects the felt pieces. There’s a couple of snowflakes attached to it as well, and in the stomach area, there’s a felt Gingerbread man, with gumdrop buttons far too small and a red icing mouth far too big. 

It looks so ridiculous, Mark almost laughs out loud. The burning feeling in his chest comes back again, sparked again by the gift.

There was a notecard that fell out from when he unfolded it. Mark picks it up, and sees that it’s a note from Donghyuck.

_ Hi Loser Lee, _

_ Two years ago, I got an ugly Christmas sweater from you. So, this year I thought I’d return the favor. I know you’re coming to visit LA in a couple weeks, but I figured that you needed to this to distract from how ugly you are, yeah? _

_ Just kidding! Of course I know you’re passable for handsome. I would write something sappy, but we talk every week and you’re annoying. Hope you like your Christmas gift! Because this is all you’re getting from me for Christmas. _

_ See you soon. _

_ -Haechannie _

***

“Hello, is this Canada calling?”

“Hyuck! Hey, where are you?” Mark says as he exits customs and makes his way down to baggage claim, rolling his carry-on luggage beside him and adjusting the left strap on his backpack.

“Hey, so we’re currently trying to get into the arrivals area, there’s a lot of traffic today and it’s kind of a drag,” Renjun says over the phone. “We’ll get you soon, can you just hang tight in front of the terminal. You flew United, right?”

“Yeah, Terminal 7!” he says as he passes by the airport carousels.

“Okay, just hang tight, we’ll be there soon.”

“Okay, see you then!”

“Bye, Canada!”

17:46. Los Angeles International Airport. Too crowded and bright inside, too busy and noisy outside. The stalled screech of traffic and honks of impatient cars fill the roads, everyone trying to find curbside parking. It’s dark out, unusually chilly, even for Mark, who’s just flown in from Vancouver at the start of the New Year. The stench of cigarettes and unkempt pavement permeates with a pungent fury across the cold winter air.

Mark sits down atop his carry-on, nestling himself comfortably as he takes out his phone and skips the current song playing, trying to find something that’ll be more fun and agreeable to listen to. He considers going to the playlist he currently manages on Spotify, but decides to skip through a couple more songs on this playlist before giving up on it.

_ I used to rule the world– _

Skip.

_ I gotta feeling– _

Skip.

_ I thought that I was dreamin' when you– _

Skip.

_ Lights go out and I– _

Skip.

_ She take my money when I’m in– _

Skip.

_ Heyyo, GG! _

Skip.

_ 시작은 달콤하게 평범하게– _

Skip.

_ We were both young when I first saw you… _

Mark’s heart skips a beat.

_ I close my eyes, and the flashback starts, I'm standing there... _

He closes his eyes, and there it is again, the forest where he first heard Donghyuck sing. It’s winter now, glistening white snowflakes sprinkling onto the ground, the barren trees providing no resistance to the powdery snowfall. It should be cold, and he’s not wearing any shoes as he trudges through the thick snow barefoot, but it’s not cold. If anything, his entire body feels warm.

He remembers the sound of Donghyuck’s voice, the way he sang so sweetly as he played through the chords on his guitar, each cadence, each note, each vowel so beautiful. The fuzzy, cozy feeling fills into him slowly.

_ And I was crying on the staircase, begging you, "please don't go…” _

It’s their apartment now, back in April over a year ago now, when Donghyuck had yelled at him when he had gotten home. And then they had fought, and said awful, nasty, horrible things about each other. They had both cried, hot angry tears streaming down their faces, and then he hurt Donghyuck. All Donghyuck had asked was for him to stay, but he didn’t.

He runs back into the forest, back into the snow. Now it feels cold.

_ So close your eyes, escape this town for a little while… _

It’s the rose garden again. There’s no bloom this winter. The snow covers the plants, only the thorny spikes jutting out from the branches. A searing heat flashes across his hands – he looks at them, and there are those rosy guitar string scars across his palms and fingers.

_ I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around… _

He’s not going to cry. Not here, at the airport. Not right before Renjun and Donghyuck pick him up. He needs to keep them in, don’t let them out. Because he’s so scared of what happens if he admits that he has those feelings.

It’s wrong, he thinks. He knows it’s wrong to think of Donghyuck that way, to still not be over him, not when he’s in a relationship with Yeji. Not when Donghyuck sounded so happy over the phone, last time he had FaceTimed him and talked about his date with Yeji that day. It hurt so bad, but he kept that feeling away. It’s what he did best – just shutting his own feelings out.

But he’s so, so tired of feeling like he’s just shutting himself out, just waiting for the right moment to stop keeping these feelings away. What if there never is a right moment? What if...what if he just has to ask Donghyuck? 

But if there’s never a right moment, does that mean it’s wrong? Is it wrong, to be in love with your best friend like this? What if that moment never comes around? What if his love is not what is good and right? What if it's all wrong? What if it’s not meant to be, and he’s just has to accept that and move on? Is that the right thing to do?

If it’s wrong to have feelings for Donghyuck, and it’s wrong to be in love with your best friend, then why can’t Mark accept that it’s a mistake? When he had made the mistake of leaving their apartment after their awful fight instead of staying to talk, he owned up to it. So why can’t Mark do it now? Why can’t Mark just own up to the fact that his love for Donghyuck is just a huge mistake?

Why does he not want loving Donghyuck to be his huge mistake?

_ Is this in my head? I don't know what to think _–

BEEP! BEEP!

“Mark!” he hears through his headphones.

Mark opens his eyes and sees Donghyuck and Renjun waving at him from the car, now parked right in front of him. He pauses the song and smiles at the two of them. “Hey, how’d you find me?”

“Oh, you know, just had to look for the loser!” Donghyuck yells as he opens the door and jumps out in–

–in his ugly Christmas sweater and holiday pajamas that he gave him two years ago, when he came to visit Vancouver with him.

“Oh, you’re wearing–”

“I know, right?!” Donghyuck shouts excitedly as he hugs Mark warmly. “Thought you would like it. Consider it my late Christmas gift to you, since you’re only here for less than a week and I didn’t get to see you before then. Come on, let’s get your stuff in the car.”

Donghyuck releases Mark from his embrace and feels very confused when he sees Mark look at him with a shocked, speechless expression.

“Uh, earth to Mark? Are you still there?” Donghyuck asks.

He’s wearing his sweater.

“Mark?”

Donghyuck is wearing his ugly Christmas sweater.

“Yo, Loser Lee!” Renjun shouts through the window from the driver’s seat. “Witty Lee is asking you if you’re still alive!”

“What? Oh, yeah, yeah!” Mark snaps out of it quickly. “Sorry, sorry, I just, uh, feel overwhelmed, wow, it’s been...it’s been–”

“Almost a year since we’ve seen each other in person?” Donghyuck finishes for him, playful smile on his face. “Yeah, me too. I’ve missed this moment. These moments. Like this one.”

“Like wha–”

Renjun honks the car horn again. “Come on! We don’t have all day. Get in losers, we’re going shopping!”

* * *

_ **Can I go where you go?** _

The past week has been a lot of fun with Mark. Really fun. He’s missed these moments with him, seeing him, getting dinner with him, going shopping, making fun of him for his aversion to ketchup, just having him back in the apartment and chilling and hanging out with the six of them.

But now it’s come to an end, and Donghyuck has borrowed Taeil’s car to drop Mark back off at the airport. But something, a lingering feeling, still hangs over his head.

***

“Donghyuck, I have something to tell you,” Mark said excitedly in the car as they sat on the 405, deadlocked in rush hour traffic.

“Oh, what is it?” Donghyuck asked.

Mark grinned at him with a beaming wide smile. “I’m moving back to LA!”

Renjun braked a little too hard. “WHAT!?”

“What?!” Donghyuck repeated shockedly.

“Oh my god, Mark!” Renjun almost screeched with euphoric glee. “I could hug you right now, if I wasn’t driving! Oh my god!”

“What?! How? When? Why?” Donghyuck asked in rapid fire succession.

Mark continued grinning at the both of them happily. “I got the call two days ago, from my boss, asking me if I wanted to take a position in the Spotify building in downtown! It’s the same position, they just asked if I wanted to move back to LA, because they know I went to college there and have connections and did my internship out here!”

“Oh my god! When?!” Renjun asked excitedly.

“In February!” Mark grinned. “I end at the end of the month, and then I move back out here in February.”

“Oh my god!” Donghyuck said shockedly. “That’s great! That’s...that’s amazing, wow, I’m so excited for you, Mark!”

***

Mark keeps talking about how excited he is to move back to LA, and to see the six of them and the rest of his friends that are still around the area. Donghyuck, however, feels his mind wandering, lost somewhere else.

He hadn’t been stuck in a speechless stupor when Mark first surprised them with the news because he was excited. It was because he felt very, very conflicted.

Donghyuck had just broken up with Yeji a little over a month ago, right before finals. It had been mutual – she wanted to move in together, Donghyuck thought that was moving too fast, she didn’t want to keep dating someone who didn’t want to move forward with her, and then it had only escalated, and eventually that was the end of the conversation. It hadn’t been the prettiest or nicest conversation, but they remained on good terms. 

Surprisingly, it hadn’t been that hard to move on. He had missed her at first, but once they had decided to be civil to each other and got together for a coffee study session, it didn’t feel as awkward. There’s still lingering tension, and he knows she’s still hurt, but they’re slowly moving forward. At least they’re not bitter exes who hate each other – that much is a relief.

But Donghyuck doesn't know what to do now, because he never thought Mark was going to move back to LA. He figured that this week, he could just say goodbye to Mark, see him in another year, and find someone else. Distance had helped those feelings subside. Dating Yeji, feeling happy in a relationship with someone else, that had definitely helped those feelings subside, getting over Mark.

And he had been happy with Yeji. She was the best girlfriend he could have asked for, no question about it. He didn’t want to break up with her. But it was moving too fast, and the timing wasn’t working. He needed space, but she wanted to share that space, and that conflict of interest was where they couldn’t see eye to eye.

But recently breaking up with Yeji, and the news of Mark moving back to L.A...it brought back a whole rush of emotions that he thought he had gotten over.

***

“So...are you ever going to tell him?” Renjun asked knowingly as they drove to the airport to pick up Mark.

“Tell him what?” Donghyuck said neutrally.

“Tell him that you have feelings for–”

“_Had _ feelings,” Donghyuck corrected him. “I _ had _feelings for Mark. I don’t anymore.”

“Then why–”

“I already told you, it was mutual,” Donghyuck sighed exasperatedly, annoyed that he was having this conversation with Renjun again. “She wanted to move too fast for me, I wanted to move to slow for her. And we both agreed that if we couldn’t compromise on that, we probably couldn’t compromise on more serious stuff in the future.”

“I know,” Renjun said evenly. “But still...you can’t keep being in denial, Hyuck. You’ve tried that for so long, almost a year now? Since he left? And it’s clear you still haven’t gotten over him.”

“But there’s nothing to get over,” Donghyuck huffed tiredly. “There’s nothing to get over because we never were dating in the first place. And he’s one of my best friends, Injunnie! What if he doesn’t feel the same? I can’t...I can’t risk it, not knowing he’s going to return my feelings.”

“But you never know–”

“No, I do know,” Donghyuck sighs. “I know, because if he felt that way, he would have said something by now. He would have asked me. But he hasn’t, because we’re just friends. And I don’t want to ruin that. Maybe...maybe that’s for the best.”

Renjun exhaled disappointedly as they moved forward a bit, stuck in a deadlock as everyone was trying to merge on the offramp for the airport.

“But what if there’s a chance that he likes you back?” Renjun said. “What if there’s a chance that you know, he feels the same way as you?”

“Then wouldn’t he have said something by now?” Donghyuck responded. “He’s known me for what, three and a half years now? And he hasn’t said anything? It’s not happening. And besides, he’s only here for five days. And then he flies back to New York. And then I’ll still be here in LA, or back in Korea after I graduate. And then what?”

“I know, but–”

“But _ nothing_, Renjun. Nothing will happen because nothing can. Even if he felt the same, that’s moving way too fast. And I don’t want to do long distance. And it doesn’t matter, because I _ don’t _have those feelings for him anymore,” he said frustratedly. “Can you please drop it? I don’t want to keep talking about this.”

Renjun stared at him with a hard, unflinching glance, but eventually relented. “Alright, I’ll drop it. Sorry if I made you upset.”

“You didn’t, I just...I just don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Donghyuck sighed painfully.

Renjun didn’t have a chance to bring it up again. Donghyuck’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he took it out. It was Mark calling.

“Hello, is this Canada calling?” he asked playfully without a trace of longing, heartbreak, want, love in his voice. Renjun rubbed Donghyuck’s left shoulder empathetically, and maybe it did help ease the burning sensation in his heart.

“Hyuck! Hey, where are you?” Mark replied.

***

They’re at a traffic light, waiting for it to turn green so they continue down these busy streets with their busy lives.

“Did I tell you about how Taeyong and Yuta made me a tip jar so I could get takeout because they didn’t want me to cook in the kitchen?”

“Oh, really? That’s not a surprise,” Donghyuck replies, half-sarcastically and half-distractedly. 

“Yeah, so what happened was that…”

Donghyuck wishes Mark would turn green, or something, anything, would indicate him to get the go-ahead to ask Mark about his feelings. But it’s not happening. It can’t happen. 

They’re friends. They’re best friends, and Donghyuck doesn’t want to risk losing Mark.

His mind flashes back to when Mark left him after their fight, walked out the door when he had asked him to stay. Breaking down in tears on the kitchen floor, feeling alone and useless and worthless. Mark had come back, and slowly made it up to him, and he’d forgiven Mark. But that feeling has stayed with him since.

He felt it when Mark walked out the apartment door for graduation. He felt it when Mark walked out apartment door for the last time, with his suitcase and backpack, moved out, and he had come back to his room, devoid of any remnants of Mark.

And he felt it when he had walked out of their apartment door this morning, Mark right by his side, as they made their way to Taeil’s car so he could drive Mark back to the airport. 

Every time Mark was going to leave, and he wouldn’t see him, the memories of him leaving after their fight spread into a frightening stain across his chest, a jetblack blotch devoid of light. There is no gravity in that void, just emptiness, an empty, hollow feeling stuck in his heart.

He can’t risk losing Mark.

But maybe...just maybe, Mark is worth risking everything, losing everything for.

Donghyuck sighs uncomfortably. He doesn’t know what to do anymore. Every time he wants to admit his true and honest feelings for Mark, this pitch black stain blinds and binds him down. And yet every time he lets himself into that void, let that darkness swallow him up whole, let those feelings and memories wash over him, a burning sensation flickered in the darkest parts of the void.

It’s the same feeling he’s had ever since Mark talked to him about Christmas. The same feeling he felt on Mark’s living room couch in Vancouver, that feeling grew brighter, cozier, stronger and hotter until the shadows were but a dream as it exploded into a bright, hot nebula, a golden amber sun of...of…

...of love.

***

“Oh look, now you two indirectly kissed each other,” Donghyuck said as he took his hands off of Renjun’s mouth. Served him right, being a big blabbermouth and trying to say that Donghyuck had fallen in love with Mark when he’d visited him in Vancouver.

“Oh shut up, Hyuck,” Renjun said indignantly.

“Wait, we did?” Jeno stammered out flusteredly.

“Hey. That’s hot,” Jaemin winked as he licked his lips.

“Ewwww, don’t be gross at dinner,” Chenle shoved Jaemin’s shoulder.

“Seriously though, can we just have a normal dinner?” Jisung said annoyedly.

“Since when is there ever a normal dinner with us?” he asked them.

“Fair point,” Jaemin agreed. “Jeno’s the only normal one here. But that’s because he’s so incredibly boring.”

Jeno pouted. “I’m not boring,” he said stubbornly.

“Sorry, did you hear something?” Renjun asked Jaemin. “I think it sounded kind of boring?”

“You guys are being dumb,” Jeno grumbled.

“And you’re just a bore,” Renjun teased.

“And cute, but also so, so dumb,” Jaemin said.

“Guess you really are a boredom, Jeno,” Donghyuck finished and they all laugh at that.

Donghyuck enjoyed this, having dinner with the seven of them again, having Mark back in town, joke around and banter with him again, even if it was only for a couple more days.

He had moved to New York to continue working at the company he interned for after he graduated last winter, and to be closer to home. It was hard, sometimes, not being able to see him.

But they always managed to keep in touch. It was hard, resisting Mark, who drew him in like gravity. It was magnetic.

Of course, there were still his best friends back here, who he loved dearly. He had never felt as close to anyone in his life as he did to Renjun and Jeno and Jaemin. Chenle and Jisung too. They’re more than just his friends. They’re his family. But with Mark, it wasn’t just that. Something felt different.

It felt like honey. Sweet, sticky, and tacky. Clinging to Donghyuck’s heart ever since Mark had left, like gravity refusing to let him leave its pull. Even though he had been across the country for the past year, far and away from him, he still thought of Mark all the time, making sure to call or text him whenever he could.

He’d been through a lot of firsts with Mark. His first music class. His first apartment roommate. His first best friend from Canada. And his first large, serious fight.

He’d known Mark for three summers now, but it was what felt like a lifetime. Ever since that happenstance encounter in Starbucks, and their night out getting In-N-Out with Taeil and Seulgi, Donghyuck had slowly but surely grown fond of Mark’s company. Of his smile, his laugh, his flustered stammering, his entire being. And as he sat there, enjoying Mark’s company, feeling happy just being with Mark at dinner again, he wanted this lifetime to be with Mark. He wanted Mark. He loved Mark.

And it still scared him, how Mark is the first person he loved this much. It scared him to think about the fact that maybe, just maybe, he might not just be falling in love with Mark anymore.

***

Because now, he is, without a doubt, in love with Mark.

He loves Mark.

He’s never stopped loving Mark.

And yet no matter how much he loves Mark, no matter how bright the sun in his heart shines bright across the darkness of the infinite cosmos and dark matter of the universe, the ink black stain always comes back. It comes back, and swallows that feeling whole.

And then the sun grows from nowhere and explodes again.

And it repeats, again, and again, and again, and again, and again–

–and it’ll never end.

It’ll never end.

He realizes now that this could go on forever. It could go on forever, until either those feelings shine so bright that it’ll forever be burned into his chest, and the flames will consume him, and there will be nothing left but ashes of many a missed chance.

Or those feelings become so dark, so blinding, so bleakly stygian that he won’t even know who Mark is anymore, who he is anymore, because he’ll have left before he could outrun the shadows.

Either way, they both end in regret. In eternal condemnation and reprobation and affliction of never knowing what could have been. Of what will have gotten away.

And as he drives to the airport terminal, humming along or just nodding his head and listening to Mark absentmindedly, pulls onto the curb, he realizes that he doesn’t want to live with regrets. Not now, not ever.

And Mark is his friend, and even after he does this, everything changes, at least he’ll know that letting Mark slip away and leave will never be his biggest regret.

“Alright, well, I guess this is where I leave,” Mark says bittersweetly, taking off his seatbelt to hug Donghyuck, a goofy grin on his face. And it’s almost automatic, how his heart beats fast, his hands move to hug the small of Mark’s back, his lips utter “I’m going to miss you, Mark” like it’s instinctual at this point.

***

“Hey, can I ask you something, Hyuck?” Renjun said as he walked into his room a year ago, right after Mark, Jeno, and Jaemin had left for his graduation ceremony.

“Yeah, sure, what’s up?” Donghyuck replied.

“Do you, you know, have any feelings for Mark?”

It was like he was a cartoon character, and an anvil had just dropped on his head.

“What?”

“Well, you know, now that Mark’s moving to New York, and he’s not living here anymore...are you going to admit that you like Mark?”

“What?!”

“Oh, is it not just like? Is it love–”

“I don’t, I don’t,” Donghyuck denied adamantly. “I don’t...I don’t have any feelings for him.”

“Hyuck…”

“I don’t!”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“But there’s nothing to tell! I don’t like him like that!” he yelped almost angrily. “I...I don’t like Mark that way, Renjun.”

“Is it because you love him in that way, instead?” Renjun said rhetorically.

Donghyuck sighed. “Okay, fine. Maybe, just...just maybe, I _ had _ feelings for him. But they’re just...they’re just _ loving _feelings, not feelings of love.”

“Okay.”

“I mean, clearly, I have loving feelings for Mark. But that doesn’t mean I’m still in love–”

“Still in love?”

“No, no! You don’t– don’t twist my words–”

“But you literally just said–”

“Stop!” Donghyuck said exasperatedly. “Stop! Okay! I don’t have any feelings for him, okay? I mean, I have affectionate, happy, best friend feelings for him.”

“Affectionate, happy, best friend feelings like you do for me?” Renjun said skeptically.

“Yes, exactly! Exactly,” Donghyuck gesticulated erratically, arms waving about. “Yes, just those feelings. And even if there were other feelings, it doesn’t mean anything.”

“There are other feelings?”

“Well, I...no! There are none.”

“None? But didn’t you just say–”

“Okay, I mean, yes, there are other feelings besides those happy affectionate best friend feelings, but that doesn’t mean those feelings are love, or that I am in love with him, because I _ am _ in love with him–”

Donghyuck gasped, shocked at his unconscious slip-up.

“So you _are _in love with him,” Renjun said as he crossed his arms.

“Oh my god,” Donghyuck said panickedly, shaky hands failing to cover his mouth, his jaw dropped in disbelief. “Oh my god. I...did I just say that?”

Renjun just looked at him expectantly.

“Oh my god, did I just–”

“Oh come on, maybe everyone else is oblivious because of friendship bias, but it’s not hard to see for me,” Renjun said calmly. “You clearly have feelings for him. It’s just obvious, you know? It would be like Jaemin admitting he loves iced Americanos, or Jeno admitting he loves cats.”

“But I...no, but still! I’m not saying anything, it’s too late,” Donghyuck said. “And you! You’re no saying anything either. If any of this gets out I swear–”

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Renjun recited as he crossed his heart with his index finger. “Like I said, I won’t tell anyone. Promise.”

Donghyuck sighed. “Then why, why are you doing this? Why are you asking me?”

“I just...I just wanted to know why you seemed so miserable,” Renjun said softly. “I mean, I’m sad about Mark leaving and graduating too, but you...you’re really sad about it, Hyuck. It’s like you just lost a loved one. Someone you loved. And well, that’s...that’s why I asked.”

“But–”

“I’m not doing this to tell Jaemin, or anyone, or to use it against you, or try and get you and Mark together,” Renjun continued. “I just want to be there for you, okay? I just want to help you feel better, and do what I can, as your friend, okay? You can trust me, Hyuck.”

“I...thanks, Renjun,” Donghyuck said, sighing heavily as he sank into the living room couch. Renjun sat down next to him and hugged him tightly, rubbing his hand across Donghyuck’s back.

“You could try telling him at the Christmas slash graduation party that Yeri and his old apartment are throwing for him tomorrow, you know?” Renjun suggested. “I mean, who knows when you’ll see him again. Why not try? Just tell him how you feel.”

“Because I just...because it’s too late,” Donghyuck said. “I missed my chance. I could’ve said something this summer, or at least before he was leaving. But...but I blew it. I waited too long, I tried thinking of the right time, or for him to say something first, and I…”

“And you're still scared of ruining what you have,” Renjun said understandingly. “Of losing everything you worked on ever since you two got in that huge fight and made up. Of him leaving forever and there was no chance he’s going to come back from New York.”

He choked back a sob. He wasn’t going to cry. Not right now. It felt far too uncannily similar to back in April, when Renjun held him tightly on the kitchen floor as he broke down in his and Jeno and Jaemin’s arms.

“I just...I don’t ever want to go back there again,” Donghyuck said tearfully. “I don’t want to lose him again. I don’t want to lose him permanently. And if that means...if that means putting my...my love for him aside, so I don’t scare him away again, then I’ll...then I’ll do it. Because I can’t lose him, Injunnie.”

“I know, Hyuckie,” Renjun whispered softly. “I know. Because he’s your best friend.”

***

But if he doesn’t say anything to Mark now, or ever, then Donghyuck is going to lose himself permanently to either the light or the dark. He’ll lose himself and he won’t know who he is, he’ll be nothing but a lost shell, back on his knees on the apartment’s kitchen floor after Mark had left when he felt like he didn’t know who he was anymore.

“Call me when you get to New York, okay?” he says, but it doesn’t sound like it’s coming out of his mouth, it sounds like it’s coming from a place far, far away.

“Yeah!” Mark smiles back. “I’ll...I’ll see you next time, when I’m back in LA in February!”

He hugs Donghyuck for one last time before he walks into the airport terminal.

It feels so warm. Not burning like a sun, not frozen like shadows. Just a warm, enveloping completeness. Like Mark is a part of him that’s missing, that neither the sun nor the shadows can fill. Like Mark completes him.

Mark is going to be in LA.

He steps back into the car, and turns off his hazards.

Mark...he won’t leave. He’s coming back. He’s coming back to LA. And Donghyuck...Donghyuck would be here, when he came back.

His hands are shaking on the gear as he puts the car from Park to Drive.

_ Do you, you know, have any feelings for Mark? _

Stop.

_ Is it because you love him in that way? _

He’s not losing himself. 

Even if he loses Mark, even if he loses his best friend, at least he’ll have lost him to save himself from these feelings trying to subsume his entire being completely. Because no one, no matter how much he loves them, was worth losing his own sense of self for. 

And for Mark, he’s willing to lose everything, except that.

Because then he would never be able to love anyone like he loves Mark, ever again.

_ What if there’s a chance that you know, he feels the same way as you? _

Fuck it.

He swerves into the left lane, he doesn’t care if he’s cut people off and there’s pissed off cars honking behind him. No accident, no problem.

He speeds to make the light before it turns left, and rushes into the parking structure. Quickly presses the button to take the ticket, speeds through, thankfully finds parking on the second level, right near the stairs. Jumps out, sprints to the stairs, flies down the flights of steps as he rushes across the bridge to the airport terminal.

He speeds down the escalator steps, looking for Mark in the crowd and–

–and there he is. In the line before he has to check in with security, and then he’s really going to miss Mark and there’s no way he can get past that.

Thank god Renjun had suggested he drop Mark off for his flight four hours early. And that Renjun said Hyuck should ask Taeil if he could borrow his car to drop Mark off at the airport.

There’s still time.

Maybe Renjun knew.

Of course Renjun knew. Renjun somehow knows everything.

He’ll thank Renjun later for helping him realize what and idiot he’s been this entire time.

“MARK!” he shouts as he runs across the slippery linoleum floor, dangerously close to tripping, but he doesn’t care as he rushes forward.

Mark doesn’t hear him, his earbuds are in, probably volume turned up too loud, no matter how many times Jaemin has scolded him about losing his hearing.

“MARK!!!” he shouts again as he gets closer, waving his arms, trying to get his attention. “MARK LEE!!! WAIT!!!”

Mark still doesn't hear or see him coming.

"MARRRRKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!"

A man behind Mark in line taps his shoulder. Mark turns around and looks behind him, and then the man says something, and points towards Donghyuck as he runs towards him. Mark meets Donghyuck eyes, filled wide with surprise.

“Hyuck?!” Mark shouts incredulously as he takes the earbuds out.

“Mark!!!” Donghyuck almost shouts with elated happiness, breathing heavily as he starts to catch his breath.

“Hyuck!” Mark says as he moves out of security line, weaving through the security queue line stand banisters as he navigates his clunky carry-on. He accidentally hits someone with his backpack and apologizes profusely as he ducks under the final line banister and walks over towards Donghyuck.

“What is it? What’s wrong, Haechannie?!” Mark asks concernedly.

“I just...I just realized, you forgot something in the car,” Donghyuck says nervously. “And I...I am the idiot who forgot to give it to you, stupid! Stupid, silly me! Can you come back to the car with me, to get it, really quick?”

“Oh! Yeah, sure, thank you!” Mark says. “I thought I had forgotten something, thank you! Thank you, what was it?”

“Oh, your, uh...your sweater,” Donghyuck lies. “And your hat. You left both of them in the backseat, you forgot them.”

“Oh, I knew it!” Mark says. “I thought I’d left something back there. Yeah, let’s go get them really quick, do you mind–”

“No, yeah, lemme get your luggage for you.”

They walked back to his car, and in all honesty, Donghyuck had no idea Mark’s hat and sweater were back there – he thought he was just making that up. His sweatshirt is under the passenger seat instead of on the backseat though. Mark also remembers he forgot his jacket back in Donghyuck’s room Donghyuck tells him that he can just give it back to him when he moves back to LA.

“Okay, well, thank you again, Hyuck!” Mark hugs him. “I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, yeah! Yeah, see you in February,” Donghyuck says too breezily.

“Bye, Hyuck!” Mark says as he waves back at him.

_ You’re really sad about it, Hyuck, _ Renjun had said. _ It’s like you just lost a loved one. Someone you loved. And well, that’s...that’s why I asked. _

A loved one.

He’s not losing his loved one.

He’s not losing this chance with Mark. 

“Wait! Mark, wait!” Donghyuck chases after him, running in front of Mark to stop him from taking another step forward.

A confused expression comes across Mark’s face again. “Oh, hi again! What’s wrong? Did I forget something else?”

“Actually, uh...yes, except, that’s not something, uh, that you forgot, per say,” Donghyuck stammers flusteredly.

Donghyuck feels flustered, his legs shaking badly. He briefly wonders if this is how Mark feels whenever Donghyuck manages to get under his skin and get him all embarrassed.

“I did?” Mark says confusedly. “What else did I forget?”

“It’s not something you forgot, Mark.”

“What? But you just said that–”

Donghyuck cuts him off as he grabs onto Mark’s cheeks tightly, pulls him in as close as possible. And then closes his eyes as he kisses Mark on his rosy lips.

In those brief five seconds, the burning sunlight and subsuming shadows fade away. It’s not light and dark, but rather black and white, values and contrasts, shades of grey and sepia. Except for Mark. Who’s there, in his ugly Christmas sweater, handing Donghyuck his mug of hot chocolate with the striped peppermint candy cane and white marshmallows in it. Mark, who’s as colorful and warm and fuzzy as the hot chocolate, filling and soothing his soul, making all his doubts fade away. Mark, who tastes like hot chocolate, and candy canes, and peppermint. Who smells the same as the ugly Christmas sweater he gave him two years ago. Who feels feel plush, soft, warm against his own lips. 

Mark, who feels like home.

In that span of time, in that infinite span of space across the galaxies of the universe, Mark is the only person to ever exist. And as those five seconds pass along according to the known laws of the universe, the stars glisten in the dark, ink-stained void of space that surrounds him, twinkling speckles of freckles appearing across the shadows.

And in that infinite space of stars and constellations painted across the dark interstellar unknown, the sun in his heart stops burning like a supernova, venerates a noble, gentle glow, like a newborn nebulous notch that nooks itself deep into his navel. Like a slow, deep burn of fascination turned into a friendship that turned into love forevermore, as the burning sensation lingers across his lips. 

Two years ago, Donghyuck wondered what it would be like if Mark’s gravity became too strong and he ended up free falling and crashing into Mark.

Now, he knows that no matter what happens after, he’ll never regret the feeling of crashing his lips into Mark’s.

He’ll never, ever regret loving Mark.

And then the sixth second approaches, and Donghyuck pulls away, opening his eyes. Mark only looks at him, completely surprised, stupefied into silence by his kiss.

“I...I love you,” Donghyuck says softly.

“I...what?” Mark says softly, intimately, bewilderedly. Entire body standing completely still, no resistance in his eyes, his whole face slack as he looks back at Donghyuck with those wide, hazy hazel eyes twinkling with the kitchen lights. Only looking at him softly, warmly, patiently…

“I...I love you, Mark Lee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next week at In-N-Out! ;D
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues) | [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues) | [official Lover playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ZkOabBMhNqXQQejm34G0G?si=h8wvYOKzQ8SOcUd71ucQCQ)


	11. Sparks Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a Thursday night. Haechan’s summer sublet roommate, Kun, had asked him if he wanted to get In-N-Out with him, his brother, and his friend named Yukhei.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed the last chapter :D Once again, I'd like to emphasize the non-linear narrative. Things happen in this story out of order. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this story! You can probably tell from the summary how this chapter is going to go.

** _Can we always be this close, forever and ever?_ **

“Hey, I saved you a seat!” Mark says as he pats the space next to him.

“Mark, you don’t have to save me a seat...it’s In-N-Out...” 

“I know, but still.”

Haechan sighs. Why did he invite Mark to get In-N-Out with him again?

“Aww, you’re so sweet, Mark!” Seulgi says cheerfully.

Sometimes Mark reminds Haechan of a dumb, insistent puppy.

A cute, dumb, insistent little puppy.

His cute, dumb, insistent little puppy.

This would be one of those times.

***

“Haechan, hey, Haechan!” Mark called out to him in the Starbucks.

But Haechan’s earbuds were in, so Mark figured he was probably listening to music really loudly, or something.

When he moved to the front of the line, as the barista was taking his order, Mark saw the barista point and motion towards his way. Haechan glanced over, made brief eye contact with Mark, nodded his head toward him, and then immediately went back to ordering his drink.

It definitely hurt more than he thought it would. Even though he knew that Haechan still didn’t like him and still wouldn’t accept his apology for spilling coffee on him, he thought at the very least Haechan respected him enough to acknowledge him outside of class.

Ignoring him would’ve been bad enough. Instead, Haechan had ignored him, then acknowledged him, and barely greeted him. He felt as dejected as one could feel on a Wednesday morning in July. He didn’t know how they were going to be partners for this project – what was he supposed to do? If Haechan hated him forever for spilling coffee on him, there was no way they were going to do well. Maybe he should email Professor Park and tell her that he needed to find a new project partner.

“No.”

He looked up and around, wondering if someone had said that – it was Seulgi, Yeri’s friend, talking on the phone as she poured some cream into her cup of coffee. He noticed that Haechan was no longer in the Starbucks – he must have dashed out to avoid Mark seeing him. Mark sighed and decided to not try waving hi to Seulgi, given his luck with Haechan. She walked out of the Starbucks five seconds later, on the phone with someone named Taeil, telling him that she couldn’t make it to dinner somewhere else because she was around here instead.

Regardless, he knew how he felt deep down. If he didn’t want to be friends with Haechan, or at least try to be nice to him and get to know him, he wouldn’t be this hung up on it. Mark had no idea why Haechan being so aloof made Mark want to know more about him, or why he wanted to be Haechan’s friend. Sometimes feelings could be complicated, and Mark wouldn’t know what to do or say – he only knew that his feelings were honest.

So, he decided that he would give it one last shot. He would meet Haechan in two days, when they had scheduled to meet up to work on their project together in the music rooms. That would be his final attempt. And if Haechan still didn’t want to be his friend after that, then Mark was just going to have to accept it and deal with the fact that as stubborn as he was, Haechan was even more stubborn and wouldn’t be his friend, and they were just going to be project partners for the summer and leave it at that, nothing more, nothing less.

***

“Hey, do you kids want ketchup?” Taeil asks them.

“Not a kid,” Haechan says stubbornly.

“I’m good, thank you though,” Mark replies. “Thanks for getting our orders, Taeil!”

“No problemo,” he smiles as he walks over to the counter to get their burgers and fries.

Seulgi gets up and says she’s going to go to the bathroom really quick. This just leaves Mark and Haechan at the table, which proves to be a bit awkward. After all, Mark still hasn’t gotten through all the ice around Haechan – he’s definitely cracked it, but it hasn’t all melted away.

“So, do you like In-N-Out?” Mark tries. “I know it’s like, your, uh, second or third time here, right? Do you like their burgers and fries?”

“Yeah, it’s uh...good,” Haechan says vaguely. “It, uh, tastes...good.”

“Yeah, uh, I agree,” Mark says. “They really get the burgers right and–”

“Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to keep talking.”

“Oh,” Mark says, a bit hurt. “Okay, yeah, sorry.”

Haechan hears the tone of Mark’s voice and shifts in his seat, glancing up at Mark, his eyes framed by the messy bangs in his face. Maybe it’s just the lighting, but to Mark, they look like they’re slightly glimmering.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to, uh, make you sad,” Haechan says with uncertainty. “I don’t mean to make you, uh, feel bad. It’s okay if we talk, I just...you don’t always have to try.”

“Okay.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I don’t hate you, you know.”

Mark suddenly feels his heart shoot straight up into his throat. “You...you don’t?”

“No, I just...it’s just me getting used to you, that’s all,” Haechan sighs. “You’re...kind of awkward to talk to, for me. I don’t know why. You just are.”

“Oh,” he says quietly.

“Maybe it’s because you’re such a loser,” Haechan thinks out loud.

Before he has time to respond, Taeil comes back and places their orders in front of them. “Alright guys, hope you’re hungry, because this is going to be delicious! Dig in!”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Haechan says with sudden enthusiasm. Mark feels a nudge on his shoulder, and looks to see Haechan holding his burger and looking at him expectantly, as if waiting for Mark to do the same. “Wanna dig in?”

It’s barely there, but Mark thinks he can see just the faintest trace of a small smile.

And that’s more than enough for Mark.

“Yeah, sure, let’s eat,” Mark replies happily.

***

It was a Thursday night. Haechan’s summer sublet roommate, Kun, had asked him if he wanted to get In-N-Out with him, his brother, and his friend named Yukhei. 

Since it was a Thursday night, class was cancelled tomorrow, and he had no plans other than staying in and watching Reply 1988, so he decided it might be a good opportunity to at least try being more sociable with Kun, and getting to know the area better.

“Sure, I’m down,” Haechan replied. “Is In-N-Out any good?”

“Oh, you’ve never had In-N-Out before?” Kun asked.

“Yeah, I don’t know what it tastes like,” Haechan said. “Everyone told me that it’s really good, and one of the best things about California, but I don’t know if it’ll be uh...what’s the word in English...hype?”

Kun smiled gently. “Well, you’ll definitely have to tell me what you think when you first bite into it! Let’s go.”

***

Mark knows that Haechan doesn’t like it when he stares, but he keeps sneaking glances at him when he’s not looking.

He eats his double-double (sans the ketchup) enthusiastically, chewing on his burger while listening to Taeil and Haechan have a conversation about boba – Haechan firmly believes Gong Cha is the best thing because it’s one of the most popular boba places in Korea, but Taeil staunchly supports the local small business boba shops and tells him that he needs to take him and Mark to this hole-in-the-wall teahouse that has the best mango green tea with tapioca pearls.

He sneaks another glance at Haechan, but this time Haechan catches him staring and Mark quickly looks away, averting his eyes.

Mark knows he should feel embarrassed, but he can’t feel himself blush.

Why does he keep staring at Haechan?

***

“Hey, this is my brother, Renj–”

“I can introduce myself, thank you very much,” Kun’s brother huffed annoyedly in Mandarin. “Hi, I’m Renjun,” he greeted Haechan in English and extended out a hand.

“Haechan.”

“You’re subletting Sicheng’s room for the summer?” he asked.

“Yeah, my friend back home knows this girl named Yeeun, an old friend who moved to the States back in middle school,” Donghyuck explained. “Yeeun lives with this girl named Elkie, who knows Yukhei, since they both went to school in Hong Kong.”

“Ahhh,” Renjun nodded his head. “So through your friend Jeno, he hooked you up with Sicheng’s room for the summer through Yukhei?”

“Yep! Yukhei told me Haechan would sublet, and he was a friend of a friend of a friend, which is better than a total unrelated stranger. So I took him in,” Kun said.

“Yeah,” Haechan nodded in agreement.

“That’s pretty resourceful of you,” Renjun said with a slight hint of admiration. “Where are you from, Haechan?”

“I’m from Korea.”

“Oh no, sorry, I meant, where’d you grow up in Korea?”

“Oh...Jeju!” Haechan said. “I used to live on this island in Korea called Jeju, but then we moved back to Seoul so me and my siblings could go to school there.”

Renjun whistled with awe. “Wow, you moved here all the way from Korea by yourself? For summer school? Dang, that’s crazy.”

“Yeah, well, I really wanted to come to America,” he affirmed. “My deal with my parents was that I would take summer classes to finish on time. Although I’m not out here by myself, my cousin Taeil lives close, so if I ever need anything, I can always call him.”

“Wow, that’s amazing. That’s really brave of you.”

“I don’t think it’s that brave,” Haechan said. “I think I just know what I wanted, and I know what I had to do, so I just...did it.”

“I know, but it takes a lotta guts moving out here to LA, knowing no one,” Renjun replied. “But hey, you know Kun, and now you know me!”

To Haechan, that sounded like Renjun wanted Haechan to get to know him, and possibly get to know him as a friend. And that excited him.

“Also, I hope this doesn’t offend you, but your English is really good! Did you practice a lot back home in Korea?”

“I’m glad you think it’s good” Donghyuck replied warmly. “Sometimes I think my accent doesn’t sound right, but I try. I practiced with Taeil, over the phone whenever I called him, we tried to just talk in English. He sends me...um...what’s the word...suggestions! For shows and movies I can try watching to...to get better.”

“Wow, that’s really amazing,” Renjun said with awe.

Even though he’d only known Renjun for five minutes, he could already tell there was potential for them to be good friends.

***

“Okay, I got one,” Taeil says to the three of them at the table as he takes another sip from his chocolate milkshake. “Luke, Leia, and Han.”

“Oh, that’s a hard one,” Mark puts his hand to his chin. “They’re all so great…”

“Easy,” Haechan states with confidence. “Fuck Leia, marry Han, kill Luke.”

“Wait, why marry Han and kill Luke? I get killing Leia, but what about those two?” Seulgi asks him.

“Han Solo just seems like, you know, a lot cooler than Luke,” Haechan shrugs. “I don’t know, but, uh, full offense–

“You mean no offense?”

“Uh, sure, yeah, full offense Mark, but Luke is kind of like you, just kind of...annoying? You know? And Han just seems like someone I’d get along with a lot easier.”

“Mmmm, I can kind of see it,” Taeil hums contemplatively.

“Okay, my turn,” Mark rubs his hands together. “Harry, Hermione, and Ron.”

“Wait, I’ve only seen the movies,” Haechan says.

“Wait, you’ve never read _ Harry Potter _?” Mark asks with a tinge of disappointment.

Haechan sighs irritably. “I’m not a nerd like you, Mark Lee.”

“Hey, reading is fun!”

***

“This is my friend, Jaemin,” Renjun introduced Jaemin as he took a seat next to Renjun behind Kun in the driver’s seat. 

“Wait, Jaemin? Na Jaemin?! Are you Na Jaemin?” Haechan exclaimed loudly in Korean.

“Uh, yeah? Do I know you? How do you know my last name?” Jaemin asked puzzledly.

“Wait, what are you guys saying?” Renjun said confusedly.

“It’s me, Haechan! I’m Jeno’s roommate!” he said in English.

Jaemin’s eyes went wide. “No way, dude!”

“Wait, you’re going to be our suitemate during the school year?!” Renjun gasped. “No way!”

“Yeah! Jeno told me how he talked to Jaemin on KaKaoTalk about living together, everything for the first semester,” Haechan said. “Because we’re all getting a suite together. Wow, I had no idea you are my roommate in a couple months!” 

“Oh my god, this is so exciting!” Jaemin declared ecstatically. “I thought we wouldn’t get to know you and Jeno until the school year started, I was planning on making a group chat with the four of us closer to when school starts, but I guess this is even better than that!”

“Dude, Haechan is so cool,” Renjun said amiably. “Did you know he learned English from watching Netflix movies with captions? He likes Pokemon too!”

“No way, what’s your favorite–”

“Vulpix!” Haechan stated excitedly.

“Oh my god, I love him already!” Jaemin said to Renjun.

“That’s good that you guys get along,” Kun replied cheerfully. “I’m sure you’re going to have a lot of fun living together this year in the dorms.”

“Yeah, well, anyone can have more fun than you and Ten when you guys lived together,” Renjun said smugly.

Kun groaned. “Please don’t remind me of that.”

“Ten?” Donghyuck asked curiously. "Isn't that a number?"

“Ah, it's the name of my friend, Ten. My best friend from high school who I decided to room with when I started college...let’s just say we’re better off as best friends than roommates,” Kun shuddered at the memories.

“Oh, speaking of,” Jaemin looked back at Haechan again, “Haechan, have you ever watched this show called Friends? Apparently it’s a really popular with international students for improving their English! And it’s really funny, too.”

***

“Okay, would you rather only be able to speak every single thought you have, or never be able to speak again?” Seulgi asks.

“Hmm...that’s actually really hard,” Taeil says. “I don’t know. Mark? Hyuck?”

“_Haechan_,” he says annoyedly. “Why do you keep calling me that, Taeil?”

“Oh, is Hyuck your real name? Nickname?” Mark asks him.

“Not important,” Haechan waves him off. “Anyways, I think I would rather speak every single though I have. I mean, I pretty much do that anyways.”

“But what if you had like inappropriate or private thoughts about someone or something?” Mark asks. “Wouldn’t you get embarrassed?”

“I don’t get embarrassed that easily, I think I’m pretty shameless,” Haechan says dismissively. “But...I don’t know, I just can’t imagine never speaking again. That sounds like a horrible thing.”

“Then...would you never speak again?”

“I think I would choose to never speak again,” Taeil says. “I think it’d be really hard to speak with no filter, because then it would be really hard talking with people and holding back thoughts.”

“Yeah, like remember when you said you didn’t like ketchup, Mark?” Seulgi says. “I thought to myself, ‘What kind of person doesn’t like ketchup?’, but I didn’t say that out loud because that’s kind of a weird thing to say to someone you’d just met.”

Mark nods in agreement. “I think I would rather choose to never speak again. I mean, you can always write someone or text them.”

“But there’s a lot that gets lost in writing,” Haechan argues. “You can’t communicate a lot of things, like the way someone speaks, or their tone, or just...how they express themselves, you know?”

“I mean, that’s true too,” Taeil says, seeing Haechan’s point. “I guess...I don’t know, maybe people will get used to your blunt honesty about everything, even if you have no filter? I guess being super raw about your emotions is better than having to rely on words alone.”

“And plus, what if you’re not that good of a writer?” Haechan says. “How do you express yourself then? You can get by with a lot of that just by talking, because you can just express yourself, but expressing yourself in writing...I don’t know, that seems really hard.”

***

“Hey, so you’ve never had In-N-Out before, right?” Renjun asked Haechan.

Haechan shook his head. “Nope. I was technically supposed to wait until Jeno got here for us to both try it together, but...I guess that’s not happening now.”

“Hey, don’t feel bad, there will be plenty of times when we go to In-N-Out,” Jaemin said eagerly. “There’s an In-N-Out right by campus, so we can just go there whenever you and Jeno want to! Although I’m sure you and Jeno will probably get sick of In-N-Out by the tenth time.”

“Oh, is it not that good?” Haechan asked.

“No, it’s good, it’s just–”

“It’s just that it’s overexposed for us,” Renjun said. “I think it’s because we grew up eating it, it’s practically part of your diet if you live in SoCal. Like...I dunno, I guess we would have to move somewhere – like Korea,” he pointed to Haechan in reference, “–to really miss it?”

“I dunno, is there like, an equivalent of that in Korea?” Jaemin asked.

“Something people talk about all the time, but I just...it’s not something I care much about?” Haechan said inquisitively.

“Yeah, like that!”

“Hmm...I guess...if I had to say...I don’t know, exactly,” Haechan said puzzledly. “I never really pay attention to what restaurant we go to whenever we eat. Jeno is usually the one who picks where we all eat when we go out.”

“You and Jeno are best friends from high school, right?” Renjun asked. “Like me and Jaemin?”

“Yeah, we were in the same class on my first day of high school and are friends since,” Haechan replied. “Don’t worry though, we want to get to know you guys!”

“Awwwww.”

“You and Renjun have lived here all your life, right? You must know so many good places and things to do here.”

“Yeah, not gonna lie, SoCal is great,” Jaemin grinned cheekily. 

“Oh please,” Renjun rolled his eyes. “You barely get out anymore. Half the time you just game on your laptop and eat Hot Cheetos at home.”

“Okay but the _ other _half of the time I go out to concerts and do stuff, unlike you,” Jaemin stuck his tongue out at him playfully. “You just like to do boring stuff like go to museums or thrift shopping. I mean, seriously.”

“You and Jeno sound like you get along, Renjun,” Haechan noted. “Jeno is like more...what’s the word?”

“Introverted?” Jaemin says.

“Right, introverted.” The word sounded unfamiliar on his tongue. “Jeno is too, we always tease him for being kind of a...hmm, what’s the word in English? _ Jipdori _?” he asked Jaemin.

“Homebody,” Jaemin said to Haechan.

“Yes, homebody,” Haechan repeated.

Renjun folded his arms and huffed tiredly. “Well, it’s nice to if that means I get to take a break from all of _ this _ over here–”

“Shut up, I know you loveee meeee,” Jaemin hummed in an overly saccharine and cutely sweet voice that reminded Haechan of aegyo. “I know my Renjunieee lovesss meeee.”

“You are so fucking embarrassing,” Renjun groaned. “Why are you doing this in front of Haechan? Oh my god–”

“Oh come on, we’re living together for a year. Might as well get him acclimated to it.”

“Acclimated?” Haechan repeated.

“Means like, getting used to something,” Jaemin explained in Korean.

***

“Do you kids want some ice cream?” Taeil asks cheekily. “I know a good place in downtown we can go get some!”

“We’re not kids,” Haechan pouts. Mark think it’s cute, the way Haechan purses his bottom lip and looks at his older cousin with a childish disappointment.

“You guys are so cute,” Seulgi smiles. “I’m down for ice cream! Mark?”

“Yeah, ice cream sounds good,” Mark replies happily. “How about you, Haechan?”

“Ugh, fine,” Haechan concedes dramatically, pretending to be disgusted by the outcome. “Since everyone _ else _once to go get ice cream, might as well…”

“Alright, let me go throw out the trash real quick,” Taeil says as he opens the driver’s door and takes all the paper In-N-Out bags and containers out with him.

Seulgi turns to look at the two of them in the back seat. “So, what’s new with you two? How’s your summer project going so far?”

“It’s going okay, I guess,” Haechan shrugs. “We’re using ‘Love Story’ by Taylor Swift for our example song for the project. We’re going to be talking about how basically she defined the majority of pop music for the decade.”

“Oh wow, that’s so interesting!” Seulgi beams brightly at them. “She’s been such a big name for such a long time, huh? I remember listening to her music in high school.”

She turns to look at Haechan. “Is she really popular in Korea?”

“I mean, she’s well-known, I think? People know her songs, at least,” Haechan says contemplatively. “I don’t really know much about her. But I know Mark has talked about how she’s really big in Canada and America. He was the one who picked her for our project.”

“Why’d you pick Taylor?” Seulgi asks him.

“Well...I think it’s because she’s like, such a big pop star, you know?” Mark begins to explain. “Because when me and Haechan were first trying to think of a huge pop star for our project, she was the first person to come to mind. I guess we could’ve chosen like Adele, or Drake, or Justin Bieber, but we just ran with Taylor. And plus, Haechan sings ‘Love Story’ really well.”

“Ah, I see,” Seulgi nods her head in understanding. “That’s one of my favorite songs by her. I used to listen to it on the radio when my parents drove me to school.”

“That’s the only one I know,” Haechan says. “My friend Heejin covered it for a singing competition back in high school, she played the guitar and I helped her practice the song. That’s how I know the lyrics.”

“What did you help her with?” Mark asks.

“I think the pronunciation and how to sing some parts of it,” Haechan recalls. “She really liked the song a lot, I don’t know why. But it got stuck in my head from how many times I heard her sing it, so...I guess it’s stuck in my head now too.”

Mark doesn’t know why, but he finds this endearing. He doesn’t know why his heart feels like it’s glowing every time Haechan talks about himself, or his life back in Korea. He doesn’t know why it feels like his chest is burning, but it’s not – it’s just warm, and fuzzy.

Mark likes Haechan’s singing, he knows that.

Yet he wonders why he likes it so much, because even for the singers he listened to growing up, he’s never felt this strange, comforting sensation in his chest before. It’s not quite love – Mark definitely knows what that feels like. The thorny scars that sting his hand tell him it’s not romantic, it’s not even quite platonic – platonic feelings have never shined this bright before for him. So it can’t just be that. 

It’s just...appreciation, he supposes. Appreciation for Haechan whenever he sings.

As for what it is he appreciates so much about Haechan’s singing, and why he appreciates it so much, he still can’t figure it out, but he’s okay with not knowing for now.

***

“Hey!” Mark Lee said happily as he waved at them.

“Oh my god, you have got to be kidding me,” Haechan groaned in Korean.

“What did he say?” Renjun asked Jaemin.

“He said ‘are you kidding me’ but I’m not sure why, something wrong, Haechan?” Jaemin asked him inquisitively.

When Kun had said that he had said that he was getting dinner with Yukhei, Haechan hadn’t realized that Yukhei was going to be bringing some of his friends with him for In-N-Out too.

“What’s up, dudes?” Yukhei said brazenly. “Hey, you must be Haechan, right? You’re Elkie’s friend’s friend’s friend?” He paused to count on his fingers. “That was the right number of friends, right? Three friends between us?”

“Well, just add three more and then you’ll have yourself an ensemble cast for a popular 90’s sitcom!” Jaemin said cheekily.

“Uh, yes?” Haechan didn’t understand if Jaemin was making a joke. “I think?”

“Awesome!” Yukhei said excitedly. “Glad you could take Sicheng’s room for the summer, he was totally stressed about finding someone to sublet. I’m Yukhei, and these are some of my roommates from my apartment, Mark and Yeri.”

“Hey, Yeri,” Jaemin said.

“Sup, Jaem? How’s the summer before college going for you?” 

“Oh, sorry, I should introduce you guys,” Kun said sheepishly. “Mark, this is Jaemin, he’s one of Renjun’s friends–”

“Correction, his _ best _friend–”

“Shut up, Jaemin–”

“–and this is Haechan, who’s going to be going to school here in the fall,” Kun continued. “He’s from South Korea.”

“So you’re also international, then?” Yukhei said beamingly. “Me and Mark are too! Mark’s from Canada, I’m from Hong Kong.”

“You’re from Canada?” Haechan repeated puzzledly.

“Uh, yeah, guess that never came up, huh?” Mark Lee laughed sheepishly.

“And I’m from California, in case anyone was wondering,” Yeri added.

“Wait, do you two know each other?” Kun asked confusedly.

“He’s my project partner for my summer music class,” Haechan explained neutrally. “We were paired up together by our professor.”

Yeri perked up at that. “Oh, so you’re Mark’s project partner,” she said, as if this was enlightening information. “I see. He talks about you a lot.”

Mark Lee blushed. “I uh, well, I just told them about how good of a singer you are,” Mark stammered out nervously. 

Haechan groaned internally as he felt himself getting second hand embarrassment. How was he supposed to respond to that? He already thought it was creepy that Mark stared at him when he sang, and now Mark Lee was talking about his singing with his friends? Why? Why was Mark Lee so weird? Why was biker boy so tragic? Everything about this just made him feel so awkward.

“Wait, you sing?” Renjun asked. “Oh my god, wait–”

“Okayyyyyy, so, should we go inside and line up?” Kun quickly changed the subject. “I’m hungry, aren’t you guys? Let’s go get some food!”

***

“Wow, this is really...milky,” Mark says surprisedly as he licks his swirl.

“It does taste milkier than I thought it would,” Haechan agrees. “I don’t hate it, though.”

“Personally I like how milky it tastes,” Taeil says between a mouthful of ice cream. “It reminds me of like a milkshake, but not like super sweet like a milkshake. It’s...hmmm, tangy, I guess is the word?”

“That’s definitely not something I would say when describing ice cream,” Seulgi notes between licks, “but somehow that’s exactly what I would call it. Tangy.”

“Ohh, have you guys ever had crème fraîche?” Taeil asks. “It kind of has the taste of crème fraîche but sweet and tangy, kind of like this ice cream. Oh, Haechan, remind me to make you something with crème fraîche next time you come over for food!”

“Cream fresh?” Haechan says confusedly. “What is that?”

“It’s kind of like sour cream, you know, when we went to get tacos that one time and they put the white stuff on it that you thought was mayonnaise?” Taeil explains.

“So it’s sour cream? But fresh?” Haechan says.

“No, it’s sort of like...less sour sour cream,” Taeil says. “I think you’d like it more than sour cream, actually. It’s really good! There’s a nice old French woman who lives below me that makes it homemade. She always gives me a fresh batch whenever she has some. Oh, also, remind me to give you a batch next time I see you!”

“Okay,” Haechan nods his head as he continues to taste the milkiness of the ice cream.

“Never realized you were so passionate about your types of cream, Taeil,” Seulgi says humorously. “I always struck you more as a cheese guy than a cream guy. Are you trying to tell us something?”

“Hey, cheese is good too! You know I love a good pan of corn cheese with Jack and mozzarella on top,” Taeil grins. “Or a good fettuccine alfredo with proper Parmesan. But cream is so good, and versatile–”

Seulgi stifles a laugh and the urge to make a joke–

“– I mean you’ve got your regular cream, sour cream, whipped cream, crème fraîche, buttercream, ice cream, cream of tartar–”

“Okay, we get it, we get it,” Haechan snaps annoyedly at him. “You cook.”

“And cream,” Seulgi snorts, causing her and Mark to both laugh out loud.

“What’s so funny? I don’t get it,” Haechan says irritably.

***

“Mmmmm, thi’ i’ ac’u’y r’ly good,” Haechan tried saying between the mouthfuls of his burger, unable to wait before he swallowed because the savory, slightly allium-esque quality of the burger kept his mouth watering and hungering for more.

“Right?” Yukhei said excitedly. “I was totally amazed when I first had In-N-Out here! It’s so good, I love the taste of their burgers.”

“Mmmm, so, what’s this music class you guys are taking together?” Renjun glanced between him and Mark Lee before taking another bite of his double-double. “What project is it?”

Haechan chewed his food a bit more before swallowing. “It’s basically about discussing how a genre of music has changed in a specific time period or era,” Haechan said. “Our professor wants us to both do a presentation on what sounds define an era or its artists, and then perform a song from that era. Mark chose the present era of music.”

“Initially I wanted to do something older, but I thought that no one would think to do the modern era of music, especially pop music, so we chose that,” Mark Lee added.

“Pop music? Are you guys gonna do k-pop, then?” Jaemin asked.

Mark Lee shook his head. “I’m not super familiar with k-pop, actually. But we’re both familiar with American pop music, so we’re gonna focus on American artists.”

“Have you guys picked an artist yet?” Kun asked. 

“Well...we picked Taylor Swift, actually,” Mark Lee said sheepishly. “We’re going to perform one of her songs too, I think.”

“Taylor Swift?” Jaemin perked up excitedly. “Oh my god, which song? You Belong With Me? New Romantics? All Too Well? Back to December? I Knew You Were Trouble? Delicate–”

Renjun punched him to get him to stop talking. “Not everyone is a huge secret Taylor Swift fan like you are, Jaemin. I’m sure it’s probably just one of her famous songs.”

“Oh shut up, just because I have mainstream tastes doesn’t mean they’re less than you and your stupid underground ‘I knew them before they were popular’ bands and artists,” Jaemin stuck out his tongue impishly.

“I never said there was nothing wrong with liking her, I’m just saying...you’re a bit much whenever anyone mentions her, that’s all,” Renjun said neutrally. “Maybe save the Taylor Swift fever for when we actually live together and they can’t escape it, yeah? Just calm down, why don’t you let Mark and Haechan talk?”

“I was gonna let them talk,” Jaemin rolled his eyes, “I was _ just _ asking them which song they decided to perform for their project.” He turned to look back at Mark. “So, what song are you two performing for your project?”

“Ummmmm, I’d rather not say,” Mark Lee said sheepishly.

Haechan was fairly annoyed at this point, not understanding why Mark Lee was so reluctant to talk about their project. Was he embarrassed that he was doing a project with him? Mark Lee was embarrassing, surely his roommates, Yeri and Yukhei, would know that about him by now? Why was he being so weird about this.

Haechan sighed irritably and decided to speak now.

“We’re performing Love Story,” he told the table bluntly. “I sang it for Mark last week when we met up to work on our project. He stares at me when I sing and I told him to shut his eyes because I found it weird, and he got all embarrassed about it.”

For a couple of seconds, the entire table stood quiet. 

Then, Yeri grinned at Yukhei with dumbfounded glee, and in turn Yukhei stifled laughter, which he did very poorly as he guffawed loudly at the table.

“Oh my god, so _ that’s _why you were singing it,” Yeri playfully teased Mark Lee, who had started to smile trepidatiously at the two of them. “I can’t believe you, Mark. You’re so ridiculous.”

Haechan just shrugged and went back to eating his hamburger and fries, not invested in why Mark Lee was being so weird at the table – it was just more confirmation for him that biker boy was a huge loser.

“What?” Jaemin said.

“I don’t get it,” Renjun said.

“Can someone explain what was so funny?” Jaemin asked. “Did I miss the joke?”

Yukhei just kept laughing.

“Please don’t say anything, you guys,” Mark Lee said a little too urgently. “Please? I’ll even do the dishes for two weeks straight if you keep it to yourselves!”

***

_ Who’s singing? _Yeri grumpily thought to herself as she vacillated between consciousness and sleepiness, eyes refusing to open as she was unceremoniously awoken from her slumber by the voice singing somewhere in the apartment. 

_ I’m trying to take a nap here, _she groaned mentally.

“And you were Romeo and you were throwing pebbles–” 

_ Taylor Swift? _

Yeri’s eyes opened swiftly.

“–and my daddy said, stay away from Juliet–”

_ Mark?! _

She immediately stood up out of bed and pressed her ear to her bedroom door.

“–and I was crying on the staircase, begging you please–”

_ Oh my god, why is he singing that? _

She stifled a giggle, it wasn’t bad, Mark was on key, but it wasn’t...the best.

“–don’t gooooooooo, and I said–”

_ Fuck it, I’m recording this. _

Yeri threw on some purple flannel pajama pants, grabbed her phone and opened the door quietly, careful not to let it creak.

“Romeo take me, somewhere we can be alone–”

She slipped out between the opening, tiptoeing across the floor with her left hand holding her recording phone, and nearly pissed herself at the sight of Mark in nothing but his black oversized Tuxedo Mask t-shirt, Spider-Man boxers, and Nike tube socks as he passionately sang the chorus. His left hand gesticulated dramatically, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, eyes closed with feeling. He sung the words feverently into the wooden spoon tightly held by his right hand – the wooden spoon Chaeyoung often used to for making chicken noodle soup – as his phone (in a striped ceramic bowl) blasted the song in their kitchen.

Yeri covered her mouth so that Mark wouldn’t hear her choking on her own laughter, thanking whatever divine force was at work that had caused her to wake up and let her record such a magnificent moment for all of posterity.

Mark was so entranced with singing the second verse of the song that he didn’t even notice that the apartment door was starting to unlock. Yeri could smell the potential for a viral moment if she posted this on her Instagram story when one of their roommates walked through the door. 

It wasn’t until the apartment door opened that Mark snapped out of it and screamed very loudly as Yukhei opened the door.

“Hey Mar–WHOAAA HO HO HOAAAA,” Yukhei loudly blurted abashedly as he started to nervously chuckle. “Whatcha, uh, whatcha doing there, Tuxedo Parker?”

“OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT!” Mark scrambled out of the kitchen quickly.

Yukhei couldn’t stop laughing.

“Yukhei I’m so sorry I’m so sorry,” Mark flustered about ashamedly as he hid behind the couch in the living room, “I’m so sorry you had to see that, holy shit, this is so embarrassing, fuck.”

“Uh...so, Taylor Swift, huh?” Yukhei tried not to giggle, but even with both hands over his mouth they kept sputtering out offhandedly. “Spiderman I knew about, but Taylor Swift and uh, whoever’s wearing the mask and tuxedo? That’s new.”

“Oh my god I’m sorry, fuck, this is so embarrassing, I thought you weren’t coming home until later,” Mark groaned distressedly.

Yeri could barely keep herself from snorting.

“Do you...uh, wanna put on some pants, maybe, dude?” Yukhei said anxiously, voice sounding like it was struggling between high-pitched screaming, loud laughter, and nerve-wracking questioning.

“Yeah, uh–”

Mark glanced up straight into the camera on Yeri’s phone as she finally couldn’t hold it in anymore and started cracking up.

“OH MY GOD YERI YOU WERE HOME THIS WHOLE TIME?!”

***

“Okay, fine, we won’t say anything,” Yeri laughed gleefully as Yukhei started rubbing his stomach as he threw his head back in continuing laughter. “That’s something you can tell them on your own time.”

“Thank you,” Mark breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh come on, that’s not fair,” Jaemin said. “Why can’t you guys just explain the joke or tell us? We wanna get it too!”

“It’s nothing, it’s nothing, it’s just something really, really stupid,” Yeri said unconvincingly as she failed to stop laughing at the memory of Mark in their kitchen. Yukhei wiped the tears from his eyes, slowly starting to come down from his laughing fit.

Mark tried to look elsewhere, trying to focus on the menu above the cash registers. Instead he made eye contact with Kun, who just smiled knowingly at Mark before going back to take another bite of his burger. Mark felt his blood run cold.

“Oh my god, did you guys tell anyone else besides our apartment?!”

Yukhei couldn’t stop laughing. “Well–”

“Oh my god!” Mark wailed with embarrassment.

Haechan glanced at Yeri with little discretion. “Hi, I know we just met, but I have to ask – is he always this much of a loser?”

“Oh, you don’t even know the half of it,” Yeri smirked evilly. “You think he’s bad after this project? Try living with him in an apartment and a wooden spoon.”

Yukhei laughed loudly at the mention of the spoon.

“Wooden spoon?” Jaemin repeated confusedly.

“Eh, no thanks, I’ll pass,” Haechan grimaced, repulsed by the idea of ever living with Mark.

***

“Okay, London, Paris, Madrid, and Rome. Where would you study abroad?” Taeil asks them.

“Technically, we’re both studying abroad,” Haechan points out, pointing a thumb to himself and to Mark. “So if we studied somewhere else...does that count as studying abroad?”

“Hmmm, I think so? Technically, if you’re studying in a different country from the university you attend, I think it counts as study abroad,” Seulgi says contemplatively. “So I guess you would both be double dipping, right?”

“Hmmm, well...I guess I would study in London,” Haechan chooses.

“Why?” Mark asks.

Haechan shrugs noncommittally. “Everyone always talks about it. Might as well visit it. And it’s the only one where they speak English –I don’t know any of the other languages they speak in the rest of the cities.”

“Even if they didn’t speak English or Korean, I still think I would go to Paris,” Taeil says wistfully. “Just imagine, all the best crème fraîche in the world, and the produce – oh, the produce. And the architecture, and the–”

“Okay, we get it, you cook _ and _you’re a hopeless romantic,” Haechan sighs. “Didn’t you travel to Paris like two years ago with your girlfriend?”

“No, that wasn’t me, that was Junmyeon,” Taeil replies. “He was there for a conference, I think? And then he took his girlfriend with him.”

“Ah, okay, okay.”

“So, you chose London, and I chose Paris, France,” Taeil says. “That leaves you Mark. Where would you study abroad?”

Mark purses his lips together, unsure of whether to pick a city one of them already said, or if he should go with Madrid or Rome. Rome does seem like a pretty cool place, but he also really likes paella and tapas.

“Maybe he would study at the school for Tuxedo Parker underpants,” Seulgi says smugly.

Mark feels his heart drop.

“...What?” Mark asks her shakily. “What did you say?”

“Yeri showed me the video last time I hung out with her,” Seulgi laughs giddily. “Oh my god, you are just _ too _cute, Mark.”

Mark gaffes a ghastly gasp.

“Nooooooooooo,” Mark groans frustratedly, “Oh my god, she _ promised _me she wasn’t going to show that to anyone ever!”

“Well, she did show me and Wendy when we got brunch–”

“OH MY GOD!” Mark slaps both of his hands on the sides of his head. “She promised!”

He takes out his phone and begins to furiously text Yeri, waves of embarrassment and distress sending his hands typing words rapidly over his phone keyboard.

“Wait, what are you talking about?” Haechan asks confusedly. “What underpants?”

“Yeah, what’s this about underpants?” Taeil asks, just as confused. “And Tuxedo Parker?”

***

“Oh, hey, Haechan!” Mark waved as he saw Haechan waiting by the counter for his Starbucks.

To Mark’s surprise (and secret delight), Haechan didn’t pretend to not hear him and didn’t ignore him. Instead, he looked Mark’s way, made a small half-smile, and did a tiny wave back.

Mark felt himself go giddy all on the inside. Slowly but surely, after the time they had hung out in In-N-Out together, Mark felt like he was making progress with Haechan. Now, Haechan didn’t always look at him with disgust, irritation, or annoyance.

However, to Mark’s unexpected surprise, after he had grabbed his drink at the bar, Haechan then came up to him to talk.

“Hey, Mark,” he said coolly, but it was enough of a starter to get Mark’s heart racing faster than the coffee was causing it to. “What’s up? Just studying?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah, just studying,” Mark stammered, afraid he would stumble over his words. Why was he scared of stumbling over his words? Why did he feel like he was stumbling over his words? Why did he feel so much more keenly aware of how awkward he became whenever he was talking to Haechan?

In the span of those thirty seconds since, Starbucks had filled up, loud chatter and conversation filling the air as a group of twenty-something professionals in work attire came in and filled the seats of the main wooden table. 

Haechan looked behind him, noticing the noise, and then looked around the rest of the Starbucks carefully, as if to see if there were any potential open seats. However, there were none – which only left the seat open at Mark’s circular table.

Haechan turned back to look at Mark and smiled a bit. “I know we, uh, didn’t exactly start off on the best footing, but, um...can I take this seat?”

For a split second, the whole world came to a standstill. For a split second, Mark felt this new, strange sensation in his chest, like a spark of sorts. An incandescent particle lighting up from nowhere in particular yet it felt so molten and magmatic, like a flow of lava. Slowly the spark grew into many, and before he knew it he was flying off his feet, like fireworks in the sky crackling and booming loudly above a moonlit pier.

“Sure,” he grinned goofily. Why was he grinning so goofily? “I saved it for you.”

Haechan looked a bit perturbed. “You did?”

Mark realized what he said and immediately that spark fizzled out, suddenly replaced by a deluge of embarrassment raining down on him as he felt his cheeks grow hot.

“Uh, I mean, uh, no, what, uh, okay okay I meant that you can sit here,” Mark stammered out flusteredly. “Not that, uh, I was planning to, uh, we didn’t plan to meet here, um, uh...yeah, you can sit here!” 

Mark felt even more embarrassed than when Yeri and Yukhei had caught him in his Spiderman boxers singing Love Story in their kitchen.

Haechan regarded him skeptically for five seconds, stared at him, and then sighed and shrugged. “You’re so weird, Mark,” he said bluntly in Korean. “You could’ve just said ‘yes, you can sit here’ like a normal person.”

Mark felt his cheeks grow hotter. “Uh, yeah, haha, yeah, uh, so-sorry.”

Haechan shook his head. “You’re so bad at this.”

“Uh, bad-bad at what?” Mark asked curiously.

“You’re bad at just having a conversation,” Haechan mused in Korean.

“Uh, no, not that, just, uh...I guess with you, since...you know, it’s you,” Mark replied. 

Haechan crossed his arms in his seat. “What do you mean, it’s me?”

“Uh, just...well, like you said, we didn’t get off on the best footing so...I’m trying to find mine?” he finished with uncertainty, unsure if that was going to sound convincing to Haechan.

Again, Haechan regarded him skeptically. However, rather than a sigh and a shrug, the result was just a slight change in his expression. Almost a softening in his eyes.

“Well, guess we’re both trying to start off better,” Haechan said.

Mark only hummed softly in agreement.

“Sorry for being a bit...er, unfriendly,” Haechan said. “I’m not really, uh...well, it was unfair of me. You’re very nice, Mark. I’m glad you’re my project partner.”

Mark smiled brightly at that. “I’m glad that you are too.”

Haechan only hummed in response.

They worked in silence after that for another twenty or so minutes, Mark browsing through his SNS distractedly instead of doing his reading, Haechan looking intently as his laptop as he typed. He snuck a couple of glances at Haechan – dark brown bangs framing his hazel eyes, lashes soft and delicate, slight discoloration underneath them indicating some lack of sleep – between his browsing on SNS, only for a brief moment before looking back at whatever post he was looking at or scrolling through.

After about twenty or so minutes, Haechan looked up at Mark, and Mark looked back at those hazel eyes framed by brown bangs. 

“Hey, um...so I’m getting picked up by my cousin, Taeil, in an hour or so,” Haechan said carefully. “He’s getting me some In-N-Out – you know, like, uh, last week, when I saw you at In-N-Out with Kun. Do you uh, want to get dinner with us? He’s really nice–”

“Yes!” Mark blurted out a bit too zealously before Haechan even finished.

Again, Haechan regarded him skeptically, and Mark realized he had answered too hastily. “Uh, I mean, yeah! I’d, uh, like to get In-N-Out, if that’s okay with you,” Mark said. “If you let me.”

“Uh, I am? That’s why I’m asking you?”

“Oh! Right, right,” Mark laughed nervously. “Uh, sure, yeah, then I’d, uh, like to come!”

Once again, Haechan sighed. “Mark Lee, you’re one of the biggest losers I’ve ever met.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Mark said with stride.

Haechan smirked back at him. “It wasn’t a compliment.”

“I know,” Mark grinned happily.

***

“Do you guys want boba?” Taeil asks. “I mean, I know you’re all stuffed, but I’m telling you, this boba place has the _ best _mango green tea.”

“Eh, it’s okay, I’m spent,” Seulgi replies. “Literally and figuratively.”

“Yeah, I kind of don’t have any money,” Haechan tells his cousin. “I mean, you have like, a six-figure salary, right? I don’t even have a three-figure salary.”

“Well, to be fair, you just got here, it’d be kind of hard for you to find a job,” Taeil says.

“Well, if I was looking for a job, I would have found one,” Haechan says back confidently.

“Didn’t say you wouldn’t,” Taeil replies.

“If you want, I know someone at the student store,” Mark says. “My roommate, Chaeyoung, she works there part-time. I’m sure I could ask her to hook you up with a job.”

Haechan considers it, briefly, and then shakes his head. “It’s okay. I’m okay with not working, for now. Maybe during the school year, though, I’ll take you up on that.”

“Of course!” Mark says happily.

***

“Hey, so this is my cousin, Taeil,” Haechan said as they got in the back of Taeil’s car. “And this is his friend, Seulgi.”

“Oh, hey Mark!” Seulgi greeted him. “Didn’t expect to see you today.”

“Hey, Seulgi!’ Mark smiled back.

Haechan looked at the two of them confusedly. “You two know each other?”

“Yeah, you remember Yeri? You met her at In-N-Out last week,” Mark explained. “She’s really good friends with Seulgi. And I guess Seulgi is good friends with your cousin. Hi! I’m Mark,” he said as he extended a hand out to Taeil.

“Nice to meet you, dude! I’m Taeil,” Taeil replied enthusiastically as he shook Mark’s hand.

“Oh, well, this works out, I guess,” Haechan said.

“So, you kids ready for In-N-Out?”

Haechan already felt his annoyance start to simmer down under. “We’re not kids.”

“Uh huh, okay.”

“Stop calling me that!” he whined.

“I’ll stop calling you a kid when you stop calling me an old fart,” Taeil said playfully.

***

The summer night still glows bright, the sun’s presence not completely blacked out by the night sky yet. The half-moon sits quietly in the sky, the glow of the city lights illuminating the stars that sat around it. 

Seulgi had taken control of the aux cord and had decided to blast Taylor Swift. Currently, they’re driving on the I-10, listening to the funky synths and 80’s drum pads that reverberate from the car’s speakers.

As Taeil drives them back home, Mark sings along to the lyrics, all too familiar with them from when the song was overplayed many times in high school. Haechan, unfamiliar, decides to just hum along, only singing the line “we never go out of style”, as he recognizes it as the hook of the song. 

As he’s sitting in the back of the car, listening to Seulgi belt out the bridge and Taeil harmonizing with her, he has a brief vision play in his head, much like he did when him and Haechan were first in the practice room. 

Instead of the four of them, it’s just him and Haechan, driving down PCH somewhere between Big Sur and Santa Barbara, on a midsummer's night like this. Long drives, with feelings like that of burning flames but it’s euphoric, like paradise. The sea breeze whooshes in through the car windows as Haechan fades into view – his brown bangs messily waving above his hazel eyes as the wind sweeps them, a James Dean daydream look in his eye.

And as the song ends and he comes crashing back down into the reality of Taeil’s car, the next song on the queue coming up – it’s a Bleachers song that Taeil put on the queue – he realizes that maybe, just maybe, Haechan wants to be his friend too.

And for Mark, no matter where they go after tonight, that’ll never go out of style.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! In the next chapter, the story will start drawing to a close, but for now, hope you've enjoyed everything thus far! Thanks for all the comments and kudos – I really appreciate all the support and reading everyone's thoughts on chapters! :D
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues) | [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues) | [official Lover playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ZkOabBMhNqXQQejm34G0G?si=h8wvYOKzQ8SOcUd71ucQCQ)


	12. New Romantics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yes, I...I love you, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck says, his entire body shaking at the admittance, realizing the gravity of his words. But it’s too late, because he can’t go back. Mark’s drawn him in, and now his gravity caused him to crash his lips onto Mark’s, and only the aftermath awaits him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _ *Doctor Strange voice* we're in the endgame now ___  
  
_  
_No but ahhhh wow it's already the penultimate chapter of Lover! It's hard to believe that it's starting to come to an end. Again, I'll emphasize that this story follows a non-linear narrative, and different scenes happen. However, you will definitely see follow-up for what happened when Donghyuck dropped Mark off at the airport. _  
_  
  
_  
_Hope you guys enjoy this chapter!__  


** _And ah, take me out, and take me home…_ **

“Nice receive!”

“Chance ball!”

“Don’t mind!”

“Stop being such weebs and hit the fucking ball!” Chaeyoung yells across the net.

Sun shines brightly in the sky as the afternoon air heats up with the summertime fever of beachday antics, outdoor escapades, and feverish emotions. The pier and adjacent areas brims with the productivity of people hanging out, spending time together, walking around in board shorts and breezy t-shirts as the cool relief of fresh strawberry ice cream and watermelon sangrias delight the taste buds.

Donghyuck lounges around lazily on the beach, lying down next to Renjun under the umbrella, who’s reading a book about the history of coffee. He chats with Heejin and Hyunjin, discussing how at least five girls have checked Jeno out.

“Come on, they’re being so obvious,” Heejin giggles as she points out a girl lowering her sunglasses just to check out Jeno. “Seriously, American girls are so bold compared to Korean ones.”

“Uh, excuse me, you’re pretty damn bold, Heekki,” Donghyuck points out.

“Okay but like I’m not _ that _obvious, you know?” Heejin replies. “At least I have some tact. But seriously, for real, how is Jeno still single? He's such a catch.”

“I think he’s waiting out on Yeeun,” Renjun replies. “They’re just friends, but I dunno, I think subconsciously both of them might want to be something more.”

“Well, if Yeeun doesn’t wife him up soon, I’m adopting him and calling him my son.”

“He’s literally the same age as us,” Hyunjin says as she snacks on a piece of bread.

“He’s my _ son, _” Heejin says with conviction.

“No, _ I’m _the sun,” Donghyuck replies coyly. “Jeno’s just a cat.”

“He is _ not_!” Heejin laughs. “Hyunjin’s the cat, Jeno’s the dog. I’m the single mom of you two, and you’re the cool fun uncle.”

“What a modern family you all are,” Renjun says sarcastically without looking up from his book, turning the page to read the chapter about indigenous practices of coffee cultivation.

“Hello, we’ve been over this already, Jeno is totally a _ cat _,” Donghyuck argues.

“Just because he has cats and likes cats doesn’t mean he’s a cat. Have you seen the way he just randomly bites things? Or sticks his tongue out sometimes like he’s a dog? He’s our Samoyed, Hyunjin is our brown tabby.”

“Okay, but how are we going to afford these veterinary bills on our starving artist salaries?”

“You could always enter Jeno in dog shows and get prize money,” Hyunjin suggests. “I’m sure he would win first prize just based on his looks alone, the judges would find him too irresistibly cute.”

“Like we would use that prize money to pay for Jeno’s health check-ups,” Heejin scoffs. “We would invest it in stocks, became Wall Street wizards, and then eventually buy out a Korean entertainment company, then use that money to finally fulfill our dream: to start a girl group with twelve members called Loona.”

“Uh, I did _ not _agree to the name Loona,” Donghyuck brings up. “Girl of the Month seems like a much catchier name than Loona.”

“Yeah, for a swimsuit catalogue,” Heejin retorts. “Seriously, Girl of the Month? Calling our group ‘Jeno Lee is attractive’ would be a better name than Girl of the Month. Loona is much better.”

“Oh, yeah, Loona, like that’s ever gonna catch on.”

“Why is it that you can’t stand Loona–”

“I can stand the name, I just–”

“You really don’t–”

“She’s right, you’re grimacing just even saying that–”

“Okay fine, it’s not like I can’t stand Loona, I just don’t want it to be the name for our girl group, seriously, it’s just...not catchy,” Donghyuck says. “I don’t understand why we’re spelling it with two o’s either. Why can’t we spell it like Luna? That seems so pretentious.”

Meanwhile, Jeno, Jisung, Yeri, Chaeyoung, Jungwoo, Yukhei, Kun and Dejun play a game of volleyball. Jaemin takes pictures with his camera while Chenle and Yangyang spectate, cheering Yukhei’s team on. Currently, Jeno’s team of Yeri, Chaeyoung, and Jungwoo proves to be very effective against Yukhei’s team. As the two most competitive people Mark and Donghyuck know (besides Jaehyun), the game heats up in the sweltering summer heat, but never roils over as the salty sea breeze cools them down.

Currently, Mark’s walking back with Jungeun, the two of them having got ice cream with Jinsoul, Taeil, Jaehyun, Doyoung, Sicheng, and Seulgi at a place on the pier. They’re all here for Mark and Jaemin’s birthday – since they’re both August birthdays, they decided to have a beach day to celebrate and invited all their friends to come out. Taeyong had already moved to New York for work, but had texted Mark and wished him happy birthday earlier that week.

“Hey, so are things okay with you and Jeno?” Donghyuck asks Renjun. “I know you guys made up and everything, but I’m just checking in.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, everything’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Renjun says. “Thanks for coming down with him to talk to us. It really helped.”

“Of course, Injunnie,” Donghyuck nods understandingly. “I like it when we’re all friends, you know? Let’s keep it that way.”

“I know,” Renjun smiles. “So thank you for helping us sort things out.”

“So, you and Jeno are okay?”

“Yeah,” Renjun replies. “When you told me that he felt the same way you did when Mark, you know...ignored you, I realized I didn’t want Jeno to feel like that. So we’ve been pretty honest and open with each other since then. Jaemin too.”

“Mmmm, being honest and communicating is always good,” Donghyuck hums as he turns on his side, lounging about on the warm towel. Thirty seconds later, he opens his eyes and then notices Mark in the corner of his eye, coming back with some ice cream. “Hey, wanna see something funny?”

“Always,” Heejin replies.

“I wasn’t talking to you, but yes, please prepare yourselves for a treat,” Donghyuck grins devilishly as he gets up and starts making his way towards Mark and friends. 

“Hey Marrrkkkk,” Donghyuck singsongs as he approaches him with a sly grin plastered on his face. “Wanna do something fun?”

“Oh no–”

“NO I’M NOT FALLING FOR THIS AGAIN,” Mark screams as he starts to run away, dropping his ice cream on the sand as Donghyuck chases after him.

“Let’s go in the water, Markie!” 

“Markie?” Heejin repeats confusedly. “That’s so gross.”

“It’s really not any different from Heeki,” Hyunjin points out.

“No one asked you, Hyunjin.”

Donghyuck chases after Mark, who eventually stumbles and trips onto the hot sand. Donghyuck tackles him and then lifts him up around his thighs as he starts to carry Mark towards the water. 

“WAITTT WAIT NO HYUCK I DIDN’T WANT TO–”

“Happy birthday, Mark Lee!” Donghyuck screams as he drops Mark into the water and then tackles him so that they’re both submerged under the blue water of the Pacific.

“That’s so cute,” Heejin says. “Why don’t we do that, Hyunjin?”

“Because like a cat, I absolutely despise water,” she glares at the ocean menacingly. “I would rather eat moldy bread than step foot in there.”

“It’s really not that bad, though, Hyunjin,” Renjun says. “I think you would like it.”

“Yeah, come on Hyunjin, listen to Renjun,” Heejin whines. “Let’s go play in the ocean!”

“No.”

“Hyunjinnn–”

“Over my dead body,” Hyunjin huffs offendedly. “I’m offended you would even suggest I would get in the ocean. It’s full of fish piss.”

“Fuck it’s so coldddd!” Mark whines as he gets out of the water, taking off his wet shirt as it clings to his salty skin stickily. “Haechannieeee why did you do that.”

“It’s my birthday gift to you,” Donghyuck grins cheekily as he lays down on the sandy beach towel next to Mark, right by Heejin, Hyunjin and Renjun. Jaemin walks over to the five of them and sits down, turning his camera off as he places the lens cap back on it and takes his sunglasses off. 

“Gosh, it’s so hot today,” Jaemin groans.

“You’re wearing jeans at the beach,” Renjun retorts.

“Some of us don’t want to get skin cancer, thank you very much.”

“I literally told you that wearing sunscreen and applying it–”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Jaemin huffs irritatedly. “You know my legs look awkward in shorts and jeans are much better for my figure.”

“Jaemin, we’re at the beach. No one cares what you look like,” Renjun sighs.

“And plus, no matter what you wear, I’ll always think you’ll look awkward,” Donghyuck says.

“You’re supposed to be nice to me on my birthday, asshole,” Jaemin shoves Donghyuck into the sand, which clings to his salty wet skin.

“Great, now I got sand on myself,” Donghyuck grumbles.

“I never liked sand,” Mark begins to say. “It’s rough and coarse and–”

“Aaaand just for being annoying, I’m throwing you back into the water again,” Donghyuck says as he grabs Mark from under the armpits and wraps his hands around his shoulders. “Back to the ocean!”

“Hyuck, I’m not–”

“Renjun, put down your book and help me!”

Renjun grins slyly and gets up from his feet. “Well, we are at the beach, might as well get in the water for once.”

Mark suddenly looks extremely nervous. “Wait you guys–”

“I’ll help too!” Heejin says excitedly. “I wanna get in the water.”

“WAIT–”

“Hey what are you guys doing?” Yeri says as she walks over to them from the volleyball net.

“We’re throwing Mark in the ocean, come on! All hands on deck!” Donghyuck yells as he, Renjun, Heejin, and carry Mark by his arms and legs towards the ocean.

“NOOOO YOU GUYS WAIT–”

“Wait, let me get pics of this!” Jaemin yells as he chases after them, sand flying about haphazardly as he runs and turns his camera back on.

“Let’s go!” Donghyuck says as the four of them start running in the water.

“GUYS WAIT–”

“CANNONBALLL!!!” Renjun yells as the four of them all throw Mark in the air and he lands into the water before a wave crashes on the five of them and sends them under tow.

“Why are you guys bullying me on my birthday!” Mark whines, spitting seawater out of his mouth and pulling on his board shorts tightly. “You guys almost made me lose my shorts!”

“Oh please, like that’d be your first time skinny dipping,” Yeri winks.

“Shut up, I’ve never–”

“Whatever, Loser Lee, just admit that you like the attention,” Renjun snorts as he tackles Mark into the water again and both pull themselves under a wave.

“This was fun!” Heejin exclaims. “Who cares if this ocean is full of fish piss, it feels amazing!”

“Splash fight!” Donghyuck screams as he throws his arms about wildly and starts to spray Heejin with water.

The five of them laugh as they get each other wet with ocean water, salty spray clinging to their bodies as another wave approaches and they all dive under to avoid the break. Then they tackle Mark again. Yukhei, Jeno, Chenle, Chaeyoung and Jisung approach them in the water, having gotten bored of the volleyball match and deciding to join the five of them in the water.

“FOR THE TEAM!” Yukhei shouts as he splashes Mark and Renjun.

“I only swim free!” Chaeyoung yells as she plunges into the ocean blue.

“Are those anime references?” Jeno asks as he wades into the water.

“WAVEEEE!” Chenle squeals like a dolphin before a wave splashes on the nine of them and gets them all damp with the summer feeling of sunshine.

“Happy birthday, Mark,” Donghyuck laughs happily as he hugs Mark, the rest of them following suit. “And happy birthday, Jaemin!” he yells back to dry land as the nine of them wave at Jaemin, who’s happily taking pictures of the nine of them splashing about in the water.

“Get in, you loser!” Renjun yells back.

“It feels really nice, dude!” Jeno says.

Jaemin only smiles and grins at them happily. “I like taking pictures of you guys more!”

* * *

** _You’re my, my, my, my…_ **

Haechan and Mark’s presentation goes incredibly well. Mark turns out to be an effective and persuasive speaker, and Haechan cuts in when necessary to add commentary or transition from one topic to another. Their performance of ‘Love Story’ gets a very loud applause from their class, and Professor Park looks very happy with how their project turned out. Once they’re finished, the class ends, and Professor Park thanks them all for a wonderful summer.

“Hey, so, thanks for everything, Mark,” Haechan says as he gives Mark a hug. “It was really fun, you know, getting to know you this summer.”

“Oh.” Mark feels himself blushing, and he doesn’t know why. His hands tingle, like they did back in the practice room about a month ago, the first time he had practiced the song with Haechan. “I, uh...yeah, me too! I had a lot of fun, uh, getting to know you, too.”

“Yeah,” Haechan says softly as they both walk out of the classroom together.

“Uh...yeah, haha, it’s been a lot of fun,” Mark says sheepishly. Oh gosh, why does he not want this to be the only summer he knows Haechan?

“Well...uh, I’ll see you around, I guess,” Haechan waves behind him as he starts to walk away.

This can’t be the end.

Why does Mark not want this to be the end?

“Wait!” Mark exclaims.

Haechan turns around and looks at Mark puzzledly. “What?”

“Uh....do you wanna get lunch?” Mark says sheepishly.

“I would, but I have my economics final in a couple hours, so I have to study for that,” Haechan says. “I’m taking two classes this summer, remember?” He holds up two fingers.

“Oh, yeah, right...ah, well, sorry,” Mark stammers flusteredly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I uh...I guess, yeah, I’ll see you later.”

“Well, I mean, I’m not able to do lunch,” Haechan begins to explain, “but I can do dinner, after my final is over? I mean, I’m getting it with Kun’s brother, Renjun. You met him before at the In-N-Out, right?”

“Oh, yeah, when I went with Yukhei and Yeri and saw you guys there,” Mark nods.

“Right, well, uh...we’re getting, um, Chinese food, if you want to join?” Haechan offers with a sense of uncertainty. “I mean, if not, we can always get dinner some other time.”

_ Some other time. _

It implies that today isn’t the last day he’ll see Haechan. That maybe this isn’t the end.

It makes Mark feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Why does that make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

“Yeah, if Renjun doesn’t mind, I’d love to get dinner with you guys tonight, after you’re done studying,” Mark says warmly.

Donghyuck offers a small but sweet smile in return. “Then I’ll see you after my final tonight,” Haechan says. “Just text me and I’ll let you know, okay?”

“Okay,” Mark beams happily, an almost electric feeling surging through his chest. “Yeah, I’ll text you and see you soon!”

“Sounds good.”

“Alright, awesome. Bye, Haechan!”

“Donghyuck.”

Mark pauses. “What?”

“You can call me Donghyuck,” Haechan says kindly. “That’s actually my real name.”

“Oh,” Mark says timidly. “So when Taeil called you Hyuck the other day? That was short for–”

“Yes, short for Donghyuck.”

“Oh, okay, so...so, would you, um, prefer if I called you, um...Donghyuck?”

“I wouldn’t mind it,” Haechan shrugs. “If you like calling me Haechan, you can still call me Haechan. But you’re also welcome to call me by my real name too.”

“Are you okay if I call you either of those names?”

Haechan nods.

“So...if I call you both Haechan and Donghyuck, you’ll respond to either?”

“Uh, yeah? Why else would I be telling you that you can call me Donghyuck?” Haechan says half-sarcastically and half-playfully. “I just figured, since we’re going to be friends, I should tell you my real name.”

_ Friends. _

It’s like the swelling feeling in his chest won’t stop, infinitely growing larger and larger as it consumes his entire being, a boundless sensation of lightness as it lifts his heart closer and closer to that sensation he felt back in the practice rooms.

His heart beats so fast, but it’s because maybe, just maybe, Haechan wants to be his friend in return, and it’s not just him wanting to be friends.

“So...we’re friends?” Mark says wondrously.

“Oh my god, Mark Lee, are you always this much of a loser? You already make things weird enough as is,” Donghyuck snaps sardonically. “You’re still a gigantic loser, and I still think you’re extremely annoying. But yes, I do consider you my friend. And we can be friends, if you want to be.”

“Ah, well...yeah, I’ll take you up on that,” Mark beams brightly. “I’ll see you later tonight then, _ Donghyuck _!”

“See ya, Mark!” Donghyuck waves back at him as they head their separate ways.

* * *

** _Oh, you’re my, my, my, my…_ **

Donghyuck pulls away, opening his eyes. Mark only looks at him, completely surprised, stupefied into silence by his kiss. “I...I love you,” he says softly.

“You...you love me?” Mark says softly, intimately, bewilderedly. Entire body standing completely still, no resistance in his eyes, his whole face slack as he looks back at Donghyuck with those wide, hazy hazel eyes twinkling with the kitchen lights. Only looking at him softly, warmly, patiently.

“Yes, I...I love you, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck says, his entire body shaking at the admittance, realizing the gravity of his words. But it’s too late, because he can’t go back. Mark’s drawn him in, and now his gravity caused him to crash his lips onto Mark’s, and only the aftermath awaits him.

“You...you love me?” Mark repeats again bewilderedly.

“Yes, I...I don’t know if you do too, but I just...I just had to say it before you left again and I just...can you stay?”

“What?” Mark looks up shockedly.

“Can you stay? Please. Please, just stay.”

“Donghyuck, my flight–”

“Please, please just stay. Please, just stay a bit longer so we can talk, Mark.”

“But I–”

“Please, Mark,” Donghyuck pleads, and he feels like he’s back in his kitchen a year and a half ago, begging Mark to stay and talk before he walked away, left, and crushed Donghyuck’s heart as he crumpled onto the kitchen floor. Feels himself starting to teeter dangerously close back to that place, to that place he fears, the place he never wants to return to, because he doesn’t know if he can go through it all again. “Please, stay. I just...I just want to talk.”

“Oh my god,” Mark whispers quietly. “You...you love me?”

“I know, I’m sorry, I was stupid to not say anything sooner,” Donghyuck cries, feeling the tears well up in him, and he starts to feel that darkness consume him again. “I’m sorry, I know, it was stupid of me to wait until now, right? I just...I just was so scared you weren’t going to come back after you graduated and...I just...I–”

Oh.

Mark stops Donghyuck from saying another word because he kisses him.

The sensation in Mark’s chest no longer is one of burning. It’s no longer just warm, or there, caught in the middle of his heart, stuck like a lump in his chest that becomes more uncomfortable the longer it sits there.

It feels like he’s flying when he kisses Donghyuck. It feels like he’s looking over the hill of roses that make up Donghyuck’s face, but it’s no longer just him floating above the clouds. Donghyuck is there, holding onto his hands, and it’s just the two of them in the blue expanse of the endless summer sky, the smell of freshly damp earth permeating the atmosphere. He kisses Donghyuck, and the guitar string scars on his hands light up, a patchwork of mosaic marks. Slowly lifting off his skin, they turn into petals and butterflies dancing around the two of them. 

And in that moment, as the sparks fly around him, he feels weightless, floating and could continue to float for infinity and beyond. But Donghyuck anchors him, keeps him tethered to the earth as he kisses Mark back, a gentle breeze brushing across Mark’s face as he breathes in the entirety of Donghyuck’s being. 

It smells like hot chocolate, like peppermint candy canes, like salty sea water clinging to his face, like a warm cafe bakery on a winter evening, like freshly cut roses. 

It feels familiar, like cozying up to him on a couch, or studying with him at a crowded coffee shop table, or playing his guitar while listening to him sing with his eyes closed.

It feels like love.

He lets go.

But he stays.

Donghyuck’s tears are frozen, stained to his face as he looks back at Mark, incredulous, disbelieving eyes piercing right through his entirety. It’s like staring at the sun, so bright and brilliant and blinding, and yet he knows he will always see past them, see the sun for what it is.

It’s Donghyuck.

“I love you too,” Mark smiles quietly, voice fragile and wispy, almost like he’s telling Donghyuck the meaning of what his life is. Because even if he doesn’t know what the meaning of life is, Mark knows that loving Donghyuck gives his life meaning. 

“Oh my god,” Donghyuck gasps, speechless as he covers his mouth with his hands, a broken sob choking out of him. “Oh my god, you–you...did you just say that?”

“I really did,” Mark beams brightly as he leans in to kiss him again, fervent, passionate, gentle, graceful, everything he needs but not enough, clutching onto his face softly as he wraps his hands in Hyuck’s hair, fingers tangling through soft locks of ochre.

And then he lets go. But he still stays, looking up at Donghyuck with the most wonderful feeling in the world. “I really do love you too.”

“Oh my god…” Donghyuck cries, smiling through his tears as he tries to wipe them. “Oh my god, you love me!”

“I really do,” Mark smiles.

“And I...I love you, and, I...oh god. Can we talk about this?” Donghyuck asks suddenly, sniffling as he starts to calm down.

“Wait, what?”

“I mean, just, not in an airport parking lot,” Hyuck laughs as he wipes the tears off his face, the biggest grin playing on his face. “I don’t really want to discuss this here, maybe...In-N-Out?” he cheekily suggests.

“Sure, I would love that,” Mark replies back warmly. “I have time! I am four hours early for my flight, after all. Do you want me to look up the nearest one?”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck grins happily. “Let’s do that.”

“So, you love me?” Mark asks as he takes a bite of his double-double (sans the ketchup).

“Yeah, I do,” Donghyuck replies as he takes a couple more fries and sips on his milkshake.

“For how long?”

“Since Vancouver.”

“Vancouver?!” Mark exclaims incredulously.

“Yeah…” Donghyuck admits reticently. “You took me there to make me fall in love with the magic of Christmas, but...I guess I ended up falling for you.”

For the first time in a long time, Donghyuck feels like he’s actually blushing as he talks to Mark in the In-N-Out, the two of them sitting at a corner booth amidst the hustle and bustle of both locals and travellers ordering and chatting and eating.

“So, you....you love me too?” Donghyuck asks shyly.

“Yes,” Mark says happily. “I love you too.”

“For how long?”

“I don’t know, maybe since you first sang Love Story for me, the first summer we met?”

“Wow, you had it even worse than me,” Donghyuck laughs brightly. “You’ve been in love with me for that long, huh? No wonder you’re always flustered when you’re around me.”

“I think we both know that in general I get embarrassed really easily,” Mark says self-deprecatingly, and they both smile. “But when I moved to New York, I realized it, when you would send me care packages, and you’d FaceTime me and I would look forward to it all the time and I realized...I realized–”

“That you loved me?” Donghyuck finishes cheekily.

Mark nods his head and takes another bite of his burger. Donghyuck only hums in response as he looks at Mark patiently, expectantly waiting for him to finish chewing his food before he starts talking.

“Do you remember what we said, after we had our fight?” he asks Mark.

“Oh gosh, I dunno, that was such a long time ago,” Mark says pensively as he tries to remember but can’t quite recall. He remembers crying, a lot, and thinking that Donghyuck would never be able to forgive him. Every day, especially today, Mark feels thankful that Donghyuck chose to forgive him. “I remember there was a lot of...talking about U Team. And I remember Renjun and Jaemin and Jeno hugged us on the couch after we both made up.”

“Yeah, that all did happen,” Donghyuck nods his head. “But no, I was talking about how we said that if we screw up, it’s okay. Because we’re allowed to make mistakes.”

“Oh.” He waits anxiously for Donghyuck to continue.

“This isn’t a screw-up, obviously,” Donghyuck starts. “It’s anything but. Obviously us waiting this long to admit that to each other was a screw-up, but that’s okay. But...after we said that, you asked me something. And I guess, well, I want to ask you what you asked me.”

“And what do you want to ask me?”

“Where do you want to go from here?”

“What do you mean?” Mark says confusedly. “I...I love you. And you love me. What...oh gosh, did I do something wrong?”

“No no no, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Donghyuck says hastily. “That’s not what I meant. I just meant that...yes, this is really romantic. And yes, we just admitted that we love each other. And it works out, because you’re moving back to L.A. But now I have to ask...what do you want to do from here? Where do you want to go?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, just, well...we’ve only ever been best friends,” Donghyuck explains. “We’ve been friends for so long and just...well, I don’t know. I don’t want things to change between us, just because we love each other, you know?”

“Do you think things will change?” Mark asks hesitantly. “I don’t want things to change either. I like what we have now.”

“And what we have now is...friendship,” Donghyuck says with uncertainty. “But if we’re in love, I guess the next step is a...relationship.”

“Yeah,” Mark agrees.

“Mark...I don’t wanna mess things up, between us,” Donghyuck says. “That’s what I’m scared of, you know? The reason I was so scared to...to admit that I loved you, was because I was scared you wouldn’t feel the same way. Of course, now I know you do feel the same way, obviously. But I...I’m still scared that something will go wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just...I don’t know, I’m just scared we’ll screw this up,” Donghyuck sighs reluctantly. “I still remember our fight, how much that sucked, and I don’t want that to happen to us again. Especially...especially if we’re in love. I don’t want to mess this up.”

“Well we’re in love, right?” Mark replies.

“Yes, unless, you know, I dreamt up the past forty five minutes in my head,” Donghyuck says sarcastically. “Although this is probably one of the best dreams I’ve ever had if this is all just a dream.”

“Can I ask you something then?”

“Yeah, go for it.”

“If you’ve loved me since you visited Vancouver, and I’ve loved you since the first summer I met you, and we’re still in love with each other...doesn’t that mean that when we did fight, we were also in love with each other?” Mark asks.

Usually, Donghyuck is the one to come to conclusions, or advise Mark. Not the other way around. When they fought, and made up, it was Donghyuck who helped Mark figure things out. It was Donghyuck who offered wiser words for Mark. It was Donghyuck who nudged Mark in the right direction to make sure they could be on the right path again.

To have the roles reversed feels unsettling. Not in a bad way, but in a very surprising, auspicious way. He wonders if this means something has, in fact, changed between them.

“Well...yeah, I guess you’re right,” Donghyuck finally says. “That’s all true.”

“If it’s true, then I get it.”

“What?”

“I get it.”

“You get–”

“Why you’re scared.”

He looks at Mark with surprise. “You do?”

Mark nods his head. “Yeah. I do get scared, sometimes, of screwing things up with you.”

“Oh…”

“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you, either. I was scared of messing this up. I was scared that this was wrong, you know? That it was wrong to be in love with you.”

Donghyuck doesn’t say anything to that, just sits quietly at the booth.

“But I’m not scared anymore, because this...this feels so right.”

Donghyuck doesn’t say anything to that, just looks up at Mark with hesitant eyes.

“I’m not scared, because I know that, deep down...I love you.”

Donghyuck doesn’t say anything when Mark grabs his hands across the table, takes them into his, holds them gently as he looks at Donghyuck intently.

“Deep down...I love you. And no matter, no matter what fight it is, or what may come between us, I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll always love you.”

It’s like he’s been struck by lightning. A furious, divine lightning. But it’s just what he needed. Because it makes him realize what he needs to do, to say, and why for the past forty five minutes, everything’s felt weightless and ephemeral, like a dream.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“That I’ll never stop loving you,” Mark repeats firmly.

“But...wait, wait, back up,” Donghyuck says, recoiling his hands from Mark as he starts to feel his heart beat rapidly in his chest. He knows Mark meant it to be romantic, but Donghyuck finds it incredibly scary. “You, you can’t just say stuff like that, Mark.”

“But it’s true!” Mark insists. “I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll always love you!”

“Okay but, even if it is true, that’s...that’s serious, Mark. It’s one thing for us to say...to say we love each other. It’s another thing for you to say that you’ll love me forever.”

“But I will,” Mark says, eyes gleaming. “I do love you, I will always love you forever.”

“Mark.”

“Hyuck, I’ll always love you.”

“Mark.” He looks at him with a steely gaze, but only because he wants to keep Mark’s head from floating too high above the clouds. “I love you too. But you need to realize....exactly what it is you just said.”

“What do you–”

“We just confessed that we love each other, and now you’re already saying you’ll love me forever?” Donghyuck says urgently. “Mark, when do people usually promise each other that they’ll love each other forever?”

“What do you mean?” Mark asks confusedly.

“What I mean is that when people say to love each other forever, it’s usually on the day of their wedding, during their marriage vows,” Donghyuck states clearly as he possibly can.

Maybe some things don’t change, because he still sees the exact moment Mark realizes the gravity of his words and when the flusteredness switches on inside his head, and even though he loves Mark, Donghyuck still enjoys seeing him get all embarrassed and trip over his words. It’s still as cute as it was three summers ago, when Mark got embarrassed asking him if he could go to his voice lessons.

“Okay, wait, I’m–I’m sorry, sorry, okay okay okayokayokay I didn’t mean it like that, um, uh, no, I just, oh god I’ve freaked you out, okay okay okayokayokay so what I meant to say–”

“Mark, just let me finish first, yeah?”

“I...okay,” Mark says timidly as he looks at him expectantly.

“It does...unsettle me, when you said that. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s sweet. I know what you meant. _ But _,” and he pauses to emphasize the word, “but, if that’s where your mind is then...we need to take it back to where we are now.”

“Uh...so think about In-N-Out?” Mark says confusedly.

“No, about...where we are now, as, you know, us,” he gestures between the two of them with his hands. “Right now, we’re two best friends who just admitted that they loved each other, right?”

“Right,” Mark nods.

“And friends who become more than friends, because they love each other, that usually means they become...well, lovers, yes? That’s usually where it goes?”

“We’re lovers?” Mark says, unsure if that’s the right answer.

“Do you want to be?” 

“What’s…well, what’s the difference between being your lover versus being your best friend?” Mark asks.

“What do you think is the difference?”

“Hyuck, you can’t keep asking these kinds of questions,” Mark groans frustratedly. “I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.”

Donghyuck laughs at his complaint. “Alright, well, the way I see it, a lover is someone who you want close to you. Because you love them. And the only difference between a best friend and a lover is that, well...you love them because they make you feel different.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the way I make you feel, does that feel different from the way that Renjun, or Yeri, or anyone else makes you feel?”

“I...yeah, that’s true,” Mark says. “I feel like I’m in love with you. But it’s not just that, it’s that...when I think of you, you make me feel...warm. Impossibly warm.”

“And you do the same for me,” Donghyuck smiles. “I love Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin, Chenle, Jisung, Heejin, Hyunjin. They’re all people I consider my close friends, you know? I loved Yeji too, you know. And even though things didn’t end well with her, I still care about her.”

He notices that Mark tense at the mention of Yeji. “But I don’t _ love _ her anymore, okay? I love you. And the love I feel towards them...it’s different than the love I feel towards you. And it’s different for you too, right?”

“Yeah,” Mark agrees. “Yeah, it is. It feels...special. Like, my friends are special and I love and value them. And they do make me feel special. But you...you make me feel like...like I’ll never be the same again.”

“Wait, what?” Donghyuck says surprisedly. “Never the same? What do you mean?”

“No no no, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it's a bad thing, or a permanent thing, or like, saying I love you forever,” Mark explains hastily, worried he might be scaring Donghyuck again. “No, I just mean that...I don’t know, it’s like you...you make me feel like I’m more myself. Like the reason I feel warm, whenever I’m with you, is because...because you make me feel brave, to be me.”

“Brave enough to be you? But aren’t you being...you right now?”

“But I’m brave enough to do the right thing,” Mark replies adamantly. “Do you remember when we had our first fight, and I...I did a stupid thing and ran away from you?”

Donghyuck tenses at that. 

He remembers it all too well. It’s why it bothers him, unsettles him that Mark says he would love him forever. Because Donghyuck has learned, has known that nothing is forever. Mark can walk out the door, and he would never know if or when he’d come back. He’s done it before. And if Mark was in love with him, when he took him to Vancouver, and fought with him, and kissed him, then Mark was also in love with him every time he walked out that door.

The time Mark walked out the door during the fight even though he begged him to stay, Mark was in love with him. The time Mark walked out the door to go to graduation, Mark was in love with him. And the time Mark walked out the door to move to New York, Mark was still in love with him. It didn’t matter how much Mark loved him then or loved him now and forever – he still had closed the door on him when he walked out.

“Yes, I remember...all of that,” Donghyuck inhales cautiously, looking at Mark trepidatiously with tense anticipation. He’s scared that no matter how much Mark says he loves him, he’ll keep walking out the door, and one day he won’t ever open it again.

“Well, when I ran away, and slept at my old apartment for a week, and I talked to Yeri...do you want to know something Yeri said to me?”

“What did she tell you?”

“That I faced my fear. And that...that made me realize, I could have the courage to be brave, for you. Because now I realize, I was brave enough to go back to you because...because I loved you. And I still do.”

***

“Yes, you’re right, I was being dumb. I should’ve talked to him. I should’ve stayed and talked it out. God, I’m so stupid.”

“What else is new,” Yeri said playfully, scoffing with fake boredom. “Now, stop avoiding it. No more running away from the hard stuff, okay? Tell me what happened between you and Donghyuck. Because I’m your friend, and I’m gonna help you fix it.”

“Thanks, Yeri,” Mark said sheepishly.

“No, no,” she waved him off dismissively. “Thank you, for finally facing your fear.”

“What fear?”

“Talking about the hard stuff,” Yeri replied tenderly. “You never want to do it. You always ran away from it and avoided talking about any bumps or problems with friendships. The only time you did it was when you wanted to move out to live with the four of them. And I really, really thought that things had changed after that.”

“They didn’t change?”

“Well, no, because here I am, still having to talk to you about it,” she smiled tiredly. “We always had to coax it out of you. Do you know how hard it was to get Yukhei to initiate the conversation with you because you were too scared to talk to him, even though you were the one who puked on his bed? It’s been such a pain in the ass, trying to get you to talk every time.”

“But...but you did, just now? Right?” Mark asked confusedly. “Didn’t you initiate it, Yeri?”

“But the difference is now I’m not forcing you to now, Mark,” Yeri said gently, looking at him with a small smile and warm twinkling eyes. “Now you actually want to talk about the hard stuff, all the messy bumps and problems you have with Donghyuck right now, on your own accord. And for that, I’m proud of you, Mark Lee.”

***

“I realize now that the reason...the reason I know I love you is because...because you make me feel brave,” Mark says quietly, dark bangs of hair cascading gently as the fell slightly above the soft glow in his eyes. “Brave enough to let go of my pride, to know when I’m wrong. To know that I’ll make mistakes. That I’m only just a person. When it’s you, I...I know I’ll always make the right decision, be brave enough to be here, because then I’ll be with you.”

“Oh.”

“Donghyuck, I feel different with you because...because with my friends, I know I will be there for them, and they will be there for me. But you’re not just that. When I think of you, I know...I know that no matter where I go, you’ll always be there, in my heart. Because I love you, and...I feel brave enough to be there in your heart too.”

“Oh...wow,” Donghyuck exhales, shivering slightly as the air rushes out of him, slowly makes him float back down to the ground. Mark gently anchoring him, tethering him back to where he is. Like his gravity. 

Mark opened the door. And even if he left, he always promised to stay there, where it mattered most. And that...that will forever stay with Donghyuck.

“Are, are you okay?” Mark says with uncertainty. “I don’t want to scare you, I’m sorry if I did, I just...that really is how I feel, Donghyuck.”

“No, yeah, I’m glad you’re being honest, it’s just, I, uh...I...yeah, it just...it really means a lot for you to say that,” Donghyuck says, struggling to not get choked up in an In-N-Out, remembering he is in public, and he doesn’t want to be so intimate, so close, so raw and personal when it should just be the two of them, just the two of them on a couch, sipping peppermint hot chocolate, cozied up next to each other.

He hadn’t expected Mark to be so personal, to make him feel so genuinely emotional and moved. But maybe that’s why he loves Mark so much.

Because for friends, he’ll climb mountains. 

But for Mark, he’ll move them.

“Well, I really do mean it,” Mark says.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Mark nods softly. “I love you, Donghyuck Lee. I’ve loved you since your first Love Story. I’ve loved you since I moved in with you. I’ve loved you for three summers now, Haechannie, but now...I want them all.”

“Oh.”

The door closes again. But even though Mark left, he’s still here.

“And that doesn’t have to mean forever,” Mark shakes his head empathetically. “I won’t say I’ll love you forever. Because I know...I know that we still have a lot to talk about. And it’s a lot to think about. It’s a big deal. But for now, where we are, right now...is loving you now, is that enough for where we are right now?”

Maybe Donghyuck never saw it coming as he gravitated closer to Mark, crashing into Mark’s orbit and feeling the moment of impact. But instead of crumbling into oblivion, and the darkness obliterating everything he knows or the light drowning out everything he loves, it’s just him and Mark in the aftermath. And in the aftermath where they lay, love may never be the same, but with love, some things won’t have to change.

And for Donghyuck, who’s stood in front of that door for so long, anxiously waiting, wondering if it’ll ever be gone, now he knows.

The door never leaves. It will always open, always close. People will come, and people will go. But even when Mark goes, and leaves, it won’t feel empty. Because knowing that Mark loves him, knowing that Mark feels brave because of him, it makes him realize that he’ll always be in his heart. And that’s all Donghyuck wanted, all this time.

To know that if he opened his heart to Mark, he would stay.

So Donghyuck nods his head. “Yes. Yes, it’s enough.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck laughs happily, feeling like this is something entirely new, and neither him nor Mark know what this new thing may be, but that’s okay. Because wherever it is they go now, it’s something they’ll be on together. “Yeah, that’s enough for me, Mark, it’s...that’s all I wanted to know.”

Mark smiles happily. “I love you, Haechannie. And I’ll go where you go, if it means that I get to be this close to you.”

It tugs at his heartstrings, to hear that name.

It was the first name Mark heard when he met Donghyuck. The first name Mark knew him by. And even after all this time, after all the things they’ve been through, Mark still says it with the same tender affection and friendliness when he first met him.

“Me too...me too, I love you too, Mark Lee.”

_ Sometimes we have to let people change_, Jeno had said. _ Otherwise they’ll resent us for never letting them free_.

Donghyuck gets it now.

Mark Lee has changed. And so has Haechan. In fact, they’ve all changed. But that doesn’t mean they’re not the people who met three summers ago, in Professor Park’s summer music class after Mark Lee accidentally tipped over his cup of coffee and Donghyuck spilled it all over himself. 

They’re both those people and more. Mark Lee is still the same biker boy that he considers to be a flustered loser most of the time. But Mark’s also now this person in his life that he can’t imagine not being there. 

Haechan is still the same sassy music and economics double major from Korea who’s best friends with Jeno and lived with Kun over the summer. But now he’s also best friends with Jaemin and Renjun, and Jisung and Chenle too, and he’s fallen in love with his best friend named Mark.

Haechan wasn’t looking for a friend in Mark that summer. He didn’t even think he’d like Mark at all. But now, here he is, getting lunch with the biker boy he hated on his first day of summer school music class, before he flies back to New York, and he loves his biker boy.

Donghyuck loves Mark. And Mark loves him. 

“I love you, Mark Lee,” he says tenderly. “So, so much. I’m glad you decided to stay.”

“Well, I would love to stay, but…”

“Oh yeah, shoot, your flight,” Donghyuck says hastily as he realizes that they need to get going. “Sorry, I totally forgot you have a plane to catch in three hours.”

“Yeah, I hate to have to end things there, but...I do have to hop on a flight back to New York,” Mark says flusteredly. “And I wish I didn’t have to go back. But I have to prepare to move back here. So can you...can you wait for me?”

“I can,” Donghyuck nods softly. “Because I know you’ll stay. Could you stay here, this time?”

“Yeah, I would...I would love to stay put here, this time,” Mark says softly.

“As much as you love me?” Donghyuck grins cheekily.

Bright laughter emanates from Mark in response as he gets up from the table. Donghyuck follows suit. “Yeah, as much as I love you.” He plants a soft kiss on Donghyuck’s cheek.

“Remember about like, two summers ago, when I locked you out of the apartment and you had to pee really bad, until I forced you to say you loved me?” Donghyuck says sentimentally. “And now...now you say it because you actually do.”

“Oh yeah, I remember that,” Mark remembers as he opens the passenger door. “That was the summer Jisung and Chenle subletted Jaemin's and Jeno and Renjun’s rooms in the apartment, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh, funny...maybe I should just do that,” Mark ponders out loud in the car.

“You mean sublet...your old room? With me?” Donghyuck says surprisedly, turning on the ignition and pressing the brake.

“Yeah, I mean, I hadn’t worked out the housing situation yet, but I was just planning on subletting. And I wasn’t going to move back in with you guys, originally, because you know, I’m in love with you, and I thought it was going to be too hard to live with you again,” Mark explains. “But now, now that I know you do too...maybe it won’t be so hard.”

He turns on his blinker as he pulls out of the parking lot.

“It definitely will be convenient for you. And definitely a lot more fun,” Donghyuck beams playfully.

Mark grins back. “Oh, definitely.”

“Oh, wait! Wait, wait.”

“What is it?”

“If we’re in love with each other, and living together...that’s going to make things awkward for everyone else, no?” Donghyuck says.

“What? Why?” Mark asks confusedly. “I’ve lived with all of you guys before. What does it matter if we’re in love now?”

“Because things change when you’re in love with someone, dude,” Donghyuck says. “It’s a big deal for us, right? It’s definitely gonna be a big deal for them! I can practically hear Jaemin never shutting up about this for the next three months.”

“Why would it be that big of a deal?”

“Imagine when you were living in your old apartment, suddenly Yukhei and Yeri started dating. That would be weird for you to deal with, right?”

“Oh, wait...yeah, you’re right,” Mark states in agreement. “I was just thinking about how big of a deal this is for us. I wasn’t even thinking about how big of a deal this is for them.”

“Yeah.”

“So should I move in?”

“Well, not yet. We’re definitely going to talk about it first. Renjun’s definitely going to find out first,” Donghyuck says, slowing down to stop as the light turns red.

“He is?” Mark looks at him confusedly. “What do you mean?”

“He got me to admit that I loved you, and he’s the one who suggested I drop you off four hours before you have to fly back,” Donghyuck explains. “He’s really smart about this kinda stuff, Mark. It’s like he knows...well, everything.”

“Oh come on, he can’t know everything.”

“I think he does.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“But he didn’t know about the backup situation and that Jaemin was tricking him about the Newer Deal, right?” Mark says triumphantly, knowing that’s a winning argument.

“Well, technically...yeah, you’re right, I guess,” Donghyuck supposes. “Maybe he just knows a lot about me.”

“He certainly doesn’t know everything about me,” Mark says victoriously. “He doesn’t even know about a wooden spoon.”

“Wooden spoon?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Mark grins hastily, not wanting to explain that. After all, just because Mark loves Donghyuck doesn't mean he has to tell him everything. Some things were best left in a kitchen, three summers ago with the Tuxedo Mask t-shirt.

But in reality, Renjun does know everything.

Because after Donghyuck parks the car in the parking lot two hours before his flight, and they walk towards the bridge that connects to the airport terminal, they see Renjun and Yeri walking towards them.

“Oh! Well hello, _ lovers_,” Yeri smirks smugly, being sure to stress the syllables of the last word. “We were wondering when you two were going to get back. Told you they’d come back to the same parking lot, Renjun.”

Mark absolutely blanches in response. “WHAT?!”

“Oh yeah, we just came back from the bathroom, we both needed to pee,” Renjun explains.

“WHAT!? No, I meant, what are you two doing here?!” Mark yelps hysterically.

Renjun looks at them with an absolutely unimpressed look on his face, “Oh come on, isn’t it obvious? We followed you guys here, duh.”

Now it’s Donghyuck’s turn to shout with incredulity. “You WHAT?!”

Renjun crosses his arms. “Hyuck, did you really think I convinced you to leave four hours early _ just _so you could have the time and the chance to confess that you love Mark?”

“Wait, I was actually right about that?!” Donghyuck exclaims confusedly. “That _ is _why you told me to drop Mark off this early at the airport?!”

“I gave you four hours so that he took the eighty percent chance to confess to you _ and _so we could supervise you two,” Renjun ignores Donghyuck’s shocked outburst as he explains this to Mark. “Seriously, you guys are such hopeless romantics. Your first kiss in a LAX parking lot? Really?”

“Hey!” Donghyuck huffs defensively. “It was romantic! I confessed my love to him!”

“And _ Yeri_, what the hell are you doing here?!” Mark yelps wildly. “How did you, when did you, where did you–”

“Oh come on, Mark, you literally saw me two days ago,” Yeri smirks. “Yukhei and I both thought you were head over heels in love with him, the way you wouldn’t shut up about him. And then Yukhei told Renjun that and–”

“WHAT?!”

“Again, _ maybe _if you weren’t lovesick pining over Donghyuck the past two days, you would’ve noticed,” Yeri says. “But I guess love really makes you dumb dumb, huh?”

“Yo, congrats guys!” Yukhei shouts from behind them, and the two of them turn to see Yukhei and Kun walking from the parking lot towards the four of them.

“WHAT?!” they both yell.

“What, did you think this was going to be a Romeo and Juliet type of situation?” Renjun says. “Full offense, but after you guys had that nasty fight a year and a half ago, and then you said you were moving back here, and then Donghyuck was acting like a panicked idiot he is, and Yeri and Yukhei told me how stupid you were being, we kinda had a feeling you guys were gonna pull some stupid shit at the airport or something.”

“Wha–we’re not kids, Injunnie!” Donghyuck protests hotly.

“No, but still, just to make sure you guys didn’t end up fighting or getting as nasty as you were to each other back then, we decided to follow you guys to make sure everything was okay,” Renjun shrugs noncommittally. “Didn’t want to have a Mark vs Hyuck fight part two, you know?”

“I don’t believe this, you, I – you, _ Renjun Huang _ you snake!” Donghyuck yells.

“Oh, also, kissing him back in the parking lot, Mark? That’s pretty goddamn smooth. Did you get inspired from watching Friends with Jaemin the other day?”

“I cannot believe this,” Mark stammers flusteredly, groaning with embarrassment as he buries his face in his hands while Yukhei hollers behind him and bearhugs him.

“My _ dude _ , you are in a _ relationship _now, bro!” Yukhei yells victoriously as he noogies Mark in the head. “You got yourself your own Donghyuck!”

“Hey! I’m right here, you know!” Donghyuck shouts in a high-pitched embarrassed tone.

“Anyways, we talked, and decided it would be good to spy on you guys, make sure nothing went wrong,” Yeri finishes. “And none of us have cars, and Kun does have a car, so...yeah.”

“They’re just messing with you guys,” Kun smiles gently. “Yeri and Renjun were practically squealing and screaming silently in the backseat when they saw you two kiss.”

Renjun crosses his arms. “Maybe so.”

“Oh by the way, Taeil says congratulations too, Donghyuck,” Kun says.

“WHAT?!”

“Oh yeah, that – we thought it would be funny to FaceTime Taeil to show him what his little cousin was up to,” Yeri says as she laughs at how unashamedly loud Donghyuck groans when he hears that.

“MY COUSIN SAW ME DO ALL OF THAT?!” he almost screeches.

“Over FaceTime! Don’t worry though, I doubt he heard everything over those cussing profanities in the backseat,” Kun smiles cheerfully.

“Dude, they were like, going _ feral _ or something when they saw you guys kiss,” Yukhei said with a strange sense of admiration. “Like, bro, I thought I was bad when I get wasted, but dude, Yeri and Renjun can get like, _ verbal _, man. Sailors ain’t got nothing on us.”

“Don’t you mean seamen?” Yeri jokes, and Yukhei laughs hysterically at it.

“Seriously? Seamen? That’s all it takes to make you laugh?” Kun says disapprovingly.

“Bro, _ seamen_. That’s always gonna be so fucking funny,” Yukhei giggles.

“Oh my god, I’m so screwed when I move back here,” Mark groans helplessly.

“How the hell did you even get Taeil’s number?!” Donghyuck shouts.

“Seulgi, duh,” Yeri laughs as if this is obvious.

“Oh my god, oh my god, can you please take me on your flight so I never have to show my face here again?” Donghyuck says as he feels his cheeks burn bright red with mortification.

“Not before you run me over with your car so I never have to live with this again,” Mark says, embarrassed that his friends had seen them kiss for the first time. “I hate it here.”

“Aww, those could be your wedding vows,” Yeri teases.

“I call ring boy!” Yukhei exclaims excitedly. “No wait, not ring boy. Ring _ bro _!”

“Oh my god.”

“Ring bro? Seriously?” Kun says. 

“Yeah dude, ring bro! That could be like, what they call it now.”

“Make sure you’re wearing a tuxedo for that, Parker,” Renjun casually quips.

When Mark said he’d love Donghyuck forever, he didn’t think he’d also feel embarrassed forever on the same day. But just hearing the words tuxedo and Parker come out of Renjun’s mouth sends a whole new kind of panic washing through him.

“OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS TOLD HIM!?” Mark yells all high-pitched and shrill. “YOU GUYS PROMISED YOU’D NEVER SHOW MY ROOMMATES!!”

“Wait, what?” Donghyuck says confusedly.

Yukhei starts to lose it as he cracks up. “Every time, every time you lose your shit when we bring it up and it _ never _gets old,” he says between laughing fits.

“Key word is _ roommates_, not _ former roommates _,” Yeri says devilishly. “Once you moved to New York for Spotify, it was on the table.”

“Unless of course, you’re moving back in,” Renjun replies with a knowing smile on his face. “I know you haven’t exactly figured out your housing situation yet for when you move back here. Not that it should be why you move back in, but...if you do, then technically, none of us can tell Jaemin or Jeno or Jisung about that.”

“Or Donghyuck,” Kun teases.

“Seriously, what?!” Donghyuck says indignantly. “What is this Tuxedo Parker thing that everyone has been talking about for the past three years? Why can’t me or Jaemin or Jeno or Jisung know? Hello?!”

“Okay, well, I have to get on my plane or I’m going to miss my flight–”

“No, Mark–”

“Donghyuck, I love you, I really do, but I really need to–”

“Aww, he said he loves Donghyuck!” Yeri coos.

Renjun continues to look unimpressed. “Like it hasn’t been obvious for the past three years.” 

“Mark–”

“Donghyuck seriously, I’m gonna miss my plane, I gotta go–”

“Mark Lee–”

“Oooooh, bro, he just full-named you,” Yukhei says excitedly.

“No guys seriously,” Kun sides with Mark, “Mark still has to get through security–”

“Mark Lee–”

“Sorry, bye Haechannie, I love you, see you in a month–”

“_Mark Lee, _if you love me, then you will–”

“Bye, guys, love you, we’ll talk about all this later!” Mark says as he rushes past everyone and runs across the bridge to the airport.

“MARKKK!” Donghyuck yells. “Mark Lee! This isn’t over! You love me, Mark! You love me and if you love me, then you’re going to tell me why the hell you’re running away from me right now!”

“Oh come on, Hyuck, that’s kind of a cheap move, already pulling the ‘if you love me’ card on him? At least wait until it’s been a week or something,” Renjun says matter-of-factly.

“Truth,” Kun agrees. “Anyways, I’m gonna head back to the car now. See you back there in five minutes, Renjun.”

“Actually, I think I’m gonna head home with Hyuck, since we live together, you know.”

“Ah, okay. Just text me when you get home, okay?”

“Will do.”

“Alright, we’ll leave you two alone,” Yeri says as she heads back with Kun, “although you’re totally telling me everything you guys talk about.”

“See you, dude!” Yukhei yells back as the three of them walk towards Kun’s car in the parking lot. “Call me when you marry my bro, Donghyuck!”

Donghyuck just sighs exhaustively as he attempts throw as nasty a hateful glare he can muster towards Renjun. “I hate that you know everything.”

“I know.”

“I hate that you followed me here because you wanted to supervise me, when I know you _ knew _this would happen.”

“Well, I didn’t _ know_, I had my suspicions, and they were definitely more than eighty percent correct this time.”

Donghyuck groans. “Why do you always have to be right about everything?”

“I’m not, though.”

“But you always know everything.”

“Well, not _ everything_,” Renjun says with a smile on his face. “We didn’t follow you guys out of the parking lot, since we figured you were going some place to talk in private. That’s what the four hours early were for, after all.”

“I knew it, I knew you had your reasons for telling me to drop Mark off four hours before his plane took off,” Donghyuck says. “And, well...thank you.”

“Thank me? For what?” Renjun says confusedly.

“For giving me the push I needed to talk to Mark.”

“Oh...well, you’re welcome, but no thanks needed,” Renjun shrugs shyly, even though there’s a small smile on his face. “It’s what friends are for, you know? I'm always here for you when you need me.”

“No, but seriously...thank you so much, Renjun, for helping me find the courage to confess to Mark and talk to him today.”

“Oh, so you _ did _go to talk to Mark,” Renjun confirms. “So where exactly did you guys go, and what did you talk about?”

Even at the mention of that, Donghyuck can’t help but smile as he feels that warm feeling spread through his chest as his annoyance and embarrassment dissipate. “We went to an In-N-Out, and just talked about what it means if we’re in love, and where that means we’re headed.”

“And?”

Donghyuck smiles. “I’ll tell you about it on the ride home. Come on, let’s go,” he motions for Renjun to follow him back to his car.

Renjun just grins back even wider. “I missed you, Haechannie,” he says affectionately as he hugs Donghyuck’s side as they walk back.

“Mark is the one who was gone for the past year, idiot,” he retorts as he unlocks the driver’s seat and opens the door.

Renjun shoves him playfully into the driver’s seat. “You know what I mean, you hopeless romantic.”

“Hey, come on now, I’m just a new romantic,” Donghyuck teases back playfully as he turns on the ignition. “Because I’m new to all this romantic stuff. Mark is the hopeless one.”

Renjun laughs heartily. “I know. And I’m happy you told him you loved him, Hyuck. I really am. I’m proud of you, for being brave enough to follow your heart.”

If only Renjun knew how happy he is that Mark was brave enough to choose to stay with him, stay there in Donghyuck’s heart.

Then again, it’s Renjun. Of course he knows.

Donghyuck smiles fondly. “Me too, Renjun. Me too.”

“So, why don’t you tell me everything?”

_ Where should I start_, Donghyuck wonders. “What do you want to know?”

“Well, what did you guys talk about?”

“Ah, well, first we talked about the moments when we both realized we actually loved each other…and after that, we talked about where we go from here.”

“Oh,” Renjun exclaims excitedly. “So when was the moment you realized you loved Mark? Because I know you admitted to me that you loved him while he was at his graduation ceremony. But when did you actually start feeling those affectionate, happy, best friend feelings for him?” he teases playfully.

Donghyuck laughs, realizing now how ridiculous that sounds in his head a year later.

“Hmmm...well, I suppose I could start from the very beginning, when I was with Mark in Vancouver, and he asked me why I wouldn’t want to leave Christmas lights up until January...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this chapter!
> 
> I actually originally intended for this to be the ending. However, as things changed/got shifted around, I realized that this fic is entirely set before Mark and Donghyuck become brave enough to admit that they love each other. So, the final chapter will focus on what happens after. It will be posted next week, but may be a day or two later from when I usually post – I really want to fine-tune it and edit it.
> 
> If you've made it this far – thank you for reading! And thank you to everyone who's left wonderful comments/CC questions, I really enjoy reading and responding to all your thoughts and it really makes me happy that y'all have enjoyed this fic! :3
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues) | [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues) | [official Lover playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ZkOabBMhNqXQQejm34G0G?si=h8wvYOKzQ8SOcUd71ucQCQ)


	13. Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you had told Mark on his first day of Music 25 with Professor Park that he’d become best friends with the dude he spilled coffee on that hated his guts, then fall in love with him, and then live with him as his boyfriend after he graduated from college, he would’ve just laughed both outrageously and flusteredly, then notice you weren’t joking, and play it off and say, “whatever you say, dude.”
> 
> But here they are, in the apartment, and they still haven’t told Jaemin, Jeno, and Jisung about them yet, because they decided to be lowkey and don’t want to make things weird...yet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, with every guitar string scar on their hands, Mark takes his magnetic force of a man to be his...
> 
> It's the final chapter! It's intended to be a "finale" to the entire fic. Here's what happens in the afterglow of Mark and Donghyuck finally getting together. This is also the only linear chapter in this story, meaning that everything happens in order, much like in a TV show finale. Hope you enjoy seeing how the story comes to a close!

_ **Darling you’re my, my, my, my…** _

“Look at the lights they have up in this restaurant! They remind me of Christmas lights,” Mark says cheerfully as the two of them stepped inside. “Aren't they so pretty?”

“Does _ everything _have to remind you about Christmas?” Donghyuck sighs annoyedly as he opens the door for Mark.

“I was just saying, that’s all,” Mark shrugs lightly. “Come on, Haechannie, am I annoying you already? It’s only five minutes into our first ever date,” he grins cheekily.

“Mark, you were annoying the entire car ride here when you sang all the Coldplay songs on your playlist off-key, seriously, get your ears checked.”

“Love you too, Hyuck.”

“Hi, just you two?” the hostess asks them, looking between the two of them expectantly.

“Yes! I believe the reservation is under Mark?” Mark says.

“Ah, yes, Mark, here you are! You requested a table outside, yes?” 

“Yes please,” Mark smiles cordially. 

“Alright, right this way!”

“Oh, so you’re polite to her, but not to me?” Donghyuck bickers annoyedly.

“She’s the hostess?” Mark says rhetorically. “Why would I not be nice to her. And unlike some people, she isn’t going to leave me for two years because she has to enlist in the military.”

Donghyuck just huffs with mock exasperation as the two of them sit down at the table, the evening air a pleasant cold as the fairy lights tangled above the wooden gazebo provide a gentle glow to the table.

In the end, no matter how much he enjoys teasing and annoying Mark, his love for him fits like the cozy Christmas sweater he got from him in Vancouver two years ago. And even though he’s not wearing it now, it’s a feeling he always has, whenever he’s with Mark like this.

***

If you had told Mark on his first day of Music 25 with Professor Park that he’d become best friends with the dude he spilled coffee on that hated his guts, then fall in love with him, and then live with him as his boyfriend after he graduated from college, he would’ve just laughed both outrageously and flusteredly, then notice you weren’t joking, and play it off and say, “whatever you say, dude.”

But here they are, in the apartment, and they still haven’t told Jaemin, Jeno, and Jisung about them yet, because they decided to be lowkey and don’t want to make things weird...yet. 

First, they have to think of a set of ground rules before they even consider bringing it up to the three of them, because they know this is going to be new and maybe weird and unknown to their friends, but they hope that in the end, they accept it.

That’s why Renjun’s currently sitting with them at the kitchen table, and the two of them are slumped over and exhausted after having moved all of Mark’s boxes from the living room back into Donghyuck’s room, but Renjun refuses to let them wuss out.

“Hey!” he snaps authoritatively. “I didn’t agree to still keep your secret just so that you two would be a bunch of lazy bums when it came to making the rules.”

“Can we just get a five minute break? Please?” Mark sighs out tiredly. “I want to take a nap before we go out to get KBBQ tonight.”

“No, Jeno’s going to be home in half an hour, so if you want this to be your little secret relationship with your little secret first date yesterday, then you need to get off your little secret asses and work on the ground rules with me,” Renjun says, unmoved and unimpressed. 

“Ugh, why are you being so annoying about this,” Donghyuck mutters under his breath.

“I’m not being annoying, you guys are being annoying by being so whiny about this.”

“Ugh, can you just stop being up our asses about this?” Donghyuck says. “Why do we have to come up with official rules? What are we, referees? You’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be, just let us take a break.”

Mark smiles, unable to help himself – even when he whines, Donghyuck is so unbearably cute, it makes Mark feel fuzzy inside.

“Oh? Is that so,” Renjun says smugly. “Well, then…”

He pulls out his phone and dials a number. He puts it on speaker so that Mark and Donghyuck can hear. The other line picks up.

“_ Injunnieeeee _,” Jaemin says in his cute aegyo voice on the other line. 

Immediately the two of them sit up straight and look at Renjun with dangerously frightened eyes. Renjun just looks at the two of them with a diabolical grin.

“Hey Jaem.”

“What’s up?”

“Just calling to see if you wanna get dinner with me later,” Renjun says lightly, fully aware that he holds all the power right now as Mark and Donghyuck look at him with pleading, desperate faces. “I’m getting KBBQ with Mark and Donghyuck.”

“Oh, is that so? So you want me to come so you don’t have to play third wheel with them? What, are they on a date?” Jaemin jokes teasingly. 

Mark feels his heart drop four stories and smash onto the kitchen floor.

“You’re so annoying, I’m literally just asking you because you always make a big deal whenever we go out to eat without inviting you,” Renjun lies amusedly. “Why, do you think they’re dating?”

“Would that be considered backtalking if I said yes?”

“I don’t know, that’s for you to decide.”

“Okay well, I think so, but let’s be real here, Mark’s so obvious I probably would’ve figured it out by now,” Jaemin says cockily. Renjun just rolls his eyes. “He totally would’ve slipped up by now. But I don’t know, there’s this, like, _ weird _ energy between them now. Have you noticed that?”

“Wait, sorry, I actually need to take a piss really quick, can I put you on mute for like thirty seconds?”

“Yeah, go for it.”

Renjun hits the mute button on his phone and then looks back at the two of them calculatingly. “Well? Should I tell him? Or is that not that _ big _of a deal.”

“Rulesrulesrulesrulesruleswe’llworkontherules,” Mark repeats flusteredly, almost begging at this point. “Pleaseeee Renjun, _ please _ do not tell him, he will absolutely _ flip _out if you tell him.”

“I will _ never _ hear the end of it if he finds out you knew before he did,” Donghyuck says imploringly. “He will absolutely _ kill _ me if he finds out I told you before him, he _ has _to think he’s the first to know, please please pleasseeeeeeeee–”

“Alright fine, but you two better be serious about it this time,” Renjun threatens ominously. “I know you want to give it a month of you two dating before you finally tell everyone else, because you want all the pressure off and to be taken all ‘serious’ or whatever, but seriously. You two either shape up or ship out. Literally.”

“Yeah that’s fine, just please, Renjun, don’t tell him,” Mark says pleadingly.

“Promise I won’t, so long as you two help me with the rules.”

“Yes, we promise,” Donghyuck says seriously.

“Then your secret is safe with me.” He takes Jaemin off of speaker phone. “Hey, sorry, what were you saying again?”

“Geez, is all that piss affecting your memory or something?” Jaemin says sardonically. “We were talking about how weird it is between Mark and Hyuck? Seriously, what’s going on with them? Have you noticed that?”

“Dude, I wish I knew,” Renjun sighs, and it’s like watching someone change into a totally different person before their eyes. “Mark says he’s noticed it too, how weird Donghyuck has been around him. I think Donghyuck is just trying to, I dunno, avoid another fight or something?”

“Shit, wait, you mean like last time?” Jaemin says fearfully. “Are you serious? You think Donghyuck’s mad at Mark again?”

_ Oh my god, _ Donghyuck thinks astonishedly, _ this evil fucking genius– _

“Yeah, remember how two years ago Donghyuck started acting really weird when Mark joined the U Team? I’m like, getting similar vibes to that, it’s starting to feel like deja vu with him,” Renjun says alarmedly. “And I’ve tried talking to Hyuck, but he says everything is fine.”

“Shit, what do you think happened this time?” Jaemin asks over the phone concernedly. “Is it because of Mark wanting to room with him and then he had to kick Jeno out to go share a room with you again?”

Renjun raises his eyebrows at that. “Oh, wow, I never even considered that!” he replies concernedly, giving the two of them a thumbs up. “You know, Jeno _ has _been acting sort of sad lately. I’ve noticed that he's been a lot quieter and keeping to himself more than usual now that we’re roommates again.”

“Oh my god, I thought I was the only one who noticed that!” Jaemin says worriedly. “Yeah dude, Jeno’s been really glum lately. Shit, man, what if Hyuck is starting to feel awkward for kicking him out and he’s like, _ resenting _ that he agreed to let Mark be his roommate again?” 

“Wait, do you think that’s what’s happening?” Renjun says fake-surprisedly, as if this is actually plausible, and he’s not sitting across from two of his best friends who happen to be very much in love with each other.

“Crap, what if it is?” Jaemin asks. “Fuck, man, I don’t wanna go through another Mark versus Hyuck fight again. Do you remember the last time this happened? That shit fucking sucked.”

“I agree, I definitely don’t want this to happen again,” Renjun says seriously. “Actually, that should be even more of a reason for you to come get dinner with us tonight,” he adds. “Maybe if we, you know, get them talking to each other, and you crack some jokes or something, it’ll diffuse the tension and Donghyuck will get over it.”

“You think so?” Jaemin says. “I mean, I’ll go get dinner with you guys, for sure, but are you sure that’ll help?”

“I think it will,” Renjun affirms. “We just need to get them talking to each other, that’s all. Maybe that’ll encourage Donghyuck to be honest about his feelings to Mark,” he winks at the two of them, and Donghyuck makes an annoyed grimace in response.

“Yeah, for sure, we’ll do that,” Jaemin says. “I think being in a public setting might also encourage them more than if we were just in our apartment.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Renjun responds. “So, you down to go get some KBBQ with us tonight?”

“Of course, man!” Jaemin says enthusiastically. “You know how much I love pork belly. Also I really do wanna make sure they don’t fight again. Be a good friend, you know?”

“Definitely,” Renjun agrees. “Also, I’m inviting Kun too, since I’m getting the car from him later today and I figure he’d be down to go with us.”

“Alright, sounds good. Well, I gotta go, but I’ll talk to you later, mmkay? See you tonight,” Jaemin says.

“Gotcha, later dude!” Renjun says casually as he hangs up the call. 

Then he hacks an annoyed “ugh” at his phone. “And that’s for all that Newer Deal backtalk, _ Na Snakemin _!” he yells at his phone. “Fucking backtalking drama queen.”

Then he just grins devilishly at the two of them, perhaps a bit a tad drunk on power but still very much determined to get some ground rules set. They just needed a reminder of who is in charge, after all. “So, are you two ready to play nice and make some rules?”

“Yes!” they both agree overzealously in unison.

“I knew you’d see things my way,” Renjun replies breezily. “Oh, and by the way, that’s not why Jeno is all moody. You know how he wanted to grow his hair out to have a manbun?”

“He did?” Donghyuck says incredulously. “Why? That would look so...bad.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said, and then he got mad that I said that and now he’s all moody and wants to bleach his hair or dye it pink, since I thought the manbun idea was stupid. Can you guys please talk some sense into him?”

“Okay but actually, the bleached blonde look on him might–”

Mark kicks Hyuck under the table, to which he yelps but then realizes the precarious situation they are in and decides to shut up. “Yeah, for sure, I’ll talk to him about it.”

“Good, he could use someone else besides me telling him that his hair looks just fine the way it is,” Renjun nods. “Now, let’s begin, shall we?”

***

_ You always make this same stupid face _ , Donghyuck thinks to himself as Mark jumbles over his words switching between Korean and English. _ That same stupid, stupidly cute face. _

He doesn’t even care about this story Mark is telling him about. He just keeps looking at Mark, thinking about how he’s the luckiest guy in the world, that he got to end up falling in love with his best friend.

“Mark, I love you,” Donghyuck says randomly.

“Hmm?” Mark replies. “Oh! Well, I love you too, Haechannie. What does that have to do with me basically third-wheeling on a date with Chungha and Taeyong though?”

“Nothing, because to be completely honest,” Donghyuck replies, “I was not listening to you at all and have no interest whatsoever in your story.”

Mark sighs. “Then if you don’t have any interest, why do you say you want to hear about the stories I want to tell you about New York?”

“Because I love you,” Donghyuck excuses himself. “Is that not enough of a reason?”

“That’s the same reason you used for when you told me how we’d last when you go off and enlist,” Mark groans. “You’re the worst boyfriend ever.”

“No, _ this _is me being the worst boyfriend ever,” Donghyuck says cheekily as he goes to pinch Mark’s left cheek and get him to yelp. But instead of yelping and getting flustered like he usually does, Mark just grins.

“Wait–”

“I actually don’t mind when you do this now,” Mark smiles happily. “I think it’s cute, though, that you try doing this to get me all embarrassed.”

“Oh, uh–”

“Because I know you like it when I get all _ flustered _,” Mark says sultrily, and suddenly Donghyuck feels himself getting embarrassed as he lets go of Mark’s left cheek and starts to wipe his hands on his legs nervously.

“Uh, um–”

“What’s the matter? Run out of words?” Mark keeps teasing him.

Feeling extremely shy at the moment, Donghyuck stops himself from screaming and decides to just let Mark win this time. “Yes,” he replies timidly. “I’ve run out of words.”

Mark only kisses him on the cheek, which makes him feel impossibly hot as he feels his face burn up like a wildfire.

“You’re so cute when you get all shy,” Mark says playfully as he pets Donghyuck’s hair, and Donghyuck feels his entire insides practically melting at the touch.

***

“You know, I’m going to graduate soon,” Donghyuck says as he cuddles next to Mark in his bed. Although he wishes they didn’t have separate beds, but for the sake of keeping up the pretense that they’re only friends (and because Donghyuck doesn’t want to move too fast) both Mark and Donghyuck have their own beds in their room.

“I know,” Mark says softly as he wraps his arms around Donghyuck to pull him in closer. “And I know it’s selfish to ask but...I really hope you stay after you graduate.”

“We’ll see,” Donghyuck hums lightly, feeling cozy as Mark’s breathing soothes him, works like ocean waves calmly passing over sand to wash away any grating feelings in his chest.

“You’re still not sure, right? About staying.”

“No, not really,” he admits. “I mean, I’m applying for work here, and I’ll definitely talk to my parents about staying, but...yeah, you know, nothing is certain.”

“You could always move to Vancouver,” Mark says softly, exhaling a bit more heavily as Donghyuck shifts his weight and lies more on his stomach. “I’m sure my mom would be more than happy to have you over.”

“That’s nice,” Donghyuck hums. “But I would really just want to stay in L.A, you know? You’re here, Heejin and Hyunjin are staying here, Jeno’s here, Taeil’s here, the whole apartment is here...but if not, then I guess...then I would move back to Korea.”

“But you could always stay,” Mark says.

“I still have to enlist, Mark,” Donghyuck chides him softly in Korean. “Me and Jeno always planned on doing it together, after college, and then moving back home. But...I dunno, I guess we didn’t expect to find love here.”

Mark looks at Donghyuck with a strange expression. “Jeno found love here?”

“Not our kind of love, but you know...love that we all have for each other,” Donghyuck surmises. “We’re all friends, you know? And I don’t think he expected all of us to grow so close but...here we are.”

“Ah,” Mark nods. “That kind of love.”

“I mean, of course, there’s Yeeun, she’s still around here, you know,” Donghyuck says. “But we’ll see if they end up dating. I think they’re kind of in the same position as we are, you know? Best friends who aren’t sure if being in love is the right thing.”

“But being in love is always the right thing,” Mark says as he plays with Donghyuck’s hair, carding his fingers through it.

“But just because you’re in love doesn’t mean you always do the right thing,” Donghyuck responds back. “But yeah, I dunno...I have to talk to him about it. We always said we’d do our enlistment together..”

“How long is enlistment?” Mark asks apprehensively. “If you two went together.”

“Usually 21 months, so...2 years, basically,” Donghyuck says reluctantly, because he knows that ever since they’ve started their relationship, Mark has been apprehensive about it.

But what he doesn’t understand is that it’s not just expected of him – it’s quite literally the law. And no matter how much he loves Mark, it’s still a requirement as a Korean citizen. Mark wouldn’t have that expectation, born and raised a Canadian, but for Donghyuck, that’s always been reality, and one he’s perfectly fine with having.

Which is a problem. Because it’s not fine with Mark.

“So...I wouldn’t get to see you for 2 years?” Mark says.

“Well...yeah,” Donghyuck sighs, not wanting to have this conversation with Mark again. “But it won’t be that bad, yeah? I’ll just be gone for two years. I hadn’t seen you for a year before you moved back here. It’ll just be the same thing.”

“I know, but...I just want you to stay,” Mark says, hugging onto Donghyuck a bit closer. “Can’t you delay it until you turn thirty?”

“Yeah, but...I can’t keep delaying it,” Donghyuck says reluctantly. “I could delay it for my degree, but unless I do a masters, which I don’t...then there's no point in delaying it till I’m thirty.”

“And you don’t want to put it off because?”

“Because I want to get it over with, so that I don’t have it hanging over my head and I can start building my career without worrying about it, you know?”

“I know but...you could also stay, and put it off, so that we can build our life together,” Mark whispers fondly. “Our future. That could be a reason to delay, right?”

Again, Donghyuck sighs, unsure of what to do.

The future is unclear, because while he wishes he could see Mark in his future, the space there is blank, just blank space and nothing else. He doesn’t know if he wants to go back to Korea or stay in America. He doesn’t want to enlist right after graduation, not when he just got in a relationship with his best friend that he’s been in love with for the past two years.

But truthfully, Donghyuck doesn’t know what to do, and that scares him. He’s usually bold, blunt, and brave, confident that what he does is the right thing. It’s that brash, headstrong thinking that gets him in trouble sometimes, but it’s also gotten him where he is today.

So what happens when the blues get stuck in his head, and he doesn’t know which way to go from here?

“I...I won’t make any promises,” Donghyuck finally says carefully. “I don’t know, anything could happen right now, Mark. I’m looking into jobs here, because I do want to stay here, at least for a little bit. But if it doesn’t work out, then...yeah, I think I would move back to Korea and complete my enlistment, because I don’t want it looming over my head.”

Mark only pulls him in closer.

Donghyuck just sighs tiredly. He doesn’t want to have this conversation right now.

“I’m not just asking for me, I’m also asking because, you know...Jaemin was asking since the lease renewal comes up in a month and a half,” Mark says softly. “I just..I’m going to sign it, because my job at Spotify, my life and my friends, it’s here now. And I don’t want to pressure you, or anything, but...just think about it, okay?”

“...Okay, for you–”

“No, please, not for me,” Mark insists softly, “for _ you _.”

But he knows Mark well enough to tell Mark’s getting apprehensive about his enlistment. It’s the reason there’s been this lingering awkwardness, lingering unspoken tension between them. And normally he would tell Mark to just get over it, that it’s only two years, it’s not that big of a deal, and that if he could spend three years pining over him, he could spend two years waiting for him.

Except the thing is, Donghyuck does understand. Because he knows what it’s like, to ask someone to stay, but they leave anyways. He knows because it was only when he realized he was about to lose Mark, every time he walked out the door, just how much he actually loves him. And he knows how much it hurts.

“Okay,” Donghyuck replies softly. “I’ll think about it...for me. And I’ll let you know...I’ll let you guys all know soon, what I end up deciding on.”

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, push, pull, push, pull. Ocean waves wash over as they sit in silence, just the gentle sound of two hearts beating and breathing in the same air.

But the grating feeling still remains in his chest.

***

“I mean, honestly, Jeno,” Donghyuck says bluntly, “you would look bad with a manbun, and I’m not saying that to be mean, but to be a real friend.”

“Really?” Jeno replies sadly.

“Yes, really, I am,” Donghyuck emphasizes. “Jeno, I always want you to look your best, and let me tell you – with a manbun, you will never look your best.”

“But I think it would be cool?” Jeno says with a pout. “I just wanna do something new with my hair, it’s just been...well, the same.”

“Is this because Jaemin dyed his hair pink recently and you wanna do something with your hair too?” Donghyuck says encouragingly. “We could just try bleaching your hair? Or making it a lighter color? Maybe brown.”

“But that’s so...boring, agh, I dunno, I just…”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He pats his bed and Jeno only gives him a glance for confirmation before they’re back to old habits, Jeno resting on top of the pillows, Donghyuck wrapping his arms around him to snuggle him and spoon him, adding a blanket on top of Jeno because he knows that Jeno likes warm cozy snuggles. 

Even though Mark is his boyfriend, he’s a horrible little spoon, always wanting to be the big spoon, which Donghyuck doesn’t mind but also doesn’t prefer. Jeno is much more cooperative, like a loyal Samoyed who enjoys the warmth of Donghyuck’s embrace whenever he is the little spoon.

“I dunno, I just feel like, all of college, I was supposed to do something exciting, out there,” Jeno huffs exhaustedly two minutes later, breaking Donghyuck’s embrace to turn around and face him. “I feel like I was supposed to do something like, you know, risky, or out of my comfort zone. But I just feel like I’ve been…”

“Vanilla?” Donghyuck suggests. “_ No jam _?”

“I guess,” he sighs. “I don’t know, this is my last semester of college, yeah? And I’ve been to parties, and concerts, and done like, the regular college stuff. But I just...I just wish I did something not regular, you know? Like something...something wild.”

“But you don’t like getting drunk,” Donghyuck notes. “And you don’t want to do any hard drugs either. So...what is your definition of wild, then? A man bun? Bleaching your hair?”

“I don’t know,” Jeno replies with twinges of uncertainty, eyes softening, reticence fading away as he opens up more to Donghyuck. “I don’t know, Hyuck. I mean, no, I don’t want to go tripping at a rave, or drunk-hooking up with someone at a club, or snorting lines at Coachella, but...I don’t know, I wish I did something more...crazy, with my time in college.”

“I get that,” Donghyuck replies. “Maybe crazy isn’t the right word, you just...you wanna do something fun, yeah? Like to try something new, something totally not you, huh. Kinda like...like when I went to go visit Mark in Vancouver?”

Jeno’s eyes light up at the mention of it. “Yeah! Exactly like that. Nothing like, dangerous, or super hardcore, just...something new, and exciting.”

“Hmm…” Donghyuck thinks for a bit. “What if we went on a road trip?”

“Road trip?” Jeno says.

“Yeah! Road trip. Just you and me, the good old Cheerful Lee and Witty Lee team at it again,” Donghyuck smiles. “We haven’t done something one on one in awhile, you know.”

“We played Overwatch last night together?”

“No, not that, I just mean, like, have an experience, you know?” Donghyuck replies. “Do something where we like, bond, or get closer. I guess we’ve gotten so comfortable with each other that we don’t feel the need to like, do that stuff anymore, you know?”

“So like...renewing our friendship vows?” Jeno says.

“Sure, why not,” Donghyuck agrees with the sentiment, even if he finds the phrase cheesy. “Renewing our friendship vows by doing something new and exciting together.”

“Should we do it for spring break, then?” Jeno asks. “Make it an apartment thing?”

“Well, it would be hard, because Mark’s working full-time now, and I think Jisung said he wants to go visit Shanghai with Chenle,” Donghyuck replies. “But we could try making a spring break trip out of something, too. We could go to like, Hawaii, maybe? That would be a lot of fun!”

“Oooh, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii,” Jeno says excitedly. “That would be cool! We could do something exciting, like swimming with sharks? Well, I dunno about that, actually, Jaemin and Jisung hate the ocean but–”

“No yes, let’s go swimming with sharks!” Donghyuck replies enthusiastically. “That’s what we’ll do, we’ll go swimming with sharks for spring break. And also sometime soon, just you and me, we’ll take our own road trip...a _ bro _’d trip.”

“A _ bro _’d trip?” Jeno repeats comically, laughing a bit. “Is Yukhei starting to rub off on you, Haechannie?”

“Bro, Yukhei has _ always _been rubbing off on me,” Donghyuck replies goofily, and the two of them laugh at each other.

“See? This is what I meant,” Donghyuck continues as he pets Jeno’s head playfully. “We don’t do this anymore. We’re so busy, doing shit, we don’t make time for just the two of us to hang out anymore, you know?”

“Yeah, I see what you mean,” Jeno replies, nuzzling his head in Donghyuck’s hand like a puppy. “College is definitely not easy, even in your last semester.”

“Tell me about it,” Donghyuck agrees. “I still don’t know what I’m gonna do when we graduate, you know? Like, all my life, I’ve only known school...I don’t know what I’m gonna do after that yet.”

“Are you looking into staying here until the end of the year, or did you want to enlist right after graduation?” Jeno asks.

“I dunno, I’m really not sure yet,” Donghyuck admits, and now it’s his turn to share and open up to his snuggle buddy. “I thought I wanted to go back after I graduate, get my enlistment over and done with but...I dunno, is that what you wanted to do? I was only going to do it if you were. Do you still want to do that?”

“Well...I actually was considering doing something different,” Jeno confesses. “And please, please don’t be mad at me for, you know, choosing this, but, uh...I was considering doing something else.”

“Something else?” Donghyuck says surprisedly. “You don’t want to do the Air Force together anymore? You want to do...Navy? Army?”

“Please don’t be mad,” Jeno pleads.

“No, no, I’m not mad,” Donghyuck insists, “I’m not mad, Jen. I could never be mad at you. Just tell me, what were you thinking about?”

“Well...do you know how I’m getting my degree in civil engineering?”

“So you can become like, an architect, or something like that?”

“Yeah,” Jeno nods his head. “Well...I wanted to pursue getting my Masters in Civil Engineering here in L.A. I was thinking of applying to it next year, after I worked for a bit this summer. And then after I finished my degree…”

“...You would enlist?” Donhyuck says, unsure of where Jeno is going with this.

“Yeah, but not in the military, but as a research scientist.”

Donghyuck has no idea what Jeno is saying. “Wait, you can do that? What the hell?”

“Yeah, _ jeonmunyeonguyowon _,” Jeno explains. “It's an alternative to regular military service, where you work 34 months in a government-recognized research lab if you have a masters degree in STEM.”

“Oh...”

“I mean, it makes the most sense to me, career wise,” Jeno says. “Like, I know I said I wanted to do architecture for grad school, but...I like the research I do now, in my lab. And I really like working with materials. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still want to try doing architecture one day, but...I think I want to pursue research.”

“So instead of an architect, you’d be...a scientist?”

“Well, civil engineer, technically, but yeah. I’m not sure though, I’m going to talk to my advisor about it more,” Jeno says with uncertainty. “Just...everything’s so up in the air, you know? I don’t know what I want to do with my degree yet. But I think regardless of whether it’s an architect or an engineer, I’d probably work in lab research for my enlistment.”

“Huh,” Donghyuck says, slowly processing all this information at once. “That’s...a lot to consider now.”

“I’m sorry,” Jeno says apologetically. “I was meaning to tell you, but to be honest I didn’t want to tell you because I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it, you know? But yeah, I don’t think we’ll be going to the Air Force together anymore, dude. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry,” Donghyuck rubs Jeno’s shoulder tenderly. “You should do what’s best for you, yeah? Who cares if we’re not doing our enlistment together. It’s better that we both do what we want, even if we aren’t doing it together.”

_ You could also stay, and put it off, so that we can build our life together. Our future _, Mark had said, a bit too eagerly, zealously, as if it was an absolute.

The grating feeling starts to seize up in his chest again.

“No, I know, I just...I don’t want to make you feel bad, yeah?” Jeno replies. “Even though we’re not going to be doing it together, we’ll still be friends!”

_ But...I just want you to stay _, Mark had said, hugging Donghyuck tighter.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck ignores his thoughts, the words coming back and searing every inch of his brain. “Yeah, that’d...that’d be nice.”

Jeno notices that Donghyuck seems to be spacing out, but just thinks he’s tired and exhausted. He snuggles closer to Donghyuck, and decides to turn Donghyuck around and spoon him instead of the other way around, return the favor. Donghyuck complies as he tosses and turns a bit, his own mind a reflection of those motions.

“Thanks, Hyuck, for talking to me,” Jeno says softly into Donghyuck’s shoulder blade. “You were right, we don’t do this as much as we should.”

“Yeah, you too,” Donghyuck responds absentmindedly, distractedly.

_ I don’t want to pressure you, or anything, but...just think about it, okay? _ Mark had said.

Then why does Donghyuck feel this pressure building up in his chest?

If he can talk so openly with Jeno, shouldn’t he be able to do the same for Mark?

He ignores it, ignores it, ignores it, and eventually Jeno’s warmth wins out, the ice in his chest starting to melt away as Jeno cuddles him from behind, the two of them enjoying the silence of the apartment as the rest of their friends are busy with work or class.

But the grating feeling still remains.

***

“Your call, Mark.”

“Why do you do this,” Mark sighs tiredly.

“So, that’s three for Jungwoo, three for Jisung, Mark, you’re the deciding vote,” Jeno narrates. “Who are you voting for, dude?”

It’s Saturday game night. Mark had invited his old apartment over to come play (except Jungeun, who had moved back to Korea), Jisung invited Chenle, and Ten had invited himself as he tagged along with Kun. After they’d exhausted every possible combo on Super Smash Bros, Donghyuck and Chenle excitedly suggested mafia.

“Mark, I’m _ not _the mafia, I swear,” Jungwoo pouts cutely. “Why would I be the mafia? We all know it’s Jisung. He’s so bad at lying.”

“Hey, I’m just bad at this game in general!” Jisung protests flusteredly. “Come on you guys, I play because everyone else is playing but you guys know I suck at this game. I’m really not the mafia this time. Every time I am, you guys are right and kill me.”

“So what you’re saying is, we’re right?” Jaemin says smugly.

Jisung panics. “No! I’m not the mafia! That’s not what I meant, I just meant that–”

“You’re so cute when you get flustered, Jisunggieeee,” Jaemin says in his aegyo voice as he tries to hug Jisung tightly, much to Jisung’s dismayed abhorrence.

“Come on, Mark, just pick Jisung,” Chenle complains. “Why do you always do this every time we play? Just pick him–”

“But what if Donghyuck wants me to pick Jisung off because him and Jaemin are the mafia,” Mark says suddenly, the conspiracy beginning to spin.

“Bro, that’s what I said!” Yukhei agrees. “Jungwoo, Jaemin and Donghyuck are the mafia and those two are working together to try and kill Jungwoo off.”

“But then that means–”

“Ew, gross, like I would ever work with Jaemin if we were mafia together,” Donghyuck grimaces. “He would have tried getting me killed first thing if he was the mafia.”

“Ugh, here we go, trying to throw me under the bus _ again _,” Jaemin sighs dramatically, letting go of Jisung to straighten up, much to Jisung’s relief.

“You literally threw me under the bus yesterday for getting takeout without you and Renjun,” Donghyuck replies blandly. “It’s not my fault me and Jeno already made plans.”

“You could’ve at least _ asked _us if we wanted to come,” Jaemin says pointedly. “Common courtesy, hello?”

“Well, maybe I would, if you didn’t _ backtalk _everyone, just like how you back talked about me not inviting you to In-N-Out when Heejin just asked me on a whim,” Donghyuck says annoyedly.

“Oh please, like _ you’re _ any better,” Jaemin scoffs offendedly. “And you call _ me _a snake? You always backtalk everyone, and you back-act on them too. You’re literally back-acting right now, you’re so two-faced sometimes.”

“And you’re just a handsome face with no talent behind it,” Donghyuck sasses back.

And offended glare flares up on Jaemin’s face. “Excuse me? Just because I have the beauty doesn’t mean I don’t have the brains! I’m more than just a handsome face, I’ll have you know that–”

“You have a 3.8 GPA, you got an award for your photography, you’re going to graduate with honors, blah blah this, blah blah that,” Donghyuck retorts dismissively. “Look, for the record, I am _ not _ the mafia and if I was, _ Mr. Conceited _over there would definitely not be alive.”

“Oh my god, why are you guys like this,” Mark groans.

“Oh yeah? Well we’re _ barely _ alive after going up that mountain, no thanks to _ you _,” Jaemin replies hotly. “Remember that little stunt you pulled?”

Yeri, Chenle and Ten take out their phones in anticipation, ready to capture another fight between Donghyuck and Jaemin (Ten even has a dedicated folder on his phone of all nine videos of them fighting called “Nahyuck: enemies to enemies”).

Renjun stares at both of them with an annoyed expression. “Guys, please–”

“That was not my fault–”

“It is _ so _your fault–”

“Seriously, if you two don’t shut up–”

“No, that is NOT my fault, you _ knew _ Jisung would get motion sickness but _ no _ , you only told us to bring _ one _pack of dramamine tablets from Target because you said the drive wasn’t that bad from what you read about it online!” Donghyuck raises his voice.

“Hey! The drive wouldn’t have been so bad if we hadn’t gotten lost on that mountain, that is ENTIRELY _ your _fault!” Jaemin replies annoyedly. 

“That is not what happened and you fucking know it!” Donghyuck replies. “I _ told _you that we would get lost if we went up that goddamn mountain.”

“Dude, there was only one way to get back and that was fucking _ down _!”

“And yet you somehow STILL managed to _ fuck _that one up.”

“I’m getting motion sickness again just listening to you two argue,” Jisung groans.

“_ You’re _ the reason that we screwed up because _ you _ put in the wrong address for the cafe we were supposed to go to for brunch!” Jaemin exclaims angrily.

“Well we could’ve just gone to brunch instead, if you didn’t want to drive up there to get pictures in the first place!” Donghyuck shrieks hotly. “Maybe if you stopped trying to be a fucking Instagram influencer you would realize that you are a brainless _ idiot _!”

“HEY! That is legitimate and _ valid _dream–”

“Oh my fucking – for the _ last _time, that is not a real dream, that is the product of three shots of tequila and two orders of Taco Bell chalupas!” Renjun says exasperatedly. “Can both of you please just drop it already?!”

“Hey! Being an Instagram influencer is a _ totally valid _ dream,” Ten cuts in defensively. “And it is _ absolutely _ the best job in the world, being a full-time _ baddie _.”

“Holy motherfu– Ten, say you’re a baddie _ one _more time, and you’re permanently banned from this apartment,” Renjun hisses. “I never want to hear you utter that word again.”

“And Ten, you literally complain all the time about how we’re your only not-fake non-influencer friends,” Kun blandly states. “Also, what is this about two shots of tequila with Taco Bell chalupas, _ Renjun _?” he states in a very strict, concerned older brother voice, crossing his arms. 

“It was FIVE shots!” Jaemin raises his voice dramatically as he raises five fingers. “Five!”

“Five shots?” Kun repeats sternly.

“Jaemin, shut up, you’re not helping!” Renjun snaps annoyedly in Chinese.

“Wow, five shots, do you want a medal for that or something?” Donghyuck huffs irritably.

“No, but clearly you do, since I don’t even play Overwatch as much as you do and you’re _ still _fucking bronze ranked!” Jaemin says spitefully.

Mark, Jeno and Jisung gasp. Donghyuck only stares at Jaemin with wide, shocked and vehemently _ livid _eyes that shake intensely.

“Oh, and you wanna know something else?” Jaemin adds, staring back with equally furious eyes, the entire room tense, hyperfocused on the two of them exchanging blows. “Maybe if you stopped denying that _I’m _actually Jeno’s best friend, then you would also realize that you will _never _become a real competitive Overwatch player.”

Again, Mark and Jisung gasp. Jeno just looks beyond mortified, embarrassed that Jaemin and Donghyuck continue to have this ongoing rivalry about being his best friend – he’s already told them both they’re all best friends and he hates that they unironically fight about this. Kun looks beyond mortified for Jeno and Renjun. However, Jungwoo and the rest of Mark’s old apartment are trying to stifle their laughter, struggling not to giggle at how ridiculously heated Jaemin and Donghyuck get whenever they argue. 

Chenle just sips a bit too loudly on his Capri Sun as Ten keeps recording.

“Take it back,” Donghyuck says, dangerously quiet and on edge. “Take that back! Right now!”

“_ Make me _,” Jaemin spits out threateningly.

“Oh, you want me to make you? You wanna fucking go there?”

“Hey man, I work out! I have the brains, beauty and_ brawns _ !” Jaemin yells back. “I’m a triple threat, and you’re just a super triple asshole-licker _ loser _!”

“Oh wow, what an insult! What’re you gonna do next, monologue me to death, you fucking triple threat _ theatre kid _!?” Donghyuck fires back menacingly. “I’m so scared!”

Jaemin almost slams his Coca Cola on the table, his hands shaking as his fingers tighten around it with an iron grasp. “Call me a theatre kid_ one _ more time like it’s a bad thing! I fucking dare you!”

“Or what?”

“Or–”

“Or what, you’ll _ make me _?” he spits out the last words mockingly towards Jaemin.

Yukhei laughs loudly. “Bro, is that like an insult in your culture or something?”

“Oh my fucking god,” Chaeyoung giggles, a wide grins spread across her face, hands bunched into her messy hair as her eyes keep flitting back between Jaemin and Renjun, “someone _ please _tell me what episode of Free! I’m watching right now.”

“Free?” Kun repeats confusedly. 

“Wait, that’s an anime reference, right?” Jeno asks with uncertainty. “The one you always talk about, with the figure skater named Yukhei? On ice?”

“Wait, there’s an anime character that has the same name as me?! Bro, what’s it called? That’s so fucking cool,” Yukhei exclaims excitedly.

Yeri almost spits out her water. “Oh my god–”

“Yes it is, Jeno,” Chaeyoung laughs, “it is, in reference to how this room is filled with the unresolved homoerotic sexual–”

“It is _ not _!” they both yell furiously.

“Wait, sexual tension?”Mark says shockedly. “There’s sexual tension?” 

Jeno looks between Jaemin and Donghyuck confusedly. “Wait, Jaemin, do you like–”

“Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me, Jeno!? As if! As _ IF _ !!!” Jaemin gags disgustedly at the notion. “How could you even suggest that as my _ best friend _ , Jeno Lee! Four years of friendship and you still know absolutely _ nothing _about me!”

“Uh, what the hell am I, chopped liver!?” Renjun says exasperatedly.

“I would rather shove a fucking cactus up my ass than even _ be _ in any kind of relationship with _ him _!” Jaemin emphasizes the last word with extra venom as he directs it at Donghyuck.

“Oh good, maybe you can add shoving a cactus up your ass as a talent to your resume!” Donghyuck yells back. “I know it must be hard to be _ that _ talentless, but maybe you could also try sticking your head up your ass – oh wait! It’s already there!”

“Donghyuck Lee, you are the absolute fucking worst–”

“No, you are the fucking worst, don’t go full-naming me Na Jaemin, you fucking goddamn pretentious theatre kid–”

“_ You’re _the one who was supposed to save the directions for the mountain–”

“Oh my god, what mountain was this?” Chaeyoung laughs loudly.

“_ You’re _the one who wanted to get pictures on the mountain you fucking SNAKE!” Donghyuck says the last word with extra shrillness.

“Brokeback Mountain?” Jungwoo suggests between giggles, and Yeri and Chaeyoung lose it as all three of them start cracking up at the table.

“You’re the reason my parents are divorced!”

“You’re the reason Jeno threw out his desk–”

“Oh my god guys, stop, this is so embarrassing!” Jeno yells unconvincingly, embarrassed that they won’t drop this, but they don’t listen. “Can’t you both agree that you’re my–”

“NO!” They scream at him in unison, then both turn back to angrily stare at each other.

“Yes, please continue, let it all out, guys!” Chenle cackles cutely as he sips on his Capri Sun.

“You’re the reason Jeno is scared of loud noises!” Donghyuck starts.

“_ You’re _the reason Jeno can’t eat graham crackers anymore!” Jaemin retaliates.

“Oh yeah? Well at least I’m not the reason Jeno got stuck in an elevator for two hours–”

“Like that’s worse than being the reason Jeno woke up with vomit all over him–”

“Oh please! Like that’s as awful as–”

“WHO DO I VOTE OFF IN MAFIA?!?!” Mark screeches in an ear-shattering high-pitched voice as he rapidly slams both of his hands on the kitchen table seven times.

Chaeyoung, Jungwoo and Yeri can’t stop laughing, meanwhile Chenle and Ten send the videos straight to their social media stories.

“Yeah bro, which one of you is the mafia?” Yukhei grins devilishly as he takes another sip of his red Gatorade.

“You know what, I don't even fucking care anymore, _ I’m _ the mafia!” Jaemin cracks. “Yeah, that’s right! _ I’m _ the mafia and I _ wish _ I had killed _ you _–” he points an angry finger at Donghyuck– “off with Jisung and Chaeyoung the first round instead of Renjun–”

“DUDE!” Jisung yells defensively. “We’re not supposed to tell them we’re mafia!!!”

“Jaemin, you are so heated about this, I can’t even be mad,” Chaeyoung cackles chaotically.

“Oh my fucking god,” Renjun seethes annoyedly as he strongly smacks both Jaemin and Donghyuck on the back of the head, which causes both of them to wince and recoil, “why is it that _ whenever _we have people over you two just always have to fucking act up and EMBARRASS us like this?!”

“He started it!” Jaemin shouts petulantly.

“No I didn’t, _ you’re _the backtalker, not me!” Donghyuck argues back.

Renjun hits them both on the back of the head again.

“We didn’t even have alcohol this game night,” Mark groans, “and even on a sober game night you guys still act like this!”

“It’s the audience, Jaemin loves the attention, secretly,” Ten grins smugly.

“I do not–”

“Oh please, we were all here for Thanksgiving. We know you’re an exhibitionist, Jaemin,” Yeri winks playfully.

“Well I, for one, love game nights at the Dream apartment,” Chaeyoung smiles satisfiedly. “It seems like the entertainment is a package deal!”

“I told you guys that we should’ve played Zimzalabim instead of Mafia,” Jeno groans tiredly.

***

Today is March 4th. Mark just walked in through the apartment door.

“Hey, Hyuck,” Mark smiles tiredly, planting a kiss on his cheek. “How was your day? Are you ready for the weekend? Tomorrow?”

He shouldn’t do this, not when it’s their two-month anniversary tomorrow, and Mark has planned something so incredibly romantic for the first milestone celebration they’ll have in their relationship.

“Actually...we need to talk,” Donghyuck says seriously.

“Oh, sure, about what?” Mark replies curiously, a bit thrown off by the tone of his voice.

“About...about this whole graduation thing,” Donghyuck reluctantly says, and he regrets it immediately when Mark’s shoulders tense and his smile fades.

Mark planned a day at the Huntington, strolling around the gardens and walking around the art galleries. Then, dinner was Italian food in Santa Monica, classy and elegant, seated at the restaurant’s outdoor patio. To end the night, they would get some pastries from Donghyuck’s favorite bakery and snuggle while watching a movie on the couch.

“Okay, sure. What about it?” Mark says.

“I, well...I wanted to tell you, I am looking for work here,” Donghyuck says, “and I’m hoping my internship this semester hires me full-time, so I can stay here until the end of the year, at least.”

“Oh!” Mark exclaims, relieved by the answer. “Well that’s good to hear!”

“But.”

“...But?” Mark repeats.

Donghyuck feels so lucky that Mark loves him so much, and he wishes that were just enough. But the problem is that it’s not just enough – it’s too much, to the point where he feels like he can’t breathe anymore, like he’s drowning under ocean waves.

“But...I’m going to complete my enlistment starting next year, even if I do find work here,” Donghyuck finally says it, because he can’t ignore that feeling in his chest anymore. “So maybe...maybe we should...talk about slowing down. Or, just....I don’t know. Taking a break when we get there?”

“What–what?” Mark says, confused at first. 

Then angry. 

“What...what the hell are you talking about, Hyuck?”

“I just–”

“You just, what, you want to slow down?” Mark says with upset disbelief. “What do you mean, you want to take a break?!”

“Mark–”

“We’ve been in love with each other for the past three years, but we’ve only been dating for two months and suddenly it’s all too _ fast _?!” Mark’s voice starts to grow louder, like a roiling boil, the ferocity in his voice just making Donghyuck regret bringing this up.

“Mark, I just think–”

“What?! What are you thinking now, Donghyuck?!” Mark interjects angrily. “Because you know what I think? I think you’re being unfair–”

“I’m not being unfair,” Donghyuck interrupts him. “Please don’t say that.”

“Don’t say that?” Mark says, the hurt in his voice starting to eat away at Donghyuck’s resolve. “No, I am going to say that! It is unfair! You can’t – you can’t just, just kiss me at the airport before I leave, say you’ve loved me since Vancouver, let me move back in with you and then, and then – you just want to _ slow down _ or _ take a break _?!”

It feels selfish, putting Mark through this, when Mark put in so much time and effort and care to planning their perfect date tomorrow. He wishes he would just let this go, just go on their date instead of screwing up what they have.

But he can’t keep lying to himself and to Mark anymore. He’s not putting them both through that again. Not after last time. He has to be honest.

“Mark, just let me explain, please,” Donghyuck says evenly, trying to steel himself.

“Okay, fine, explain,” Mark retorts, fiery eyes staring back at him. “Explain why you want to slow things down.”

He has to be honest with Mark, and himself.

“I know you said you didn’t want to pressure me, about anything,” Donghyuck starts to explain. “I know you wanted me to make my own decisions, about what I do after graduation. And I know...I know we’ve talked about this before. But...but you saying you’d love me forever, you wanting me to stay, put off my enlistment, that...it puts pressure on me.”

“But I’m–”

“Okay, but the thing is, Mark, even if you say you don’t....it’s just, you unintentionally do,” Donghyuck sighs, and he wishes this pressure, this grating feeling would go away, but it only seizes up in his chest, choking his words, blocking his mind. “You’re putting pressure on me to move fast, be where you are, start a life with you when...when I’m not there yet.”

“That’s not fair,” Mark replies indignantly. “That’s not fair at all, Donghyuck. _ I’m _putting pressure on you? How in the world is–”

“Because you keep acting like you’re not!” he finally snaps, the pressure built up for too long, starting to crackle and cave in on itself. “You keep, you keep treating me like I have your exact same hopes and desires, not that you’re pressuring me to have them for you!”

“That makes absolutely no sense!” Mark fires back. “What, are you saying I’m putting pressure on you to be someone you’re not? Because I’m not! I don’t idealize or romanticize anything about you! About us!”

“Then why can’t you accept that I’ll have to go back? Why are you not okay that I want to do my enlistment next year so I can get it over with? Why are you so scared of losing me that you’re afraid to let me go?” Donghyuck replies succinctly, precisely, brusquely.

Mark feels his entire body freeze.

“I...I’m not,” he says quietly. “I’m not scared.”

But if Mark is being honest with himself, he _ is _scared.

“Yes you are,” Dognhyuck replies adamantly. “You are, and I just...you put pressure on me to stay. You want me to delay enlistment until I turn thirty. And I get it, okay? I do. I know how that feels, to want someone to stay. You know...you know how much I get that,” he struggles to say the last words.

But that’s why Donghyuck’s enlistment terrifies Mark. Because their relationship is so new, so fragile, so delicate. Constantly second-guessing himself, wondering if it’s okay that he said this, if it’s too soon to do that, if something he says or does will scare Donghyuck away, and then he won’t come back when he has to return to Korea.

“But that’s not fair,” Mark replies tersely. “That’s not fair, to expect...to expect me to just be okay with you leaving me for two years after you graduate, and I won’t even know how that would work for us, but it’s okay that you’re unhappy I feel this way.”

“I just don’t want this to get in the way–”

“But it is!” Mark replies, feeling his uncertainty well up in his chest, threatening to spill over. “The whole point was that it _ is _getting in the way! Your enlistment gets in the way, and I don’t want you to enlist because...because–”

“Because you’re scared we won’t last.”

Mark’s hesitation says it all. “No.”

He doesn’t believe Mark. “Really?”

“No, I’m not scared.”

Then why did you just say you wouldn’t be okay with me enlisting?”

“What?” Mark struggles to formulate a response. “Why wouldn’t I be–”

“Because if you trusted me, you wouldn’t be afraid of my enlistment ruining our relationship,” Donghyuck says. “But you are. Because you’re scared that I won’t delay enlistment, that I won’t stay. And I know how that feels, Mark. I know. But I don’t know why you’re scared. Why? Why are you scared?”

“I just…I just don’t want you to leave. That doesn’t...that doesn’t mean I’m scared of you going back to Korea for enlistment.”

“But you knew that would happen,” Donghyuck replies. “You knew that I would have to enlist eventually, even before you told me you loved me.”

“Then if you know how I feel about it, why can’t you delay your enlistment?” Mark argues.

“You know why,” Donghyuck says adamantly. “I already told you I don’t want it looming over my head, and I can’t keep delaying it, once I get my degree. Just because you want me to delay it doesn’t mean I want to delay it.”

“But–”

“Mark, I can’t start building a career for myself until I finish enlisting. I’m not saying it’ll be easy,” Donghyuck says roughly, “because it won’t. It won’t be easy. But no matter how hard it is, I will still love you, and I will do everything I can to make sure we’re okay when I go off for enlistment. Why can’t you believe me when I say that?”

“Because that’s not realistic,” Mark says weakly, the fear starting to crackle underneath. “We’ve never done a long distance relationship before. How can you expect me to be okay with that for two years?”

“So then what’s more realistic? That I just give up my Korean citizenship, my whole identity and heritage, just for you?”

“No, I’m not saying that–”

“Yes, you are saying that–”

“I just, Haechannie–”

“Why are you scared?”

“Hyuck–”

“What are you scared of? I don’t get it!” Donghyuck yells frustratedly. “Why? Why are you scared? Why can’t you trust me–”

“Because I don’t want to lose you!” Mark finally admits, feeling the fear start to crawl up his chest, dig its claws into his skin, sink its teeth into his heart. “Okay? Fine, you’re right, I am scared. I’m scared because...because we’ve only been dating for two months. And then, after you graduate, and you just move to Korea to enlist, then...where does that leave us? Where does that leave me?”

“It still leaves you with me, Mark,” Donghyuck says firmly. “Just because I have to enlist doesn’t mean I’ll forget you, and never return. I love you, Mark. I mean it when I say that and nothing, _ nothing _will come in the way of it. So why do you think you’re going to lose me? Why don’t you believe me when I say that?”

“Because...because I’m scared that you’ll leave too soon before we really, really know we’re in this forever,” Mark sighs. “Before you know you want us to be your future. I know...I know you don’t want to hear that, but...but I do think you’re my future, Donghyuck.”

“But I–”

“I know, okay? I know it scares you. But that’s where I am, okay? I want a future with you. I want to be with you, to love you that close. I’ve had over three years to think about that, and I do, I really do want this forever. But you...you don’t. And that scares me.”

“But just because I don’t want my future decided for me doesn’t mean I don’t want it at all,” Donghyuck says evenly. “That’s what I mean when it’s moving too fast, Mark. Why do you want to move so fast? Why can’t we just slow down, let things take their course?”

The cracks start to creep up the walls, and pierce his heart, and he doesn’t want to cry, he doesn’t want to make Donghyuck feel sad or guilty. He wants to be strong, trust that their love is enough for where they are now.

But it’s not enough.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry but it just...I’m scared that if you enlist, then you’ll... you’ll change your mind about loving me,” and he can’t help it, he starts to feel tears well up in his eyes.

“What?” Donghyuck replies shockedly.

“I know it’s stupid, I know it’s so stupid to be this insecure, when you said you love me, but I just...just, you change your mind so much,” Mark begins to cry, feeling hot tears stream down his face. “Because you changed your mind about me, the first summer in our music class. And I’m glad you did. But you also changed your mind about me, when I was on the U Team.”

“But we–”

“We worked on it, yeah. But then you changed your mind about me when I moved to New York. You changed your mind about loving me, when you started dating Yeji. And then when I moved back, you changed your mind again. And I just...I just...god, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I don’t trust you, I just...I’m scared your enlistment will change how you feel about me. That you’ll stop loving me if you go,” he sobs.

“But...but I just...I would never do that,” Donghyuck says quietly, his voice a wispy crackle. “I would never change my mind about loving you, Mark.”

“But you have,” Mark sniffles, trying to wipe the tears, stop them from falling, feeling ridiculous and oversensitive and stupid. “You have, Donghyuck. And I know it’s dumb, but I just, I don’t want to mess this up,” he chokes out. “I don’t want to mess this up with you, because if I mess up, then you’ll change your mind, and then I lose you. And enlistment messes everything up.”

“Mark.”

Donghyuck hugs him close, rubbing small circles between his shoulder blades, Donghyuck’s head gently resting on the junction between his shoulder and his neck, soothing him from his distraught state.

He starts to feel himself come down, calm down, breathing evening out, and sometimes his voice shudders, his breath hitches, his body aches, but Donghyuck anchors him, washes over him, the push and pull of a gentle ocean wave.

“I’m sorry,” Mark says, inhaling deeply, resting his head on Donghyuck’s, his tears soaking into Donghyuck’s hair. “I’m sorry for being so clingy. I don’t want to put pressure on you. I just...I put this pressure on myself, to make this perfect for you, so that you won’t change your mind when you have to enlist. And...and putting that pressure on myself...it’s putting pressure on you.”

“It’s okay,” Donghyuck says softly. “It’s okay, because I’m not leaving you, and you–”

“No, it’s not,” Mark replies feebly, wiping his tears as he pulls away to look at Donghyuck face to face. “Don’t say that. You can’t stay, because you have to enlist, eventually. And it’s unfair of me to put that pressure on you, but...I just, I don’t want you to change your mind about loving me.”

“But I do love you, Mark,” Donghyuck says gently. “I’m not going to change my mind about you just because I have to go back to enlist. And I know...I know two years is a long time, but I’ll still love you. I’ll still come back, because I love you.”

“But if you love me, then why can’t you say you’ll love me forever, too?” Mark says quietly. “Why don’t you see a future with me?”

“Because...because, like I said, that’s moving too fast,” Donghyuck sighs reluctantly. “I don’t want to move too fast. I like where we are now.”

“And what if I don’t?” Mark replies softly.

Donghyuck’s heart stops beating at the next question.

He already regrets doing this, regrets bringing this up with Mark when he should’ve just avoided talking about this. 

_No,_ _you’re wrong_, he chastises himself harshly. _Don’t say that._ Not talking about stuff two years ago is why he got in that awful fight with Mark in the first place.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Mark,” Donghyuck replies quietly. “What do you want me to say? What do you want me to say that would be–”

“No, please, Hyuck,” Mark says softly, and he can feel his tears soak his hair, like raindrops during a storm, trickling from above the grey clouds. “Please, I don’t...I don’t want you to say what you think I want to hear. Just...I just want you to be honest with me.” 

He releases himself from Donghyuck’s embrace, then looks up at him softly.

“Hyuck...where do you see this going?” Mark says quietly, glassy eyes betraying the fragile state of his own words. “Because I want my future with you. And if you...if you think that’s too soon, that’s moving too fast then...then maybe this is a mistake.”

“What?!” Donghyuck gasps incredulously, disbelief washing over him like soft raindrops growing with greater fervor. “What, this, I – nothing about this is a mistake, Mark. Why would you think this is a mistake?”

“Because...because maybe it’s wrong, being in love with you,” Mark chokes out. “Maybe I was wrong, kissing you back, telling you I love you too...because maybe, maybe I just, I just love you too...too much. Maybe it’s just...maybe that’s why this isn’t working.”

If he’s speechless, it’s because he doesn’t know what to say back.

Because it’s the truth. 

Mark loves too much, because it scares him that Mark wants to love him forever, wants a future with him. Because while everyone else has their future figured out, his has no idea what he’s doing. All his friends know what they want, and he – all he has is blank space.

It’s one thing to know that they are in love and their relationship can grow, like tender sprouts poking up from the fertile earth. It's entirely something else to tell Mark that those sprouts will grow and bloom into the garden of roses that Mark wants.

And he’s not ready to tell Mark that. How the hell is he supposed to tell Mark that he just sees blank space, and that scares him because he has no idea what lies beyond enlistment, let alone graduation?

He doesn’t know where he’ll be, because he doesn’t even know if he wants to move out of their apartment. He doesn’t know who he’ll be, because he has no idea how enlistment will affect his job and career prospects. And he doesn’t know what he’ll be, with Mark, because neither of them have had a long distance relationship, never mind that he doesn’t even know what to say to Mark right now.

Because what is he supposed to say? That Mark is right, that Mark does love him too much? That would absolutely crush Mark, make him blame himself for doing something wrong. 

That Mark isn’t right? That’s a lie, because Mark is right, and he’s not lying to Mark when Mark asked him to be honest, and not being honest is why he’d been left heartbroken on the floor in the first place two years ago.

And then he realizes why this is so hard for Mark.

Because now Mark is the one who’s going to be the one who has to watch him leave and close the door. Now Mark will have to see him go off. And Donghyuck realizes why Mark worries so much about the future – it’s because Donghyuck can’t tell him what the future holds, because all Donghyuck sees is blank space.

Mark is ready to wait for him by the door. But Donghyuck can’t tell him that there’s nothing past that door, because if he opens it, then all that’s there is blank space.

“But if it’s not working then...then we make it work,” Donghyuck says faintly, trying to keep himself calm, trying to keep himself calm for Mark’s sake, because Donghyuck is the one who brought this up, and that’s not fair of him to do without having a solution. “If we really love each other, we’ll make this work. We’ll make long distance work.”

But how can he say that, when he doesn’t know how they’ll make this work? When all he sees is blank space?

“But how? How do we make this work, when this...this isn’t going to work?” Mark cries emotionally, distraughtly, hiccuping between his tears. “How can you say that, when you don’t even know how this is going to work in the future, because you can’t even say you see a future with me?”

He won’t ask Mark to move to Korea, refuses to accept that as an option. Because Spotify is Mark’s dream job, LA has his friends and his home now, and to ask him to leave all of that just for him is selfishly unhealthy, and he doesn’t want Mark to resent him, ever. 

He won’t ask Mark to break up with him, because he loves Mark, and he doesn’t want to lose him. He wants to make this work, no matter what.

Why does he feel so much pressure to make this work when he feels like no matter what he tries, everything comes up as a blank?

“I don’t know, but please, Mark. Please know that there is nothing wrong about us. I love you, and you love me. We love each other. Can that...please, can that be enough, to make this work?” he chokes out hoarsely, trying so hard not to break, not to crack in front of Mark, trying to keep the two of them together. “We can make this work, no matter what.”

But sometimes even good things fall apart.

“I...I…”

Mark hesitates, choked up in his own thoughts.

Is he going to be honest?

Or is he going to be in love?

“No.”

The word hits harder than Donghyuck thought it would, because he had never, ever expected Mark to say no.

“No?” Donghyuck repeats achingly, and it kills Mark, it kills him that Donghyuck sounds so hurt by his answer. But it’s the truth. 

It’s not enough.

“I know...I know you love me, right now,” Mark cries distressingly. “I know you love me, Donghyuck, I do. I know you only say, bring this all up because...because you love me. I know that. Okay? But...but that’s not enough, if you don’t...if you can't tell me you'll keep loving me in the future.”

“But–”

“Donghyuck, I...I know it’s my fault, I know I was the one who waited three years, but...but, god, Donghyuck, I can’t, I c-c-can’t put myself through waiting for you again,” Mark breaks, horrid sobs breaking through him as he feels his body shaking, trembling at the realization of what he wants. “And I-I know that’s selfish, and stupid, stupid, to not want you to enlist, but god, Donghyuck, I’ve waited...I’ve waited so long to love you. And I...I can’t lose you for two years. Especially if, after those two years, you...you still won’t be able to be okay with me loving you forever.”

“But it’s too soon to know–”

“I know,” Mark mumbles fragilely, realizing why this isn’t working. “I know, okay? But I can’t...I can’t...I can’t do long distance if-if you don’t see us having a future.”

Because Donghyuck will enlist, and that’s not up for discussion. He knows Donghyuck isn’t going to give up his citizenship just for him, give up his roots, his entire life in Korea just for him. That’s selfish, and unreasonable, and if Donghyuck asked Mark to do that, Mark would say no too.

Maybe if they had been dating for longer, if they’d been brave enough to love sooner than now, when they were three years younger, things would be different. He would be okay with Donghyuck having to graduate, and going away for two years, because he would know that their relationship was for the long term. That it would last forever.

But they’ve only been dating for two months, and Mark hates that he was too cowardly to love Donghyuck until two months ago, too scared to love like he does now. And he hates that he loves Donghyuck so much. That he’s so scared of losing Donghyuck, that he can’t trust himself to be enough for Donghyuck to still love him, for Donghyuck to not change his mind.

“God, I’m s-s-such an idiot,” Mark cries with self-loathing hate, wiping his tears away as more fall down. “I should’ve ne-never fallen in love, if I knew it was going to b-be like this.”

And it kills Donghyuck, it kills Donghyuck to see him just beat himself up because he feels like he’s not good enough. Because he is good enough, more than good enough. And just because Donghyuck isn’t ready for forever doesn’t mean he’s not good enough for him at all.

“You’re not an idiot, Mark,” Donghyuck cracks as he starts to feel himself strain under the pressure, start to feel emotions suppressed rebel against him, pushing their way up and fighting against him, straining his voice. “It’s better that we...that we talked about this now, than not at all. Okay? Because now we know...now we know why I can’t tell you forever.”

“But why? Why can’t you be in the same place as me?” Mark keeps wiping his eyes, trying to calm himself down. “Why aren’t we in the same place, forever?”

“Because you know what you want, and I...I don’t,” Donghyuck finally admits, trying so hard not to crack, because he’s scared. He’s scared that everyone else knows what they want, and he doesn’t.

“But don’t you want us–”

“Yeah, I do want you, I want us, because I love you, okay?” Donghyuck says with a heavy heart, tears welling up in his eyes. “I love you, don’t ever tell yourself I don’t. I know that I want...I want to be with you.”

“Then why? Why can’t you tell me forever?”

“Because...because I…I don’t know.”

“What do you mean–”

“I mean that I don’t know, okay? I don’t know what I want. I can’t tell you I’ll love you forever, that I see a future with you, because I don’t...I don’t even know what I see in my future.”

“But you have–”

“My internship? Yeah, I do. And I hope it becomes a full-time job. But it’s not guaranteed, and if it doesn’t then I don’t...I don’t know what happens after that, Mark. I don’t know what happens...what happens after I graduate besides enlistment. You? You knew. That’s why you graduated early. I don’t. I have...I have no idea what happens after graduation, after enlistment.”

“But...wh-when will you know?” Mark asks feebly. “If you knew then...then maybe you could know if–”

“I don’t know, Mark,” Donghyuck whispers sadly, wiping the tears away from his eyes. “That’s the whole point. I’m trying to figure my life out, and I don't know how. I’m trying to figure out how we would work long distance, when I have to enlist in the future. But I can’t, because I have no fucking idea what I even want to do in the future. How can I tell you what what I want for us when I don’t even know what I want for myself?”

“But you can figure it out if–”

“But that’s the thing, Mark, you...you pressuring me to figure it out, and give you an answer...it’s making it harder for me to feel like I can...like I can actually figure this all out, let alone figure out how we’d do long distance.”

“Then where does that leave us?” Mark whispers weakly. “Where...where are we going?”

“I...I don’t know,” Donghyuck replies honestly. “I’m sorry, Mark, I’m sorry I can’t tell you but...I...I can’t, because I don’t know where this is going.”

Then, they hear the front door unlock and open.

***

“Hey, so, I know you probably don’t want to talk about this but...is there a reason you’re avoiding Mark today?” Renjun asks.

“What do you mean?” Donghyuck replies casually. “I love this coffee shop, why would I not want to get coffee here with you, when this is our little secret?”

Donghyuck appreciates this particular coffee shop for many reasons. For one, the Secret Garden coffee shop exists as an oasis in the middle of a noisy, busy section of the city, on the corner of a quiet residential street. For another, there’s an outdoor seating area in the back, with brick walls and a picket fence delineating a trail which leads to the small public neighborhood herb garden.

“That’d be more believable if I _ didn’t _know that your two-month anniversary was today,” Renjun says neutrally, “and that Mark planned a whole day for you guys at the Huntington and Santa Monica today.”

“Oh.” Right. He forgot that Renjun knew about that, like how he knows everything.

In fact, the best part of the Secret Garden coffee shop is that only Renjun and Donghyuck know about it – after they’d tried going to a hip, trendy minimalist aesthetic coffee shop downtown, they got lost and ended up somehow finding this little gem that seemed to be a well-kept neighborhood secret. And it’s a place where they can keep secrets.

“I’m not avoiding him, I just...plans fell through, you know?” 

“Then I’m guessing there’s a reason your plans fell through, right?” Renjun says sagaciously as the two of them work together in their secret place. “And that’s why you’re here with me? So you can talk about it?”

And as Donghyuck sips on his coffee in the outdoor patio, just the two of them out here with the potted plants lining the brick walls and their sandwiches and coffees set on top of the wooden table, he knows that what they talk about here doesn’t leave the brick walls of the Secret Garden.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck breathes cautiously, the aftertaste of his mocha still dancing on his tongue. “Did Mark say anything to you about it, or...?”

“No, but I could tell when I got home last night, you guys had this whole weird tension between you,” Renjun says admonishingly. “You didn’t even bother talking to each other until I reminded you both that no one else in the apartment knows but me. Seriously, you guys are lucky I was the first one home, and not Jaemin or Jeno. You need to be more careful if you still want to keep your relationship a secret.”

“Thank you for that,” Donghyuck sighs with gratitude and relief. “Thanks for keeping it under wraps, not telling them all this time. Although you might not have anything to tell them anymore. Not after...after what happened.”

“Why? What happened?” Renjun says concernedly. “I know you wanted to come here to study and work on some stuff, but I also know yesterday morning Mark was telling me about how excited he was that you two were going to go out for your second month anniversary. And when I come home last night, you both looked like you’d been crying. So why are you spending it with me instead of Mark? What happened between you guys yesterday?”

“Because...we got into a serious argument,” Donghyuck sighs reluctantly, because this is painful to talk about, but when did he think it wouldn’t be? “We basically had an argument about...about what I was going to do after I graduated.”

“Oh...is it the enlistment thing?” Renjun asks. “Yeah, that definitely does suck.”

“Wait, how’d you know?”

“I was talking with Jeno a couple of weeks ago, he mentioned you brought it up with him, and he told you he’s getting his Masters first before he enlists,” Renjun replies. “And how you were supportive, but he thought you were a bit disappointed.”

“I wasn’t disappointed in him,” Donghyuck frowns slightly. “I’m disappointed in myself.”

“Why are you disappointed in yourself?” Renjun asks.

“Because talking to Jeno...it just made me realize I don’t know what I want for my future,” Donghyuck says softly. “It made me realize that besides Mark, all I see after graduation is...well, nothing. I mean, I’ve applied to a couple of jobs but I haven’t heard back, and I have my internship, but that’s not guaranteed.”

“And they haven’t indicated or made any hints that they want to hire you after you graduate with your bachelors?”

“No,” Donghyuck says glumly. “And I mean, I could still hope, but it’s already March, Renjun. They would’ve said something, wouldn’t they?”

“I mean, sure, generally this is the time you’d hear about that,” Renjun agrees. “But you shouldn’t give up hope on that yet. I mean yeah, still keep applying to jobs, but you never know.”

“That’s the whole problem, Injunnie. I don’t know. And even if I did know, then after that, I still have to go back to Korea and get my enlistment over and done with. I don’t want it looming over my head.”

“But you already knew that, so why is that a problem?

“Because it’s not a problem for me...it’s a problem for Mark.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, shit. I get it. Long distance. Fuck,” Renjun says quietly, “I didn’t even think about that, when you guys got together. I totally didn’t even think about how that would affect your relationship for...two years, right?”

“Yeah, two years.”

“Fuck, I didn’t realize he would have to wait for you for that long.”

“Neither did I. I just...I told him I loved him, without thinking about the consequences of that,” Donghyuck says sadly. “And now I’m...I’m facing the consequences of that, and so is he, and that...that’s not fair to him.”

“Is that...is that what you guys fought about?” Renjun asks hesitantly.

“Yeah, it was...it wasn’t bad, but it definitely didn’t go well. I asked him if loving him was enough, before I have to leave for enlistment by the end of the year, and…”

“And?”

“...And he said no.”

“He said _ no _?”

“Yeah.”

Renjun looks back at him with a hardened, apprehensive gaze. “If he’s fucking with your feelings again, I swear I’m going to kick his ass–”

“No, no, no,” Donghyuck interrupts him hastily, “this isn’t his fault at all. This is all on me. I just...he told me that he wanted to love me forever again. And I told him why that’s not something I can commit to, because I don’t know what my future is yet, after enlistment. But...the problem is that he already knows what he wants, and he wants a future together.”

“Oh...ohhhh. I get it,” Renjun says sympathetically, understanding why this is so hard for Donghyuck to deal with and process. “I get it now.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he nods his head as he takes another sip of his coffee. “I get it, Hyuck. It’s a mismatch in timing, in what you guys want, and where you guys are, in your lives. I mean...this is the exact same reason why you broke up with Yeji, no? Mismatch in timing?”

“It is,” Donghyuck exhales warily, very aware of how much he’s slouching right now, so he tries to stand up straight, improve his posture, because he doesn’t want this to weigh down on him. “I broke up with her because she wanted to move in together for this semester, and I didn’t. And that’s why it fell apart.”

“So, do you think that....that will happen? With Mark?”

“I don’t know,” Donghyuck sighs. “I don’t know, maybe...maybe that’s for the best. We did jump into this without, well, thinking about what happens after. I didn’t even consider that this would end up having to be a long distance relationship.”

“But I mean, it’s better you guys talk about this now, right?” Renjun replies. “Just because you haven’t worked it out yet doesn’t mean it won’t work out. This isn’t, like, a dealbreaker for you, is it?”

“No, it’s not, but for Mark, I think...I think it is,” Donghyuck says quietly. “I think this might be why he said loving me, it was wrong. Because...fuck, I didn’t want to tell him this, but you know what he said, when I asked him why he felt like this was a mistake? Because he said he loved me too much. And it’s true. He does.”

“But why is that a bad–”

“Because he thinks that because I’m enlisting without knowing where this is going, he’s pushing me away,” Donghyuck says, a pang of heartbreak blooming in his chest. “And he thinks he’s pushing me away because he loves me too much, because he’s not good enough for me to stay.”

“But...but that’s not true?” Renjun says incredulously, a bit upset. “Why the hell would either of you believe that, Hyuck? You love him just as much as–”

“No, but that’s the point, Injunnie. The point is I want to, I want to be where he is, but I can’t be there, love as much as he does, because I don’t even know where my future is headed,” Donghyuck replies fearfully, tearfully. “I told him, I told him that I love him, and I’m not changing my mind on that. But I don’t know what the future holds...and since I don’t know what my future is, he thinks I’ll change my mind about loving him, when I enlist. And that’s why he’s right to be scared, when he says he loves me too much. Because it is putting pressure on me. And even with that pressure, of knowing he’ll love me forever, I...I still can’t tell him that I’m going to be where he is, forever.”

“Oh...so he is, in a sense, pushing you away, with the pressure. For you to love him as much as he loves you.”

“I...yeah. And I wish I didn’t feel that way but...but that is how I feel. I feel like I have to choose between loving him or my wanting my future, and, well...I don’t want to have to choose, because I want to have both.”

“Hmm.”

Renjun takes an anticipatory sip of his coffee, glancing between the beverage and Donghyuck, deep in thought. It’s a tense silence, and he can feel Renjun carefully measuring out what to say to him.

Here in the garden, counting the seconds, wondering if this is right, Renjun sits across from him, their coffee gone lukewarm, their sandwiches at room temperature, the conversation held together by a key stone. And he waits, because he knows that Renjun will be honest with him, more honest than he can be with himself. 

Because Jaemin is honest in his brotherly subjections, Jeno is honest in his tender affections, Chenle is honest in his cheerful objections, Jisung is honest in his blunt deflections, and Mark is honest in all his heartstring’s connections. But Renjun is most honest in his own reflections.

So will he say that their love is worth it, that they can make this work, that they can figure it all out so that their love sees the next day? Or will he say that they’re going to crash, that the key stone will fall, this is the end, their love crumbles to ash, and slowly they’ll both drift away?

“Well, I’m glad you talked to me about this,” Renjun says. “Because you do have some very valid points. And Mark definitely is fair for feeling how he does.”

“I know.”

“This...well, to state the obvious, this is really fucking complicated. Seriously, really complicated. Fuck. I just wish you didn’t have to enlist.”

“But that’s not how this works, Injunnie.”

“I know,” Renjun says. “In a perfect world, you get to stay, or you meet Mark after your enlistment and then you fall in love, or you already had established you guys are long-term, forever, whatever word you want to use for it. But it’s not a perfect world.”

“I know,” Donghyuck says exhaustedly. “I know, and I wish I didn’t have to leave to enlist either, because I know how that feels, Renjun. I know what it feels like to tell someone you want them to stay, but they leave anyways.”

“Well, then...you should know that this is the end of this.”

His heart seizes up in his chest.

“I...okay, I can accept that, I guess,” Donghyuck breathes heavily, ready to accept that Renjun will conclude that he needs to end things with Mark, spare both of them the pain and heartbreak to come, spare themselves the sorrow of inevitably falling apart.

“Good. Because now we can start working together to make sure this is the end of your relationship woes,” Renjun groans exhaustedly. “For now, I guess. There’s no telling with you two.”

Hearing those words, Donghyuck’s mind goes back to blank space.

“Sorry, what?” he replies shockedly.

“God, I thought I’d seen the last of the turbulence in your relationship once you kissed at the airport,” Renjun says jokingly. “But I guess it’s never really over, huh. It’s always a ride on Mark and Donghyuck Airlines.”

“What?”

“Seriously, I don’t know why I help you sometimes, at this point I put more work into helping you with your relationship than finding a manic pixie girl for me,” Renjun smiles humorously.

“Wait, what are you saying?” Donghyuck replies confusedly.

“That this, this is the end of you two having to keep suffering for each other’s love,” Renjun sighs tiredly, rubbing his temples, but there’s a small smile on his face. “Thank fucking god you talked to me about this, otherwise who knows how badly you two would’ve screwed up.”

“What?”

“When I told Jaemin that I was trying to avoid Mark versus Hyuck round two, I didn’t think you guys were actually going to get into a fight about your relationship.” He takes another sip of his coffee. “Guess I’m more observant than I give myself credit for.”

“But it’s not that bad of a fight–”

“No, it’s not, but if this went any further, it might have been like that,” Renjun says admonishingly. “I mean, look, I love you guys. I do. But clearly, you’re both new to this, and you both need like, a shit-ton of help from your friends with mediating everything. Because it’s simple, really, how you fix this.”

“It is?”

“Yeah. All you have to do is tell him you’ll love him forever.”

“What? But I just told you I can’t?” Donghyuck repeats confusedly. “I have to enlist by the end of the year, Renjun. That’s not up for discussion. I’m required by law, and I can’t keep deferring it for a degree if I’ve graduated by then. And I’m not giving up my citizenship.”

“Well duh, I know_ that _. But that doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your relationship so soon, that it’s the end of the line,” Renjun says firmly. “This is, however, the end to both yours and Mark’s misery, because I believe in you two.”

“What?”

“Because I believe in you two,” he repeats again. “I believe that you two are meant for each other, okay? How many people are lucky enough to say they fell in love with their best friend? And that their best friend loved them back? Not a lot. But you? You and Mark are the lucky ones.”

“You...you believe in us, being in love?” Donghyuck stammers shockedly.

“Yeah, I do,” Renjun says adamantly. “And I believe that you two can make this work. And no matter what, I’m both yours and Mark’s best friend. So, since I’m one of your best friends, I’m going to help you guys work through this.”

And that’s why this is just his and Renjun’s coffee shop, their secret study spot for mildly fragrant coffees and personal conversations, in the coffee shop’s rose garden filled with thorns.

“So then...how do we work through this?” Donghyuck asks nervously, anxiously, but for the first time today, hopefully. “What should I do?”

“Well first, I think you should get me another drink, because I’m about to drink the rest of yours,” Renjun replies as he takes Donghyuck’s cup from across the table and immediately sips the rest of it down. “Wow, I really needed that caffeine intake after hearing all of this.”

“Hey! Come on, Injunnie. I’m being serious here.”

“And so am I,” Renjun replies. “Because one, we’re gonna be here for another hour or two working this out, so the least we can do is buy another drink. And two, we’re going to be working out the plan.”

“The plan for what?”

“The plan,” Renjun says with a warm smile, “for you to prove to your main slice of man, Mister Mark ‘is this Canada calling?’ Lee, that you’re not going to change your mind about him. Even if you don’t know what your future holds.”

“But I don’t want to tell him–”

“Forever? Yeah, I got that,” Renjun replies knowingly. “You don’t want to commit to forever because that’s scary, because you don’t know if you can do that, not with your enlistment in the way. I get it. And I’m not going to force you to believe or do something you don’t want. But let me ask you something,” he folds his arms, leaning back into his chair slightly. “Do you believe that you love Mark?”

“Yes,” he answers without hesitation. “You of all people should know that.”

“And do you believe that you’ve loved Mark, all this time, ever since Vancouver?”

“Yes.”

“And you still love him?”

“Yes, I love him.”

“And would you ever change your mind about Mark?”

“No,” Donghyuck shakes his head. “I love him, Injunnie. I wouldn’t still be fighting...hoping for us to make this work, if I knew I would never change my mind about him.”

“Well then, did you ever _ really _change your mind about loving him, or did you just change your mind about whether or not you could tell him that you loved him?”

“Where are you going with all of this?” Donghyuck says confusedly.

Renjun only grins widely. “You’ll see, in the _ future _ . And eventually you’ll stay, _ forever _.”

Anxiety creeps up in his chest. “But I already told you that I can’t, because enlistment–”

“Oh, I know,” Renjun says with a clever ring to his voice, a conspiratorial coyness to his words. “But you’ll see what I mean. Because fuck the system, man. We’re gonna get you two through this, and just because Korea wants to enlist my best friend for two years doesn’t mean I can’t enlist the help of two friends from Korea.”

***

Mark feels absolutely worthless when he wakes up two days later.

Instead of celebrating their two month anniversary yesterday, spending the day being in love with Donghyuck, he spent it lying in his bed, crying the entire day, feeling so alone. He didn’t leave his apartment, he felt like absolute shit, he barely left his and Donghyuck’s room, and he didn’t even wish Yeri a happy birthday like he promised, because he was missing her party for the date he had planned with Donghyuck.

Renjun had texted him that he and Donghyuck had gone to a cafe to study for classes, but he knows Donghyuck was just using Renjun to avoid him, after their conversation about enlistment had ended poorly. But Mark can’t go anywhere, can’t even feel like leaving his apartment because he feels like absolute crap, feels so alone and worthless.

If he didn’t love Donghyuck so much, he would be okay with things ending here, letting Donghyuck go so he can enlist and return to his life in Korea. If he didn’t love Hyuck so much, he would be okay moving on, and continuing with his life and learning to love someone else. If he didn’t love his Haechannie so goddamn much, he would just let him go, let this be the end, let it be his biggest mistake.

But he can’t let go. He can’t, not when he loves Donghyuck more than anything he’s ever known, when love like this is so rare, and it’s there, and he remembers the first spark of it when they shared In-N-Out, and he loves that feeling, loves it all too well.

His entire body aches as he moves and tosses in his bed, plagued with grief and heartache. He checks Donghyuck’s bed – he’s not there. He’d fallen asleep waiting for Donghyuck to get home, and he’d woken up too late to catch Donghyuck. 

He needs to talk to Donghyuck. But Donghyuck is avoiding him, trying to spare his feelings, avoid the inevitable of breaking up with him. Scared of breaking Mark.

But maybe...maybe Mark wants Donghyuck to break him. Wants Donghyuck to break him like a promise, so casually cruel, just for the sake of being honest. Being honest about how this ends – with Mark wanting a future, and Donghyuck only seeing a blank space. Maybe Mark wants Donghyuck to break up with him, _ break _ him, so he knows from Donghyuck himself that this is the end, that there is no future, that his love is all for nothing. That his love was a mistake. That it’s a mistake, and he’s broken.

Because Mark is too cowardly to do it. Too cowardly to be the one to end things. Too cowardly to admit that he’s broken. That he wants Donghyuck to break him, because he’s too cowardly to do it himself.

_ Because that’s the real world, isn’t it? _ Mark thinks bitterly to himself. You love someone, and they love you, but fate has other plans, and instead of love, you both just end up just getting hurt in the end.

Because the real world isn’t an In-N-Out booth on a summer night, a couch in Vancouver with cozy blankets and peppermint hot chocolate, a practice room with a love story and rosy guitar string scars.

The real world is that he made a mistake, falling too much in love with his best friend.

Mark crumples up further into himself, receding into his blankets, feels hot, useless tears start to well up in his eyes as he fails to blink them away.

He’s failed. Once again, he’s failed to be brave, instead choosing to be a coward. Too cowardly to face the real world. The real world that is Donghyuck enlisting, that is a long distance relationship between them failing, that is their love breaking–

His phone goes off.

He scrambles to reach it, hoping it’s Donghyuck, and then–

It’s Yeri calling.

He sighs, sending it straight to voicemail, sees that there’s four more missed calls from her before he had woken up, and then furls up back in his blankets, wanting to fall asleep to be free of the pain that plagues him.

Suddenly the bedroom door swings wide open.

“Don’t be fucking_ rude _!” Yeri says as she rips the blankets off of him and starts hitting him with one of his pillows.

“Wh–what the hell?!” Mark shouts incredulously, putting his hands up to stop her from whacking him. 

“Are you kidding me?!” Yeri says with immense displeasure as she throws another pillow at him. “At least pick up when I call you, bitch!”

“What the hell are you doing here, Yeri? How the hell did you get inside the apartment?!”

“Renjun gave me his key this morning,” Yeri says unimpressed. “First you don’t show up to my birthday party, then you don’t even let us in, then you sleep through my phone calls, and now when you’re awake you don’t even answer my calls? Fucking rude ass bitch, that’s what you are.”

“How did you–”

“You sent me straight to voicemail, that’s how I knew you were awake, Loser Lee.”

“What the– you know what...I don’t even care anymore. Just leave me alone, Yeri,” Mark says annoyedly as he tries to cover himself back up in blankets.

“Yo, don’t be a sour puss, Mark!”

Mark looks up and sees–

“Yukhei?!”

“Sup, dude!” Yukhei clamors into the room as he jumps on top of Mark and body-hugs him, and then lifts him out of bed like he’s a light weight (to be fair, he is a lightweight).

“HEY! Put me down, Yukhei!” Mark say indignantly in protest.

“Dude–”

“Put me down!” Mark yells again, feels anger welling up in him this time. 

“Dude, we’re just trying to help cheer you up–”

“PUT ME DOWN!”

Yukhei puts him down.

He curls back up and covers himself with blankets. “Just leave me alone.”

“Uh, no–”

“Leave me alone!” he shouts painedly, feeling hot tears welling up in his eyes again. He doesn’t want to see them to see him like this. He doesn’t want them to see him, not when he feels so distraught, feels the lowest he’s ever felt. “Please.”

“No. We’re staying, why don’t you get that, Mark?” Yeri says annoyedly.

He feels anger welling up inside him, and it’s unfair to lash out on his friends, but he doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t care, not after Donghyuck said he couldn’t tell him he also sees them having a future together.

“Why the hell I don’t get that? What the hell do _ you _not get?! I said leave me alone!” he shouts as he throws the blankets off the bed, and he feels so ashamed, so angry, so devastated that his friends see him like this, are seeing him with red eyes, tear-streaked cheeks, disheveled hair, a broken heart. An anger like he’s never felt before. But he doesn’t care, because none of that matters anymore.

“No. We’re not leaving you alone.”

“I said to leave me alone, so go! Get, get out! You have no idea wh-why–”

“Yes, we do,” Yeri says plainly. “We know.”

“No, you-you don’t–”

“We do.”

“No you don’t! You don’t know_ anything _, you have no fucking idea what I–”

“Yes we do, Mark,” Yeri says patiently. “And that’s why we’re here. So no, we’re not leaving you the fuck alone. Because Renjun told us about what happened with Donghyuck.”

_ Donghyuck. _

Just the name pulls at Mark’s heartstrings, pulls at the tender love, the undying, unyielding affection he still has for Donghyuck. It’s barely fleeting, only exists before it’s yanked out of him as he comes back down, but it stops the anger. It stops the devastation. 

“What?” he gasps hoarsely.

“We know, Mark,” Yeri says seriously, sitting down on the bed next to him, holding his arms firmly. “We know what happened, about your fight. Renjun told us. And we’re here for you, okay?”

“Bro,” Yukhei smiles widely, an endearing expression on his face like that of a Golden Retriever, sitting down on the other side of Mark. “We know that you and Donghyuck got in a fight about his enlistment. Donghyuck told Renjun what happened. That’s why we’re here, dude. We follow you and Donghyuck around airports now to make sure you guys are okay, remember? And yeah, you’re really not okay. So now we’re here.”

“But why–”

“Mark, we’re not reenacting that conversation about friendship we had two years ago, okay?” Yeri says firmly. “Don’t tell me you forgot about it already.”

“But I don’t–”

“You know why we’re here for you. So just drop it, okay? We’re here. It’s okay to talk about the hard stuff, remember?” she finishes gently.

The tears streaming down his face aren’t forming from anger anymore. They form from sadness, from bittersweet relief that his friends still love him, and form from disappointment at himself, disappointed that he lashed out on them, refused to be strong enough to control his anger, because he’s so angry that he can’t even find it in him to love himself.

“I...I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just–”

“It’s okay, Mark.”

“No it’s n-not, I’m sorry, I’m s-s-sorry, I didn’t want you guys to see me like this, I c-can’t–”

“It’s okay, dude,” Yukhei says softly as he embraces all three of them with so much kindness, Yeri rubbing soft circles on his back, and it’s so warm that Mark feels his resolve melt, feels his anger dissipate, feels himself break down in his friend’s arms.

“It’s okay,” Yeri whispers tenderly, patiently, lovingly. Humming softly as Mark hiccups and cries, and cries, and cries as they hold him and his heart together. “It’s okay, Mark. We’re here for you, even on your worst days, because you’re not an awful friend. You’re still our best friend, and we still love you.”

And so, his friends light the way to guide him back home.

***

Donghyuck sits absentmindedly in the library, lost in his own thoughts instead of working on his paper for Professor Park’s seminar, and how she made him and Mark project partners, and somehow it really all comes back to that first summer.

He started his first summer in LA with her to begin the first of his requirements for the major, and now he’s ending his last semester with her for the last class he needs to graduate with his degree in Music, alongside his degree in Economics. It’s full-circle, how he started summer school knowing no one except Taeil, Kun, and that one biker boy who spilled coffee on him the first day. And now he’s finishing college knowing what love is, knowing his best friends in life, and knowing that he’s in undeniably in love with that one biker boy who spilled coffee on his t-shirt that summer day.

He snaps out of it, continues typing away on his laptop in the library, working on the second edited draft of his essay that’s due tonight. He needs to get this done, before he can do anything else tonight. Before he sees Mark again. Because yes, he loves Mark, but he also needs to make sure not to piss off Professor Park by turning this assignment in late, even if she is very forgiving of her students.

_ We were both young when I first saw you... _

Love Story by Taylor Swift comes on shuffle. Again as he continues trying to formulate his thoughts (on how global capitalism and broadcast media effectively revolutionized how music was consumed during the 90s with the rise of MTV and the Internet), he can’t help but feel like this is all coming full circle. He started to know Mark after singing him a song about a love story. 

And now, later tonight, with the help of Renjun, he’s going to be dancing to a song about how much he truly loves Mark.

After getting on his fourth page and finishing his ninth paragraph, Donghyuck checks his phone. 5:03 PM. He has about two more hours before he has to go back home, and until 11:59 PM to turn in his second draft. Four and a half pages down, one and a half more to go. There’s a message from Renjun. 

**Fantastic Mr. Fox**

_ Getting dinner with Jen and Jaem later around 7:00. Jisung over at Chenle’s. Help is on the way. Apartment is all yours. _

Donghyuck smiles. 

He used to hate how Renjun somehow knew everything. Now, he’s grateful that Renjun knows him so well.

**Donghyuck**

_ Dude ilysm _

**Fantastic Mr. Fox**

_ Don’t tell me. Tell Mark. You know what to do. _

He does.

Donghyuck turns his phone back over, determined to crank out the rest of this essay by 6:45 PM so he has enough time to get back home before.

***

“I just...I shouldn’t have said it wasn’t enough,” Mark says regretfully as he lies on Yeri’s lap and stares off, her hands stroking his hair softly as he talks to Yukhei, who’s sitting to her right. “I shouldn’t have said that his love wasn’t enough.”

They’re back at his old apartment, after Yukhei and Yeri let Mark cry in their arms for ten minutes straight, comforted him for an hour, and then gotten him out of the Dream apartment to get some of his favorite pasta to help put him in a better mood. Now they’re here in their old apartment, bellies full of carbonara, in Yeri’s bedroom, her and Yukhei listening to him talk about what happened with Donghyuck.

“Why did you say it then, dude?” Yukhei asks him inquisitively. Not to probe, not to snoop, not to judge, just to learn. To understand Mark better.

“I guess it was because...I’m scared about us. About us not lasting when he has to enlist, and we have to do long distance,” Mark sighs into Yeri’s lap, feels the water in his chest rising higher and higher as the current gets stronger. “I wish I could have handled it better, you guys. I wish I could say I’m not scared about us breaking up when that happens. But...but I am.”

“Because he couldn’t tell you that his future is with you,” Yeri says understandingly.

“Yeah,” Mark says quietly.

“Shit, bro, that’s...deep,” Yukhei says with empathetic appreciation. “I mean, I know you’re in like, deep, deep love with him, but...damn.”

“I gotta agree with Xuxi,” Yeri says. “That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone, Mark.”

“That’s what he said,” Mark replies feebly, the ocean completely flat, the sea starting to swallow him whole.

Yeri only hums in agreement. “I mean, think of it this way. We’re still here, we’re all still friends, even though we didn’t know that four years ago. Because we’re just naturally close and want to be close, you know? We didn’t force or pressure ourselves to stay friends with each other.”

“Yeah, it’s not like you guys forced me to be your friends,” Yukhei replies. “Like, I know you shit on me and Lippie for becoming srat stars–”

“Okay, again, I am begging you, please stop referring to yourself as a srat star,” Yeri interrupts blandly. 

“_ Former _ srat star, but anyways what I mean is like, the guys in my frat were my bros because I felt like we had to be, you know? I mean besides...well no one, actually. I’m still friends with some of them, but I still don’t feel as close to any of them as I do with you guys. You guys are like...my _ bro _ bros.”

“Aw, did you hear that, Mark? We’re _ bro _bros,” Yeri says teasingly, and the three of them laugh at how ridiculous it sounds.

“No but like, what I’m saying is, I never feel like I’m being pressured to be your friend, yeah? We just are, because, well, we vibe,” Yukhei concludes. “No one’s all like, ‘yo, Yukhei, hang out with these bros, either way you’re gonna get hazed’, or something.”

“So are you finally admitting that the Greek system is useless and there is nothing to be gained from it?” Yeri says wittily. “Because me, Chaeyoung and Jungwoo have been telling you that ever since freshman year now.”

“Hey, whoa! I’m not shitting on Greek life. I still had fun, man. That shit was lit as fuck. And people _ do _ get close obviously, look at Lippie, she has that whole Loona squad or whatever from rushing ADPi,” Yukhei says. “I just had a different experience making friends, but it just wasn’t my vibe, yeah? I’d still tell any dude to rush a frat. It’d be my quid pro _ bro _to them.”

Mark grimaces hearing the expression out loud. “_ Quid pro bro _? Really? That sounds even worse than a ring bro at a wedding.”

“Not as bad as a wedding _ bro _posal,” Yukhei grins with a hint of self-awareness and self-deprecation, and Mark can’t help it, he laughs.

“So what is _ quid pro bro _ even supposed to mean?” he asks curiously. “Are you gonna explain?”

“Like, advice, but for your bro,” Yukhei explains. “I remember learning about it in a poli sci class, or something? I think it means, I dunno, giving somebody advice? So like, quid pro _ bro _, advice for your bro. Ya know?”

“Tell me how you have a job, again?”

“Hey, man, you got me,” Yukhei says. “Half the time I just play PUBG in my cubicle whenever my boss is out of the office.”

“You only got that job because you’re so handsome that it’s unfair, babe,” Yeri chides him playfully. “But let’s bring this back to Mark, okay? Come on, _ bro _ , I thought you were ready to give Mark some _ quid pro bro _advice.”

“Oh yeah, back to the topic – about you, my bro,” Yukhei says to Mark. “Basically, the quid pro bro here is that you can’t pressure people to be closer. And I know, it’s different when you’re in a relationship, yeah? But you can’t force him to see a future if he doesn’t see the future that you want.”

“But then...then what’s the point?” Mark sighs, feels waves sweep over him, and he doesn’t resist as they wash over him as he slowly starts to sink down to below. “What’s the point, if there is no future at all? I was okay with not knowing what that future is, as long as it was with him. But I don’t...I don’t know if I can do this, if there’s not going to be any future at all.”

“But isn’t there a difference between knowing what’s the future and knowing what’s forever?” Yeri says gently.

The water starts to lighten, it’s no longer deep shades of dark, indiscernible blue. 

It lightens, translucent and turquoise, and he starts to feel the pressure decrease as he swims closer and closer to the surface.

“What do you mean?” Mark says with waves of uncertainty. “Isn’t...isn’t the future the same thing as forever?”

“No, not necessarily,” Yeri says. “Do you know what the difference is?”

“Well...no, I guess not.”

“Would you like me to explain it?”

“Please.”

“Okay, well, to use myself as an example,” Yeri explains, “when I was younger, I thought in my future, I would become a famous singer. But now, as I’m older, I know that I’ll love singing forever. See the difference?”

“The difference is...your childhood dreams didn’t turn out the way you thought they would?” Mark replies confusedly. “So...you just changed your mind?”

“You’re on the right track,” Yeri says. “Wanting the future means you have a dream, but that doesn’t mean it will come true. Because the future can change. And I changed my mind about wanting to become a singer. But forever? Forever means you have many dreams, but you know which ones came true.”

“But...then which dreams came true?” Mark asks.

“The one about loving singing,” Yeri replies. “I mean, when I was younger, because I loved singing, I wanted to be a famous singer. But now, working in music publications, I know that I still love singing, it’s just not what I want for my future anymore.”

“So...so the future changes, but forever doesn’t?”

“Isn’t that what forever implies?” Yeri says cheekily. “Forever means it’s forever lasting, yeah? So, all you have to ask yourself is this. Instead of asking if you can see a future with Donghyuck, can you see yourself loving him forever?”

“Yes,” Mark says without hesitation. “Yes, god, Yeri, I...I love him so much. And that’s why...that’s why I want forever. I love him that much, enough to know I will never stop loving him.”

“So then why don’t you just ask Donghyuck that?” Yeri replies. “Instead of asking him if he wants a future with you, or if he wants forever, just ask him if he’ll ever stop loving you. Because I think both you and I know what he would say.”

He propels himself above the surface, the blue he sees now a sky full of burning red streaks of dawn, and after drowning for so long, he finally feels the warmth of daylight.

“It can’t just be that simple though,” Mark says. “It can’t be, because…well...can it?”

“It can be,” Yeri says warmly. “It really can be as simple as that.”

“So I just have to ask him...if he’ll ever stop loving me?”

“Yep!” Yeri exclaims happily. “Seriously. Just ask.”

“But what if he doesn’t say...what if he doesn’t say that?”

“Would you say yes if he asked you that?”

“Yes.”

“Then what makes you think he won’t say the same for you?” she smiles.

“Are...are you sure?”

“Yeah dude, just ask him!” Yukhei adds on. “And you know what he’ll say when you ask him, dude? He’ll say yes. Because it’s Donghyuck, dude. He’s been crazy in love with you since forever, like you are with him.”

It makes his heart soar, hearing his friends tell him that Donghyuck loves him, that he’s not crazy, that this isn’t a mistake, that he’s not broken, that loving Donghyuck is right. 

_ There is nothing wrong about us _, Donghyuck had said.

“Really?” Mark says, feeling surging emotions overwhelm him.

“Really,” Yukhei nods energetically. “ 

_ I love you, and you love me. We love each other. _

“He...he really does love me,” Mark says fragilely as he feels his heart racing, feels himself kicking himself for being so stupid, to doubt that Donghyuck would ever stop loving him, would change his mind. Because Yeri is right, the future can change. And a future with Donghyuck isn’t necessarily his future too. But loving Donghyuck, being with Donghyuck isn’t a dream anymore, it’s real, and that’s all he wants, and that love will always be that close, forever. 

“Oh my god...oh my god, I’m so stupid, of course he loves me,” Mark says with disbelief, his mind in an emotionally overwhelming haze, unable to think straight, just every single thought circling back to Donghyuck telling him he loved him, how many times Donghyuck has said he loved him, how much Donghyuck loves him, how stupid and scared he was for doubting that Donghyuck would ever stop loving him.

_ Please, can that be enough, to make this work? _

It’s more than enough. It’s all Mark wants, all he needs.

“Hey, don’t go crying your eyes out for us again, Mark Lee,” Yeri chastises him playfully. “Save it for when you go see him later tonight.”

“I...I’m seeing him later?” Mark says.

“Uh, yeah, you are,” she confirms. “Sorry, but after the last time you and Donghyuck got all mad at each other and you crashed my room for a _ week _, may I remind you–”

“Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, I’m sorry–”

“No, don’t go apologizing, you definitely needed to crash here,” Yeri stops him. “But like yeah, after that happened? You only get a one-day stay, max. And it’s already 7:00 PM, dude.”

“It...it is?”

“Yeah, really, it is,” Yeri says. “You’ve been talking to us about Donghyuck for like, eight hours straight, _ bro _. I think it’s time you talk to him.”

“Really?”

“Uh, really.”

“Oh, yeah. Stupid, sorry, stupid question.”

“No such thing as a stupid question,” Yukhei grins. “In fact, you know now what to ask him, right bro?”

“Yeah,” Mark replies, rejuvenated, like he’s been revived, emboldened to prove to Donghyuck that he trusts him, trusts that their dreams have come true, that nothing will break that, and nothing will change, because that’s forever. “I just have to ask him if he’ll ever stop loving me.”

“That’s right, dude!” Yukhei hollers enthusiastically as he messes up Mark’s hair, and Mark laughs cutely. “Go tell the whole world that you guys are bros.”

Mark giggles. “Well, I don’t think I’ll say it like that.”

“No, actually, Yukhei is right. You have to say it _ exactly _like that,” Yeri replies seriously.

“Wait...really?” Mark says confusedly.

“Yeah,” she says with a completely straight face. “You tell him that you’re going to tell the whole world that you guys are bros.”

“Oh, okay.”

“And then you know what he’s gonna do?” Yukhei grins.

“What?”

“He’ll tell the whole world, declare to the fucking universe that y’all are bros in love.”

“He will?” Mark says, feeling his heart soar.

“Oh yeah,” Yukhei says with a funny smile, “and then he’s gonna whisper in your ear, _ we’re bros in love, Mark. _”

“But why would he whisper–”

“Because after that, he’s going to say that you’re his whole world, _ bro _,” Yeri laughs and Yukhei begins to crack up, and it takes Mark three seconds to realize he walked right into that one.

“Oh my god you guys–”

“You’re his _ whole _world, Tuxedo Parker underpants and all,” Yukhei cackles loudly as he and Yeri keep laughing and Mark just groans with embarrassment.

But it's okay, because for the first time today, Mark finally feels like there is hope after all.

***

Half an hour later, Yukhei and Yeri drop him off at his apartment. Oddly, it feels strangely familiar to two years ago, when Mark found himself walking back home to their apartment a week after their fight, when he had run away from Donghyuck.

_ I know how that feels, to want someone to stay, _ Donghyuck had told him.

Once again, he finds himself hoping Donghyuck will come home from wherever he is, hoping he will come back soon, so that Mark can apologize for being so stupid, for believing nothing about this was right, when Donghyuck told him again and again that there was nothing wrong with them being in love.

He unlocks the apartment complex door and makes his way up the stairs to the 7th floor. Each step makes him feel more anxious than the last, taking more effort to push forward. But he continues to push forward, because he loves Donghyuck, and this time, he’s not afraid to love him.

_ What makes you think he won’t say the same for you? _ Yeri had said.

Mark inhales sharply as he stops in front of the apartment door. Suddenly he feels his nerves getting to him. The anxiety builds up in him, telling him this is wrong, he’s going to get hurt again, that Yeri was wrong, he shouldn’t have listened to Yeri, he is broken, he should just end it while he still can.

_No_, Mark steels himself, trying to drown out his doubts. _Stop doubting yourself._ _You have to face this. You have to be brave enough to love him._ There is no turning back.

Mark takes his keys out of his pocket and unlocks the front door.

Mark comes home to see roses in glasses and cups and vases, in reds and whites and pinks and golds, placed all around the living room.

Mark comes home to see Christmas lights strewn up on the walls, all different colors of purples and blues and greens and more, hung up in the early days of March.

Mark comes home to see Donghyuck sitting on the couch, dressed up in his ugly Christmas sweater and pajamas that Mark had bought him in Vancouver two winters ago.

“Oh my god,” Mark whispers, inhaling sharply, suddenly aware of every breath he takes, every move he makes as Donghyuck watches him intently. “Oh my god, Donghyuck…”

“You wanted a future,” Donghyuck says softly, smiling. “But maybe I don’t want the future. Maybe I just want you. Maybe in Vancouver. Maybe here. Maybe forever.”

“Donghyuck....”

The blood rushes out of his brain and he feels the world go numb around him. There’s a cascade of butterflies fluttering around in his stomach, and he feels the rosethorn scars tingle on his hands, prickly feelings shimmering up and across his entire body.

“Can I ask you something, Mark?” Donghyuck says softly, smiling.

“I...yeah?” he barely says, his mind absolutely overwhelmed, in a haze of just Donghyuck’s roses, Donghyuck’s Christmas lights, Donghyuck’s Christmas sweater, it’s all Donghyuck.

“Will you have this dance with me?” he says softly, smiling, and then presses his phone. It must be connected to the bluetooth speaker in the living room, because suddenly a song starts playing.

The song that plays is Lover, by Taylor Swift.

Mark is speechless, unable to process everything that’s happening. But Donghyuck takes his left hand, puts it in his right, and then wraps his right arm around Mark’s waist, pulling him in gently as the opening guitar chords play.

And they share a dance.

When Donghyuck first sang for him, it felt like he was in a forest, cerulean skies above the emerald green sea, Donghyuck’s voice a gentle breeze, guiding him forward in the path amongst the trees, out to the garden to see him.

When Donghyuck first kissed him, it felt like he was sparks, flying and burning red across the sky. But Donghyuck was his anchor that kept him tethered back down, like salty sea water clinging to his face. 

But when Donghyuck dances with him, for the first time, it feels like something entirely new. Like it’s just the two of them that exist, nothing else but a blank space, the ground covered in white snow. But in that empty space, Mark has never felt so whole.

“We could leave the Christmas lights up till January…”

Slowly the world fills in, the space around them fills, and he’s asking Donghyuck–

_ “Why wouldn’t you want to leave them up until January? They’re so pretty even when Christmas is over,” Mark said happily, overwhelmingly happy that Donghyuck came to Vancouver with him. _

“...This is our place, we make the rules…”

–and then that world is nothing more, because now he’s back in their apartment, back in their place, back with their friendship with the rules unwritten–

_ “Hey,” Donghyuck chided him. “If you were overstaying, we wouldn’t be letting you sleep in our room. Just get some sleep, it’s pretty clear you’re tired. You can go home in the morning when there’s actually daylight outside.” _

_ Mark smiled, unable to help himself, finding it endearing that Donghyuck was going to let him sleep over in their dorm room. _

“And there’s a dazzling haze and a mysterious way about you, dear…”

–and now instead of their apartment kitchen, it’s his kitchen back home in Vancouver, back with peppermint hot chocolate and red and white striped candy canes and that nostalgic, sentimental feeling washing over him–

_ Donghyuck looked almost angelic, a cozy halo of velvety luminance warming the hot chocolate in Donghyuck’s eyes, warming up the hot, simmering sensation somewhere in his heart… _

“...have I known you for twenty seconds, or twenty years?”

–and as it washes over him, he remembers, remembers the first time he asked Donghyuck about if, in case of an emergency, they could be lovers…

_ “Mark, we’re literally in college. Forty is over 20 years from now. That’s so far away. I don’t even want to think about being forty,” Donghyuck said amusedly. “I’ll be so old by then. Do you know how long 20 years is? Anything could change.” _

But things hadn’t changed. Because back then, and even now, they’re still in love. And even back then, when he had just asked Donghyuck to be his backup for fun, he never thought Donghyuck would be all he loves and more.

Here in their apartment’s living room, as the two of them dance, Donghyuck holds Mark close, and Mark obliges, letting Donghyuck hold him. Donghyuck has his arms wrapped around Mark’s neck, Mark’s arms wrapped around Donghyuck’s waist, Mark’s nose on the cupid’s bow of his lips, and as the sun pulls him close, the stars light the way.

“We could let our friends crash in the living room…”

When he first met Mark, Donghyuck thought he was the biggest loser on the planet, who was unbearably awkward and absolutely annoyed with how easily flustered he got.

_ On the way out he glanced up and, for a split second, saw clumsy coffee-drinker Mark Lee staring at him, as if suddenly realizing who Haechan was. Which he considered rude, so he simply sent a smug smile in his direction, causing Mark Lee to break eye contact and look away. _

_ What a loser, that Mark Lee dude, Haechan thought. Biker boy is such a loser. _

“This is our place, we make the call…”

When he first moved in with Mark, Donghyuck thought he was one of his best friends, who was still unbearably awkward and easily flustered, but he didn’t find himself annoyed by it anymore. He absolutely loved it.

_ “You’re insufferable sometimes, you know that?” Mark had furiously whispered through the crack of the door. “Beyond insufferable. If I was Jeno you’d let me inside, no problem, but no, because it’s me, I’m literally about to frickin’ piss my pants and you won’t even open the door.” _

_ Donghyuck just continued grinning. “But you love me for that,” he whispered back lovingly. _

“And I’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you…”

When he first fought with Mark, Donghyuck thought he was going to lose his best friend, who he was too afraid to admit that he loved too much, too afraid of getting hurt.

_ “I think I like him too much, Jeno. It’s stupid to feel jealous, I know he’s still my friend, but I think it’s starting to ruin our friendship. I don’t know if it’s healthy,” Donghyuck had told him. _

“I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, but I want them all…”

When he first kissed Mark, Donghyuck thought it was like stars glistening in the dark, ink-stained void of space that surrounds him, twinkling light with speckles of freckles appearing across the shadows. And he knew that he’d never, ever, regret loving Mark.

When he feels like Mark has calmed down, feels his heartbeat slow to the tempo of the song as the second chorus begins, feels their bodies moving as one with the rhythm, Donghyuck kisses Mark, to let him know that it’s okay, that they’ll be okay.

“Can I tell you something?” Donghyuck says as he leads his boyfriend to the couch, sits down and sits Mark down across from him, still holding onto Mark gently.

“I...can I ask you something, first?” Mark says. “Can I get a turn to ask you something?”

_ Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand... _

“Sure, ask me anything,” Donghyuck replies warmly.

“I...I love you,” he begins softly. “I love you Donghyuck. I love you so, so much. And, in all my life, I thought I’d...I’d...I’d never...never, be so...so lucky to fall in love with you,” he struggles, and his voice gets shaky.

_ With every guitar string scar on my hand… _

But Donghyuck rubs his thumbs over Mark’s hands gently, reminding him that it’s okay, that they’ll be okay. “To...to fall in love with my best friend,” Mark struggles to finish.

“I know,” Donghyuck whispers back softly. “I know. We’re...we’re the lucky ones.”

“We...yeah, we are,” Mark chokes out, eyes turning watery, and Donghyuck can’t help it, he feels his eyes getting watery too.

“And I just...I just want to ask you,” Mark says fragilely, “will you...will you ever stop loving me? Will anything...will anything ever stop you from loving me?”

_ I take this magnetic force of a man to be my... _

“Will anything ever stop you from loving me, Mark?” he asks Mark. “When you told me you’d love me forever, did you mean it? That you would love me, forever?”

“Yes,” Mark whispers happily, tenderly, lovingly. “I...I...when I said that no matter, no matter what fight it is, or what may come between us, I meant it when I said that I’ll never stop loving you. Because...because I’ll always love you.”

“Then, well...what I wanted to tell you? It’s my answer. To your question.”

_ My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue... _

Mark feels the anxiety creep up again. He’s so scared of getting hurt, of getting broken, of the chance that Donghyuck will say no. That his answer will be that he doesn’t want this forever, that Yeri is wrong, that Yukhei is wrong, that the world is telling him it’s wrong, that he is wrong for loving Donghyuck.

_ All’s well that ends well to end up with you… _

But he waits, patiently, because even if this is wrong, he meant what he said. No matter what comes between him, no matter if this is wrong, he will always love Donghyuck.

“Mark…” Donghyuck starts slowly, “what I wanted to tell you...I wanted to tell you that...that this? It is forever.”

His heart almost stops. 

He said forever.

_ Forever and ever and, ah... _

That’s what Donghyuck had said.

“Oh my god,” Mark gasps quietly, overcome with the most euphoric joy he’s ever felt, the butterflies bursting out of his stomach, the rosethorn scars on his hands burning, the magnetic force that is Donghyuck pulling him closer, and closer, until…

Until he kisses Mark. Softly, gently. Only to feel Mark against his lips, to know that he wants this forever, and that in that blank space, there is so much to write, so much to say, so much to live, but he wants Mark there for every single moment.

_ You’re my, my, my, my... _

And when he pulls away, to smile at Mark, he sees tears silently fall down Mark’s face. “You...you really mean it?” Mark whispers softly.

“I really do,” Donghyuck cries too as he feels himself well up with emotion, feels that burning sensation in his chest again, that warm, fuzzy feeling whenever Mark is genuinely happy, so pure and special. “Because I might not know...I might not know what happens in the future. I might not know what I want. But I...I’ve wanted you for so long. I’ve loved you for so long. And ever since...ever since I fell in love with you, I haven’t stopped loving you either.”

_ Darling you’re my, my, my, my... _

“I...I know,” Mark says as a sob chokes out of him, “oh my god, I’m so sorry, Donghyuck, for ever doubting you, for thinking you...you would stop loving me–”

“It’s okay,” he whispers with tender affections and unspoken reflections. “It’s okay, Mark. Because we...we have changed. Okay? But it’s okay.”

“I...it’s okay. It’s okay,” Mark repeats the words wistfully.

“It is,” Donghyuck nods. “It’s okay. You know what Jeno told me once, when I told him I was scared of stuff changing? He said that sometimes people do change. And we have to let people change. Otherwise...they resent us for never letting them be free.”

Mark chokes back another sob, and Donghyuck keeps running his thumbs over Mark’s hands soothingly, slowly orbiting around Mark, letting Mark pull him back into his gravity.

“And we have changed, Mark. I’ve changed. You’ve changed. We all...we’ve all changed,” Donghyuck continues softly. “But some things never change. And even though...even though we’ve had our ups and downs, Mark. I have never once changed my mind, and stopped loving you.”

“Oh my god, oh my god,” Mark cries as he says it, and Donghyuck’s crying too, but it’s okay. Because even after all this time, Mark still loves him.

“And it took Renjun telling me that, Renjun helping me plan...all this,” Donghyuck laughs through the tears, letting go of Mark’s hands to wipe them away with the sleeves of his ugly Christmas sweater, “to help me realize that I’ll never stop loving you too. But that’s okay. Because I’ve always loved you. And I always will.”

“Forever?” Mark whispers.

“Forever,” Donghyuck repeats, kisses Mark for the third time, could kiss him forever, could love him forever, because now he knows, even if he has to enlist, even if he doesn’t know what the future is, this isn’t something that’s a dream, that’s uncertain and immaterial like his future. This is something good, and right, and real, and it’s something Donghyuck will fight for, no matter how much distance comes between them, no matter how much blank space separates the two of them.

The song has ended, a gentle and humble quiet now with just the two of them, on the couch of their living room. Just Mark and Donghyuck, embraced together, in this together, in the afterglow together. Slowly matching the rhythm of each other’s heartbeats, slowly coming down from the euphoria of their tender love, slowly closing the blank space that binds them.

That lasts for about fifty seconds. Then, their bedroom door bursts open.

“YOU GUYS ARE SO FUCKING CUTE, FUCK!” Heejin screams as she runs out of their room and hugs the two of them on the couch. “Oh my god, oh my god this is so cuteeeeee,” she squeals, a wide grin on her face, eyes watery with emotion.

“Heeki, we weren’t supposed to interrupt them until Hyuckie said it was okay,” Hyunjin says playfully as she walks out of their room and hugs the three of them.

“Wait...what?” Mark says, absolutely confused. “Wait, you guys were here this whole time?”

“Oh, yeah,” Donghyuck says sheepishly, and Mark feels shocked to see Donghyuck looking bashful and flustered. “Uh, well...Renjun couldn’t help me set all this up for you, even though it was his idea. Because, you know, he’s still keeping Jaemin and Jeno and Jisung in the dark, about us.”

“Wait, this was...this was all Renjun’s idea?” Mark laughs, feeling like it’s all coming together now. Of course it was Renjun’s idea.

“Yeah it was!” Heejin exclaims excitedly. “He called us yesterday, told us that he was gonna get Yeri and Yukhei to get you out of the apartment, and then me and Hyunjin would help set up the place so Donghyuck could _elope _with you.”

“Oh my god, shut up, Heejin,” Donghyuck laughs bashfully.

“I mean, it _ is _pretty romantic,” Hyunjin observes lightly. “Why don’t you ever do anything like this for us, Heeki? Maybe I would put out more.”

Mark and Donghyuck laugh, and Heejin gasps before slapping Hyunjin on the shoulder lightly. “Kim Hyunjin!” she shrieks back. “Why are you always trying to embarrass me!” 

Hyunjin only grins back smugly.

“Fuck it, we’re coming in too!”

The front door opens and Yeri and Yukhei charge in, Yukhei nearly tackling them but the four of them all hug Mark and Donghyuck close.

“Oh my god, you guys were there the whole time too?” Mark laughs. 

Of course they were. They follow him and Donghyuck to airports now.

“Hey! Shut up, I wanted to know how it all happened,” Yeri chides him, “and hello? We’re like, your supervisors now. You guys can’t screw this up anymore, not as long as we’re here.”

“BRO! You guys said forever!” Yukhei bellows loudly. “You guys said you’d love each other forever! BRO! I love that you guys are in love!”

They all laugh at that.

“Oh, also, while we’re here,” Hyunjin says casually, “Renjun wanted us to tell you about his plan. For how you guys will make it through enlistment.”

Mark looks up with wide eyes. “He even made a plan for getting us through enlistment?”

“Well, duh,” Yeri says as if it’s obvious. “Come on, Mark. It’s _ Renjun _. He knows everything and has a plan for everything. Of course he has a plan for you two to stay together.”

“He really does,” Donghyuck nods in agreement as he kisses Mark lightly on nose. “But yes, while we’re all still here, Mark, we’re going to go over what Renjun calls the _ rules _of our engagement.”

Mark feels his stomach drop. “WAIT WHA–”

“Calm down, _ lover _,” Donghyuck scoffs, “it’s a military term. Renjun thought it would be funny to call the plan that, since I’m going to be going off to the military. After all, just cuz we’re all talk about how we want this forever doesn’t mean we’re just quite ready to commit to it. Not without some help from Renjun, of course.”

“Oh...oh, okay, well, that’s a...relief,” Mark sighs.

Donghyuck pouts. “Why is that a relief? Weren’t you the one who said you wanted this to be forever, who wanted to move fast?” he teases.

Mark feels himself get all flustered. “Okay okay okay yeah but, uh, um, engagement, and uh, I don’t even know about marriage, and uh, um–”

“I was just kidding, Mark,” Donghyuck laughs as he kisses Mark again.

“Awwww, you guys are so cute!” Heejin squeals.

“Bro, this shit is, like, _ heartwarming _,” Yukhei agrees.

***

Trying to explain the rules of engagement goes like this: Heejin, Hyunjin, Yukhei, and Yeri all try talking at once, they don’t get anywhere with it past explaining Rule One, end up confusing Mark, Donghyuck gets annoyed and him and Heejin start to bicker, then Jisung gets home from Chenle’s, and they all pretend that they were just watching a movie as Heejin, Hyunjin, Yukhei and Yeri casually excuse themselves from the Dream apartment five minutes later.

“Well that was weird,” Jisung says bluntly. “Why’d they all just leave all of a sudden when I got home? What, was the movie you were watching a porno or something?”

“Such a dirty mind, Jisungie,” Donghyuck whines with the cute affectation that Jaemin uses, which of course gets Jisung’s skin crawling. “Didn’t your Nana teach you to be pure?”

“Shut up, I’m not a baby, you guys,” he groans as he shoves Donghyuck off of him. “God, Jaemin is already bad enough, don’t start acting like him too.”

“Nice to know you still love us, Jisung,” Mark laughs.

“Shut up, Mark,” he huffs annoyedly. “As if you are any better, letting the two of them do this to me. Also, why are there a bunch of roses and lights everywhere? And why are you wearing Christmas pajamas, Hyuck? It’s March, loser.”

“Maybe we were watching Love, Actually,” Donghyuck says hastily. “We just wanted to be in the mood, that’s all.”

“By wearing Christmas pajamas?”

“It was my idea,” Mark says bashfully. “It was uh…”

“You are so bad at lying, Mark. What, was this like, Heejin and Hyunjin’s idea or something?” Jisung asks. “Why the hell did you agree to let them like...barf romantic stuff all over our apartment?”

“What, do you not like it?” Mark says playfully. “I personally love the ambience.”

“Oh please, Mark. You’re such a hopeless romantic for–”

Jisung then cuts himself off before he can say it, and Mark and Donghyuck look at him funnily. “Hopeless romantic for who?” Mark says curiously.

“Nothing, nothing, just...Jaemin talking shit, nothing, that’s all,” Jisung brushes it off casually as he walks into their room. Right before he closes the door, he turns around, gives the two of them a funny, skeptical look, and then just sighs and mutters, “No, Jaemin is just stupid” under his breath.

Mark and Donghyuck just stare at each other awkwardly.

“So, you wanna help me clean this up before they get back home and Jaemin gets even more fuel to keep calling you a hopeless romantic for me?” Donghyuck says as he gets up off the couch.

“Yeah, please,” Mark replies.

“Although, to be honest,” Donghyuck whispers in Mark’s ear, so it’s out of earshot from Jisung, “you aren’t totally hopeless. You ended up with me, after all.”

Mark only feels himself well up with pride as he pecks a light kiss on Donghyuck’s cheek.

So the next day, Renjun, Mark and Donghyuck go to a diner, order some milkshakes, and prepare to induct Mark into a milkshake agreement regarding the rules of engagement for Donghyuck’s enlistment.

Rule One: No contact for the first five weeks during basic training. That’s just going to be something they have to get through.

“I mean, we could try setting it up for you,” Renjun says, “but that’s honestly a lot more work than it needs to be. And at this point, you guys love each other enough to get through five weeks without talking to each other.”

“That’s fair,” Mark agrees. “I can go a month without talking to Donghyuck. It’ll be nice, I finally get some peace of mind, not having to hear annoying–”

Donghyuck smacks Mark on the shoulder. “Shut up, weren’t you the one crying about me enlisting and us not lasting, Loser Lee?”

Rule Two: Wherever Donghyuck gets posted, all communication from Mark during his service is to be sent through Heejin.

“After all, it’s the military. The _ Korean _military. Homophobia is a thing,” Renjun replies. “In a perfect world, you guys would be able to just write and talk to each other. But you know how it is. There’s some messed up shit that goes on there.”

Donghyuck only nods solemnly in agreement. “It’s not pretty, Mark. I don’t know how much you know about how Korean people feel about two guys dating, but back home...yeah, we’d have to hide it, even if I wasn’t enlisting.”

“Not that America is any better, of course,” Renjun notes. “Trust me, Jaemin could rant to you for hours about how this country was built on racism, sexism, and homophobia. But that’s besides the point, since I’m sure that’s like saying water is wet.”

“I mean, yeah, I’m not naive,” Mark says. “If we do this, then it definitely has to be a secret. I remember reading how they were cracking down on LGBT soldiers in the Korean military a couple of years ago. That shit is scary.”

“It is scary,” Renjun agrees. “So that’s why we’ve got Rule Two. Actually, I talked to Felix about it – he’s mine and Donghyuck’s friend, you’ve never met him Mark – and he said that yeah, basically, it’s not super easy getting in touch with your boyfriend during enlistment.”

“Is your friend Felix in a similar situation to me?” Mark asks.

“Mmmhmmm,” Renjun nods as he sips on his milkshake. “His boyfriend Changbin had to enlist, and Felix is from Australia, but they didn’t want the military to find out. It was kinda like you guys, except the reverse, because Changbin graduated last year and Felix is graduating with us this year. So I asked how they’re getting through it.”

“And they use a friend from Korea they trusted to keep correspondence between them? So that no one suspects it’s a guy Changbin is dating?”

“Exactly. It’s kinda like what Sirius did for James and Lily in Prisoner of Azkaban,” Renjun explains, “as a Secret Keeper.”

“Please stop talking nerd,” Donghyuck groans. “I already told you guys I don’t understand the references you make when you speak in Harry Potter terms.”

“I keep telling you to read the books,” Mark says playfully, “but you never want to start reading them.”

“Well I just don’t want to–”

“_ Anyways _,” Renjun cuts off the banter, “you know Yeji? Donghyuck’s ex?”

Mark’s heart skips a beat. “Wait, is she–”

“No, calm down,” Renjun sighs. “Geez, I literally just _ asked _Heejin to explain this to Mark. Did she not explain it at all?”

“Well...we kinda didn’t make it past Rule One,” Donghyuck admits reluctantly.

“Then you shouldn’t have told her that Sasuke and Naruto is a stupid ship. You know she reads manhwas for them with Jaemin,” Renjun retorts bluntly.

“Hey, it is not my fault Jaemin and Heejin are–”

“_ Anyways _,” Renjun cuts him off again, “I brought up Yeji because her friend, Chaeryoung, is the one who acts as Changbin’s pretend girlfriend for Felix. So Felix writes the letters, and Chaeryoung just signs off on them. Or since Chaeryoung has a Korean phone number, and the two of them live together, Felix just asks to borrow Chaeryoung’s phone to talk to him.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Yeah, so, naturally, I thought since Donghyuck, Jeno, Heejin, and Hyunjin all grew up together, and all have Korean phone numbers, Heejin made the most sense.”

“Ohhhhhh. That’s what Hyunjin meant when she said you came up with a plan. Wait...but why not Hyunjin?” Mark asks. “Why Heejin?”

“Because Hyunjin’s not as shameless and extra as Heejin is,” Donghyuck shrugs. “But it’s also because back home, everyone in high school thought it was Heejin with me and Hyunjin with Jeno. So...it just made sense. Go with what people already assume about us, yeah?”

Rule Three: The only stop using Heejin for correspondence when Donghyuck is on official breaks and not near military presence.

“Then you drop heteronormative pretenses and you two get to just, you know, be boyfriends, like it _ should _be,” Renjun says. 

“I mean, it’s not like we’re new to keeping this secret,” Donghyuck tells him. “We have been sorta doing a good job covering up the fact that we’re dating to everyone else.”

“Uh, define everyone else,” Renjun retorts. “Because the only reason Jaemin, Jeno, Jisung and Chenle haven’t found out yet is because _ I’m _the one helping you guys and covering for you.”

“Fair point,” Donghyuck replies. “Well, it’s fine. Instead of just you, now we’ll have you, Heejin _ and _Hyunjin. That’s something.”

“I’m just surprised how easily Heejin agreed to this, I don’t think she thought it through. She’s probably gonna get annoyed at both of you during these two years, having to communicate everything through her unless Donghyuck’s on break.”

“Oh please,” Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “You know what she told me, when she was helping me set up the apartment yesterday before Mark came home? She was like, _ Oh em gee, Hyuck, I finally get to pretend I’m Keira Knightley in Atonement! Or Pride and Prejudice! I get to pretend like it’s actually physically possible for me to be hopelessly in love with a man, let alone with you! _”

“She was probably just teasing,” Renjun laughs. “You know how she is, all super romantic and fluffy and stuff. That’s why her and Hyunjin are such a good match, they keep each other grounded. Not unlike you two.”

“Awww, that’s sweet of you to say, Junnie,” Mark replies. 

“Don’t take it as a compliment,” Renjun smirks. “I think you’re a good match for each other because you’re both hopeless idiots who are really stupid sometimes. But as your only smart friend, I’m more than happy to teach you how to not be stupid together.”

“You’re only allowed to say that because you really are,” Donghyuck says playfully. “I still can’t believe Jaemin hasn’t figured it out. Jeno’s oblivious, Jisung just thinks Jaemin’s dumb, and Chenle always agrees with Jisung, but Jaemin would’ve caught on by now. Seriously, telling him we might be fighting like we were two years ago? You’re such a sly fox.”

“Well, I still think you guys should tell them before the semester ends, at the very least,” Renjun says. “And to be fair, you guys _ did _end up fighting. But I respect you two wanting to wait it out and keep dating in secret for another month. Seriously, if Jeno and Jaemin had been involved in all of this, it probably would’ve been a lot messier.”

“But they did help us be friends again, last time we fought,” Mark notes. “Jaemin helped me out a lot back then, you know.”

“I would like to remind you that Jaemin is the one who wanted you guys to become friends again so he could win sixty dollars from all of us,” Renjun replies.

“Weren’t you involved in that bet too though?” Mark asks.

“_Anyways_. It’s pretty easy, having been Jaemin’s friend for eight years now,” Renjun shrugs nonchalantly, as if it’s easy to trick Na Jaemin, one of the shrewdest people Mark and Donghyuck know. “Because really, I know Jaemin’s modus operandi at this point. And once you know it,” he finishes off cockily as he takes another sip of his milkshake, “then you can outfox him. Because _no one_ can catch the motherfucking fox,” he boasts as he ponts a thumb to himself.

***

“Hey, you know, now that me and Donghyuck are dating, we’ll have to discuss the backup situation for you guys,” Mark says as he takes another spoonful of cereal after finishing his email report for his boss. He’s reminded of this because Renjun is watching that particular episode of Friends, and Rachel just found out that Phoebe has both Joey and Ross as her backups. “Because Jeno just lost his backup.”

“Oh, yeah,” Renjun replies after he finishes chewing his mouthful of leftover dumplings. “Guess we’ll have to finally make an actual Newer Deal. We’ll add that as another rule for when you eventually tell the rest of the guys that you and Donghyuck are dating.”

“The rules of engagement?”

“No, the New Rules.” He pauses Friends on Netflix.

“The New Rules?” Mark repeats. “You named the rules you have for us in the apartment after a Dua Lipa song?”

“Yes, is that a problem?”

“But that song is about getting together with your ex–”

“Okay, and we call the rules for you and Donghyuck during enlistment the Rules of Engagement, does that actually mean you two are actually soldiers at war with each other?”

“Well, no, but–”

“What did you want me to name it? The Ten Commandments of Mark and Donghyuck? The Bill of Donghyuck and Mark’s Rights to be Idiots? The Terms of Service of Two Idiots Dating?” Renjun deadpans. “New Rules is what works the best. Just like our New Deal, yeah?”

“I just meant that–”

“Since we have two sets of rules for you and Donghyuck now,” Renjun says curtly, “we need two different names for them. No point in calling them the rules if you don’t know which rules you’re referring to. Just like how you don’t call every law a _ law _. There’s like a billion different names for legislation and Congressional acts.”

“Okay...wow. Remind me again why you’re majoring in cognitive science and not political science?” Mark says. “You could basically be a politician at this point.”

“Because you could not pay me to be a politician and sell my soul to capital interests,” Renjun replies sagaciously. “Political activism, protesting and civil disobedience is the only form of civil engagement I require.”

“Isn’t that, like, every college student’s take on politics though?”

“Am I not a college student, Tuxedo Parker?” Renjun sums it up succinctly and unpauses the season six finale of Friends.

***

Eventually Jaemin, Jisung, Chenle and Jeno find out. It all happens quite comically, really. Jisung accidentally walks in on Mark and Donghyuck making out on the couch. Jaemin gets a clue when he convinces Chenle to come with him to spy on Donghyuck, because he suspected Donghyuck was going to try getting back with Yeji (in actuality, it was Donghyuck meeting Mark on a secret date). As for Jeno, he gets caught in the crossfire between Jaemin and Donghyuck trying to mess with each other before Renjun decides to outfox and outsmart both of them to put an end to the sitcom-level ridiculousness of it all.

About three days after all that happens, Mark is at a not-so-secret work meeting, Donghyuck is at Professor Park’s office hours, and Renjun, Jaemin, Jeno, Jisung and Chenle are eating some pasta that Yeji and Lia had brought over.

“You know, when Donghyuck broke up with Yeji, I didn’t think that we’d end up becoming friends with her,” Jeno says between a mouthful of pesto. “Cuz like, that usually never happens. But I’m glad it all worked out, because she’s probably the best ex we’ve ever known.”

“Um, offensive. What about my exes?” Jaemin replies.

“Jaemin, you dating Yangyang does not count,” Renjun says. “You guys neve went out, you went on a couple of dates, hooked up a bit, and then never followed through. You’re _ still _friends with benefits, how, I don’t know, Yangyang must be as neurotic as you are.”

“But that’s like, so much better than half the other guys I’ve hooked up with!”

“Nana, you’re only still friends with Yangyang outside of your benefits because _ I’m _still friends with Yangyang.”

“Wait, is that why you always wanted to hang out with Yangyang instead of me, when we lived down in Santa Monica?” Jeno replies shockedly. “Was it because you were trying to go out with him? _ That’s _why you never wanted to hang out with me?”

“Hey, so anyways, to address the elephant in the room – what the hell are we going to do about the backups?” Jaemin casually changes the subject.

“Really? That’s your biggest concern?” Renjun replies. “Not the fact that we’re all graduating in like, two months?”

“While that is _ definitely _ a valid concern,” Jaemin says, “I need to find myself someone after graduation and you are clearly _ not _ suited for me, which is why I tried to Newer Deal myself out of you two years ago.”

“Why not just ask Felix if he knows someone? At this point you’ve dated and hooked up with half of his friend group, I’m sure he knows someone who’s interested in being more than friends with you,” Renjun says bluntly.

Jisung chokes on his sandwich as Chenle puts a hand to his mouth to stop himself from spitting out his water.

“Are you slutshaming me?” Jaemin says with an accusatory tone. “First you kinkshame me, and then you slutshame me on top of that? What kind of friend are you, Renjun Huang. The homophobia of it all.”

“An honest one,” Jisung says bluntly. “Seriously, Jaemin, in what way is it homophobic to say that we’re fine with you hooking up with whoever you want–”

“–as long as you’re _ safe _,” Renjun interrupts, “seriously, Jaemin–”

“Yeah, what Renjun said. But to get back to my original point, we’re fine with you hooking up with whoever, but given your dating history, you can’t expect us to believe you want a serious relationship–”

“Ah ah ah, Jisungie, I want a serious _ backup _ , not a _ relationship _ ,” Jaemin corrects him. “And the only reason I want a backup is because _ Renjun _here is the absolute worst.”

“Eh, you’ve said worse,” Renjun shrugs. “You tell me I dress like a lesbian every time I wear a flannel over a hoodie and my hiking boots.”

“Wait–oh! Oh. _ Jisungieeeee _,” Jaemin says in his cute aegyo voice as he starts to look at Jisung eagerly.

“No,” Jisung retorts.

“Jisungieee you don’t even know what I’m gonna–”

“Chenle’s already my backup.”

“What?!”

“We made a deal back when you guys lived together in Santa Monica and we subletted your rooms,” Chenle grins cheekily. “Sorry, but we’ve been backed up together since freshman year.”

“Wha–why?!”

“Shouldn’t I be the one you guys need to find a backup for?” Jeno says confusedly. “I’m the one who lost Donghyuck as my backup. You still have Injunnie, Nana.”

“Ugh, but I can’t be backups with you,” Jaemin says affronted. “We’re too close, Jen. You’re like, my _ best _friend, that’s like, incest–”

“You’re so ungrateful,” Renjun scowls annoyedly as he smacks Jaemin on the shoulder. “What am I, the green bean casserole from Friendsgiving? Maybe if you were as invested in our backup situation as you were in being an Instagram influencer–”

“I have forty thousand followers now and Ten has agreed to take me under his wing, do _ not _ test me,” Jaemin crosses his arms. “Sorry that you don’t see me having eighty thousand subscribers on my YouTube channel as an _ investment _, but I’ll have you know–”

“You’re just mad that none of us will agree to do any videos with you,” Chenle says cheekily. “And to be fair, what would we do? You just sit in front of a camera and dish out your opinions. Why would we do that with you on video when we have to listen to it every day.”

“Chenle, you don’t even live here.”

“I said I would do a video with you if we did ASMR,” Jeno pouts. “But you said it was dumb and you didn’t want to do it. Come on, dude! Even IU does it.”

“But that’s not the content my subscribers are asking me for, Jen. My subscribers are _ asking _me to do a roommate tag–”

Renjun’s phone rings and he shushes the four of them.

“Sup, Mark,” Renjun says as he puts Mark on speaker.

“Hey,” Mark replies. “Is Donghyuck home?”

“No, he’s at office hours right now with Professor Park,” Renjun replies. “Why, are you trying to call him?”

“Ooooooh, is it another secret _ date _,” Jaemin teases. “Better hope me and Chenle don’t catch you guys on this one.”

Mark laughs good-naturedly. “No, but thank you, Jaemin, much appreciated. I’m on my five minute break from my meeting right now, just wanted to call to see if he had told you guys that he was going to sign the lease.”

Jeno, Jaemin and Jisung all look up with wide eyes towards Renjun.

Of course, Renjun already knew this, so he only smiles back at them happily.

“No way!” Jaemin cheers victoriously. “The chaotic evils are still gonna be living together, baby! Get ready for Hot Boy Summer with Nana and Hyuckie, the pair that stays _ winning _!”

“Mother forker, please don’t ever say that again,” Renjun retorts bluntly. “Or I will literally hack your Instagram and delete your forking account.”

“Dude, that’s awesome!” Jeno says happily. “I’m glad he finally decided.”

“Congrats, you two,” Jisung says, genuinely happy for them. “Guess we’ll all have to get used to living with a domestic couple for rest of the year.”

“Thanks, guys,” Mark laughs through the phone. “I’m glad I got to be the one to break the news to you. Can you please tell Boa that he’s signing back on, Injun?”

“You got it,” Renjun replies. “I told her he’d sign on for at least until the end of the year, and then eventually when he leaves for enlistment we’ll split the rent again.”

“Got it, thanks dude. Okay, I gotta get back to my meeting soon, but I’ll call you guys later, yeah?”

“We’re happy you both chose to live with us, Mark,” Jeno says happily. “Thanks for sticking around town! Go kick some Spotify ass now.”

“Bye, Mark!” Chenle yells through the phone. “_ Enjoy your flight _!”

Mark groans through the phone. “You guys, can you please–”

“Say it!” Jeno yells excitedly. “Come on, say itttt.”

“Markieee, pleaseeee,” Jaemin whines in his cute aegyo voice.

“We’ll kick you and Donghyuck off the lease if you don’t,” Renjun says menacingly.

The other line is silent for five seconds.

Eventually, Mark sighs.

“Enjoy your flight!” he says in his courteous airline commercial voice.

All five of them yell loudly and “oooooooh” through the apartment.

“Enjoy your flight!” Jeno mimics theatrically.

“Enjoy your flight!” Chenle parrots back.

“Enjoy your flight!” Renjun says in a deep voice.

“And we hope to see you again on United Airlines!” Jaemin says with his aegyo voice.

Jisung just laughs with the rest of them, and Mark sighs as he hangs up the call.

“That’s never going to get old,” Chenle giggles.

“How did he even get in that Spotify advertisement for United?” Renjun cackles. “Is it because of all his frequent flyer miles?”

“Oh my god, the frequent flyer miles,” Jaemin laughs as all of them keep cracking up. “I cannot believe that was his excuse to get Donghyuck to come out with him to Vancouver, no wonder it took them over three years to get together.”

***

“So, you still unsure of what to do yet?” Professor Park asks Donghyuck.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck replies nervously. “Actually, that’s what I came here to talk to you about.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I was uh, wondering if you could...give me some advice,” Donghyuck says, still a bit bundled in his own nerves. “See, I was planning on doing my enlistment next year. But before I do, I decided to stay here until December, and I wanted to get some experience, working or doing an internship. But my internship told me they can’t hire me for the summer, and I haven’t heard back from anything I’ve applied to, so...I was wondering, do you have any tips for me? Places I could apply to or look at for potential work?”

“Ah. You’re looking for a summer job,” Professor Park says observantly.

“Yeah. Just, you know, trying to build connections. I really want to get experience to put on my resume before I have to go enlist,” Donghyuck replies.

“Hmmm.” Professor Park only smiles back at him. “Well, Donghyuck, let me say, I’ve seen you grow a lot these past four years, and your background in both music and economics is really, really useful. I’m assuming you were looking to do something similar to what Mark is doing, correct?”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck breathes out nervously. “I really would love to work for Spotify, or any streaming service, or a record label, even. But just any experience in the music industry would be great. I mean, I know I can get a job with my economics degree but...I want to prove to my parents that my degree in music wasn’t all for nothing, you know?”

“Have you tried looking into Korean companies?” she asks in Korean. “I know a couple of people who work at MelOn if you were interested. Or if that’s not your thing, I know some people at SM and Loen whose contact info I could give you.”

“I mean, yes, but...truth be told, I would love to move back here, after my enlistment is done, and get my work visa,” Donghyuck replies back in Korean. “I uh...kinda found a life for myself over here.”

“Ah, I see,” Professor Park remarks. “Well, in that case, how would you like to work for me over the summer?”

Donghyuck’s heart starts to race. “You mean, as a TA for you?”

“Actually, it’s a technician position,” Professor Park replies. “There’s an opening in the department right now, they’re looking to hire someone with a bachelor's degree. You’d be supervising the music classrooms, checking the equipment, and you’d be helping me with summer and fall showcase setups for the music department. You might also have to help with planning the budget for the department as well, if I asked you to. We’re looking for someone who knows the ins and outs of the music department very well. So, ideally, a recent college graduate, like yourself.”

“Oh. Err, are they looking for–”

“No, it’s seasonal, so they renew your employment based on your performance from the most recent semester,” Professor Park explains. “If you choose to renew after the summer school semester, it’s for the next fall semester only. Afterwards, you would then get to go back home to Korea to complete your enlistment.”

“Oh,” Donghyuck says dumbfoundedly, stupefied that Professor Park is offering him a job.

“I won’t say it’s guaranteed you’ll get it,” Professor Park says slyly in English, “but I’m helping with the hiring process for this one, and if you list me as a reference, I will definitely put in a good recommendation for you to our hiring manager, Amber.”

“Oh,” Donghyuck replies, absolutely at a loss for words. “Do you...do you think I’ll get it?”

“I wouldn’t be telling you about it if you I didn’t think you’re a suitable candidate for it,” Professor Park smiles back. “Does that help you, at least, with finding employment for the rest of the year before you have to enlist?”

“I...yeah, yeah, that’s great!” Donghyuck replies enthusiastically. “Wow, uh, wow...thank you, thank you so much, Professor Park! I’ll go home and apply for it right now.”

“Luna.”

“Er, sorry?”

“It’s okay, Donghyuck,” she replies informally in Korean. “You can call me Luna. Don’t worry too much about super formal honorifics with me. I’m just here to help you, yeah? Think of me as one of your colleagues now, since you’ll be working for me in addition to learning from me.”

“Oh, ah, yes! Of course, thank you so much, Luna. Is that, uh…”

“An English nickname? Yes,” she switches back to English. “But I prefer it to you calling me Sunyoung. Anyways, I hope you get the job!” she winks.

Donghyuck feels his chest swell with joy. “Thank you, Luna! I will go apply for it right now.”

“No problem! Is that all you wanted to talk about during office hours?”

“Yeah! Yeah, thank you so much,” he says as he packs up his things. “I’m really, really grateful for this opportunity.”

“You could show your appreciation even more by putting even more effort into your essays for the seminar,” she suggests lightly. “I know you, Donghyuck. You’ve been in my classes ever since your first summer here when you preferred I call you Haechan. Prove to me your four years here paid off.”

It’s like being reprimanded by his mom – he knows she’s just saying it because she cares, but it still stings a little. “Yes, I will definitely improve on my assignments,” he adds hastily.

“Glad to hear that,” she says breezily. “Well, have a good day! I’ll see you in class tomorrow. Send in your job application soon.”

“Will do! Thanks for having me during office hours,” he calls back as he walks out of her office. Then he rushes down the stairs, absolutely flying on pure euphoria.

***

“Hey, I saved you a seat!” Mark replies as he waves at Donghyuck from the door.

“You don’t have to save me a seat, babe,” Donghyuck giggles as he kisses Mark.

“Aww, you guys are so cute,” Seulgi coos as she brings the two of them their orders from In-N-Out. “I’m so glad you two are dating, it’s so cute how you guys are best friends.”

“You know, me and Seulgi always thought there was something going on between the two of you,” Taeil grins slyly as he takes a bite of his burger. “We could sense it the first time you invited Mark to have In-N-Out with us.”

“Really?” Donghyuck replies. “Mark was _ that _obvious?”

“Hey!” Mark exclaims in protest.

“He really was,” Seulgi nods as she takes another bite of her cheeseburger. “Maybe not you as much, but it was pretty easy to tell that Mark had a crush on you.”

“I-I’m not that obvious,” Mark stammers out flusteredly.

“But you really are,” Taeil says good-naturedly as he takes a sip of his milkshake. “And I’m not gonna lie, it’s really endearing. I’ve never really actively rooted for Hyuck to get with someone, but you changed my mind about that.”

“Really?”

“That, and I still can’t believe I saw how you two confessed to each other at the airport over FaceTime,” Taeil laughs, and they both groan when he brings it up. “Gosh, that was some romcom level stuff you guys did there.”

“Oh my god, can you _ please _stop bringing that up,” Donghyuck says heatedly. “You don’t have to re-enact it every time we hang out or go get food–”

“Wait, Mark, wait!” Taeil imitates Donghyuck’s voice and at this point they both know no matter how much they protest, they will have to hear their friends make fun of them for their airport confessions. “I forgot to give you something!”

“Oh?! W-what did you forget to give me?” Seulgi replies in a low-pitched voice.

“I don’t sound like that,” Mark whines.

“I forgot to give you thissss,” Taeil smooches his lips together and blows a kiss to Seulgi, which Seulgi grabs dramatically with her hands.

“Oh! What’s this?!” Seulgi exclaims in her deep voice. “A kiss?!”

“It’s my _ love _ for you, _ lover _,” Taeil says with extra emphasis on the vowels.

“You guys, we’re in public, people can hear us,” Donghyuck covers his head with his hoodie and buries his face in Mark’s shoulder.

“You lo-_ love _me?” Seulgi gasps as her voice soars up two octaves on the L word.

“Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh,” Mark squeals out distraughtly as he brings his hands to his cheeks, which are burning bashfully, and Donghyuck just buries his face further into Mark’s shoulder, hugging it tighter. 

“Like a love song, baby,” Taeil says with the unbridled zest of a dad making a dad joke.

“Oh, Haechannie,” Seulgi squeaks high-pitchedly now, “I love you too!”

“Oh my god, we love each other! Let’s be boyfriends _ forever _,” Taeil ends, and then Seulgi and Taeil are just laughing at each other’s ridiculousness that just transpired in the past forty seconds.

“Oh my god, they were _ roommates _,” Seulgi throws in for cheap laughs and they keep laughing as Mark just stares at his fries, no thoughts, head empty, a light pink blush spreading across his face.

“We’re never showing our faces in this In-N-Out again,” Donghyuck mumbles into Mark’s shoulder. “I hate it here.”

“We’re just messing with you guys, of course we’re happy for you two,” Seulgi smiles between her fit of giggles.

“We just love messing with you two as much as you two love each otherrrr,” Taeil singsongs sweetly, and Donghyuck just whines into Mark’s sweater while Mark pets his head softly as Seulgi and Taeil keep laughing.

Two minutes later, they’ve both calmed down, and the conversation returns to its normal pace, and Donghyuck finally lets go of Mark’s shoulder as he unfurls and sits back up straight.

“Sometimes I really hate that you’re my cousin _ and _ Yeri knows Seulgi and _ you _,” Donghyuck sighs as he takes a reluctant bite out of his double-double.

“Hey, it’s not my fault that we both showed up as Belle to a Halloween party Seulgi was throwing,” Taeil says playfully. “Although I hear that’s definitely better than showing up to a Halloween party as a dirty joke with a reindeer kink.”

Now it is Mark’s turn to feel embarrassed. “OH MY GOD, DID YERI TELL YOU–”

“Both her and Hyuck did,” Seulgi confirms cheekily.

Mark turns to Donghyuck with wide, embarrassed eyes, and Donghyuck can only give an apologetic expression and shoulder shrug tin response. “Sorry, babe. It was before we were dating.”

“Oh my godddd,” Mark whines as he hides his head behind Donghyuck’s back. “I can’t believe you told them, you promised you wouldn’t tell embarrassing stories about me anymore.”

“That was still BDLL,” Donghyuck chides him. “Before Dating Loser Lee.”

“I’m not a loser,” he protests weakly as he moves to bury his head in Donghyuck’s shoulder.

“Not with me, you’re not,” Donghyuck sighs as he takes another handful of fries. “Because as long as you date me, you are _ never _ losing. You’re on _ my _ team, and my team _ always _wins, especially against Jaemin.”

“Wins in what?”

“In the game. Because trust me, Mark Lee, I am the _ greatest _gift you are ever gonna get in the game.”

“An Incredibles reference? Really?” Taeil purses his lips with a _ tch _. “Ah, I see you actually took my movie recommendations seriously to improve your English.”

“Well, unlike you, who makes fun of my life, I take my cousin’s life and suggestions very _ seriously _,” he says petulantly in Korean as he sticks his tongue out.

“Oh please,” Taeil chuckles, “you make fun of me doing my butterfly moves when I work out all the time. I’m just returning the favor.”

***

As the last semester of their college careers comes to a close, Renjun, Jeno, Donghyuck and Jaemin decide to take the weekend before finals to go to the beach with their friends. And that’s how Mark, Jisung and Chenle find themselves in Santa Monica on this Saturday in May, with Heejin and Hyunjin tagging along.

After a couple rounds of volleyball, throwing Mark in the ocean three times, building sandcastles, and many rounds of pictures, food, and drinks, they all find themselves tuckered out, just deciding to relax on the beach and lounge about in the warmth of the golden hour before the sun eventually sets.

Jisung and Chenle are off with Jaemin taking photos for his Instagram, and Renjun and Mark went to go get some food from the pier. So, it’s just Jeno, Donghyuck, Heejin, and Hyunjin lounging about on the beach.

“Hey, do you guys realize, this might be our last time all hanging out together before graduation?” Heejin says solemnly. “We’ve known each other since high school, dudes. And now...we’re actually going to be going our separate ways.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Heeki,” Hyunjin says. “We’re all still staying for the summer, at least. But I’m pretty sure Hyuck’s gonna get his contract renewed for the fall semester.”

“I hope so,” Donghyuck replies. “But if not, it’s okay, because I’m still going to be looking for some part-time work while I’m working this summer.”

“And I will be here, doing my research internship,” Jeno says.

“I know, but you guys...we’re growing up,” Heejin says. “That’s so scary. Like, seven years ago, we were just a bunch of stupid high school students working our asses off in the goddamn _ hagwons _, and now, look at us. We’re adults.”

“Well, some things change,” Donghyuck says philosophically. “But sometimes, you know, you have to let people change. Otherwise they resent themselves for never being free.”

There’s a lingering pause.

“Wait...is that something I told you before?” Jeno says shockedly. “Didn’t I tell you that?”

“Yeah, you did,” Donghyuck smiles, nudging Jeno’s shoulder playfully. “When I was fighting with Mark, that’s when you said that. But I took it to heart, and I really believe in what you said.”

“No wonder Hyuck sounded so poetic,” Hyunjin says plainly. “I was beginning to think someone had replaced him.”

“Still sharp as ever, Hyunjin,” Donghyuck sticks his tongue out.

“Oh...I had no idea what I said impacted you that much,” Jeno says bashfully. “I’m glad it helped you through that, though.”

“Jeno, how the _ hell _ are you still single,” Heejin sits up and rests her head on top of Jeno’s stomach. “Seriously, if I wasn’t so gay for Hyunjin here, I would date you. _ You _are the one exception I will make.”

“Aw, don’t say that,” Jeno says modestly. “I’m just an average dude.”

“Uh huh,” Heejin notes whimsically, “an average dude, who just happens to be an engineering major, has a high-paying internship lined up for the summer, is working on getting his Masters next fall, and is devastatingly handsome with washboard abs and a heart of pure gold. Right.”

“Seriously dude,” Donghyuck agrees, “you are such a catch. You have to be, if Heejin would even _ consider _thinking of dating anyone else besides Hyunjin.”

“I mean, there’s always room for three, JenJen,” Hyunjin winks cattishly. "It can be our _m__énage à trois_."

“Thanks, but I’ll pass,” Jeno laughs good-naturedly. “I’m okay with being single for now.”

“Whoever ends up with you, she _ better _be good enough for us,” Heejin says amusedly. “Seriously, if we don’t approve of her then you’re not allowed to date her.”

“What?” Jeno says incredulously. “That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?”

“I mean, it makes sense,” Donghyuck replies. “Obviously, we approve of Heejin and Hyunjin. You guys all approve of me and Mark. It only makes sense that you have to get all of us to be on board with whoever you end up dating.”

“Oh...well when you put it that way,” Jeno muses. “Yeah, I guess that’s fine with me. I mean, after all, I don’t know how I’d date someone you guys don’t like. That would suck.”

“You wouldn’t, because that would and should be a _ major _red flag,” Heejin tells him as she gets up to look him in the eye. “Because your future girlfriend might love you, but this?” She says as she gestures around the beach, to Chenle and Jisung taking pictures of Jaemin, and Mark and Renjun walking back with some ice cream and large paper baskets full of garlic fries, and then amongst all four of them. “We’re in this for life, Jeno.

Then she lays back down on Jeno’s stomach. "Maybe even forever," she contemplates.

“Well of course we are,” Jeno smiles. “I still wouldn’t be friends with you guys if I wasn’t.”

“Good to know,” Donghyuck says as he rests his head next to Heejin on top of Jeno’s stomach. “Wow, for having abs, your stomach is incredibly comfy.”

“Do we use each other’s stomachs as pillows now?” Jeno laughs.

“Indeed,” Hyunjin replies as she rests her head on top of Heejin’s belly.

It’s ten minutes before sunset, and Mark is very cold, wrapped up in one of Donghyuck’s sweaters and a beach blanket as he watches his friends splash about in the water, while Jaemin takes some photos. Chenle and Jisung are taking a nap next to him, all tired out from taking pictures with Jaemin and then chasing each other down the stretch of sand. So it’s just Mark, snuggling in Donghyuck’s sweatshirt, looking over at Renjun, Jeno, Donghyuck, Heejin and Hyunjin swimming around while Jaemin takes more photos of them.

The wind whips through rapidly as purple-grey shadows turn to bright beige sky, cool tones painting the tops of the clouds as the sun begins to fade away. But as Mark watches his friends play in the sunset of the beach, their forms saturated in the gentle radiance of brilliant yellow, he feels a familiar fuzzy feeling envelop his chest. And even though he’s cold and shivering, it still feels warm. As the warmth radiates through his veins, slowly meandering up with every breath, that feeling grows brighter, cozier, stronger. Like the sun, it feels like when he took Donghyuck to Vancouver with him two years ago.

And even though he’s sleepy, and he wants to lie down and take a nap with Chenle and Jisung, he can’t look away from the five of them. Watching his friends dance around in the glittering reflections of the waters, halos of soft light framing their faces. Framing Donghyuck’s face.

Jeno and Renjun splash him and he tackles the two of them before Heejin yells that a wave is coming and they all dive under it. They return back to the surface five seconds later, hair all wet and sand stuck to their arms. Jaemin takes more photos, before putting his camera in his bag, eventually relenting and just going in the water with all of them, tackling Donghyuck down and they all laugh.

And on the beach, it’s like there’s this magical, magnetic presence, and he can’t look away, because it’s just too beautiful. Clouds painted pink, like muddled smudges of wispy paint as teal shades meander around the six of them in the ocean.

All those colors, they fill the blank space around Mark. Every hue, every shade of rosy pink and carnelian quartz and baby blue keep the afterglow around the six of them swimming in the water. And even though the sun will set soon, Mark knows he will remember this moment forever. 

The moment he spent their last semester of college with them, with Donghyuck, who has a dazzling haze and a mysterious way about him. Who has an afterglow, a glow that mark wants to live in, forever.

And he realizes now that Donghyuck is his sunset. And sunsets don’t last forever, because eventually the sun must set. Eventually, Donghyuck will graduate. Eventually, Donghyuck must enlist. Eventually, Donghyuck will leave for two years.

And Mark used to not be okay with that. He used to be scared that once the sun set, it set forever, and that would be the last of his times with Donghyuck, and he’d change his mind.

But he knows now that he won’t. 

Because Donghyuck loves Mark, forever. And he knows, deep down, with their friends by their side, and their unconditional love for each other, it’ll work out.

Of course, it’s not all perfect. They both still haven’t told their parents that they’re dating each other. There’s no telling what will happen to them during Donghyuck’s enlistment, even with all the support of their friends and Renjun’s rules of engagement. And it won’t be easy, being away from Donghyuck for two years, because neither of them knows what the future holds.

But that makes him cherish every moment he has with Donghyuck even more. Even in the simplest, most mundane moments like this, just sitting in the glow of the sun’s final cascade of orange decrescendos before it travels below the horizon, his love for Donghyuck feels as strong as ever. And to know it will forever keep him warm, and will always feel special with Donghyuck, means more to him than anything before.

Two years ago, Donghyuck told him that any time he spent with Mark would be special to him. Now, two years later, Mark finally understands what Donghyuck meant. And now, he truly believes that two years for enlistment won’t change how much they love each other.

The sun has set now, and the pinks slowly turn dull, the orange fades to brown, amber shades of blue as the violet sky becomes sable. Chenle wakes up and notices Mark watching everyone play in the water, making the most of the final minutes of light before it becomes too dark and they all eventually head back home.

“You didn’t want to go in?” Chenle yawns sleepily.

“No, I’m kinda cold,” Mark says simply. “But it’s okay. I like watching them.”

“Mmmm,” Chenle yawns again as he stretches and sits up next to Mark.

“Did you have a nice nap?”

“I did,” Chenle nods his head happily. “It was nice. Today was just a good way to relax before finals start. And Jisung’s very, very warm. We make good napping partners.”

“Napping partners? Like in Friends with Ross and Joey?”

“Yeah, napping partners like Ross and Joey,” Chenle laughs. “He’s really comfy. Like my own teddy bear.”

“Aw, that’s cute,” Mark coos.

Chenle giggles again. “Yeah, it is.”

They sit there in the quiet for a bit, just taking in the scenery around them.

“Don’t you wish everyday was like this?” Chenle asks pleasantly. “I wish everyday was like this. It’s so beautiful. It feels so perfect.”

“Yeah, I wish,” Mark sighs. “But sadly all good things, even days like this, must come to an end.”

“But that doesn’t mean they can’t begin again,” Chenle points out. “Or you can’t see the sunset the next day, or the day after that.”

Mark turns to look at Chenle, droops his head a bit to the side, and then just smiles back in return. “Huh. You’re right.”

“I am?”

“Yeah. Just because the sun sets today doesn’t mean you can’t see him tomorrow.”

“Oh, uh...okay,” Chenle says unsurely, not quite processing what Mark’s getting at, but it’s okay. He’s content with just peacefully watching their friends play in the water alongside Mark.

Maybe it was just infatuation. Maybe it was just a crush. Maybe he was just being a hopeless romantic. A loser, as his friends liked to call him. But at the end of the day, Donghyuck loves him. And he loves Donghyuck. 

And he knows, deep down, that they’ll work it out. Because Yeri was right, two years ago when she said it was never going to be easy, that there was an easy fix. But they work on it, and know it’s worth fighting for. Because like Yeri said two years ago, if they’re honest with each other, they can count on themselves to work out. 

Because Donghyuck makes Mark feel happy, feel safe, feel loved.

Because Mark loves Donghyuck forever, and will support him through all those hardest, most awful of times that are to come, forever.

Everyone has scars they’ve accumulated. Everyone gets hurt, gets lost, gets bruised and broken along the way. But if you can find love in the moments between the mess, you’ll see it. 

It’s that golden sunset overhanging a deep blue sea, that twinkling constellation of stars in that dark night, that dazzling haze of the dawn’s daylight of Christmas morning. And if you find a love like that, then keep it close. Because despite all the hurt, all the loss, all the bruises, all the scars, that love will last with every heartbeat in past, present, and future. Because if you choose to learn how to love them like they love you, to love them with all your heart, to honor that love for all the days of your lives together, then they see the marks on your hands but still take them, scars and all.

Mark sees Donghyuck.

And even with all his scars, Mark loves Donghyuck, and chooses to be this close, forever and ever. Because Mark loves Donghyuck, loves him even with the pain of past fights, the pain of present heartaches, the pain of future enlistment and long distance.

Donghyuck sees Mark.

After their day at the beach, while everyone else has fallen asleep, it’s just the two of them, sitting on the couch, letting the movie play as they snuggle closer to each other, breathing even, their scarred hands wrapped around each other, Donghyuck resting his head on Mark’s shoulder as he cuddles up to him quietly.

And even with all his scars, Donghyuck loves Mark, and chooses to make Mark his worthwhile fight, to make Mark his right. Because Donghyuck loves Mark, loves him no matter where he goes, no matter where he leaves, because Donghyuck knows that even though the door will close and shut, Mark will always exist, always have a place in the openness of his heart.

Because Mark is his sable night sky, his twinkling speckle of stars, his gravity that keeps him grounded, because Mark will catch him when he falls from his orbit, because Mark is his state of grace, because Mark is his love that is brave and wild, because Mark is his gravity, his…

“Can I go where you go?” he whispers to Mark as they’re back in their apartment now, sitting on the couch in their living room, limbs intertwined, salty seawater clinging to their skin, some sand speckling Mark’s face like the freckles of starlight that light up his universe, his lips rough and chaffed from the ocean but so tender and warm. “Can we always be this close?”

“Forever and ever,” Mark smiles back as he kisses Donghyuck on the couch in their living room, kisses him with the warmth of a golden hour sun, because Donghyuck is his dazzling afterglow haze, his ocean horizon of ambrosia and pastel pinks, his warmth of hope that sparked in his chest one fateful summer night, and how it springs eternal. Because Donghyuck is his past, Donghyuck is his present, Donghyuck is his future, because Donghyuck is his sunset, his…

_ **Lover** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a wonderful journey, but alas, the story of Mark and Donghyuck becoming each other's Lovers now comes to an end. But even though this is the end, doesn't mean those things don't begin again.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has loved and supported this story! I enjoyed writing every moment of it from beginning to end, and I hope you enjoyed reading every moment from beginning to end! 
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/mundane_blues) | [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/mundane_blues)


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